Feeling like a complete insecure loser--ramblings and sad writings

[MEE123]

I feel so worthless. I know that "I have value," but still I feel as if I am a waste of space. I got dumped last year in July, which totally sucked; it was the first time I'd ever been dumped. I guess when it first happened I was shocked, then I tried to gain strength and momentum from it, but now I feel like I've been sucked into this vortex of failure, and tbh I'm pretty sure I'm plummeting into depression. I've been depressed before and I usually tend to fall in and out of it. This time around it's one of those depressions where you don't really care that your depressed, but you know you are and you almost enjoy its dreary company. You almost encourage its growth by being lazy and isolating yourself from humanity. What's worse is that my family really isn't that supportive and I lost all my friends from highschool, so I'm really quite the loner, which is okay. I've accepted this as a part of myself. Tbh, I enjoy being alone because I've learned you can't really trust anyone in this world, which sounds sad, but really isn't something to pity me for or anything-- loneliness is my comfort zone. Outside of this "zone" there's simply a lot of shallow people who I'd rather not be surrounded by, who lack depth. At first, when I encountered these humans I was confused by the way they were because it contradicted all the goodness I had perceived in them, and don't get me wrong, not all these fake people are out to get you, lol. Either way, once they got around to hurting me in one way or another, I retreated and mulled over my thoughts; it seemed almost impossible for me to understand how distrustful and fake someone could really be, and more so, why would they want to be this way? I hated these fake people I called my "friends," then I hated humanity, but now I see that some people just have these natural inclinations to be "on the surface" and it's almost an inherent trait that I learned to accept. I learned to enjoy what these fake people have to offer-- they really can be lively people, whom are great to keep around to have fun, but watch what info you share with them-- as opposed to being disappointed in what they lack in human character. Some of them can barely understand what it is that makes them fake; they are blind and do not see the damage they doo, while others relish in the fact that they are as real as 3dollar bills, heh, and enjoy living their lives this way. I knew one girl who boasted about her two-facedness and claimed that, "a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do," lol; she really didn't try to hide herself; she was as transparent to me as to the next person. So, here I am.. a free-floater, stuck in-between all these other personalities.. I am a genuine person, which sucks, at times, because it's a lonely world, but at the same time I've become more aware of my surroundings as well as people's true motives. I can see right through some people, and I just love their shocked expressions. Trust no-one. Unless of course you enjoy living your life in constant drama, gossip and fakeness. Then, carry-on, lol. Anyways... sorry I droned on about that for a bit... Okay, so back to me being a LOSER, haha. My ex dumped me and three months after out two-yr on-off relationship he hooks up with another chick. He flirts with me, but I am platonic in all my responses. I don't want him back, not even now. I guess the reason I mention him is because when I look at his life and compare it to mine, I feel so lame. He's got a job, a gf, tons of friends.. he's one of those fake ppl, boo. (And I'm not saying just because you have friends you're fake 'cause I know some people who are loners with plenty of friends who are are not fake.) Okay, so for me after that break-up life really did go down-hill. He really crushed me. In fact, my heart is still pretty crushed and it's been just about a year. I haven't dated or had sex with anyone else, and honestly don't feel ready yet. I can't seem to find a job, despite my two weeks of applying and interviews. I am single as * * * * , lol. My family hates me. My parents constantly taunt me and my sisters are jealous of me. I promise I'm not conceited; they really are and it's not fun to be around them. I constantly have to deal with their mean-heartedness. You can see it in their eyes sometimes too, which sucks because there was a point when I was close with them. I do not speak with my family. All my interactions are very flat and they do not know details. I cannot trust them nor do they support me or at least as of lately they have refused to do so. This is probably the most I've told/written to anyone in the past two months. I have a few friends that I talk to, but they mostly contact me to tell me their problems, and very rarely do I open up to tell them things about my life, and if I do it's never something important. I sometimes feel as though the people that were once close to me think I'm a sad person, who lost all her friends and cannot support herself... I feel like my ex laughs at me. He used to speak about me behind my back to his friends. I feel like our entire relationship was a joke and I was the punchline. Like my entire life I've been put here to be mocked and ridiculed.. Ik this isn't true entirely because I'm sure if I was mocked or made a fool of, it was none other than my own fault. I am a foo under the sun and I'm okay with that. I know I'm here to learn lessons and one has to start somewhere.. I just look at everyone else and their lives.. and they seem far better off than me. I feel like if I ever bumped into my ex and his beautiful blond babe I would just want to run away in shame because I'm a loser, loser, loser. I guess I really just came on here to pity myself, eh. I need to shift my weight and instead of worrying my thoughts with my ex, focus on attaining my goals. I am open to hearing your thoughts.

[Someday_Soon]

I can relate to how you feel in regard to lack of depth you find in society. I hope you do eventually find people you truly connect with, because that is what seems to make life worth living, I think. But stop looking at yourself as a loser. In the long run that's going to be very damaging. In order to grow you're going to have to start loving yourself at some point.

[Melodi]

I hope dumping all your feelings will make you feel a tad better. Take a little break, and just don't over think too much. Right now, you're in quicksand, the more you struggle that more it will pull you down. It's okay to think that some people are fakers, but remember they are faking because they want to be accepted to society. And that's something we can all relate too. Yeah, just don't think too much otherwise you'll go into how we live in corrupted society...etc. It's a downward spiral.

[meoww]

This is kind of random, but I encourage you to travel!

 

Go somewhere completely different, by yourself, even if it's only for 2 weeks or something. It doesn't have to be related to work or education, but try to really have a different experience where you really immerse yourself in something totally new.

 

I know it won't cure you or anything, but I really think continuing to try new things is one of the only ways to combat this type of lack of fulfillment. If you can't get out the country right now, I really think you should seek an experience that exposes you to new kinds of people,skills, etc. It might not feel productive at first but I think as you accumulate new experiences a new perspective will surely follow.

[MEE123]

Thanks for the responses. And as far as traveling, I can assure that being pushed even further out of my comfort zone is the last thing I need right now, lol. I actually just got back from a trip to Europe. Thanks for the thought though.. the trip was pretty awesome while it lasted.