Afraid of forgetting him...?

[Tryptophan]

Towards the end of the excruciating journey of healing and recovery, I can almost feel the numbness in my heart. I almost feel nothing for him these days, and although he crosses my mind quite often and more than I’d like to, I’m actually of afraid of forgetting him. I also feel afraid of that feeling of nothingness. Rationally, I know I never will forget him. I know that I will be lucky if he manages to stay out of my mind for a month some time in the future, and yet that fear of him no longer being present in my mind, is scary.

 

It’s crazy how you go from being all love-drunk one time to feeling like someone ripped your heart out to feeling nearly nothing. I can feel that day coming where “nearly nothing” will be “nothing” and it scares me. The mind is very different because of the memories and associations so he will be present but I don’t think I’m the type of person that has a heart that keeps a little spot for the people it loved. I just stop feeling for them like I have in the past.

 

My past exes I feel nothing for but there’s that part of me just clings on to this particular guy, and I’m afraid that’s gonna go away. Part of me wants to hold on to the beautiful feelings I had for him and the obsessive thinking that was supplementary to this relationship. I know it’s probably wrong but just to test myself I went on an AIM account I had that I made just to chat with him; he had made one too and it included both our names and avatars (this is how foolish we were). And though there was no history of chat because I deleted it all, our profiles were still there dedicated to each other.

 

It made me cry not because he’s no longer in my life, or because of him—I don’t really miss him anymore—but because it went from being full of puppy-love phrases to being absolutely empty. It is just a faint recollection of what once was there; merely the shell of what protected something so fragile that ended up breaking.

 

Why is that fear there? Should I not be glad that I’m actually almost healed? Why does my heart—and especially my mind—insist on being… (can’t find a better word) masochistic?

 

I just needed to let this out. Any input is appreciated. I'm not sure if this is characteristic of a particular stage—depression, acceptance (hopefully), though I've never felt like this before.

[mhowe]

Yup, you've found acceptance. You won't forget him, but you will stop thinking about him consciously, and wondering. And in time, something will really have to trigger a memory. But that is called healing ---- and growing ----- and letting go. Good job!

[Hollyj]

Do you really want to continue to hold on to pain and drama? If so, I would ask yourself why.

 

Moving on is a good thing, if we don't we will remain unhappy and permanently stuck. Do you want to remain in a place of limbo forever? I hope not.

 

Lastly, you may be fearful, as you would have to trust another to let them into your heart. Holding on to the past keeps you safe from intimacy with another.

[Justnotsure]

I just want to say that I completely identify with you, and I don't think what you're experiencing is strange at all. Especially if you had times of obsessive thoughts and strong feelings -- it's a bit of a shock when all of that gets ripped away. For awhile after the break up, you can continue to obsess and talk about it - because, well, you're someone who has just broken up - that's what you do. And that keeps the obsession alive - so you feel crappy and hurt, but at least there is emotion there.

 

It's when 6-7 months pass, and you have no new material - you're replaying the old tapes, and getting further and further from reality that the emptiness seeps in. You no longer viscerally miss HIM, but you miss the FEELING that you had.

 

Nobody said it was an easy road -- but if you try to put the achiness for that feeling away and focus on other things - work, friends, hobbies...eventually you'll get to a place where you don't ache so strongly for that connection anymore -- which, as cliche as it is, is when you'll be in the perfect place to find it.

[luvsomeone333]

i agree with all of you guys, ive felt exactly that feeling before...afraid of forgetting. i think that feeling you had with him is what you had left of him and your afraid to let go cause thats all you know and how you have always felt and well now like what someone said in this forum, its like a broken tape playing the same old feeling again and again. nothing has changed and now you dont sing to the same old music. You want something new. which is good. your learning to let go. im happy for you. trust yourself and be happy that you have finally let go. you have attained something that some people cannot feel after a break up. Enjoy the single life. you feel good about yourself, you tend to smell the air with a sense of freedom and the weight you have carried is all gone now. you feel lightweight. You wont forget him, his always going to be part of you in some way. It is sad we could love a person at one moment and the next we feel nothing for them... This is life, we experience the bad and good. You can cherish the memories but dont let that fear hold you back. its ok to be happy. everybody deserve to be happy no matter whose fault it was...

[Realitynut]

Afraid that you're not only losing the thoughts and 'feelings' of HIM...but afraid that you will lose forever the feeling of loving someone so greatly, and losing the feelings of being loved in return. I never had that kind of love until I was in my 50's. I was in a loveless marriage for 20 years before that. so now I have to deal with the loss of my only love that I ever had in my life. When I lose these 'loving feelings' , will I ever have them back again...ever???

Who's to say? there's lots of women I know who never found love again. I hope I'm not one of them. But he was the most handsome and charismatic person I ever met. So much so, a younger and very wealthy woman found him irresistible also!!! And he with her!!

[meoww]

Afraid that you're not only losing the thoughts and 'feelings' of HIM...but afraid that you will lose forever the feeling of loving someone so greatly, and losing the feelings of being loved in return. I never had that kind of love until I was in my 50's. I was in a loveless marriage for 20 years before that. so now I have to deal with the loss of my only love that I ever had in my life. When I lose these 'loving feelings' , will I ever have them back again...ever???

Who's to say? there's lots of women I know who never found love again. I hope I'm not one of them. But he was the most handsome and charismatic person I ever met. So much so, a younger and very wealthy woman found him irresistible also!!! And he with her!!

 

This is horrible...I'm so sorry for your loss. I really hope for your sake, that he wasn't as great as he sounds. I'm quite a bit younger than you but this is one of my worst relationship fears. So it really does happen doesn't it? It just gives me this sick feeling. Until recently, I've been very naive about the competitive nature of relationships (and life in general I guess.)

[meoww]

I think you are very on point when you say that your heart was protecting you from the pain. Little by little we come to accept the impossible, and I think some pain is to great to be handled at once. Unfortunately for us, the healing doesn't come as quickly as we would like.

 

It hard to forget a great love but it's truly only one experience of many meaningful experiences! that's also a tough truth to swallow. seriously, at least you had it, some people will never be so lucky. It doesn't seem like much but it really is!

 

On the bright side, I'm sure you have become a better partner in the process and hopefully it will pay off someday. Don't give up on that, now you have the tools to actually get want you want.