8 year age gap/maturity differences

[meoww]

This man is an old ex of mine I met when I was 20. He recently contacted me for something and all the emotions came flooding back. By this, I mean, all the feelings of being manipulated and coerced into a sexual relationship I never wanted. He gives me the creeps, even though he was 28, I was a very immature 20 year old and I also look VERY young.

 

I'd like to get over this feeling of violation and victimization but I can't let go.

 

More than the age gap, I didn't like his lifestyle and the way he tried to control mine. I finally pulled myself together enough to leave 3 years later but I know it's not healthy to keep feeling this way.

 

Has anyone ever felt taken advantage of in an age gap relationship and what did you do about it?

 

The guy has a lot of emotional problems and prefers younger women. He's not the worst guy but I wish I could stop being so grossed out. I don't think it's very fair of me to be so harsh...

[Deciduous]

Hi meoww,

 

Cut contact. If that's what he made you feel, then own your emotions. Trust yourself. You owe him nothing. Sometimes people in unequal relationships (with fuzzy borderlines) attempt to use the ex-abuser as a make-shift therapist. They want the person to subtly admit wrong-doing and provide them with closure.

 

Unfortunately that doesn't work. He will deny everything and pretend he doesn't know what you are talking about. This is a way of life for him and he has no conscience about it. I know it will be tempting to bring him to task but he lacks the emotional awareness to face what he did.

 

Fact is you cut contact in the past for a very real reasons. He is not your friend and certainly doesn't deserve your well wishes. He's a guy who deliberately took advantage of your naivete and inexperience in relationships. He used immoral and highly dubiouscoersive tactics. You were very young, not your fault so forgive yourself on that score. Sounds like he is very practised.

 

I would highly suggest that you talk to therapist about this to come to term with your feelings about the relationship.

 

Let it out. You deserve closure on this. You are much stronger, wiser and older than you were. Stand up for yourself against him.

 

 

 

All the best to you - Deci

[lukeb]

You were 20 years old, so there comes a time where you have to take responsibility for your actions. You did agree to have sex with him. The way to let go of these feelings of violation and victimization is to acknowledge that. You may not have been proud of what you did, but you know many of us to stupid things when we are young, and you are no different. In fact many of us to stupid things when we are older too.

 

It is not healthy to feel the way you do. You need to learn to empower yourself, and part of that is taking responsibility for oneself.

[meoww]

Thank you both for your replies! I have gleaned some valuable insight from both of you.

 

Deciduous--I appreciate your compassion and understanding. You were absolutely right, I was heading in that direction--I have been trying to get him to admit he took advantage of me when I was experiencing a personal crisis but to not much avail. When we first met he went on and on about how mature I was for my age which I now realize was a way of justifying being sexual with me...I feel so disgusted with myself even now. I will seek professional help and stop expecting this to be resolved by reaching out to him! Thank you so much for the advice.

 

lukeb--I also think you are on point as well. Regardless of the circumstances, I did have a sense of personal agency at the time and should have trusted my instincts. Lesson learned...even if it was a rather costly one since he tried to convince me that all my ambitions and passions weren't meaningful. Now I'm less unstable and more sure of what I want, so I shouldn't be so vulnerable. I wish I would have avoided him to begin with but you're right, mistakes in all arenas of life are inevitable and I need to get used to it.

[Ariel85]

I'd like to get over this feeling of violation and victimization but I can't let go.

 

I don't think it's very fair of me to be so harsh...

 

This is your disconnect. Once you bridge this, you WILL be able to let go.

 

You are entirely entitled to your feelings on how he treated you. They sound totally valid and authentic.

 

So, don't turn around and invalidate your own reality, by saying you're being unfair for being harsh. You're not.

 

The reason you're not moving beyond this, is because you're still blaming yourself too much, and much like most people who have been abused, victimized, etc., you're showing too much sympathy for the perpetrator. Doing so will always keep you stuck.

[meoww]

Thanks for your support. After I read your response I had to let myself cry a little bit, it's such a relief to have my feelings validated after so long. I feel less guilty now, and more inclined to put this behind me. I really think you're right.