NeverGoingBack Posted July 26, 2011 Author Share Posted July 26, 2011 I'm guessing that your sudden depression diagnosis after the breakup most likely seemed like a ploy at getting her back. Now suddenly the relationship is through and you've decided you want to deal with it, ya know? Too little, too late. I also think she's been getting over the relationship for quite some time, which is why it seems to sudden to you. To her, that's not the case. She's been detaching for a long while. I'm sure you've heard that already. I didn't read through the thread. You say you couldn't do it, but that is because you are still attached to her, while she is not feeling the same for you. If the shoe were on the other foot.... Do you want her back? Do you mean that she thought it was a ploy at getting her back, or that you think that I was using it as a ploy at getting her back? My doctor told me that I have signs of clinical depression, back in January. He recommended I go see someone and gave me details. I didn't. After that, I went to another doctor who gave me medication. I decided not to take it because I figured that I can work on it myself...through diet and exercise etc... I don't like the idea of taking medication because I don't feel I need to, that it's not that severe a problem... I don't have any experience with it, so at the time I was a lot more confused than I am now... I brought up depression in discussions with my girlfriend as far back as six months ago, to feel her out to see what she thought about it, and told her that I thought I had depression and gave her reasons why I thought so... She was a bit nonchalant about it, and said just to get exercise etc. So we both didn't take it very seriously. I was very unsure about everything, so I didn't tell her about going to the doctor. I left it for months. Then after the "break", I told her (because I thought it was relevant) and she said that I'll have to deal with that on my own... which was a shocker... She was with me through everything for ten years...and now it's like she's a different person entirely... You should read the original thread - it reads like the script to 'Blue Valentine'... ;-) About her getting over the relationship for a while, you could be right, but if you consider the timeline, it's unlikely, since up until the end of April and into May we were house hunting and she was speaking fondly of the dreams we both share and seemed to be very happy moving forward with me... She even wrote an e-mail to me about having kids etc.. It could be that she was convincing herself to stay? But I would think that a person wouldn't get that far in a relationship if she was entirely emotionally detached... It was May 26th when she asked for some "space", and in the weeks prior to that she wasn't around a lot, she was doing her "activities"... I think because of her new found interest in certain outdoor activities, and with me being more of a "home person", she thought all of a sudden that we're incompatible (after ten years). I guess having the new guy there, possibly flirting with her all the time, helped that along... But I think you're right about her detaching for a while...that has to be the case right?... "You say you couldn't do it, but that is because you are still attached to her, while she is not feeling the same for you. If the shoe were on the other foot...." - by French Fries What do you mean? I couldn't do what? Couldn't be with someone else right now? Do I want her back? I wish this whole thing never happened, but it has, and the way she dealt with everything was just horrendous, and I never ever ever thought she would act the way she did, or treat me the way she did. Or lie to me the way she did. So right now, I just want to move on. Of course, I still care for her, and still love her, but after what she's done I just feel so let down by her - she broke so many promises... I've lost a lot of respect for her too, so I think time apart is best right now... Link to comment
lemsip Posted July 26, 2011 Share Posted July 26, 2011 I have been depressed for a number of years but I chose to ignore it and try and 'battle on'. It was one of the reasons for our BU. People don't want to go out with unhappy people, and I learnt that the hard way. Link to comment
NeverGoingBack Posted July 26, 2011 Author Share Posted July 26, 2011 I have been depressed for a number of years but I chose to ignore it and try and 'battle on'. It was one of the reasons for our BU. People don't want to go out with unhappy people, and I learnt that the hard way. And the thing is I used to always say to myself "What do I have to be unhappy about? I've got a wonderful girlfriend who I love and she loves me. I'm financially secure. I have a successful business and a great future ahead..." But yet... Link to comment
hello678 Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 After the "guesthouse" incident (see original post for details), when I confronted them, she sent me an e-mail denying everything... If she's moved on, why did she send me the defensive e-mail denying everything? its very simple, they see it as none of your business and don't have the guts to tell you. People don't like hurting others believe it or not, she was just doing what suited her. Obviously this is the 'wrong thing' from your point of view and would have caused more drama. Link to comment
hello678 Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 That's simple.Because she feels guilty.She knows she's not doing it right so she's trying to protect her dignity somehow. My husband has been cheating on me for 2 months and even now,after 1 month of BU ,NC and all that,he will deny it to his last day. I wonder if it's because he doesn't want to hurt me or is it because he's afraid of what I might do,or he's trying to cover his tracks and not to be the "bad person". Who cares,action speaks louder than words. No one likes a cheater, so people who cheat will do anything and everything to deny their actions. Link to comment
hello678 Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 I found out a few days ago that my ex of 8 years went into a new relationship 4 days before she broke up with me. She's still with him a month later. So from an 8yr RL straight into another without a break. She literally only met the guy too, it's not like she has known him. The mind boggles. My head is up my @ss. But I deserve better, and will find better. She'll probably stay with him for 6-8 months. The rebound lasts for the honeymoon period usually until they find something better to do. Link to comment
NeverGoingBack Posted July 27, 2011 Author Share Posted July 27, 2011 I feel kinda used. I mean, she wouldn't have broken up with me or even asked me for a break if she didn't have a person there to go off with... Link to comment
rbsx Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 I feel kinda used. I mean, she wouldn't have broken up with me or even asked me for a break if she didn't have a person there to go off with... Sooner or later there'd be a guy, there's nothing you can do about that. The problem was that your relationship wasn't working, focus on that, not the other dude. Link to comment
NeverGoingBack Posted July 27, 2011 Author Share Posted July 27, 2011 Sooner or later there'd be a guy, there's nothing you can do about that. The problem was that your relationship wasn't working, focus on that, not the other dude. She would have stayed to fix the relationship instead of being alone. But having someone else there helped her to move on... Link to comment
rbsx Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 She would have stayed to fix the relationship instead of being alone. But having someone else there helped her to move on... Nah that's not the problem, stop making excuses. If she was prepared to leave the relationship, mentally she was over it. When someone is mentally over something, it's game over, whether the person is a man or a woman. Link to comment
NeverGoingBack Posted July 27, 2011 Author Share Posted July 27, 2011 Honestly, I know her better than anyone does. We had our problems, but she knew we could fix them and said that we would "in time". There's a good reason she didn't want me or anyone else to know about this new guy... Before I knew about it, I think she was just trying to have her cake and eat it... When we broke up she said that she wants to be "on my own just for a while"...which was a lie... I'm not saying you're wrong about being "mentally" prepared to leave or whatever, but if she had nobody else there, she would have worked on it. I really believe that... It was the temptation to try something with someone new that helped her make her decision to jump...that's not the full story, but that's certainly part of it... And this not my ego speaking - she doesn't have any male friends except this new guy, and myself (and we're in full no contact right now)... She would not be on her own just weeks after talking about kids with me, our future, our house etc... This new guy also gives her the strength to be callous and cold towards me, because she has someone and can feel good about herself... It's all about her, as someone else said above... Link to comment
hello678 Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 She would have stayed to fix the relationship instead of being alone. But having someone else there helped her to move on... So? This is a normal outcome. Its well known that alot of people won't leave a relationship unless they are guaranteed to have another partner. There will always be another guy dude, whether she stayed with you for another 3 months until she found one. Link to comment
hello678 Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 \ Mate my ex done the same thing, "i just want to be on my own" "i'm staying single for 6 months" "i want to spend time with my friends" etc etc It doesn't mean anything. Of course they'll tell you that. You can sit around stewing on the fact you were lied too or you can move on with your life. Link to comment
NeverGoingBack Posted July 27, 2011 Author Share Posted July 27, 2011 \ Mate my ex done the same thing, "i just want to be on my own" "i'm staying single for 6 months" "i want to spend time with my friends" etc etc It doesn't mean anything. Of course they'll tell you that. You can sit around stewing on the fact you were lied too or you can move on with your life. Probably better to move on, whatcha think? ;-) Link to comment
magnoliatree Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 She would have stayed to fix the relationship instead of being alone. But having someone else there helped her to move on... Yeah, I wouldn't bank on this. I know it's tempting to think it's all about the other guy, but you really don't know that's the case. I know that you think that you know every single thing about her, but you didn't know that she'd leave you, right? It's hard to accept, but some people just don't want to fix things. Period. And that's really ok, it sucks but it's their choice. It's a lot of work and it can be a lot easier (depending on the person and the relationship) to just start over and focus your energies on the future. Right now, you're just in the stage where you are trying to make sense of everything. Mulling over her words and actions trying to fit it all into what you knew of her. But at some point, it just doesn't matter and trying to figure it out is just a waste of your energy. Focus that energy positively onto yourself and your life going forward. It's hard, but it's the only way. Link to comment
rbsx Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 To add to this, chances are she (and you for that matter) are at an age where there are plenty of fish in the sea, and it might just be easier for her to start anew. Link to comment
hello678 Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 Probably better to move on, whatcha think? ;-) It took her a week to "move on" (one week, literally) But yeah I don't even think about how i was lied too anymore, theres too much good stuff in life to focus on the bad. Link to comment
hello678 Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 Unfortunately with the 'love goggles' on most people arn't entirely who you see them as. It doesn't mean they are bad people or anything, it just means that as a couple you didn't work as well as you thought you did. Link to comment
NeverGoingBack Posted July 27, 2011 Author Share Posted July 27, 2011 To add to this, chances are she (and you for that matter) are at an age where there are plenty of fish in the sea, and it might just be easier for her to start anew. Don't mean any disrespect in disagreeing with you, but it will certainly not be easier for her to start anew, especially not with this new guy, if they are in fact going to start a relationship. She's already questioning their compatibility due to the huge age gap that she always thought was "weird". If you read the original thread, that'd be clear because of our history and who she is... I want her to be happy no matter what, and of course I want her to want me and not him, but as her own father said, this is going to end very badly for her. I think she knows that herself, which is why she kept their romantic weekend a secret from everyone including her closest female friends... I told her that it's tragic to watch her throw everything away and drastically alter her life. I guess I need to give her the freedom to make mistakes, since she has no relationship experience whatsoever (except for me), and is naive. I would rather be sure now that she's not going to come back than move on, and have her call one day... but I guess I can't be... Link to comment
NeverGoingBack Posted July 27, 2011 Author Share Posted July 27, 2011 it just means that as a couple you didn't work as well as you thought you did. Interesting point... Link to comment
rbsx Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 Dude what you should be focusing on is not her compatibility with him, she has made that choice, whether it is right or wrong now is irrelevant. Unfortunately those are her mistakes to make. I feel you bud, I was you once sitting there debating why my girlfriend who was given the choice of me moving to where she was, or not, chose the third alternative which was to simply start dating a guy 10 years older than her. Last time I checked, which is almost a year later, they are still dating, but they are having some problems from what I gather. But one way or the other, there is not a ton I can do about it. You cannot make her choices for her. Link to comment
hello678 Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 If she really thought you were best for her, and cared about you and loved you like she should, she wouldn't have left you. Why dwell on that? She's just a girl, there's 3 billion others out there, someone who would respect you for the things your ex obviously wanted to leave you for. Live well mate, life is too short to spend sulking over someone not worthy of you. Link to comment
NeverGoingBack Posted July 27, 2011 Author Share Posted July 27, 2011 Dude what you should be focusing on is not her compatibility with him, she has made that choice, whether it is right or wrong now is irrelevant. Unfortunately those are her mistakes to make. I feel you bud, I was you once sitting there debating why my girlfriend who was given the choice of me moving to where she was, or not, chose the third alternative which was to simply start dating a guy 10 years older than her. Last time I checked, which is almost a year later, they are still dating, but they are having some problems from what I gather. But one way or the other, there is not a ton I can do about it. You cannot make her choices for her. How long after you broke up did they start, or did you get the feeling they were physically or emotionally cheating when you were with her? Link to comment
rbsx Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 How long after you broke up did they start, or did you get the feeling they were physically or emotionally cheating when you were with her? I can`t really answer that question. We broke up in June, she still wanted to marry me in July, she started seeing him in August, then called me in November and we eloped to Vegas and then they got serious in December. I got a call from her 4 weeks ago saying she wasn`t over me. It`s a long winded story I want to end, either positively or negatively. Link to comment
just not sure Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 dude you gotta remember, it's not you, it's usually them... i've been through this three times with the same girl. 3 breakups, 3 other guys. We started talking before she was done with the first one, she came back after the 2nd one stood her up and she never talked to him again. my own fault for not seeing the pattern. HOWEVER it's hard to believe that someone you've been with for 5 years, says they love you and has hurt you before is actively lying to you and is willing to do it AGAIN. but in my situation, i've come to realize that she's not really thinking, she's just doing. she says she's "emotionally detached" herself from me. that might be true. but when did that happen? did it happen before or after she asked me to come to her friends house to cuddle with her like 2 weeks before the BU? did it happen between the BU and 2 days before when she was asking me to hold her while she slept and we fooled around in the water at the beach? did it happen before or after i looked directly into her eyes and told her if she had any doubts about what she wanted for us, then she neededto be honest because i didn't want to be hurt by her again. she says "why would you say that? you're doing so well. just keep doing what you're doing and we'll be fine. i want to marry you." 3 weeks later she's breaking up with me for some douche. i ask her how could she say that to me and then do this? she says "i meant it at the time..." she went from wanting to be married to me to wanting to date/screw/whatever with some wannabe gangster on probation with no future who is most likely just using her for sex in a span of 3 weeks. that's not emotional detachment, that's emotional instability. but whatever, let her figure it out on her own. and again, there's just so many little things. you can't keep asking yourself, because you'll likely never get the answers. the problem is, they most likely don't have any. for example, after the BU i gave my ex the engagement ring i had for her, (WHICH SHE KNEW I HAD) and told her to do whatever she wanted with it. she's sleeping with another dude (often apparently), we're broken up...yet the ring is still sitting in her underwear drawer. since the BU she's had to purchase a new car, she bought a new bedroom set, and her dog had to have $2k worth of back surgery. and the ring is still there. the last valentine's day card i gave her is in her drawer. she's thrown away numerous things when moving her stuff from one bedroom set to the other, yet there the card and ring sit. why? i don't know. maybe it's just a ring and a card. and maybe i'm just a better person than she is. but i don't see how she could look at those things and not feel SOMETHING... Link to comment
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