Mellie Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 I find it particularly irritating because, with the "benefit" of hindsight (I hate hindsight!), you can see that all the signs were there. At the time you brush off this little niggly feeling that something may not quite be right because you think it's you being needy and insecure but... I'm not even sure what happened with mine. I knew something was up over the past few months, asked about it a few times, and was told noooooo, noooooo, everything's fine. I just find it hard to reconcile the fact that someone can lie like that against the fact they were telling you they love you at the same time. Was that a lie too? Were they lying all the while? How long for? Could you have done anything? It does make you feel kind of stupid. It just goes round and round and the bit I'm struggling to come to terms with is the fact there'll never be any answers. Maybe if I got them, I wouldn't want them. Probably. But how good would it be to be with someone and be all loved up without the crappy niggly feelings? I'm thinking pretty damned good. Just need to stop going off the chart making up my own explanations and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Sorry, OP. I went completely off topic. Is it odd as in uncommon? No. But neither is alcohol abuse. Doesn't make it a good idea. Even if you left it a year after the breakup, you'd still be carrying a certain amount of baggage. Diving from one to the next, well, it's a recipe for a collossal * * * * up. I've done it. I mean, after a semi respectful gap - a couple of months at least. But no way was I ready for the next relationship emotionally. I was just scared of being on my own. It's like having blinding headaches and instead of going to the docs to deal with the cause, just necking painkillers and pretending you're ok. Emotions have a nasty habbit of catching up with you eventually though. There isn't really any place to hide. Link to comment
hello678 Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 This rebound thing seems to happen very regularly based on this board. I remember reading things about it when i was going through the break up thinking "no way, my ex really cares about me even though we are breaking up, she wouldn't do that" and funnily enough a month after the breakup she was in a relationship with a new guy. Now I can't pretend to relate to your situation because yours was 10 years compared to mine only being 2 years, but time does make it get better. The level of disrespect she has shown you is hard to fathom I know, and you are thinking "I could never do this to someone". But the fact of the matter is you don't have to understand how or why she done it, you just have to understand that it has happened (note has happened, not IS HAPPENING, you need to learn to disconnect from the continuity of it. Never see her, never know about it and never think about it and it is no longer happening, if you start to get all jealous and angry just think "shes not my gf, shes just like any other girl, there is no connection there) and move on from this. Its hard, I suspect it will take you atleast 3 months before you start to think clearly. Know that and don't do anything you'll regrett in that period of time! Link to comment
mynameishope Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 Hi Nevergoingback, I did what your ex gf did with an old college bf and want to give you my perspective... We met right out of high school, we clicked, fell in love and went through college together. In our last year of college we started fighting but we thought our bond was too strong to let any fights get in the way. Then the fights got uglier. He became verbally abusive like his dad. I started cursing too, then we both started raising out voices. Then we stopped trusting each other and then one day my love for him died. He hurt me so much, our trust was so broken it could never be fixed. I resented him. We stopped being intimate with each other. He became sloppy, lazy and messy. I resented him even more. We practically became room mates. I handled it for a year, mostly because he had no where to go and couldn't afford rent. One day I lost my patience because he was still giving me hell everyday for everything I did. As soon as the rent period was up, I moved out and broke up with him. Little did he know that in my heart, I had broken up with him a year ago. I had no love for him, only resentment. When I broke up with him he started sobbing and begged me to give me another chance (the millionth one). He was hurting so bad it broke me and I started sobbing too and apologizing for hurting him like that. It confused him as much as your ex's pain confuses you. I didn't love him but I did at one point in my life. At one point he meant everything to me. I couldn't see someone I cared about for so long hurt so much and it almost broke me. I quickly moved out so I wouldn't have to see him and never answered his calls so I wouldn't have to hear him cry. After a few days I pulled myself together and started dating an amazing guy who I just met and we clicked instantly. It wasn't a rebound because my feelings for my ex were gone, there was absolutely nothing left but resentment. I'm not saying you and your ex broke up for the same reasons but like someone else mentioned, she did "check out" of the relationship a long time ago. I think she's already over it. I always thought it was weird that my ex didn't see it coming. Link to comment
NeverGoingBack Posted July 25, 2011 Author Share Posted July 25, 2011 Either he is a rebound or our relationship really didnt mean much to her after all. I'd have to know your girlfriend and what your relationship was like from the inside, but knowing my own ex-gf, and that we've only ever had each other, I know she's going to realize eventually that she made the mistake of a lifetime. After all, NO ONE was supposed to know about this new guy. I think she was just testing the waters. I have a feeling, though, that because she knows everyone (including her family) is against her being with this guy (not just because of the 13 year age gap) that she might try even harder to make the new relationship work (if it is, in fact, a relationship). Knowing her better than I know anyone, I know that this new guy is not suited for her at all, besides the fact that they share a love for a certain outdoor activity. Link to comment
NeverGoingBack Posted July 25, 2011 Author Share Posted July 25, 2011 NGB, You're going through a lot lately and I would seriously consider postponing the coffee date with the Facebook girl. Please. I know you don't think it's "Fate" but when we are going through a hard and trying time emotionally, we sometimes end up getting very close very quickly to new people. This can backfire a lot and make you feel even worse. Also, even if she's a "potential date", it's not a good idea to go out with her for coffee during a time where you're dealing with the FRESH breakup of a LTR. Please, have a good think about this. I think you're right. I'll leave it for a few weeks or months anyway... I don't think it's "fate" - it's just a coincidence. But it was nuts that I was speaking to her for thirty minutes on the phone, in the middle of the night, after not seeing her for 12 years! I have no interest in a relationship with anyone right now, and I don't think I could even be intimate with another woman right now... It would be too strange after just getting out of a relationship that lasted ten years... I need to heal from this one first. (Although, a ride would be nice. Just kidding.) Link to comment
NeverGoingBack Posted July 25, 2011 Author Share Posted July 25, 2011 I agree with Fudgie. If you do have any involvement with this new girl, please be honest with her. Too many hurt people go out and hurt others in their attempts to get over exes. It's not right and will probably not make you feel any better. Totally agree. She's just an old friend/love interest who has suddenly come back into my life with a bang and I'm totally not ready for that. I wouldn't do what my ex-gf did by going into a relationship or being intimate with another guy straight away... I would have to be very emotionally removed from my ex-gf (which I'm not) and I'd have to be repressing various feelings... Link to comment
NeverGoingBack Posted July 25, 2011 Author Share Posted July 25, 2011 All I can say is that it seems like girls don't leave relationships until they have another one lined up. So it's not uncommon for them to jump right into another one. And like others have said she was probably thinking about this for awhile. All I can say is stay NC and don't be her backup guy. If stuff falls through with this guy she could come crawling back but don't be her go to backup plan. Keep moving forward and find someone else who won't do that to you. The odd thing is that when asked for a break, she said that she didn't want to break up. I asked her was she just letting me down softly (soft speak) and she said "No". I told her that I knew that she knew that because she didn't give me a lot of info that I'd have to keep contacting her to try to figure out what was going on in her head, and I told her that I feared that she was going to use this "not giving me my space" BS as a reason to break up. She denied that, and then a month later, she was using that pretty much as the excuse for the break up. It was all because of my "actions". Yeah, she said that things weren't good for a while (she said this post break up), but didn't go into details about what was wrong in particular, and why she didn't want to work on it. She said that she didn't want to work on it "now", but that we'd grow back together after we lived our separate lives for a while. As I've said, I knew something was up, and then found out about this guy... and I was NOT supposed to know about this guy... And now she's really pissed... (deflecting guilt) I'm totally NO CONTACT - don't think I'd bother with her again, but there's definitely feelings still there. I won't be used as a backup (which might have been her plan). Strange that someone would do that to the love of their life... My ex-gf knows that no one knows her as well as I do, and no one understands her as well as I do. I was with her before she had breasts! Back when she had braces, and would sneak out of the house to see me... Ah, those were the days... Things change... "If stuff falls through with this guy she could come crawling back" I'd be 90% certain that things are not going to work with this new guy, and that's not just wishful thinking... Will she come back, or make contact? Maybe, but I wouldn't say that will be for some time... if at all... although, it's hard, I'm sure, for her to erase thoughts of "us" from her memory this quickly... and if she's on her own, who knows what she'll do... If she does come back or make contact, she has a lot of explaining and apologizing to do... Link to comment
NeverGoingBack Posted July 25, 2011 Author Share Posted July 25, 2011 I still maintain that yes, a break needed to happen for us to sort our heads out, but not a break up. She told my mum "she didn't mean for it to go that far"... So I reckon she realised that since she had done the hard work (initiating the break) she may as well completely end it. When she asked for a break, I told her that I think we should work on things now rather than spend time apart and that if she loved me she'd want to work on things and not wait. She said that if I can't give her space or "headroom" that we might as well just end it "for now". It was definitely hard work for her to initiate the break (and very brave of her as well). She said to me, in a letter, post break-up that she "didn't want it to come to this, but it has". Well, if she didn't want it to come to this, then it wouldn't have come to this. She is the one who did it, not me. Of course, she acted on the temptation to try things with this new guy, which is unforgivable... But that was supposed to be a secret. All hail Facebook... Link to comment
NeverGoingBack Posted July 25, 2011 Author Share Posted July 25, 2011 Yeah, when I asked her what was wrong and she kept saying everything was alright, it might have been because she was fighting it, and knew that if she said anything, she might have been afraid that I'd leave (I doubt she thought that, but it's a possibility), or she might have thought that saying anything would hurt the relationship before she had made up her mind to end it. I guess she was conflicted. But she should have talked to me about things - that's the promise we made. And that promise is just as important, in my view, as saying "I do" on an altar. Her father thinks that she's being an " * * * * * * * " and that he's worried about her because they're not really talking at home now, and that he thinks this is going to end badly for her. I fear that too, and wish I could help her or talk to her, but I just have to let her make her own mistakes I guess. You have to remember that she's only ever been in a relationship with me, from the time she was 16. She's very naive (the new guy is 39 this year; I thought he was only 37 before, but no he's 39), and she's very inexperienced. I'd like to think that this new guy is not just trying to get her in the sack. They don't know each other that long, and he knows that she's vulnerable. I know that he's buttering her up and telling her everything that she wants to hear right now. Also, her old friend (about 25 years old) got with a 40 year old man a few years back, and has a kid with him now, and when my ex heard about that she thought it was "weird"... Kind of ironic, wouldn't you agree? As for emotions and their habit of catching up on you: my ex-gf kept everything bottled up inside her and then made a fatal mistake and went off the rails.. She's repressing emotions right now that she's going to have to face one way or another...perhaps it will hit her on her birthday in a few weeks time when I don't call her (we used to speak at the stroke of midnight every year, on both of our birthdays), or perhaps over Christmas, when I don't show up with a sack full of gifts that morning. Or when (if) she's being intimate with this new guy, and he doesn't hold her the way that I used to... Little things like that... That's what you miss... Link to comment
NeverGoingBack Posted July 25, 2011 Author Share Posted July 25, 2011 Thanks, mtom12 - yeah, I'm totally baffled by how she was so callous and cold towards me. Link to comment
Luigi68 Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 Sounds like a few of us been here. The dumper moves on in thier head so it seems normal to move into another quickly whereas the dumpee, you and me, feels it like a bolt out of the blue and it hurts so bad. i am 10 weeks into this and the hurt still here, bets best as per lots of advice on here is to distance yourslef as much as pss, be strong and try to show it doesnt matter, dont endorse the new relationship etc etc. Loads of good advice one here and whilst lots easier said than done try to follow the advice Link to comment
NeverGoingBack Posted July 25, 2011 Author Share Posted July 25, 2011 I guess there's some similarities there alright. We didn't really fight over the years at all, and we both thought it was a perfect relationship, up until recently anyway... She would get annoyed when I'd "snap" at her (which was an exaggeration on her part, but still it's important because that's how she felt). I'd also get annoyed when she'd snap at me, but it wasn't a big enough problem to bother me too much. After our "break", she said that she hasn't fallen out of love, and just needs some "headroom". I would like to think that this was true, otherwise she lied the whole time. I honestly think it was a bump on the road, that got worse and worse over the course of the short break, and that the new guy coming into the picture certainly didn't help matters because she saw that moving on was possible... Y'see, the new guy was a secret, because she was just testing the waters with him, I think. The official reason for the break up, according to her, are my "actions" - which is ridiculous, because anyone in my shoes would have done the same thing; they would HAVE to do the same thing and approach her for clarity (after all, ten years is a long time). She made a terrible mistake, and I know for a fact that she's going to realize this soon... I think she doesn't know what the hell she wants... Who's the "amazing guy" that you started to see just days after breaking up with your ex? And how long were you going out with your ex for? You were able to be intimate with another guy, how? I know you say that your feelings for him were gone and that you resented him. I just find that extraordinary... Would you describe your relationship as abusive? Because you said that he was giving you "hell everyday for everything you did". There was nothing like that in my relationship... Link to comment
AlxEss Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 NGB, I was (am) in a very similar situation although you have a bunch of years on my ex and I. PM me if you'd like to discuss tips to make it through each day. I know how it feels, it's the most confusing/bewildering feeling in the world to think of someone you love with all your heart as someone who is inconsiderate and uncaring. First and foremost, no new contact=no new pain. I've lived by that and it's true no matter how you slice it. Second, it's not the sunniest advice but you need to remind yourself that no matter what connection you have or what you've shared, your ex is still another person, with her own thoughts, actions and beliefs...this is all her doing, no matter what you believe you may or may not have done to bring it about...it's all her decision, you didn't make her do anything. Let her live with her actions. Link to comment
NeverGoingBack Posted July 25, 2011 Author Share Posted July 25, 2011 After the "guesthouse" incident (see original post for details), when I confronted them, she sent me an e-mail denying everything... If she's moved on, why did she send me the defensive e-mail denying everything? Link to comment
hello678 Posted July 26, 2011 Share Posted July 26, 2011 Id say he saw it coming, most people see it, they just don't do anything (or can't do anything) to stop it. Link to comment
NeverGoingBack Posted July 26, 2011 Author Share Posted July 26, 2011 Id say he saw it coming, most people see it, they just don't do anything (or can't do anything) to stop it. I really did NOT see it coming. She was a bit cold and distant for a while, but not too long, and said nothing was wrong... We were still house hunting... But then for a few weeks before she asked for space I knew something wasn't right with her, and I sent her that link to an article on the "signs of a break up" to see what she thought and then the next day she asked for some "space". It was actually a shocker - I was just trying to make her aware that I thought something was up, but didn't truly believe that it was anything serious... I always thought if we ever had a problem, we'd work on it immediately before it escalated (that's the promise we made to each other). After the "guesthouse" incident (see original post for details), when I confronted them, she sent me an e-mail denying everything... If she's moved on, why did she send me the defensive e-mail denying everything? Link to comment
NeverGoingBack Posted July 26, 2011 Author Share Posted July 26, 2011 Id say he saw it coming, most people see it, they just don't do anything (or can't do anything) to stop it. I really did NOT see it coming. She was a bit cold and distant for a while, but not too long, and said nothing was wrong... We were still house hunting... But then for a few weeks before she asked for space I knew something wasn't right with her, and I sent her that link to an article on the "signs of a break up" to see what she thought and then the next day she asked for some "space". It was actually a shocker - I was just trying to make her aware that I thought something was up, but didn't truly believe that it was anything serious... I always thought if we ever had a problem, we'd work on it immediately before it escalated (that's the promise we made to each other). After the "guesthouse" incident (see original post for details), when I confronted them, she sent me an e-mail denying everything... If she's moved on, why did she send me the defensive e-mail denying everything? Link to comment
AvonRepus Posted July 26, 2011 Share Posted July 26, 2011 That's simple.Because she feels guilty.She knows she's not doing it right so she's trying to protect her dignity somehow. My husband has been cheating on me for 2 months and even now,after 1 month of BU ,NC and all that,he will deny it to his last day. I wonder if it's because he doesn't want to hurt me or is it because he's afraid of what I might do,or he's trying to cover his tracks and not to be the "bad person". Who cares,action speaks louder than words. Link to comment
NeverGoingBack Posted July 26, 2011 Author Share Posted July 26, 2011 Now that she knows that I know, and is angry (or pretending to be), she says that we'll never talk again... An attempt at reverse psychology me thinks... Link to comment
mynameishope Posted July 26, 2011 Share Posted July 26, 2011 Who's the "amazing guy" that you started to see just days after breaking up with your ex? And how long were you going out with your ex for? You were able to be intimate with another guy, how? I know you say that your feelings for him were gone and that you resented him. I just find that extraordinary... Would you describe your relationship as abusive? Because you said that he was giving you "hell everyday for everything you did". There was nothing like that in my relationship... Me and my ex were together for 5 years. I fell out of love at the end of the fourth year and considered him my room mate. Yes I was able to get intimate with the new guy after about a month of dating. I wrote my ex out of my life and out of my heart for good. He meant nothing to me at all. I had no feelings for him and I had that year to get over him. We didn't even KISS for that whole last year. So it was pretty easy to pretend he didn't exist anymore and get intimate with the new guy. My new relationship lasted about a year. It's actually my current problem and why I joined this forum. Yes I would describe our relationship as verbally abusive. He was slowly becoming insanely jealous, insecure and out of control like his father. The straw that broke the camel's back was when he yelled "Eff you" and hung up on me because he discovered a FB message from another ex that I didn't even reply to! Anyway, you said your ex wanted to go on a break and told you that she didn't want to break up. I think she lied to soften the blow. The night I broke up with my ex , he cried and asked me if I still loved him. I looked him in the eyes and said yes. It was a lie. I said I loved him but couldn't be with him but I really didn't love him anymore. I confessed that a few days later though so that he wouldn't hold on to any false hope. Link to comment
mynameishope Posted July 26, 2011 Share Posted July 26, 2011 Id say he saw it coming, most people see it, they just don't do anything (or can't do anything) to stop it. Hm, you could be right. Link to comment
NeverGoingBack Posted July 26, 2011 Author Share Posted July 26, 2011 Anyway, you said your ex wanted to go on a break and told you that she didn't want to break up. I think she lied to soften the blow. The night I broke up with my ex , he cried and asked me if I still loved him. I looked him in the eyes and said yes. It was a lie. I said I loved him but couldn't be with him but I really didn't love him anymore. I confessed that a few days later though so that he wouldn't hold on to any false hope. She came over and was crying, saying that she wasn't happy, and asking me if I was happy. I told her that there was things that we needed to work on too, and she was happy to do that but just "not now". I asked her was she breaking up with me, and she said no. She said that she doesn't want to break up with me and that she couldn't imagine life without me. She said "just give me time". The next day she said that she needs time to figure out how to fix things, and needs "headroom", and I said is she just saying she needs space to soften the blow, as you said, and she said no. I didn't cry or beg, and I was just trying to communicate with her. So if she was lying, that's for her to know and deal with. I can never know unless she tells me I guess. But the way she handled the entire thing was horrendous, and immature. The other guy was probably flirting with her at the time, and so she saw a way out for her so that she wouldn't be alone. Having someone else there also gave her the insane ability to be so callous and cold to the "love" of her life... How come you didn't tell your ex (from the 5 year relationship) what you were feeling for a whole year? Why did you hang in there like that? Link to comment
NeverGoingBack Posted July 26, 2011 Author Share Posted July 26, 2011 Well, she has me no longer blocked on Facebook, and I've heard through the grapevine that she's wondering how I'm doing (hilarious, given the fact that I told her about my depression and she didn't give a f**k), and I heard through a friend of hers that she's worried about the age gap (13 years with the new guy). She always thought that was "weird" and now she's starting an age gap relationship... Oh the irony... Link to comment
FrenchFries Posted July 26, 2011 Share Posted July 26, 2011 I'm guessing that your sudden depression diagnosis after the breakup most likely seemed like a ploy at getting her back. Now suddenly the relationship is through and you've decided you want to deal with it, ya know? Too little, too late. I also think she's been getting over the relationship for quite some time, which is why it seems to sudden to you. To her, that's not the case. She's been detaching for a long while. I'm sure you've heard that already. I didn't read through the thread. You say you couldn't do it, but that is because you are still attached to her, while she is not feeling the same for you. If the shoe were on the other foot.... Do you want her back? Link to comment
lemsip Posted July 26, 2011 Share Posted July 26, 2011 I found out a few days ago that my ex of 8 years went into a new relationship 4 days before she broke up with me. She's still with him a month later. So from an 8yr RL straight into another without a break. She literally only met the guy too, it's not like she has known him. The mind boggles. My head is up my @ss. But I deserve better, and will find better. Link to comment
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