Found a reason to be alive...but what now?

[Deacon Tagnarr]

Alright. I know this is probably a classic situation to most of you but please, please hear me out.

 

I'm a tall skinny weedy 17 year old and have absolutely NO experience whatsoever when talking to girls. Or people for that matter. I've been an outcast all my life. I stumble and stutter when speaking to anyone in everyday conversation, let alone girls. I feel inferior to people somehow, like they're better than me, like I'm stupid, and they know it. And it gets to a point where I just can't think of anything else worthwhile to talk about. I've never been to a party in my life, nor do I have any female friends. I'm about the No. 1 most confidence-lacking person in my school. If you did a tally of the number of words spoken by each person since they arrived at my high school, I would be at the very bottom of the list.

 

That isn't to say, however, that I'm not interested in girls. For about the last year now I have had a huge crush on a girl in the year level below me. I just can't stop thinking about her. She has... I don't know, a sense of allure about her. But I think she's fairly shy and she always goes around with a loyal buddy so whenever I go to approach her I always end up changing my mind and running away before I get within five metres. She's probably seen me hanging around in the distance and is wondering what the heck is going on. It probably sounds really superficial but I have been really physically attracted to a few girls before and it feels different this time, like I could have found a kindred spirit. There's a whole new level to it; when I think about her the sky seems bluer, the stars seem brighter... well, you know the rest. Enough said.

 

I have told NO-ONE about the way I feel about her. I've bared my soul a few times before in the past and been slammed into the dirt as a result. Won't be making that mistake again. I desperately want to speak to her, to get to know her, see if she could be this kindred spirit I seek. The thing is, in our school everything is very divided, each year level socializes only among each other. People between grades rarely communicate and as a result I've never even spoken to this girl, nor do I share any classes with her. I have no links to her whatsoever.

 

I guess what I'm really trying to ask is how do you ask a girl out when you have absolutely nothing to go on, no-one to talk to and no "square one" to start at.

 

Maybe I'm just an idiot. Maybe I'm setting myself on a one-way trip to being humiliated publicly(again). But in the meantime, a bit of help for a poor baffled loser would be much appreciated.

[TOA]

Well firstly Deacon, you seem to pick your weakness' pretty well - "lacking confidence" so if they are - then why not work on them?

 

Have you ever gone to a bar with friends, done anything where you may be able to have 1 or 2 drinks and relax, then hit the dance floor!

 

As for this girl being your "kindred spirit" hey that's great IF SHE IS.. but keep in mind, that AINT the thing a girl wants to hear when she first meets you, that you think she is "the 1" or that you two could have "a long term relationship".. play it cool buddy - that doesn't mean change who you are, it means - what kinda guy are you going to be if you hit on a girl, but immediately become her biatch? What makes her so good that you're the one who has to play second fidle?

 

One other thing to consider is, what are you going to talk to her about when you do speak to her? Is there a party coming up? A movie you want to see? Start a conversation with her while her friend is there, you never know what will happen - just be yourself and ask her "hey have you seen this movie or heard about this movie? How would you like to go see it?" So what if you bomb out dude, there is plenty more out there - I asked a girl out I thought was so hot on the train one day, I simply asked her to a band night, then she stood back a bit so I simply offered my mobile phone number and said "hey, think about it - no pressure, if you're interested send me a txt message or something".. later that day I found out she has a boyfriend anyway but we're now great friends!

 

Just have a go mate, send me a pm if you want some more advice!

[SomeGuy112]

Hey man I have felt the same before. The first thing you need to realize is that you will NOT be publicly humiliated. Sure she may put you down but honestly people get put down all the time and no offense but, the average person walking down the street (or hallway) isn't really going to care enough that you got let down (if they even notice) to make a difference. About the only way I can think of for you to be publicly humiliated is for her to stand up on a lunchroom table and shout that you are a geek and she will not go out with you, although she would probably humiliate herself then.

 

Second of all, if you school is really that devided, and you don't normally talk a lot, I don't suggest just walking right up to her. What you need to do is find out something about her. Some sport she does, some place she hangs out at, or even someone that you both already know. Make that be your hookup point. Then when you get to her through whatever, you can talk about it.

 

Example...

coffee shop she goes too: "Hey I recognize you from school...."

sport she plays: "How long have you been playing...."

mutual friend: "How did you get to know so-and-so...."

 

Or you can always think of someting really different and cool to say. If you can that is great, it will be even better.

 

 

And finally, what you really need to adress is your self esteem. It is hard for me to help you here because I have self esteem issues of my own, but I can honestly tell you we are not inferior, we are just self-conscious. All you really need to do to get friends is not slouch and keep a smile on. Hey some people like the quiet type. Find some common interests with people and play on them. That goes for girls and boys.

 

 

I wish you luck!

[Deacon Tagnarr]

Thanks for the advice guys. Sorry if I made things sound a little melodramatic but it's the way I feel. I found out there IS a sport we both play (although she is like in a completely different, i.e. better, league than me at it from what I have heard). I guess that could be some sort of starting point, I dunno.

[Bjourne]

Don't make her lose your cool! Girls do not like guys that seem to obsessed in them and you really seem to obsessed in her. I'm sorry but if you've been looking at her alot without saying anything it is very possible she will think you are just creepy.

 

Your letter seemed kinda depressing "found a reason to be alive..", "a poor baffled looser".. That's the thing you gotta get right first. Learn to love yourself or atleast respect yourself, otherwise the girls will feel that you are not comfortable with yourself and will not feel comfortable with you. Then get some friends, friends are good and gettings friends is like getting girls but a little bit easier. Then talk to your momma (seriously!) she will help.

[warnerbro1]

I'm sorry but if you've been looking at her alot without saying anything it is very possible she will think you are just creepy.

 

Bjourne, I'm glad you brought this up. I have been dealing with the same self-esteem/confidence and extreme shyness problems also. I'm starting to think why I started creeping this girl out from my math class last quarter(spring). I think if you stare at them and don't say anything the whole quarter, not even other classmates, that kinda freeks 'em out. On the last day for finals, she came in late. We were all sitting in the front row taking our tests. I had one guy to the right of me, an empty seat to my left, and the rest of the people were to the left of that. Obviously, she came in, she saw that everybody was sitting in the front so they could take the test and get outta there. She started like stuttering in her steps cuz she didn't want to sit next to the weirdo, but she didn't want to look dumb by walking past the seat in front and sitting behind everyone. So she decided to sit in the desk next to mine, she was clearly nervous or creeped out or something along those lines.

 

The funny thing is that this girl has kinda the same interests as I do. I could keep going. But obviously what I'm realizing is that I need to start up conversations with people so they realize I'm just a regular dude. I hate social anixety.

[MMJA]

ok what you need to do is to actually go up to her and talk to her, and avoid looking down at your toes or erring and umming. Those things just show that you are not confident and they will be turned off. It also shows that you don't talk to girls often since you are nervous when you are talking to one, that's also a turn off. Approach her like you would approach your mate, and be cheerful and casual. Talk to her about stuff you both do, or something both of you just did (like that test for example). But always remember be casual and act as if you are talking to one of your mates instead of a stranger. Confidence is the key! I wish you luck.