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concerned about major potential red flags


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I am in a very recent (1 week) relationship with a girl I met 2 months ago. We seem to connect really well and have several things that seem like soulmates like for example, sometimes I felt she is happy or sad and it was right, very comfortable contact togetherness and physical contact from the beginning, I feel and I think she can see right through me, she can get inside through my eyes and see my soul... if you know what I mean. We felt the chemistry from day one. There is something in her eyes too I feel like I know her but of course I cant be sure. There are other coincidences like we like exactly the same musics in the party, hour party favorite drink is the same, we both see life in the same way and have the same lifestyle. At least until now, I dont know how she sees life after marriage and kids.


She is very independent and she cancelled things with friends to be alone with me... something that according to her she never did in previous relationships. Sexually, she said that she only had 1 time in her life orgasm with penetration... she has it almost always with me... She says she feels we are so right to each other.


She says she never felt like this and she is even confused with it because she said it always took her much longer to get closer to someone. I believe this is true because 3 weeks ago we spent one weekend together all alone and slept in the same bed 3 nights and she did not let me even kiss her.


The things that worry me.... Today she told me something really bad about her past. She said she wanted me to know everything important that happened in her life. 4 years ago she had an affair for 3 years with a married man... when I asked why she did something like that she said she loved him (he only told her he was married 5 months after being together with her). Before she always told me that the most important thing for her in a relationship is love. Maybe someone more open minded or women can understand this but for me this is REALLY bad. I know its her past and she said it is the only thing she regrets in her life. On the other hand she told me about it, she could have hidden it from me. Is this a red flag? Is this a mistake that people make and learn with it but does not really define ones personality?


Second red flag... not counting with that affair... she had previous relationships that did not last more than 10 months. This tells me several things, on one hand she might have commitment issues or she might be the kind of person that after the infatuation is over she needs more. Again... when I try to think positive about this... she said that she never felt with no one what she feels with me and I guess she in counting with the affair guy. She also said that before she did not like to spend time alone with the previous boyfriends, she was almost always going out the friends and boyfriend and not alone, something that she does with me.


I like her but this affair thing she told me today was like a big hammer in my heart and I dont know what to think about her. Should I ignore her past? Its hard for me to think clear about this.

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You should realize that you are speaking about a relationship that is ONE WEEK old, right? If you feel this way now, when she's dumped all her human failings on you, how about dumping some of your own human failings on her? Equal the playing field! You two have just jumped in both feet and it's really sticky and explosive, from what I hear you saying. She's opened her heart to you and you seem to be disappointed in her humanness.


Have you ever had a commitment phobe girlfriend before? How did that play out? I hear your fear and there might be something to it, and then again, it might not. I'd not bail, but I would slow things down. You have a responsibility for how fast things progressed as much as her, so don't blame. It simply IS. Talk to her, don't talk so much about what she told you, that could be seen as cruel, but say you think that you'd like to explore your relationship but you feel it got there too soon and you think it's time to back down somewhat. Get to know her better before hearing about any other revelations. Do this in person, not text or phone.



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I only had 2 girlfriends before and both for 5 years. That is why it is hard for me to understand... 1. I dont have short relationships because when I start is because I really like and it is not just to "get some". 2. I could never do something like that... to be with a married person... I dont understand but that is just me...


It is not that I am disappointed... it just made me insecure because I dont know what does that mean... it gave a hit on the image I had about her personality but it does not mean that image will not return or get even better. it just made me insecure... try to understand... what kind of person gets involved with married people? I am very strict with those kind of things.. but again that is just me... and that is why I am here asking for other opinions.

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I think the best thing you can do is only judge her by how she treats you and how your relationship with each other is going. If you allow yourself to judge her and get upset based on a past that is poof--gone, it might end up being YOU who damages your possibilities with this girl. I believe a past doesn't define someone. But you have to have your eyes open to now... If she mistreats you or things get bad with her then you need to walk away. Try to enjoy this beautiful relationship it seems you've found. Live in the present.

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Lots of people have multiple relationships that last less than a year, when they are discovering who they are and what they need from a partner. 10 months is just about the time that the dealbreakers emerge, that people show you who they really are, and then you decide whether it's really going to work or not. If you decide you'd rather walk away, that doesn't make you a commitment-phobe. Now, if you two are both in your mid-thirties and she's never had a longer relationship, maybe you could pin that label on her.


As far as the married guy thing, she did tell you about it, obviously feeling that she had found someone who wouldn't judge her for her past, that she could be truly open with (that's why she said she wanted you to know everything that had happened to her). She did say that she regretted it, and seems to have some idea as to why she stayed with the guy anyway (self-awareness: a good thing).


If you feel like you're not going to be able to let go of the married man thing, I would just end it right now. Otherwise you'll be back here in six months posting about your trust issues, and using that little tidbit to justify them.

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why is that a red flag? we are behaving as a couple (talking everyday and etc) for a month although we did not get physical contact more than hugging or holding hands. The 1 week is the oficial and assumed relationship. Still quite fast but why is it a red flag in your opinion?

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