Help me with a message :/

[dark angel9]

My boyfriend of 6 months is away overseas. His communication was good to start with but has now faded into nothing. I haven't heard from him in 3 days, not even a single text. Before that, I was doing almost all the initiating so I thought that I will let him do it and this is what happens.

 

I am not impressed with this, especially since he knows that I wanted every day communication. Since he has never been like this before, I worry that it means that he is thinking of breaking up. He could have also met someone else.

 

I want to gauge this with a message. I don't want to send him a small talk text as it will tell me nothing. Should I send "Why haven't you been in touch?" but that sounds too accusatory.

 

Any ideas?

[myhonestanswer]

In my opinion, there is no need to gauge it with a message. You can already gauge his level of interest by his lack of messages, unfortunately.

 

Or he might just be really busy. But, in my experience, people who are really into each other, make time for each other, no matter what.

 

When you say he is overseas, is he travelling? Just wondering if he might be in an area with no coverage. Or he could have run out of credit on his phone.

 

Either way - there might be a simple explanation. But it's worrying that you immediately jump to the conclusion that he is going to dump you, or has met someone else.

[dark angel9]

Yes you are right. It just means that he is not into me. I know that he is an area with good coverage - he is not traveling around but is staying at one place. He is also not that busy (I never really believe that people are that busy) - he is updating his Facebook.

 

Only two weeks ago, he was telling me that I am the love of his life and talking about moving in together. Things were quite serious with us. I just don't understand what happened for him to distance himself so much.

[myhonestanswer]

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. He might just be having a really exciting time overseas, and have had his eyes opened to all kinds of different experiences. Maybe he's realised how much is out there in the world, and the idea of settling down suddenly doesn't seem so appealing.

[dark angel9]

I mean, yes obviously something is wrong. All through our relatinoship, we have been in lot of contact. This is really off. It's not so much to see if there is something wrong but to speed up the break up process. If he has decided to break up with me for whatever reason, I want to know now. I know that he has a big thing for breaking up in person so he could be possibly waiting to get back to do it. I don't want to spend the next two weeks trying to guess what's wrong.

[myhonestanswer]

Oh ok.

 

I'd ask him to call, or you call him, and say that you feel something's changed, and you'd like him to be honest, even though you're on the phone. I think doing all this by text could be really tricky. You can use Skype even if he hasn't got it - it's still much cheaper for calling cell phones overseas, you just pre-pay credit on it first.

 

Just be blunt - say if his feelings have changed towards you you'd like to know.

[Kitkat973]

Hm. I'd personally send a short and casual text along the lines of "Haven't heard from you much lately. Everything okay?" and then judge from there based on his response or lack thereof. Don't jump to conclusions or respond to your conclusions without talking to him first.

[magnoliatree]

Why is he overseas? Is it a vacation? How long will he be gone?

[Point5]

if he's on vacation than let me tell you from experience to just leave him alone. My boyfriend went on vacation to Europe for 2.5 weeks and I am ashamed at how I reacted. I would get mad at him for not talking to me, than it dawned on me... he's a firefighter thats visiting his homeland: leave him alone, lol. I'm like embarrassed at how I acted the first week he was there. Than I knocked some sense into myself after I saw I was stressing both of us out and I left him alone. Things became much better even though we didn't talk as much anymore because I let him do the initiating (whenever he wasn't busy with family and friends and such). But when we did talk, it didn't seem forced, even on my end. Leave him alone, let him spend his time out there doing what he wants. When he comes back, than you can talk to him about his trip

[dark angel9]

Things have gotten worse and I don't know what to do. I am trying to keep myself occupied but...I stopped initiating contact all together. He has sent me 1 text more than a day ago, saying nothing much but he did call me "my love" in it. I responded and he didn't respond back... To make things worse, I saw him online on skype later that day and I video-called him. He seemed like he didn't want to talk to me. He talked about the weather and then said he had to go after few minutes. This is pretty much only contact I had with him this week

 

The trip is for 2 more weeks. I am not sure what to do at this point but he is the type to always keep in contact so something is not right. My options are:

 

a) Do nothing. Let him initiate everything and basically squash down my anxieties for the next 2 weeks (easier said than done)

b) Text him something like "You haven't been in touch much..is everything OK?"

c) Text him casual stuff like "Hey honey. Missing you." just to keep the contact going

 

At this stage, I feel like he is planning on dumping me when he gets back. He is probably waiting to do it in person

I almost wonder if I should start dating already. I mean the writing is on the wall....

[Ariel85]

I think your intuition is probably correct. If he has time to be on facebook and skype, and isn't contacting you, then yeah, he's doing the fade out.

 

OR, maybe he really does like you, but your attention demands are too great, so he's trying to reset things to a more normal level.

[dark angel9]

Thanks Ariel. Yes, I very much feel like he is doing the fade out. The problem with it is that I will probably need 2 more weeks to know 100%.

 

I wish he would just tell me that his feelings have changed right now so that I can start moving on. I am hesitant to ask him directly because I don't want to cause drama or stress him out on the slim chance that I am wrong

[dark angel9]

OK - I asked him. I texted him this: "Hey, I haven't heard from you much lately so I can't help but wonder, is something wrong? Please be honest, it's hard for me to guess

 

 

Him: "NO there is no problem. I am going from relatives to relatives all day. My mum and dad have arrived few days ago and I think I am slowly going crazy I am truly SORRY for not keeping in touch more. I do understand where you are coming from - I did neglect you a bit but not on purpose. I am moving to another apartment tomorrow with internet connection and Skype so we can chat every day. I MISS YOU SO MUCH MY BEAUTIFUL GIRL. I love you and I want to hug you and I can't wait to see you. I have told all relatives about you and they want to meet you next year! Kiss"

 

Does this sound like BS or is it legit?

[sara-pezzini]

you are wayyy to insecure here, he is visiting his family...how long since he has seen them? he did invite you to go with him on this trip but it was already planned before you two met, right? let him enjoy his time with his family anf friends and don't act too clingy, cause that will put him off, the message he send you sounds genuine...try to relax and be happy for him that he is with his family again, 2 more weeks isn't all that long, try being in a LDR!! you got your answer now, so don't doubt it and focus on other things, he will be back! but if you keep being so insecure you only make it harder on yourself and ultimately on him as well.....his message is sweet, so don't doubt it or see things that aren't there.......because that behavior might drive him away....try and do fun things with friends in the meantime, send him the occasional text about casual or fun things.....and hang in for two more weeks

[Ms Darcy]

DO NOT INITIATE ANYMORE. You have asked. He has responded. Let him be the one to follow-up.

[Ariel85]

Does this sound like BS or is it legit?

 

A little BS'y. Didn't you say he's already been posting on FB and on skype this whole time?

 

I get the feeling he wanted a break from the amount of contact you require.

[dark angel9]

Ever since that message he has been sending me sweet messages almost every hour. The problem is, it now feels really forced So he has been insanely busy, he is STILL insanely busy but now that he knows it's bothering me, he has time to text me a lot? I wish he was thinking of me and missed me enough to do this unprompted

[dark angel9]

A little BS'y. Didn't you say he's already been posting on FB and on skype this whole time?

 

I get the feeling he wanted a break from the amount of contact you require.

 

A little bit but not the whole time.

[Ariel85]

Yeah, I'm still leaning towards him wanting a bit of a break.

 

In your OP, you said something like he knew you wanted or expected daily contact, and it sounds just so controlling and needy, I think he was looking forward to having some space from the flaming hoops you make him jump through and having some space.

 

I don't doubt (in light of more recent events), that he cares for you and probably isn't up to no good, but I think he wanted some breathing room.

 

Remember - we hold people closest when we hold them at arms length.

[dark angel9]

I feel horrible at how clingy I sounded Now he knows he has me in the palm of his hand. I am also not sure how to handle the increased forced contact. I want it to be natural but it's obviously not.

[Ariel85]

I feel horrible at how clingy I sounded Now he knows he has me in the palm of his hand. I am also not sure how to handle the increased forced contact. I want it to be natural but it's obviously not.

 

Ahh...so it IS about a power play and being controlling, then. The "he knows he has me in the palm of his hand" comment is extremely telling.

[DylanNotorious]

How were things before he went overseas? Did you feel like he wanted to break-up with you then?

 

Let him be the one today to send the last text. Whatever the last text is, just read it and leave it.

 

Then just wait the next two weeks out for his next text. If you feel the writing is on the wall anyways, texting him is not going to help. I'm sure he will text you at some point.

[Ms Darcy]

If you feel the writing is on the wall anyways, texting him is not going to help. I'm sure he will text you at some point.

 

In summary, you've only been dating a guy for 6 months. You expect him to contact you daily. He goes overseas. He doesn't contact for a mere three days. You freak out and post here. You get lots of advice on how not to be clingy. You choose, instead, to send him an ultra clingy message. He sends back what is at best "overkill." Now you're unhappy because his contact doesn't feel natural. You want a guy to be happy being on a leash.

 

I think that's the summary right?

 

You better get this insecurity together or he's going to break up with you.

[dark angel9]

That's the thing. I am happy to let him do his own thing now. It's just that I was worried that lack of contact means he is going to dump me. Now that I know it's not the case, it's all good. I feel bad that he now feels forced to send me a lot of messages.

 

Where do I go from here? Should I just not respond to some of his messages to let him know that he doesn't have to do this? damn it, why did I have to be so clingy...

[Ms Darcy]

I am happy to let him do his own thing now...

 

Statement 1 followed by its contradiction ....

 

It's just that I was worried that lack of contact means he is going to dump me. ...

 

First, you don't "let him" do his own thing. He does his own thing and you relax. People are telling you over and over again not to initiate. Reply as you have time (but that means keep yourself busy) and take some deep breaths if you need to.