onetallulah

For a man 42 years of age you still have a lot of growing up to do. I'm sorry to say it so bluntly, but maybe someone has to. People's feelings are precious and valuable--whatever you do, do not play games with her. Granted, she might not be any better by ignoring you, but at least she's not stringing you along. I'm sorry, but it sounds like you don't understand a true loving relationship--especially if you would cheat with your ex on your current girlfriend. It's people like you that give relationships a bad rep.

If only each and every human being on this earth was so emotionally evolved and enlightened, this site wouldn't need to exist. To love someone so deeply and let them go with love is the most selfless and divine thing another being can do. So although you probably feel tremendous sadness and grief over your loss, you are angelic in your heart, and that is what will really make you happy every day.

Hello All. Almost 6 months ago I broke off a year long relationship for valid reasons (his inability to be there for me emotionally during a tragic event. When times were good, we were great, but once you need support during a difficult situation a person's true character emerges). My ex continued to communicate with me but refused to see me to discuss why I ended things. He wanted to remain friends, but I didn't want that as we did not start off as friends, and mostly because he wasn't there for me even as a friend would have been during my tragic situation. I then stopped all contact and about a month later he emailed me to congratulate me on seeing a movie I had worked on. I did not respond, holding true to NC. A few days later he emailed me again, wanting to know how I was, what was going on in my life. A part of me wants to be completely honest and say: "Please don't contact me anymore because I am not emotionally able to be 'friendly' because of all of my pain and disappointment in how he wasn't there when I needed him to be" The other part of me, the one that still loves him and would love to reunite wants to be friendly and see where it goes. I guess the real question is: WHY does he still want to be friendly, to know how I'm doing. If he wanted to be with me then he would be--we would discuss the past and work it out. But he won't discuss the past, but he doesn't make any comment on having a future or trying to get back together either. (No, I haven't asked--I'm just confused by his actions) If he doesn't want to be with me, then wouldn't he just consider my not contacting him as his get out of jail free card and walk away and not look back? Thanks for any advice anyone has to offer!

Roxy, breakups are always hard, for both sides. I think what's important to be aware of is is his effort 1: because he has indeed reconsidered your relationship and is considering getting back together b/c he's had some time to think and to miss you OR 2: he wants to know that he's always got you in his back pocket, emotionally dependent on his desires/wishes should he ever want the comfort of you. I've found, in my experience, that some people want to feel like they're empowered, can choose to keep you dangling with hope while they're still out there looking for something else--it's incredibly selfish and unfair, but true nonetheless. However, the other option is just as viable and hopefully, true. Sometimes we don't adequately realize how much we care for someone until we're away from them. It gives us time to reflect on why we love them, what problems there were with the relatioship, and if we're ready to dedicate ourselves to repairing the damage and try once again. Someone on this site stated that if someone found you attractive and desireable once, they are bound to return to that feeling, given you are still the person (or better) that you were when you met. The most difficult thing about this time is PATIENCE. In my opinion, your ex sounds like he's making a decided effort to reconnect. It will take time for both of you to discover what that means for your future. All the best! Nancy

I broke off a one year relationship with my boyfriend over 3 months ago. I ended it abruptly, and although he wanted me to 'cool off' and discuss the situation, I told him 'No. It's over.' And walked out. We had a few conversations that ended with me saying I wanted to meet so that we could have a real discussion regarding our relationship and why I ended it so quickly. (The reason being he was unable to be supportive of my emotional needs when I had some serious health issues.) At that time he still wanted to be friends, but didn't think meeting at that time would be a good thing (but wouldn't say why). It is now several months later (we've had a few conversations regarding business matters, not about our relationship) and he's begun sending me email jokes in response to my request to meet once again so that we can end it as mature adults, both get closure. I'm confused over why he won't allow a meeting, but continues to say things like 'I'm so glad we reconnected, we should do this more often" I'm not happy with the way I ended the relationship (emotional and abrupt) and want the opportunity to express why I made the decision to end it, maturely. Can anyone offer advice on why someone would deny a chance of closure, but still make friendly chit chat? He used to send me email jokes regularly when we were together, and I'm confused on why he won't interact with me regarding our relationship, but continues to contact me with 'meaningless' email jokes. I would love nothing more than to return to the relationship, but I don't believe people can change fundamental human values. So I just want to move on, but I do deserve closure. I miss him, and the relationship, but I've gotten back to having a wonderful life that doesn't include him. I'm not longing for him, am dating again, but this one issue still keeps me connected. I've told him that I still want to see him to say goodbye like mature adults (he's 45, I'm 31) but if he doesn't agree, I'll accept that. My response was a series of email jokes over the last couple of days. I haven't responded to him. Thanks for all your help and advice!

I would love some advice/perspective from the men of this forum (women please feel free to add if you've been through the same thing). I recently broke it off with a man I had been dating for 10 months. The reason: insensitivity. What I would like to hear from the men is if you think I overreacted, or am I right for what I did. Our time together was fantastic, we were truly equals in regards to all our desires. But life throws us curveballs and when the sh*t hits the fan, that is the time we see if our partners are really there for us. I'm giving you a brief summary of the events of our relationship-- For six months, everything was perfect--we went from dating to serious slowly, he being the one that wanted to be exclusive and share more of our lives together. I was happy and willingly embraced that. I then went through some very traumatic health experiences (diagnosed with a tumor, possibly cancer). He barely reacted to it--while my friends offered to take me to the hospitals and be there to support me, he left me to do it all alone. Never expressed concern more than 'how's it going?'. I never expressed how terrified I was regarding my health, just tried to be strong and do it alone. Only after I broke up with him did I tell him how I felt so alone, and his response was that he's sorry I'm hurt, but he didn't react at all to my trauma and his not being there for me. This is the question: if you really care for someone (he says he does), how can you just sit back while someone goes through something so traumatic and not be there? Even after the breakup he still wants to be friends. He doesn't want to lose me as a girlfriend, but I can't be with someone that is so emotionally void.

Sparrow, If I can offer you any comfort or consolation of a woman's perspective...you must consider that we are all looking for that special person in our lives, sometimes we try and fail, sometimes we succeed, but most often it is a journey that teaches us things about ourselves, and most importantly about being a human being. And the people we meet along the way help us to figure out what we really need. But we can't ever give up hope. First, you must congratulate yourself for feeling so deeply about another--that is a true testament about your emotional health. and in regards to your ex that wants to feel 'intensity' towards you, ask yourself if this is someone whom you are willing to grow together with. If the answer is yes, then really give yourself (and the ex) a chance to discover if the love between you is strong enough to get over this obstacle. I broke up with my ex for very similar reasons (although it was his issues with intimacy that drove me to make a break). I love him dearly, but the cold truth of it is we as individuals know what we want, and sometimes the other person just isn't capable of giving that to us. Sad, but true. So you are right in that her indecision is her issue. She must make a decision. Unfortunately you are waiting in the wings--the worst part of the equation. the way I feel about my ex is that I have very clearly stated what I need from the relationship, now it is his decision whether he will step up to the plate, or move on. I guess, in retrospect, my breaking up with him was a strong statement that he wasn't fulfilling me like I needed or deserved. It was the most difficult decision of my life, and causes me great pain. But ultimately you must accept that whatever the decision is, hopefully it brings each of you greater awareness of your needs. We want to be loved by the right person, the special person we are willing to devote our time and attention to. If she truly doesn't think you are that person, then you must face the hurt and move on. But you sound like a well grounded man and I don't need to tell you that the best you can do is be honest and open with your feelings--then the ball is in her court. I tried to close the door and run away, but my ex wanted to be friends, didn't want to say goodbye. I agree with the 'no contact' on a certain level, especially in the beginning, because although I did the dumping, I had so much I wanted to say--but when you are hurting, it is usually anger and resentment that comes out. It is true that if the love is really there, if both parties are willing to communicate, there is hope. Finding someone you want to spend your time with is rare and wonderful--that doesn't go away. But we all have basic human needs, and we will never be happy or fulfilled if they are not taken care of. So ask yourself is you have given all that you can to the relationship. If the answer is yes, and she's still not interested, please honor yourself and let her go and make space for the woman that finds you perfect. If you can admit that you are whole, then it is as simple as two people that do not meet on an equal standing. That doesn't mean the hurt and loneliness will go away now, but it does mean you now have a better understanding of the person whom you deserve to have in your life.

A little sparrow... How do you know when the healing is done on both sides? I don't think there is ever a black and white in this, but more of individual healing (you can never truly know what is going on with the ex's mind) and hopefully if there is communication between the two of you, a slow process back to creating a life together. You have to think about the relationship as a completely new one, not just fall back into the intimacy. When you first date someone, you give little by little, as you feel safer and more comfortable with sharing yourself. As you begin to trust this person, and your feelings grow, you continue to share more and more. That is a bond that has been created. If you get back together with someone after you've broken up, the way to know if healing has occurred and the relationship is ready to move forward, is to treat it like a new one. Slowly, building the trust and love all over again. If you assume they've changed, without witnessing it, you could put yourself in dangerous territory if they haven't. The REASONS for leaving must be improved and healed, or the relationship will never grow. You will only get hurt again. This is perhaps the most terrifying part of breaking up, and reuniting. All you can think of is the pain, but somehow even the pain seems small when you think of missing them. So you pretend the pain that led you to your decision really isn't that powerful, that love can conquer all, that what really matters is this special person in your life. But that's just emptiness speaking (and yes, love too--but not as much as you think) because now you are alone, a large void in your life, and you want a quick fix and want to fill it. You think getting them back will do that--maybe for a moment, but again, if HEALING has not occcured, there is no hope of a future. And so healing does mean ALONE time, healing yourself, giving your ex space to think about what there is/isn't between you. All you can do is be completely honest with yourself, get back to that place where you live a fulfilling life without them. (I know, it seems like you'll never be happy again, but think about it like going to the gym. It hurts like hell when you're on your 100th squat, muscles burning, short of breath, dear god please make it stop, I can't do this again, tomorrow, the day after etc--but when you're done, not right away, but down the road in the future, all that pain and torture really was worth it because look at what's in the mirror now: A completely new you! Is there an answer? Not a definitive one, but just know that if you are hurting and feeling lost because of a breakup, you are not alone.

You have posed a great question, and I'd like to share my experience as a dumper. I was involved in a relationship for 10 months with a man that had every quality I looked for in a partner except for one fatal flaw: I didn't feel emotionally fulfilled or cared for in the way I needed. And I do believe that is what most drives most well grounded people to the breaking point. As difficult as it is to 'dump' someone, sometimes it is not to hurt the other person, but to protect yourself. Truth is, although I walked away, I still care for him deeply. In fact, it was only after I left that I realized I truly loved, and still love, this man. So for all the 'dumpees' out there, please take solace that sometimes it doesn't mean that a person doesn't love you, but sometimes a choice has to be made and that both parties do suffer for it. I would give anything to have the relationship back, to be back together, but I know that until there is growth on both sides, until the reason for the breakup could be healed and improved (and that takes changing on BOTH sides) there will never be a future. There have been some wonderfully insightful posts on this site regarding getting over a breakup. If you really cared/loved for someone I agree that it is never easy to move on, or to ever forget that person. Love is such a special emotion, but without respect and honor for the relationship, sometimes you have to 'cut your losses' and try to find what you need elsewhere. But for those feeling hurt, sad or lonely because they're heartbroken because they have been 'dumped', please know (at least from this 'dumper') that it is extremely difficult for us too. I wish I could take back that moment when I ended it, to have it return to the glorious days of love and happiness, but in all things there are good and bad. But when the bad outweighs the good....well, you know the story.