My fiance has been molesting my five year old daughter.

[zebraqueen]

I found out 3 weeks ago that my (then) fiance had been sodomizing and vaginally penetrating my five year old daughter. As soon as I was told I immediately called the police and he is in custody. I am not doubting my daughters allegations; too many little puzzle pieces seemed to suddenly make sense and she was very graphic in her descriptions of occurrences.

I know I did the right thing by calling in the authorities immediately; but I am having a very hard time dealing with this. I am trying very hard to put my child's needs before my own. Whereas she is tickled pink he is gone and very relieved; I am angry and feel totally betrayed. She is in a state of celebration; and I am in a state of mourning. I mourn for what was stolen from her first of all; but also I mourn for myself. The man I thought I knew betrayed me, lied to me, and injured the one person in the world who meant more to me than he did. Any suggestions? I feel like I am going NUTS, playing the "If I only..." game. I do not know how to deal with the shame, guilt, anger, betrayal I feel one minute; and then the relief, happiness, and joy that comes with knowing that my child is now safe and he will be punished for hurting her. I am going CRAZY!!

[ClareMsUK]

hey, you have been through a lot, so stop beating yourself up for feeling things that any human and mother would naturally be feeling at a time like this. your honesty in explaining your own feelings is to be admired not something to be ashamed of! i think you should seek professional help and talk this through with someone, i also would expect your daughter gets help with it also. You have to move on but this will take time, it will also make you more able to judge people in the future and hopefully not repeat past mistakes. i would use therapy as an outlet for your feelings but i'd advise displaying your anger and hurt i front of your daughter. her feelings have to come first in the house, but outside by all means do all the yelling etc that u need to do in order to unleash your anger. i am really not good at this type of thing so i hope u can take something away from what i have said. Be thankful that you did find out, and were able to do the right thing to protect your family. good luck with everything x

[ComputerGuy]

You did a very brave and smart thing. You have no need to feel shame or guilt...you are in no way responsible fior what happened. What happened is nothing short of pure evil but you had no way of knowing, so dont blame yourself.

 

Have you thought about seeing a psychiatrist??? I know in these situations they get the victim to see one, but often the parents dont and they need one just as much....if not more than the child does.

 

Just remember that your daughter is now safe because of you. It's normal to feel angry...you're not going crazy, you're just dealing with a very emotional experience and feeling all the emotions at once...it doesn't make you crazy.

 

I'm sorry for what happened, but it will get better from here. Good luck.

[WishMistress]

As a surviver of child sexual abuse I can tell you that you did the right thing for your daughter and for yourself. Believing her was one of the most important things you could have done for her. I admire you as a very brave woman!!!! Please, you will grieve for a while and she will too and you will both go through some hard times together because of it, but hold each other close. Cherish each other and get some help together and sepearately. This is not something that your daughter will forget but she will learn to live and deal with and with your help she will be successful. I pray for the both of you and hold you close in my heart. If you want to contact me you may. Another strong suggestion that I have, when the time is right, forgiveness is the way, because hatred and guilt, will kill you and your spirit.

 

Love and peace to the both of you!

[avman]

I definitely recommend counseling for both you and your daughter. Both of you have been through severe trauma and its going to take time to heal from this. Everything you are experiencing is normal under the circumstances.

 

You might also check out some group sessions for survivors of sexual abuse. Many of them also have facets to help the families deal with things and come to grips with what happened. Being around others who have suffered the same thing would also provide you and your daughter with emotional support.

 

Some families find some closure by attending the trial and participating with the district attorney. Others find that a civil suit helps as you can secure money to help with counseling, ongoing treatment, funds for your daughters education, etc. Sometimes the criminal court will order counseling for you and your daughter at his expense. Other times you have to take it to civil court. Check with the district attorney. There may be counseling resources available to you through their office or a related office.

 

I'm very sorry this all happened to you and your daughter. But you did do the right thing. So many others think they will "deal with it within the family" and thus they prolong the abuse for years.

 

My prayers are with you both.

[Mun]

Queen,

You did absolutely the right thing. No matter how hard a mother tries to protect her children there will always be dangers that we cannot keep them from. What you did showed your daughter that she can trust you and count on you for anything.

 

You are her HERO.

 

I agree with everyone else about seeking counseling. It will help you to get your feelings out and receive the support from others who have gone through this.

 

You are a brave woman ... you will be OK.