getting over the blah stage???

[jfly]

So, we separated 5 weeks ago. Our marriage had entered the "flat and empty" stage, stage 4 according to the relationship institute... that stage where you just start going thru the motions. We went thru alot together. Lived together in a huge metropolis. Traveled together. Moved to a completely foreign country for 5 months. Moved to a new city after that. Did everything together. Then things got, well, boring. Neither of us were engaged with each other. Things got stale. She started getting interested in some guy at work over the past 9 months. "emotional affair". I moved out. After that she, on her own volition, stopped seeing the guy (who was married).

 

Anyway, it's been 5 weeks now. I went thru hell and back analyzing everything.. all the hurt and pain. She also, to a lesser extent, did a lot of self-introspection. We had some deep talks.

 

Now, we decided to meet every Friday. The thing is, it just seems... well... kind of blah now. I can't for the life of me (even though a mere 2 or 3 weeks ago I was in emotional hell) even muster up much emotion anymore for her. I think it's the same for her. It makes me feel sad, though. Being friends just seems so blahs e. This person who I'd shared soooo much with for this huge part of my life.... and now... just nothing. Is this normal? Why can't I muster up feelings for her again? What the hell happened?

 

So confusing. I mean, last time I spoke with her, I was even beginning to feel annoyed with her -- she was displaying her old, typical traits that always made me feel like I was on the defensive. For no reason...

 

It's just so hard to go back and find that part of her that I loved so much. That amazing sweet, "girly girl" that I totally loved and would do anything for. It's like she's a different person now.

 

Ugh. Can you ever rekindle those feelings?? Or after a LTR that goes into an empty stage... does it just die out???

 

A big part of me just feels disappointed that after so many years, we are at a stage where it seems so empty between us.

 

Can anyone relate or have any insight??? It's still at an early stage for us. But it does feel like, after much emotional hell, we are both just so disengaged... and it feels so wrong.

[sand dollar]

Hi,

 

You know sometimes it is necessary for people to split. They may have learned all they can from each other and grown all they can. Instead of feeling sad why not be glad that you met at all and shared things together and celebrate what was good? You should read my post in the personal growth forum. You know as sad as it is eventually we all have to say goodbye. I dont like to,in fact I hate to,but it is necessary. One of the reasons I think I haven't gotten too involved with people in my life is because I get so attached that it becomes too painful a prospect to think of goodbye. People think Im cold,but actually I am so capable of getting attached very quickly that it scares me. So i tend to push people away, not always consciously though.

 

As I mentioned in my post I am having an ongoing problem with a woman in my life. I only posted it here because she is not a member of enotalone and will never see it. The reason I dont want her to see it is she always misunderstands what I write. Or I dont see the impact of what I write till she gets upset and then I have to go back and see where I was insensitive and didnt mean to be. Thats caused us many problems. I speak of her leaving or forgetting about me because we have an unsolvable stalemate. Thats all. Becuase thats how I see and it precludes us moving forward ever. We cant trust each other and are forever stuck. What else can I do but hope we both move on. If she altered certain behavior Id be fine with it,but she wont. Its not that I want her to move on,but if she wont stop hurting me what else can I do?

 

I like her and I think she is a lot of fun and very smart and attractive. She's funny and sweet and charming. But there is one huge problem that blocks things from ever being good again. She wont budge on this and neither will I so we are stuck. I refuse to ask her to stop anymore because it seems like she never will. So I made peace with it. Im not happy or blah about it. I just feel like I have no other choice. If people want to hurt me I cant be their friend. I will never compromise on that. If they want to stop and make amends I wont judge them I will happily start again. Thats the best I can do. I do think, if you read my post you'll see, that this will never be resolveed though. Thats why I have that fatalistic attitue. I hope Im wrong,but thats my feelings now. But I dont blame her anymore. I blame myself. If you read my post you'll see why. Im at peace with things but not happy,but at this stage its just best for me to accept it and I have.

 

But I never meant that to be insulting,although I can see how what I wrote could be. But it was purely unintentional. I'm just burned out to the nth degree and refuse to hope any more. Thats all.

 

I still like her I think she is a very unusual and charming and funny person. She is still extremely attractive and super white hot sexy. So Its not her just her behavior.Its just I can t budge on my position.Im in the right and she knows it I rarely go out of my way to insult people. I think she is the coolest,but she has allowed her self to get too caught up in things and is just as stubborn as I am. We are both extremely stubborn and neither of us will give in or trust each other.Plus its so complicated and messed up . I acted like a moron years ago and ruined any chance of this ever being normal. It is simply an impossible situation,period. I think it makes sense to give up and accept it. . In fact I wish she wasnt so hot,it would make this a lot easier for me!

[MEE123]

Maybe the problem was rooted in the fact that neither of you cared enough to try and resolve these issues before it got really out of hand. If you were bothered by these problems in the first place you should have talked to her about it and the both of you could have tried to fix things. I am so sorry that you have been riding on an emotional rollercoaster, sounds like * * * * , haha. Maybe you just need a break from her? You've gotten so used to her that you can only focus on the small things that bother you, and eventually these "small things" snow ball into these terrible pet peeves/annoyances. The way she raises her eyebrows or the way she breathes too loudly when she sleeps, lol, idk. Random stuff. Maybe you're trying too hard to "muster up" said feelings when they're just not there. Not saying that they can't ever come back, but I don't think trying to force an attraction to surface is going to prevail either. I think maybe you are undervaluing her friendship and maybe just lacking appreciation for life in general. If you have a friend that was worth keeping around, then you should fight for that bond. Maybe you should try to let your guard down a bit, so you don't have to feel defensive or you could just try and talk to her about how she makes you go on the defensive side. Is it really that hard to remember the things you loved about her? What first made you attracted to her? Initially when you first started dating didn't y'all have good times together and go on awesome adventures? She's probably not a different person, but maybe you're finally seeing other facets of her personality that you hadn't realized were there in the first place. There's no one-side in a 3dimensional world, haha. I think it's slightly unrealistic to expect your marriage to be firey the whole way through. There's gonna be dips and time y'all hate eachother, which means a little time a part wont hurt. From what I hear absence does make the heart grow fonder. I think your relationship might be empty because that's all you are willing to see. Maybe your disappointment has led you to lose hope, but I do believe that your feelings for her are there otherwise you wouldn't be posting this. Neither of you really seems to be trying. In general it seems there's a lack of care on both sides of the relationship, so it's just falling flat.

[meoww]

I think you'll be a lot happier with your commitment if you use this time to think about why or why not you want to be with her. Marriage obviously has its drawbacks and it's up to you to consider if the benefits are really worth it to you. My personal view is that the benefits are (probably) priceless, despite it's current status as a social construct. I think many people just assume that they have to do it to be happy and never really choose their own path. So then they feel like they are stuck when in reality, they are totally free to choose how they want to live their lives.

 

Those 9 months must have been incredibly painful, and I think that probably has a lot to do with why you're feeling so worn out. I think it's definitely time to rethink your definition of love. It sounds like your wife is doing that, and realizes it's really not just about the thrill of a new mind or body, as much as that may drive us. Maybe it would help to consider the reality of what life would be like without your wife, you are one of the few people who actually gets an opportunity to make this partnership work with someone you actually really find appealing. My guess is that this is rarer than you think.

[top bloke]

It is what it is unfortunately. A marriage takes two willing people and if one stops then the other is left jaded and empty. The vibrant relationship it once was has been left to go downhill for some reason and so your feelings feel dead. Can it ever be new again? No. Still if both are willing then almost anything can be revived but it depends how bad its gotten and if you really want to

[Crazyaboutdogs]

She started getting interested in some guy at work over the past 9 months. "emotional affair".

 

It is this kind of thing that can cause irreparable damage to a relationship. Cheating. Some people can rekindle the relationship after cheating (even emotional cheating) and others can't. Perhaps it is the cheating which has made you feel so different about her.

[catfeeder]

How long was the marriage and how long were you together before the marriage?

 

I would fully separate for 6 months to learn where to take this. If you're heart isn't in the marriage right now, there's no sense in attempting 'work' on it right now. That doesn't mean you need to head straight for divorce unless one of you gets clarity about wanting that. Meantime, why not use the separation exactly for the reason couples use a separation--not to play friendzies, but to separate.

 

Living solo is how people wind down from a 'union' and try out their own skin in a solo state again. From there you can actually learn where you feel better off. If you meet in 6 months you can both decide whether to seek marriage counseling and attempt to revive the marriage, or whether to make your break permanent. It makes no sense to maintain ties while there is no life force in the thing--that's wheel spinning. Why not propose the separation and see what she says?