help me get through this week....

[tacs1895]

The point of this thread is to help me deal with the specific difficulties that I face this coming week. You can read my background in detail here:

 

 

In summary, I still have strong feelings for my ex, and miss being with her very much. I have not reached any real closure from the breakup, in part due to having no real explanation for what happened. I still have many mixed up feelings of betrayal, trust, low confidence/self-belief, loneliness, although these things are gradually improving. I also have feelings of frustration relating to how things have gone post-breakup. When we split up, we talked a lot about trying to be honest and open about feelings, but while I have made massive efforts in this, I don't feel I've seen it from her. Any kind of meaningful contact has been initiated by me, she hasn't been forthcoming about anything, and her approach has basically been to smile and be friendly, which I find really hard to do myself when there is this big elephant in the room, all the basically unresolved stuff of the breakup.

 

The situation this week is that I'm spending a whole week abroad with a group of about 25 people, including my ex, for a week of music-making, rehearsing, performing, socializing, hanging out and bonding. (God forbid any of those people happen to know about this forum and read this...) The week is both a social and professional development thing. Seeing her is very hard, because it stirs up all those feelings. I have to see her on and off in my usual life, and now I am away for a whole week with her, which is going to be a real challenge. That's why I thought I'd post this thread/diary, to help me get through it hopefully with some support of others on this forum.

 

There are several mutual friends here, but mostly they are closer to her than me (my fault for having relied on her too much for social things while we were together). I would like to hang out with them, but not if she's around at the same time. I don't want to have to avoid her for the whole week, which is impossible anyway and makes me feel bad. I want to be able to engage with the week's events and not hide away, but at the same time it's very hard being around her. I feel sad that we basically have no communication about how the other person is doing. I know that I can't demand that from her, but at the same time, we were close friends before our relationship and when we split up we knew we still cared about each other, and I didn't expect it to reach this point where basically we seem not to able to talk honestly. And at the same time, while I would like to have some of that kind of communication, I don't want to hear too much from her, because I know she has moved on a lot, has made new plans and friends, and those things are also hard for me to hear because I want to be a part of them.

 

I've been here one day, it's been very tricky to see her. We've talked only lightly and very briefly, which is about all I can manage. I feel very frustrated with her, but it will not be constructive to allow that to get in the way of things for this week. And as well as feeling frustrated, I also feel a longing for her which is fuelled by seeing her around throughout the day. This is the third year in a row I've done this course, the previous two years were with her too when we were still together. So there are a lot of memories here too. I'm not over her, and while I know that the relationship we had is finished, there's still a big part of me that would like a second chance.

 

So basically I want to enjoy it and engage with the music and the people, which is why I've come in the first place, I didn't want to miss out on doing those things which are important to me for any longer. I don't want to have to avoid her the whole time. Nor am I comfortable with just casually being around her within a social group, but I will have to be a certain amount of the time. I'll use this thread to vent a bit, explain a few more details, and hopefully some of you can offer some supportive advice. Please keep it positive I do have negative feelings, things like anger and so on, which are justified and I'm not denying them. But I do need to keep them in check for this week, because they won't help matters in this immediate situation. I want to approach it in a kind, understanding way, it will do nothing helpful in the short or long term if I end up feeling angry at her this whole week. I need to find a way to get through it in a positive way. I don't know whether I should try and talk to her about some of this stuff directly, or whether there may be a point where she enquires about it first. Or maybe I just forget about talking about it and just get on with it as best I can.

 

I think this has been quite a rambling post, there's lots more I could say but I can't find a way to do it very succinctly, so think I'll stop here and add some more later. Help me out everyone, help me stay positive and get through this tricky period!

[tacs1895]

So I've made it through today. Hasn't been easy. I have to deal with constantly being around her. We haven't spoken, except a few words to confirm the timetable of the day. When our eyes happen to meet she looks away. I haven't made an effort to engage her in conversation, and she hasn't either. At times I felt relatively ok, and was able to focus on the music that we were doing. Some of the worst parts of today:

- hearing her playing music with a friend which was the kind of thing we used to do together (incidentally a friend who I have a hunch she may end up getting together with at some point... although maybe I'm just being paranoid)

- hearing in passing from someone else about some of what she's been doing, again the kind of thing we might have done together

- seeing her smoking.... for some reason this really got to me.... it's the second time I've seen her with a cigarette on this trip. In all the time I've known her, including as a friend before we got together, she's only over smoked occasionally at times when she's been stressed. She did it when she split up with her previous ex, and then a little bit when we split up. I don't know whether or not she's smoking regularly now or not, or for how long... or maybe it's because she's having a tough time too this week... but how would I know? Don't know why smoking should bug me so much... (well actually, I do know a bit, I've never smoked myself, I dislike it, don't judge others for it, but don't like to see her doing it either.... also the fact that I've never tried drugs before, despite being curious about cannabis, and we talked about trying together some time because she smokes it occasionally... but never got round to it... so I guess the simple thing of seeing her smoking stirs up a few of those feelings)

- having to listen to everyone play a load of music that I didn't know - because of having missed the rehearsals and performances for it because I was trying NC in the aftermath of the breakup - felt left out that I didn't know it, and sad and angry that I'd had to miss it just because of the breakup

- finally lots of people going off to play music at the end of the night, people I like, music I like, but not being able to join in because of my ex being there and I can't face being around her in that kind of situation.... even though that kind of situation is a big part of the reason I'm here in the first place, to socialize and make music.

 

Something good..... spent a long time chatting to a girl who I'd not met before who is here for the week. Found we had quite a bit in common, general outlook on life approach, both psychologically and spiritually. Also both learning to dance tango, which is something I took up after my breakup. Turns out in the end this girl has a boyfriend already, which slightly disappointed me. But I think this is partly a good sign, I have felt recently that I'd be interested in trying to see someone new, if it felt right. I'm not just going to go on any rebound relationship, but I am aware of meeting new people and managing to make a good impression and connection, even if I don't feel very confident deep down. Anyway, this is kind of irrelevant I guess seeing as this girl I chatted to today has a boyfriend, but nonetheless she was cool to chat to and I look forward to hanging out with her this week. I know that I'm not ready for a proper relationship really, but it still feels good to feel some vague sense of connection with a new person.

 

Going to bed soon, hope I can sleep ok. Last night I slept terribly, partly because it's so hot here and because my room mate snores... but mainly because I was so stressed by the end of the day that all I could think about was her. Hopefully by writing all this stuff now I've cleared my head a bit and can sleep ok. Five more days to get through...

[imonlyhuman]

nonchalance. you're the man. good luck buddy.

[tacs1895]

Well, I'm hanging in there. Got through yesterday. There was a moment when I was sitting under a tree on my own and she walked past and smiled, I just smiled faintly back and then looked away. Wondered after if perhaps I should have invited her to come sit down. Don't really know what I'd have said if she had though. I feel like I want to talk to her, to clear the awkwardness around us. Yesterday night I spent the evening hanging out with the same new girl I mentioned above, plus a couple of others, had a nice time and got quite drunk. As soon as I went to bed though, I realised that everyone else on the course, including my ex, had all been hanging out together and playing music til late into the night and I felt sad for feeling left out. I'd had a nice evening, but in a way it was only a distraction, it wasn't what I most wanted to be doing. I did at least manage to sleep for five straight hours, which was better than the previous couple of nights when I barely slept at all.

 

This morning I went for an early swim before anyone else was up. Walking back accross the courtyard afterwards, I looked up and saw my ex on her balcony looking down at me. She waved and I smiled back. Then just now over breakfast she came up to give me a group birthday card to sign for one of the other people on the course, but after she went to sit with other people to eat. I'm not reading anything into the little smiles and waves, she's just trying to be friendly and nothing more. They feel nice, and I prefer a bit of that to feeling tension between us, but they also make me feel sad because they just remind me of the connection we had which I miss so much. Today I don't really feel much frustration towards her, I just feel an aching longing for her.

 

Just about to start our first rehearsal of the day together.

[tacs1895]

Quite a tough day. The trend has continued of feeling less frustration towards her and just a longing for her. Because deep down this is of course someone who I do like very much indeed. The morning was basically ok, but the day became more intense as it went on.

 

In the afternoon, we rehearsed a piece of music which was written by me. It was based on a poem which meant a lot to both of us. I actually wrote it a couple of years ago, while we were still together, and it was written very much with her in mind. However, I never told her I'd written it, because I wanted it to be some kind of surprise. And then in the end, I never had it performed, because of my own self confidence issues about whether it was any good... So a positive thing of today was that I finally got it out and had it played, and it went well... but also a melancholic feeling caused by the fact that I associate that piece very much with her, and yet she doesn't realise that it was for her, because I never told her... I now feel that maybe I should explain that very briefly to her, just so she knows. Or maybe that's not a good idea, I don't know. She did take the trouble later on to compliment me on the piece, but didn't make any mention of the poetry, even though I know the significance of it will not have been lost on her.

 

I think this experience of playing this piece had more of an effect on me than I realised, perhaps combined with the cumulative stress of this week, because at supper time I got quite drunk and ended up going to my room and sobbing for about half an hour. Then I went for a walk and called home to a friend and had a long chat about everything, which was helpful. I came back to find my ex playing some music with a bunch of people, and experienced that same feeling of being left out and excluded from things - particularly because the music they were playing was stuff she had learned from me!! and then taught to the others... so that was a hard feeling.

 

Generally this whole experience of music making is quite hard going, because music is such an emotional thing... which is one of the reasons for doing it... but also means in a situation such as this where I am very emotionally anxious, it hits a few nerves and causes very strong feelings which are hard to deal with....

 

Also, my last sight of her this evening was of her smoking again... bugs me in a hard way... hmm... because of the things I've mentioned above... maybe also because it makes her seem like very different person from the one who I was with....

 

Ultimately, I have no way of truly knowing what she's thinking, or how she is... (unless one or other of us is to initiate some communication... and realistically it seems like that would have to be me...)

 

Tomorrow? More of the same, I expect. Maybe I will find a way just to let her know that the piece was for her, even if it seems largely irrelevant now. And otherwise I'll just keep trying to get on with it, I guess. Three more full days to go, and then a long journey home. (And then I can have a big ramble at my therapist, ha ha.)

 

(Is anyone reading this??? I don't mind if not, it's good for me to write it just to get it out of my system... But advice/support still really appreciated...)

[Silverbirch]

Hi,

Just to say that my thoughts are with you. Sounds like a very difficult thing to do - I know I couldn't cope with being around my ex as much as you are right now. I suppose it's largely to do with allowing time to pass so you can heal. I don't believe that being around her is a good idea for you.

[rapunzel]

I am in a band with my ex. You are in a tough spot, I completely understand. Look, I am proof that you CAN persevere in music with your ex there but it's not easy - not one bit. I have suffered greatly - for the music, for the experience, for the camaraderie with the other musicians. It's a trade off because the one thing you need - No Contact - you cannot get as long as you are musically involved with the ex. The cold hard facts are that she is not thinking of you in the same way, and trust me, she won't as long as she has you in her sights. I'm sorry for what you are going through. I cried for two years and I've laid the groundwork for leaving the group at the end of this year. It makes me very sad but it has to be done so I can move on and create a space for new love to come into my life. Hang in there but realize that all of your thoughts of longing, wondering, thinking - while universal, we all experience this when the object of our affection doesn't want us - will likely not amount to a hill of beans while you are still in contact.

 

Hang in there but realize that the only way you will get her attention is: a) disappearing. b) falling in love with someone else. I don't know how old you are but is it possible to disengage from this group and try to find another group of musicians? You may be young enough to consider moving to another place/city? Music is everywhere....

 

While around her, nonchalance is your friend. NEVER initiate a conversation where you confess feelings or try to communicate stuff you've been thinking about. BAD IDEA. Trust me on this one. Act breezy, cool, disinterested - yes, a game, but one you must play to preserve yourself and your sanity.

 

And her smoking, yuk. That would totally turn me off!

[tacs1895]

I know that seeing her this much is unhelpful. But I thought about this a lot, and I reached the conclusion that I still have to do the things I want to do. As hard as this week is, I don't regret being here, because there is other stuff that I'm getting from it which is invaluable to me, and indeed helps with my healing. It's not always going to be as continuous and intense as this. Once I've got through this week, then getting through a normal two hour rehearsal with her back home will be relatively easy.

 

Rapunzel - something like moving city is too drastic an option for me, in my opinion. It would mean sacrificing too much of my life, it would feel like just running away from everything, when instead I believe it will be possible eventually to find acceptance, and it would also be giving to much power to my ex, to change everything just because of her. So I don't want to do something like that. However, I hear where you're coming from (I've read several of your posts because our situations are similar both being musicians) - maybe my opinion will change at some point and I will come to agree with you and think it's what I should have done all along, or maybe it will just be that I find another way to deal with it that works better for me. But I can completely imagine what you've been through and see that you're doing what's best for you, and I wish you luck.

[Oneironaut]

I feel for you...I've had situations where I had to be around exes, and it was painful...at first. The human brain has a tendency to become numb to a stimulus that is applied over and over...it is entirely possible that being around her so much will actually numb you to the pain.

 

And it sounds like you're at least seeing the positive in the situation, that there are other things here which are invaluable to you. That's the spirit of being positive, and seeing the silver lining to this cloud...keep it up, and it becomes habit after a while.

 

Stay strong, you can make it through this, and come out better on the other side!

[lemsip]

Man I feel for you, it must be mega tough. I got a short, simple email from my ex about logistical stuff yesterday and it set me back. I can only imagine what hanging out with her must be like. Stay strong.

[rapunzel]

The reasons you list for not moving and not leaving your music group are quite valid and I did not leave my group for the same reasons. Like you, I did not want to give that much power to my ex, that I would quit something I enjoyed, that involved several other people/friends besides him, that furthered my career. So I stayed. I think I made the right decision to stay and I did have some great experiences with the group but it has not been easy. I'll admit it's been rough being around him, watching him bring a couple of different women around to our shows in the last two years. We have 4 shows scheduled through the end of the year and each time I have to prepare myself for the possibility that he might have a new girlfriend. Hopefully you will be able to reach acceptance about your situation. Maybe you'll meet someone else which really does change your perspective about your ex (as in, you just don't care about her anymore!)

 

I'm older and it's difficult to meet people at my age, so I have been alone since we broke up. I have had a few dates here and there and some guys have pursued me but no one that interested me. At this time I have other valid reasons for leaving the group now so it's not just about HIM but I am looking forward to having full No Contact from him, although I will certainly miss the group. Sometimes we are faced with difficult decisions in life, that's for sure!

[tacs1895]

Hey Rapunzel. I get where you're coming from. I guess everyone's situation is different, but I do empathize with you because of our shared connection to music. We both know that it's so much more than just a job, it's such a mixture of work and play and everything.... I can totally imagine what you've been through, and my experience may well turn out to be similar. But who knows.... You (and me and everyone) just have to do what you feel is best at the time, and I wish you the best.

 

Update for today... hard to start with, strong feelings once again of longing for her and wanting her. Found it hard to concentrate in rehearsal. We also had a gig this evening, which included playing the piece that I had written. I decided to tell her about it having been basically written for her. So shortly before the performance, I found a moment to catch her and just said that I wanted her to know that it was written a couple of years ago and was written for her, and also said that I'd never had it played because of not thinking it was any good. She said she'd wondered about it and that she'd never know I'd written it, but also that she thought it was a lovely piece, and that I should keep composing more. And then there was a brief silence which to me felt awkward but also kind. I felt sad, and had a strong feeling of longing for her (even the feeling of touching her on the arm, in order to catch her to talk, provoked a strong feeling). Yet as well as feeling sad, I also felt glad to have told her. Because she is very much part of that piece of music that I wrote, and felt right that she should know. She smiled and went off, and I felt glad for having told her, and yet also that while she was happy to have heard what I said, she was also ok about hearing it, in that she then seemed just to go off and continue being as happy as she has been all week. It didn't seem to affect her that much, which I wasn't offended by or anything, but took as yet another sign of how she's completely moved on.

 

And then, only a few minutes later, just as we were preparing to go on for the gig, I saw her hugging her friend, and wiping her eyes from crying. That was a funny feeling. I hadn't wanted upset her, I'd just wanted her to know that the music was for her. And yet in a way it was somehow reassuring to see that she still felt something. I knew that I shouldn't read anything into it - for all I know she was tearful about something completely separate, but it would be a funny coincidence. So I think that telling her that the piece was for her did actually affect her a little. I'm not foolish enough to start trying to find meaning in that that isn't there. But like I said, it did in some way make me feel slightly better to see that she was feeling something (although I don't want that to come out sounding like there was any pleasure in seeing her upset, that certainly wasn't my aim or desire). And it also increased my feelings of wanting to be able to share with her, to encourage openness. Because I have no idea of knowing exactly what that little episode was about, and it only increased my impression that there is stuff that we might be able to talk about, in the spirit of being open and caring about each other. We performed the piece, and it went well, and at the end of it we glanced at each other, and her look was kind and sad and happy. For the rest of the day I didn't feel so anxious or tense. (And in addition to the stuff about her and the piece, I got lots of nice comments about the piece, and people asking if they could have the music so they could play it, so that was nice.)

 

After the gig, everyone went back to the house for supper, and I found some time to hang out with some other friends without her around, which was nice. Then after supper, there was a showing of a DVD of a performance of the band that had happened several months ago - a performance which I had reluctantly missed because it was very soon after the breakup and so I'd decided to take time off from the band (in order to have NC, or whatever you want to call it). Since missing that performance, I've always felt some sadness and regret at having had to miss it, and I was worried about seeing the dvd. However, in the end I think it was actually a good thing to watch it, it gave me a bit of mini-closure for that specific thing, it wasn't that hard for to watch it and I'm glad I saw it. The only uncomfortable moment was at the beginning where my ex was featured heavily - she sounded beautiful as she sang and looked wonderful too. And yet my feeling was a mixture of wistfulness, but also happiness for her for performing so well, because she sounded great. Haven't had any exchanges with her since the gig (did see her smoking again though...) and having watched that dvd I feel better about it than I thought I would. And am about to go to bed now feeling a bit calmer (relatively speaking).

 

(edit: I wrote this post several hours ago, but didn't press submit... I'm not going to bed at 7am! Anyway, have now slept not too bad for a few hours so up and about again now...)

 

also wanted to say thanks to oneironaut and lemsip for those kind words.

[tacs1895]

Another day over... went ok, but ended feeling pretty bad. Had our normal sequence of rehearsals and such. No exchanges with my ex to speak of. I thought that she was looking quite tired and down today, but of that's not necessarily anything to do with me. I spent quite a lot of time today with the new girl that I've mentioned earlier, she and I and one other guy went to a local wine tasting thing and came back late for supper with everyone and a bit drunk. Happened to catch my ex looking at me and she looked straight away. In general today, I'd felt a bit more numb about it all. It seemed (although of course I could be imagining it) that my ex was a bit uncomfortable with seeing me hanging out with this other girl. In a way that made me feel better, although I don't like saying that.

 

After supper, we all went to a nearby bar to play music for the locals. This was fun to start with, and I was enjoying being with everyone even though my ex was around. But as the night went on (and I guess I had a bit more to drink and got a bit more tired), my feelings changed a bit. Towards the end of the night she ended up playing a load of songs accross the room from me with some of the others, the kind of things we used to do together. And she seemed much happier and lively than she had done throughout the day. Which left me with my usual feelings of feeling left out, and cut off from her and so on.

 

I've no idea what her feelings really were throughout the day, but I'm not completely imagining things, she certainly looked less happy during the day, and then happier during the time at the bar. And it seems that my feelings were affected by that - seeing her looking not quite herself seemed to make me feel a bit better, because I made me think that in some way she was perhaps thinking about me and perhaps had been affected a bit by me telling her about my piece yesterday (we've barely exchanged a word since then) and there is a part of me that still wants to believe that if she still has strong feelings about us in some way then maybe there is still a chance for us; and then seeing her looking happy made me feel down again for all the opposite reasons, because I felt I wasn't a part of her happiness. I realise that a lot of this is so speculative, I've no idea what she really is thinking (which of course leads me back to that desire for some openness from her). Nor do I like the idea that her behaviour affects my own feelings so much - I want my own mood to be independent of how she is. And I don't like thinking that her feeling bad (because of seeing me with this other girl, if this did indeed make her feel bad) is a way of making me feel good. I certainly don't want to set out to make her feel bad just to feel better for myself, that's not an approach I like.

 

So all in all, a relatively uneventful day, certainly didn't have to deal with anything like yesterday (performing my piece and telling her it was written for her). The numbness I felt some of during the daytime is, I guess, a sign of progress, even if the numbness in itself is not a particularly enjoyable thing, at least it is an indication of how I can at least cope with being around her. But have ended the day still in the same place of feeling frustration at her lack of openness, combined with sadness at pining for that closeness that I once had with her, and the chance to share in things with her.

 

One more day to go. I'm leaving here very early on Saturday morning, so my goodbyes will be said tomorrow night, to everyone including her. We have normal day of rehearsals plus a concert in the evening. Nearly there. Feels weird. As intense as this all has been, there's a part of me that almost doesn't want to go, because despite any lack of real communication between us, I still feel this week has offered some insights into things... even if those insights are not entirely clear... but it feels like there have been meaningful events of one kind or another, which is basically a good feeling...

[tacs1895]

Last day nearly over. Basically more of the same.... I'm tired and sad. I suddenly like basically nothing's changed. Having a few negative thoughts, same frustrations and anger as before I came her. Have managed to keep them in check for most of the week, but now as I prepare to leave, I feel like I'm just back to the same. Maybe because this week has been in it's own little world a bit, but once I get home it's back to the same old thing as before, nothing's really changed. I thought this might have been a time where we would have ended up having a bit of a chat, but it hasn't happened. Back to wondering whether I should ask her to try to talk (I mean not right now, but some time when we're back) and the same frustration at her lack of openness. There's a couple of hours left of the evening, people will be hanging out and drinking til late but I'll have an early night because me and one other friend are leaving very early in the morning. So I'll say my goodbyes tonight. She'll just hug me and smile and say "see you soon", and it'll just be the same feeling at being annoyed at her for dealing with things by just putting on this surface appearance of everything being ok with us, when it's not, and she's just leaving it to me get over it with out any kind of real communication - which is a reasonable position for her to take if she so chooses, but it's not going to result in any kind of close friendship, and while I will get over my frustrations, my opinions won't actually change, and all that we'll ever have is the same basic cordial friendliness. I want her to open up, she's been so emotionally hidden since we've split up, which is both very like her but also very against her feelings about how to live life. I can only invite her to talk (I might even suggest tonight that we meet up some time back home, but more likely I think I won't). And if she's not willing to, or doesn't feel able to, I can only accept her position and leave her be.

[tacs1895]

So to cap off the end of that night, I spent a few hours chatting with people but inside feeling not great. When it was time to go, went round saying goodbye to people. She was with a group of people sitting round a table and she was sitting on the far side - so I thought I could just say a collective goodbye to everyone and avoid any awkwardness, but as it was she actually got up and made a point of coming to say goodbye. She hugged me, and as she did she said "thanks for coming". It was a gesture of kindness, and I what I inferred from it was "I know it's been hard for you". I said back "Let's talk soon", by which I wanted to imply a proper chat some time, but I slightly choked my words I think it may have come out more as just a casual "talk soon" than anything else. And I didn't really read anything in her face about whether she had understood me, because in my anxiety I looked away quite quickly. I did goodbye hugs with everyone else, and went to my room. Cried a bit, and talked about it with my room mate who is a good friend and has been supportive all week. Slept badly, then got up with my friend and we drove home (730 miles, 15 hours). And now I'm back.

 

So that was the week. Exhausted. Being that anxious and wound up in various ways all week was so draining. Mentally drained from thinking about it all so much. Physically tired from the lack of sleep and the actual physical tension in my body. As well as tiredness from all the good things, all the intense musical rehearsing and performing, plus the socializing and drinking too. I don't regret going. There were enough positive things that happened that made it the right thing to do. And having got through it, then the prospect of normally weekly three hour rehearsals isn't so bad. But I'm still very sad, part of me had hoped that spending so much time around each other would have been conducive to a bit more communication, but it hasn't really worked out that way. I still have no real idea of what she thinks, feels. I'm craving that communication because I think it could help me with my situation now, but I also admit because it's just from missing her. I'm now back home, back to my normal situation of rebuilding my life and regaining my confidence and adjusting to life without her. I wish there was something I could do. It's such a painfully slow process.

 

Anyway. I got to the end of the week.