Are you still holding on to hope? Why?

[symbiot]

I'm 7 mos. out from my BU and I'm still not over it yet. I still think of her all the time. I still miss her. I still wonder if today will be the day that she makes contact. Everyday. I'm 99% sure she cheated on me ( see my other posts if interested) but I haven't totally let go yet. I still cry sometimes but not oftenBut I am far better off than I was even 3 or4 mos. ago. I think that sometimes letting go of something is much much harder than holding on. I think that sometimes when when we hold on to something we desire so much and we see that we are loosing it we grab hold of it tighter. The more it slips away the tighter we hold on. The problem with that is this: If you hold something in your hand and it starts to slip away your natural instinct is to hold it tighter but the problem is that if you grip gets get to tight you will either destroy what you're holding on to or it will squirt through your fingers. I'm looking for perspective so that I may continue to heal and move forward. Good luck everyone and thanks for all your help. I'm happy to be apart of this haeling community.

[mat347]

It's been five months as of yesterday for me, I don't know if its because of that or the fact I hung out with the two main couples we use to hang out this past weekend but the past few days have been alot harder. I was doing good for awhile there and this weekend just slammed me to the ground again. I understand what you mean about harder to let go than holding on. We will get there someday...

[FairyBread]

its been 4 months for me....yday was a year from when he proposed. I'm more disappointed with myself because i thought i was doing so well and then this mini anxiety attack appeared and this fear that i would never meet anyone new ever washed over me. I know it's completely illogical and everyone tells me i'm young and i've got plenty of time. But....i just really miss haviing someone there to just be there when you're feeliing sad...and last night i could have really done with a cuddle. *sigh*

[lemsip]

My hope's gone. Poured my heart out via letter/email/text a few months back and got zero reply.

Plus we own a house and it's up for sale now so there's no going back after that.

2 months since my BU and it's her bday this Wednesday. That's also the day I got engaged to her.

That will suck.

But we gotta just keep moving forward....

[endy]

Fairy, it's normal for that to happen even years later. Some things, events, people, or places can trigger that. You'll get through it again like you have before. To the OP... what you need to do is stop holding on. I can tell you need to read on the law of attraction. You want to read something interesting? Read this...

 

link removed

 

Although you DON'T want that person back. From reading your story I wouldn't want her back anyways... That's what you need to do to attract your ex back, or another loving person. You're in the process and you'll get there. Just keep telling yourself it doesn't matter. You need to start trying to control your thoughts and feelings more. The mind is our most powerful tool. I DON'T want you to use that as a guide to get her back. Use it as a guide/explanation onto why you are pushing someone further away by pining and needing them. That's the issue here. If you read enough on this forum... when people breakup 3 things happen. They get back together right away, the never get back together, or the dumpee starts moving on, gets themselves back, starts dating and BAM ex comes back or they meet someone better and don't want the ex back anymore.

 

Odd how that works isn't it? Read that post, give it some thought... It's a long post. Basically it explains what everyone on here preaches. NC, healing, working on yourself, boosting yourself, and then attracting something better. I encourage anyone that notices they have a deeper issue to work on those things as well.

[SpleenPoetry]

Holding on to hope is foolish in my situation, but sometimes I'm still doing it. I posted my story in another thread, he broke up with my telling me it's a break, so the first two or three weeks I had a lot of hope...I thought we'd get back together. But he kept ignoring me, even when I asked him in my letter to give me closure. It's been two months since the break up now, now all my hope is gone. I sometimes still hope he'll change his mind someday, but it's foolish to believe that, I know. If he's able to ignore me for two months straight without ever contacting me, why would he suddenly want to get back again in the future? It seems like he simply doesn't care for me anymore and is doing fine without me. If he'd really wanted to get back together, he would have tried already I think. He would at least have asked my how I'm doing or whatsoever.

[lemsip]

Holding on to hope is foolish in my situation, but sometimes I'm still doing it. I posted my story in another thread, he broke up with my telling me it's a break, so the first two or three weeks I had a lot of hope...I thought we'd get back together.

 

I think hope is OK when you genuinely do believe it - and have good reason to.

 

My ex strung me along on a break for 4 months before she finally had the balls to break up with me! But during that time she did all sorts of things to lead me to believe we would get back together. (Buying us concert tickets for a gig months down the line, hugging, kissing, telling me she felt positive about our relationship now, what we would do to fix up the house etc). So in that case, of course I had hope! Who wouldn't?!

 

I think the danger lies when you have no reason to feel hope, yet you still can't let go.

[SpleenPoetry]

I think it's really mean what your ex did, giving you hope for 4 months and then breaking up. That's just unfair.

 

In my situation, there's no good reason to believe in getting back together. I'd like to think otherwise, but then I would be only fooling myself. He's completely shut me out since the break up. It's like he disappeared from the planet, even though he lives only about 200 meters from where I live.

 

He did give me hope the moment he broke up with me, because he told me it was just a hiatus. He said I could get him back if I'd change certain things about myself. But then he told me so many things that weren't true, like 'I'll be there for you during this 'break'. So I don't think I should believe him about the hiatus thing.

[wheelerdealer]

Thanks for the link endy. Another bookmark! I get frustrated with this whole business on having to work on me sometimes. But the best advice I've learned to take is that when I'm thinking about her, I'm doing nothing but taking the focus away from myself. Even if I don't actively do anything to work on myself at that time it stops the thoughts of her. The pedestal, the false reality, the false hope; I'm guilty of all of it.

 

When I'm thinking of her, it helps me to say to myself, that's not reality. 99% of the time I'm romanticizing looooong ago in our relationship and not looking at the last month and a half. How crappy it was. No not crappy, HORRIBLE. It's been 2 weeks of no contact. I have no idea what she's been doing/up to. That's the reality. And further, I have zero control over any of that anyway. But like that article said, we can focus on us and our own healing, that we do have control over.

[boyblue]

Hope is basically a coping mechanism until our mind/brain/body whatever it actually is gets over it. We hope everyday that somehow something might happen and that kind of keeps us sane, I know I do it every day but I know deep down it won't ever happen but we fool ourselves and in a way it is probably better we do that because if we had no hope and our minds just stuck with she/he aint coming back we would be a lot worse off while trying to get over it.

 

BB

[LaKings55]

Nope, my hope died months ago. Of course, I don't have a lot of hope in anything anymore, but I'm working at it.

[lemsip]

When I'm thinking of her, it helps me to say to myself, that's not reality. 99% of the time I'm romanticizing looooong ago in our relationship and not looking at the last month and a half. How crappy it was. No not crappy, HORRIBLE.

 

Yeah last night I found myself thinking about a great time we had together on a particular holiday - but then I caught myself on and realised that was SIX YEARS ago.

[SpleenPoetry]

I think the hope my ex gave me, even though it was false hope, helped me getting over it a little easier: I would have been way more devastated had he told me right away it was the end. Of course I was still very devastated when he told me about the 'break', but there was always that glimpse of hope that would keep me from falling apart even more. So maybe I should thank him for not being honest with me and telling me lies...

[Mystery Enigma]

I too am deluded by this fallacy that one day she'll come back. She might but I think I'm too far gone to care. She played me so well and never apologized for it. It would take a monumental effort on her part to persuade me otherwise. I want to forgive, I believe people have the potential to change but I just broke NC yesterday because she kept messaging me (admittedly) funny stories and pictures. I asked her "What do you want, _____?" and she responded by being upset and she blocked me.

 

She hasn't changed, and she went back to her ex. I love the quote in endy's signature, ""People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.""

[beacon]

I'm trying to hold on to nope.

 

Nope, I won't contact you even though you continue to text me.

 

Nope, you can't have me. If you didn't want all of me, you can't have any of me.

[LaKings55]

If you didn't want all of me, you can't have any of me.

 

Great attitude to have. I know a lot of people preach kindness, and I'm all being a kind, caring, sincere person...but stick up for yourself. If you always just look the other way and let people do as they please and toy with your emotions, you're only going to get trampled on. That's why in most circumstances I disagree with friendship. It's like your ex (especially if they dumped you) is saying "Oh, here's a crumb of my affection."

[beacon]

Great attitude to have. I know a lot of people preach kindness, and I'm all being a kind, caring, sincere person...but stick up for yourself. If you always just look the other way and let people do as they please and toy with your emotions, you're only going to get trampled on. That's why in most circumstances I disagree with friendship. It's like your ex (especially if they dumped you) is saying "Oh, here's a crumb of my affection."

 

And it isn't easy for me to do this. Up until right at the end, she was a good and kind person, so it has been difficult to even see this approach. But once you realize that you have to love yourself more than you love them, it becomes a bit more clear. You ding ok, LaK?

[symbiot]

I think that one reason many of us ( myself included albeit stupid) continue to hold onto hop is because the logical part of the self knows the other person in the relationship is gone. The emotional part of the self that feels it needs the other person back knows that if it lets go of hope then the relationship is truly over for good. After you have gone through so much emotional distress the last thing you want to do is inflict more pain upon yourself. I also think that many of us think that if we give up hope and then "they" (our hearts desire) return then we will miss out on what we had so badly craved and that thought in and of itself causes us a certain amount of pain.

[Live-N-Learn]

Many of us have suffered more than necessary because we held out hope. Better to accept it, deal with the pain and get beyond it. Just realize, if you don't do it now you will just continue to suffer and prolong the inevitable. With that said, if they do come back you will be in a much better place and have healed and moved on.

[endy]

When you hang onto hope, you hang onto pining and needing your ex. That pushes them the hell away. So all of you looking for a way to get them back, truly lovingly need to GET YOURSELF BACK FIRST. Not worry about them, and put yourself on a pedestal. That's the only way you're going to attract a like person. Someone that loves themselves like you do yourself. That's the real message here.

 

You hang onto hope, then you don't stop thinking about them. You have them ahead of you, and they have all the power in the world over you. The universe doesn't listen to you when someone else has power over you, or you invest all your energy in someone or something else. Repeat, it doesn't matter anymore it's over three times every time you think about her/him. Then say I'm on the pedestal. Do it EVERY time you think about her/him.

[Aqua066]

Endy thanks for the link! Awesome stuff! I too have bookmarked it.

[bungalo]

I've had two intense, brief rel/ships since my LTR ended..the second one just ended today (?)...I was not deeply in love with either of them..some love yes..but you know what I mean...right after both of them fizzled out..I get zapped back into remembering how strong and superb my connection was with my ex..and yes it was 5 plus years too...soooo, my brain tells me that there is still hope for my ex and I because, afterall these other peeps aren't working out...and I know she's still single...arrrrrgghhhhh...

[hausser]

Weirdly bungalo I still get that for my ex ex from many years ago, although I know deep down it will never happen.

[Philabonia]

"Dum Spiro Spero" - While I breathe, I hope

 

I will always have hope. I have hope in the greater plan. I have hope in the memories we made together. I have hope that maybe one day she will realize that they were not all bad, and see that the situation was what made it all sour, not all because of me. I hope, because I have nothing else to hold on to. I know she was right for me, and I hope that one day she will look back, and wonder if I was right for her. I hope that I am around then, to show her that I am.

 

I'm still breathing, and so is she. That's enough for me to continue to hope.

 

But that doesn't mean I wont continue to live my life and do all the awesome things I intend to do - I know my value, and I know what I want. If she comes back, great - if not, I'll be fine.

 

But there will always be a tiny, tiny bit of hope, no matter what.

[Live-N-Learn]

I know she is never coming back and that's a good thing! Yes, I have a tiny, tiny bit of sick hope that she will just so that I can sleep with her. Ugh...that is so shallow and retarded. Sex is a powerful force!

 

I am working to improve myself so that I can attract a women that is so much more than just good in bed. I realize I have a lot of growing to do still if I hope that she comes back just so I can sleep with her.