Contact--where is it going?

[onetallulah]

I broke off a one year relationship with my boyfriend over 3 months ago. I ended it abruptly, and although he wanted me to 'cool off' and discuss the situation, I told him 'No. It's over.' And walked out. We had a few conversations that ended with me saying I wanted to meet so that we could have a real discussion regarding our relationship and why I ended it so quickly. (The reason being he was unable to be supportive of my emotional needs when I had some serious health issues.) At that time he still wanted to be friends, but didn't think meeting at that time would be a good thing (but wouldn't say why). It is now several months later (we've had a few conversations regarding business matters, not about our relationship) and he's begun sending me email jokes in response to my request to meet once again so that we can end it as mature adults, both get closure. I'm confused over why he won't allow a meeting, but continues to say things like 'I'm so glad we reconnected, we should do this more often" I'm not happy with the way I ended the relationship (emotional and abrupt) and want the opportunity to express why I made the decision to end it, maturely.

 

Can anyone offer advice on why someone would deny a chance of closure, but still make friendly chit chat? He used to send me email jokes regularly when we were together, and I'm confused on why he won't interact with me regarding our relationship, but continues to contact me with 'meaningless' email jokes.

 

I would love nothing more than to return to the relationship, but I don't believe people can change fundamental human values. So I just want to move on, but I do deserve closure. I miss him, and the relationship, but I've gotten back to having a wonderful life that doesn't include him. I'm not longing for him, am dating again, but this one issue still keeps me connected. I've told him that I still want to see him to say goodbye like mature adults (he's 45, I'm 31) but if he doesn't agree, I'll accept that. My response was a series of email jokes over the last couple of days. I haven't responded to him.

 

Thanks for all your help and advice!

[trinitystorm]

When you say closure- do you mean that you want to find out that there will be no chance to be with him again? Or that you possibly want to rekindle something with him? You say that you want to get back together with him, then why do you want closure? So you can move on with your life? It all sounds a bit confusing. If you want closure, you are the one who can do that- not him. If you feel that the relationship is over in your heart, then that is the closure you need. Why do you need him to confirm it?

 

I don't know if that helps.....

[chai714]

I've told him that I still want to see him to say goodbye like mature adults

 

You already told him goodbye 3 months ago. At this point, it's not up to him to give you closure, nor does he owe anything to you - including that conversation you want to have with him. Closure comes from within, although discussing things with people certainly helps the process move along much faster. Telling him "why" you ended things really doesn't matter now, because the bottom line is that you don't want to be with him. If he doesn't want to meet up with you in person, you'll be forced to tell him over the phone. Try looking at things from his perspective - you dumped him, so what does he owe you?

[a_little_sparrow]

onetallulah,

 

I agree with what everyone here has said, and I guess I wonder a few things. If this email you sent him recently included the request to meet so that you could "end things as mature adults," he may feel he has already ended things, and there's no more need to set up closure.

 

I also wonder something else. Do you want to do this closure in person so that you can find out whether you would still want him back? That's the only reason I can see it being necessary to do it in person.

 

Overall, I would say, you let him know you would like to meet in person, and he has avoided it (which seems consistent with his personality that you've described). If he isn't interested in seeing you, but you still feel you have some things you want to get off your chest, I would suggest sending it in a letter, and then being done with it. I had an ex who did that over a year after she had broken up with me, and I really appreciated it. In fact, I feel as though I'm now able to have a civil and warm conversation with her. With little awkwardness.

 

Best of luck.

[Clarabelle]

Onetallulah, it might be hard for your ex to offer you the opportunity for closure, particularly since you were the dumper and did not offer him the chance for discussion when you ended it. It seems to me that you created closure right there. I'm not clear from your message what exactly you want. Could it benefit you to clarify that question first? In the meantime, the kind of light contact you have with him sounds just right for now.