Hate Myself Every Day But Can't Tell Him

[citichik]

I am new to this forum, but was hoping to get some advice.

 

Last year, a long-time friend and I decided that we wanted to move our relationship to another level and start dating. The only problem was (and remains) that we are long distance - I live on the west coast and he lives on the east coast. Since we were both busy with work we thought that we could make a long-distance relationship between us work as we wouldn't have time to get lonely. And it did work, for a little while.

 

The problem, on top of a long-distance relationship where we only saw eachother once per month, was that he told me that I had to accept that his ex-girlfriend was still a part of his life and that he would do anything for her. This came on the heels of him spending the night with her and other friends at a party and he divulged to me that he and his ex-girlfriend spent the whole night sitting and drinking wine, alone, and that he had to reassure her over and over that I would never take her place. After that, they slept in the same room. I was devastated.

 

Last year was a very stressful year for me professionally and when I expressed any need to my bf, or reservations about the time/devotion to his ex, he accused me of being selfish. I found myself retreating further and further.

 

At around the same time, there was a man at work that spent time listening to me and talking with me about how I was feeling. I connected with him. Because I was getting less and less from my bf, and more care from this new friend, I ended my relationship for the reason that he was not meeting my needs. After a short break-up, my bf and I got together again, and things have been on the mend. We will be moving to the same city soon and things are looking up. He no longer spends any time with his ex. I am completely in love with him and would never ever do anything to put what we have now at risk.

 

During the earlier part of our relationship, however, I had sex with another man. I feel guilty and horrible about it every day, and can't stop beating myself up about it. My bf is always talking about how he would hate anyone who ever cheated on him. And I did. I feel that if I told him he would never forgive me and dump me. I feel such guilt and remorse for what I did that I feel like telling him now, even though I don't know what is to be gained except for lightening my conscience. That time seems so far away now compared to what we have at this moment together. Should I tell him?

[hockeyboy]

you should tell him because it will only eat away at you for as long as your with him. imagine if you marry him, thats a long time to live with that on your conscience. plus when you tend to hide things from your lover you also tend to develop feelings that they may be hiding things from you. i never cheated but i did do things i was not proud of in the past and when i came clean i felt a lot better and if they can forgive you for it, it does make the relationship stronger...but make sure he knows how horrible you feel and if chooses to leave you because of what you did, you have to respect that.

[OceanEyes]

Should I tell him?

 

No. That's the short answer. You seem to be guilty and recognize your mistake, which usually makes it a lot harder to make the same mistakes in the future.

 

In all honesty, and I might sound horrible for saying so, but I can understand why you cheated. I'm not saying it was right, but with him being so far away, spending time with his ex and telling her things like this:

 

This came on the heels of him spending the night with her and other friends at a party and he divulged to me that he and his ex-girlfriend spent the night sitting and drinking wine, alone, and that he had to reassure her over and over that I would never take her place.

 

Take her place? YOU'RE his girlfriend now, not her! I can see him still wanting to maintain a friendship with her, but it's presumptuous for him to expect you to be totally okay with him spending a whole night drinking wine and shmoozing with an ex-girlfriend. I hope he reassured you that nobody could take your place, and that you hold a very special place in his life. I just don't get why he would tell you that, seems odd.

 

Try to put this behind you. Telling him will most likely break you up. Even if it doesn't right away, the lack of trust and resentment will last, since you know how strong his feelings are on the subject. You realize your mistake, so learn from it and try to build on the relationship you have with him now.

[hockeyboy]

i agree that what he was doing was by no means the right thing to do either. did you cheat on him out of spite or revenge? if so that certainly cannot be a good sign for any relationship. it sounds like you have both made mistakes which is okay because we are all human. if you truly love eachother you will forgive eacother. i know that in past relationships i had problems forgiving but the girl i truly love, i have no problems forgiving her.

[american dream]

Well I think you should tell him. Be very apologetic and ask for his forgiveness. If it was at the very early stage of your relationship perhaps he will understand. Perhaps he will not. That is the risk you have taken. If you are sincere about it, he would likely stay with you, but it will be an incredible hurdle.

 

I think you should tell him not only for the honesty factor (the cornerstone of a relationship) but becasue it is obviously grating on you. Think of this: how will your relationship work out in the long run if you dont tell him? How will you grow old together if this is always in the back of your mind? How will he feel if you continue to hide this from him and one day he finds out years from now? He might be inclined to revenge.

 

Finally, I am a big fan of a clean conscience. How much is a good nights sleep really worth to you?

 

Hope it works out.

[citichik]

Good advice - all. Thank you for responding!

 

The hardest part for me is definitely living with the guilt. Friends that I have talked to have rationalized it both ways (tell vs. don't tell) so, like in this forum, there are a variety of different opinions. One friend suggested that to tell was selfish, as it would make me feel better, but my partner would feel worse. Another friend suggested that he wished that he had never told his current wife about an early affair, as she has to bear that burden. Two other friends completely disagree and have advised complete honesty, and to live with the result (possible break-up).

 

To top it all off, this completely feeds into issues of low self-worth on my end, and I almost feel that I should tell, because if the response is negative, I will get what I deserve.

[Scout]

I am 100% with OceanEyes take on this. I wouldn't tell him, it will definitely break you two up - if not immediately, then somewhere down the road. People do not forgive cheating, and very often will cheat on you for "revenge". If you know at the bottom of your heart you wouldn't do it again, then I think your conscious should be guilt-free. It was very early into the relationship when it happened, and at a time when he was not 100% committed to you. Think about it, that night drinking wine with his ex - he was emotionally cheating on you. Consider the whole thing in the past, which doesn't exist anymore.

[american dream]

Think about it, that night drinking wine with his ex - he was emotionally cheating on you. Consider the whole thing in the past, which doesn't exist anymore.

 

Wow. Equating emotional cheating with the physical act? Seems a bit... strange. I was "emotionally" cheated on, but I would never equate that with the physical act.

 

Clearly she does not consider the whole thing in the past. It is still affecting her and she feels very guilty about what she did. That does not mean it doesn't exist anymore.

[Scout]

American Dream, you raise a good point. If it's bothering her this much, clearly the past "exists".

 

Physical cheating is "worse" than emotional cheating, but if I was dating someone who told me all the stuff her guy told me he did with his ex....the wine, spending the night, assuring his ex his new gal would never take the place of his ex...well, I'd feel betrayed and would have broken up with him. It was very forgiving of the original poster not to do so!

 

My concern is he might not be as forgiving as she is, and break up with her for something she did early on in their relationship where things weren't so sure between them.

 

I guess the issue here is: she should tell him if the guilt is really eating her up and she can't stand that he doesn't know, but to be prepared for that to be the end of the relationship.

[citichik]

I guess that I really need to figure out the root of this guilt. Clearly, having cheated makes me really ashamed of myself because I am "not like that." Most important, however, I feel guilty because I know how much it would hurt my bf to know that I had cheated.

 

At the same time, there is a bit of a feeling of resentment toward him for treating me so poorly in the early days of our relationship, and when I would raise any objection he would accuse me of being selfish and jealous. I started to believe that I was, when really I just wanted to have his attention and love and not be seen as secondary to his ex. I feel like a big sucker for staying when at any other time (when I had less stress at work, had not just received news from my doctor re: potential cancer - it wasn't, thank god) I would have left. I was just a big vulnerable mess. This doesn't excuse what I did, though. I *sure* wish, though, that I would have gotten some support from him.

 

Okay, after all this, I did break it off with him for a short period in February but then he convinced me to come back. And things have been good since then.

 

Thanks again for your advice - it all means a lot to me right now.

[Scout]

Ok, here is a third option: IF you decide you must tell him about "cheating" on him with someone else, immediately follow it up with...this has been eating me up inside, and pretty much throughout the whole relationship. That and the issue with your ex, I still have resentment about that. This whole relationship has never had a stress-free period for me, and as much as I care about you, I don't see how this can be a successful relationship. Maybe it's best if we take a break and see if we are really meant to be together.

 

Ok, I know: that's a HUGE risk. It's also the only way you are not going to be 100% on the defensive. I think he will be angry, yes, but he will also wonder why YOU are suggesting the break which will bring HOME TO HIM how much his behavior in the beginning really screwed up the relationship at the beginning and made you vulnerable to the advances of someone else. It might be the tiniest shred of hope you have in a) saving the relationship if you tell him and b) ensuring he doesn't cheat on you down the road if he harbors resentment that you cheated on him.

 

I know this is going to be a very controversial post to many, so please...be gentle with me.

[american dream]

Actually, that doesn't sound like a bad idea. If you do tell him, like I said, be very sincere in the apology BEFORE discussing your problems with him. I hope he isn't the kind of guy who will just get up and leave the second he hears this.

 

 

Also, is the guy you cheated with still around? That could be a good thing to bring up if he isn't. Just say it was really stupid and you could never think of doing it again (I hope!). I wouldn't tell him it was a one night stand (even if it was) because then he will think you are a s1ut and that you have the capability to do it again. If it is a coworker or other friend, I wouldn't give out many specifics either because he would then defineately feel threatened and would most likely lash out. Just confront it, be sincere, and consider his feelings.

 

 

If he does start to ask, "how, why, for how long", type of questions just try to keep it breif, minimize it to the extent possible BUT DO NOT DISMISS IT OR GET OVERLY DEFENSIVE. Also, mentally prepare yourself for ALL the possible outcomes. He could walk out, start crying, breakdown, start yelling, get verbally abusive and call you names, ect. Just be prepared, but I do think for both of your sakes you should address this issue as soon as possible. Do not let it linger any longer.

 

 

I hope you two get through this, and I wish you all the best.

[Dimitri]

Hiya, I'm new to this forum(what a silly declaration) and i registered just to answer to this post because I totally freaked out when i read it.

 

So let me get this straight.. He practically ignored you when you were at the most vulnerable and stressful situation and needed his support, he even had the AUDACITY to tell you that he was reassuring his ex that she would be the only one in a romantic setting over some glass of wine(and who knows what else..) and expected you to simply ACCEPT IT.. and it is YOU the one whos is having the guilt simply for finding somewhere else the love and affection that he DENIED you while he was giving it to his ex?

 

I think that you should come clean, no overly apolologetic tone, and explain him how mistreated and confused you felt when you did what you did. If he cant sympathize with you, recognize his mistakes and forgive you then maybe he wasnt meant to be the right guy for you

 

And girl, try to build some self-esteem. If tou continue blaming yourself so much about everything, you will soon start feeling guilty for the ozone layer depletion or the hunger in third world countries

[Cecelius]

I've been in your shoes before, and how I felt was (1) not bold enough to take the heat from the g/f by telling her and (2) ashamed of having made a lie out of things. My solution was to break up with her.

 

It was completely my fault, but I figured I was hurting her less by just breaking up than by either lying to her (because no hidden truth stays hidden forever, and its just wrong anyway) or telling her straight out. You stay with him because you want him, not because its the best thing for him.

 

It's hard to track all of the relevant time periods in your case but it still sounds like you are saying that he started it, especially by his time spent with his ex. Aside from the fact that he sounds a little weak, he was up front with you about his relationship with her and basically offered you the deal he was willing to give.

 

So you had sex with another man to pay him back? Or just because your needs weren't being met? Unfulfilled needs usually justify a "where are we" talk or a break up, not a fling.

 

I guarantee you if this other guy is still a friend (and I mean, is he in your email contacts at all, sends you jokes, in your cell phone, have you seen him in any context since then, is he at parties, events, reunions, is he related to a friend of yours....) or co-worker, your man will be supremely ticked off and justifiably so. He may base whether he wants to continue being involved with you on whether this guy is part of your life today.

 

So in short, I think you broke the rules (and more than he was breaking, especially since he told you were she fell at the time) and if you think you don't want to face him with the truth, then just break up with him.

[citichik]

Thank-you for your responses.

 

My relationship with my partner has been excellent over the past couple of months and I feel that we are closer now than ever. We are even talking about moving in together next year.

 

What I did was wrong, and I did not, in any way, want to blame him for my actions. I made the decision, I carried it out.

 

I have made the decision to tell him what happened because I do not want this to ever come between us. I love him and want to be with him and want to give him the option to decide whether or not he can still be with me. If he can't, then I will have to live with it.

 

Thanks again for your advice, and for helping me to stop beating up on myself.