How to / best way of initiating contact?

[CrazyMiner]

Hi all,

 

I'm sure some of you will know my back history. If you're now aware just check out some of my past threads that I've started. The strap line is an 8 year relationship, ended in March (4 and a half months), we had brought a house together only a few months previous to the relationship ending, me being needy/pleading for about 8 weeks off and on, then NIC since. I spoke to her about 5 weeks ago on the phone and after about an hour long conversation I ended it by saying that I couldn't be friends with her whilst she was dating other people and she said that it was a real shame that it had come to this. It has been NC since apart from her sending me a few emails (2 or 3) about house stuff, but apologising profusely (at least two times per email) for "disturbing me over something so small" - they were over stupid things like the TV license etc.

 

Anyway, fast forward to now. We haven't spoken for 5 weeks with months of NIC previous to that, and to be honest I miss her. Not so much the relationship, but more the person. We grew up together, meeting at around the age of 14/15, and she moved countries to be with me when she was 17 and we had lived together for the past 5 years. If I'm honest it feels like I have had my right arm cut off and lost my best friend / sister more than my partner. I see this as some sort of acceptance that the relationship has ended, which is a great place to finally arrive at, and as I have said have realised that I miss her as a best friend rather than a lover at the moment. Don't get me wrong, if we did ever get back together that would be fantastic, but it's not something that I feel I need to happen as I am now dating other people and enjoying being single in my 20's. She was on dating websites within a week of us separating (which she did say she would do... "I want to see what it's like to date other people as I didn't have the chance when we were younger as we were together"), and I believe she is still dating someone 'exclusively' that she met on a dating website at the start of May. They live 1.5 hours drive from each other and so don't see that much of each other, but that's beside the point.

 

How do I play this? It's her Birthday coming up on Wednesday, and I have been thinking is it because of that which is making me want to be friends with her again. I will admit that I have been counting down the days to Wednesday for about a week, but on reflection it feels that I have done this more due to not wanting to not contact a friend on her Birthday than 'if I don't contact my ex she will hate me forever' sort of thing. I'm thinking of just sending a text saying "Happy Birthday!" and leaving it at that. I'm prepared for not getting a reply, as I did say when we talked 5 weeks ago that I probably wouldn't contact her on her Birthday and she said that she wouldn't hold anything I did against me as she knew I had my reasons. We have both left the reconcilliation door open to each other... she knows that I'd be open to it down the road if we had both changed (a.k.a a new relationship with the new people that we had become), and likewise she has said the same.

 

Thoughts? Best ways of proceeding? As a recap, I really miss my best friend and would be open to a reconcilliation if it happened but that's not my main reason for wanting to re-establish contact.

[Theniceone]

I really don't see what the big deal is with birthdays unless she told you never to contact her again... probably if you were truly able to handle it you would not be thinking about it that must and just send her a text when the times come. If would feel natural. no need to ''play'' it. just my opinion.

 

Do it if you feel like it. Just make sure that you know why you are doing it and ready to deal with the consequences.

[CrazyMiner]

I really don't see what the big deal is with birthdays unless she told you never to contact her again... probably if you were truly able to handle it you would not be thinking about it that must and just send her a text when the times come. If would feel natural. no need to ''play'' it. just my opinion.

 

Do it if you feel like it. Just make sure that you know why you are doing it and ready to deal with the consequences.

 

Hi Theniceone,

 

Thanks for your reply. To be honest, I have already decided I'm going to send her a simple "Happy Birthday Leo!" text on her birthday... Leo was a name she liked me calling her (as in the star sign), or I might just leave the Leo out. Anyway, I'm not a big 'shall I, shan't I' when it comes to birthday's as you said so that's no problem.

 

My issue was more about how do I go about re-establishing contact when only 5 weeks ago I said, albeit in the heat of emotion, that I didn't feel we could be friends when we were dating other people. As I've said above, it really does feel like I've lost my best friend / sister (as in how close we were, literally grew up and developed together etc), but also I would be open to reconcilliation although this isn't my reason for wanting to go down the friends route.

 

Any tips on how to go about this? We haven't spoken on the phone it at least 5 weeks and have been separated for 4.5 months... I don't want to be pushy or anything. Plus, she lives over an hour each way from me now so it's not as if we can pop out to the local bar for a drink - the effort has to be there to make the trip and I don't want to seem over eager.

[mat347]

If you do it I would leave the "Leo" out.

[Theniceone]

Now you are thinking of seeing her? That is a bit different and maybe too much too soon. Start by texting her or if you are comfortable speak to her on the phone. I am sure she is smart enough to realize if you do contact her that you changed your mind about not being friends. Then see how it unfolds. Do not make advance plans about seing her if you have not even been in contact with her. Realize also that she may want to keep her distances after all.

[CrazyMiner]

Any other thoughts on how to positively re-establish contact in this situation? What should the opening conversation be? Text/phone call?

[CrazyMiner]

So I text (sent an SMS) her this afternoon saying "Happy Birthday Leo! Have a fantastic day! xxx" and received this in reply: "Thank you Trifle at Nana's, what more could a girl want. Really hope you're well and having a good summer xxxx"

 

So my thoughts on this are the following:

 

1) She replied. This has to be fairly positive? At least she communicated in return. The last time I spoke to her was over 5 weeks ago (4 months after we separated) and I told her that I couldn't be friends with her when she was dating someone other than me (yes I know, what a pathetic thing to say, but it was at the end of an hour long conversation and we were both a bit emotional).

2) The reply is polite and there is a bit of banter about her Nan's trifle (which I hated but she found it funny that I was too polite to refuse portions when we visited).

3) At least some form of mutual communication is there.

 

So how is it best to proceed from here? My ultimate goal is for us to become friends again, because as I've said previously I miss her now more than the relationship. We grew up and developed together and although I am still sad that the relationship ended, it does feel more like I've lost a sister/best friend than a lover. However, if we were to ever reconcile, that would also be fantastic (in a non-incest way), although this is not my main aim. I know that she has been seeing someone new for the past 2 months or so, but that they don't get to spend that much time together as they live 1.5 hours drive each way from each other.

 

I don't want to seem over eager, so I was thinking about contacting her again in a week or two. But what would I say? How would I contact her?

[Eocsor]

You really at a place where you are content being just friends with your ex with NO alterior motives? Because to be honest it sounds like you are setting yourself up for a world of hurt. It really sounds like you are using the idea of friendship to try and get back into her life and then get back with her as her significant other. And that approach usually leads to disaster.

 

If ALL you want is friendship theres nothing wrong with calling her up and saying that. Say you miss her as a FRIEND and would like to continue that friendship. Thats it thats all.

 

I think you are fooling yourself about this though so be careful

[CrazyMiner]

You really at a place where you are content being just friends with your ex with NO alterior motives? Because to be honest it sounds like you are setting yourself up for a world of hurt. It really sounds like you are using the idea of friendship to try and get back into her life and then get back with her as her significant other. And that approach usually leads to disaster.

 

If ALL you want is friendship theres nothing wrong with calling her up and saying that. Say you miss her as a FRIEND and would like to continue that friendship. Thats it thats all.

 

I think you are fooling yourself about this though so be careful

 

Fair point Eocsor... I have thought about it a lot and as I said above, although I do miss her a lot I have come to realise that I actually miss the person more than the relationship. I've been working with a counsellor for a while and she has helped me come to this conclusion. If we got back together that would be great, as we had some huge positive aspects of the relationship which were unfortunately outshadowed by me being lackadaisical and acting badly about 3 years ago (which she never really forgave me for). I would have thought that either way, re-establishing contact would go the same way anyway, as in if I were to re-establish contact to be her friend then it would be the same as if I wanted to reconcile (I'm open to both). However, the contact to be her friend would end at a point whereas the contact to reconcile would go further, if you know what I mean.

 

She did say before that she needed to be able to remember the good times etc before considering anything. The problem is, she is very much the sort of person who respects the wishes of others. So when I told her that we couldn't be friends whilst she dated anyone other than me, she will stick to this, no matter what she feels. So I feel that if I don't make the first move, nothing will ever happen... unfortunately one of the negatives of going NC/NIC with a person who respects that desire!

[Theniceone]

it does feel more like I've lost a sister/best friend than a lover. [/b]However, if we were to ever reconcile, that would also be fantastic (in a non-incest way), although this is not my main aim. I know that she has been seeing someone new for the past 2 months or so, but that they don't get to spend that much time together as they live 1.5 hours drive each way from each other.

 

I think you are trying to convince yourself that you miss her more as a sister than a lover. No one and I say no one can seriously think they can have both brotherly love and romantic love for the same person at the same time.

 

When you call up any other friend do you think in advance what you are going to tell him or her? You start with a Hi/ how r u/what's up combination right? I do not see why it would be any different with her

[hausser]

 

I don't want to seem over eager, so I was thinking about contacting her again in a week or two. But what would I say? How would I contact her?

 

Ah mate I feel for you, you obviously REALLY miss this girl, I was in a relationship for just under 4 years so can empathise. Anyway, tbh mate regardless of how far they live apart two months is the "honeymoon" period for a lot of relationships. She replied yeah, but it didn't exactly entice you to converse did it? It sounds like your pinning all your hopes on getting back in touch with her when shes clearly moved on, at least temporarily.

 

I dont really see any indicators at all that she wants much to do with you. It's painful, it sucks, I know i've been there. If you get back in touch in a week or two you will go from being polite, as the birthday text was, to being needy.

 

If it's any consolation mate I miss my ex a lot too, My quality of life has taken a real nose dive since we split and frankly with the state of the UK job market, is not likely to improve any time soon either.