Giving advice on this forum

[Eocsor]

There has been a lot of discussion on here lately about the advice given regarding reconciling with an ex. If you give advice people perceive as too negative you are labelled as a cynic and bitter. If you are too optimistic you are told you are being unrealistic and a dreamer.

 

But since no one can actually say in any given case what the outcome will be, and what will work in any given situation, I will simply say from now on that you should do what you feel is right and to just make sure it’s something you can live with.

 

I don’t think anyone looking to reconcile takes any advice to heart anyway, they just filter it out and take in what they want to hear. They have to go all the way down to the bottom before they can fight their way back up and nothing we say makes a difference in that process. They either reconcile or come to the acceptance that they won’t. But it’s all on their own schedule.

 

So, since no one has a crystal ball, I say if you want to reconcile go for it. No amount of advice is going to help or hurt your chances. You, better than anyone else, know yourself and how much pain you are willing to endure to try this, so do what you feel is best regardless of everyone else’s perception. Only you have to live with yourself at the end of the day, all of the amateur psychiatrists here surely don’t.

[TSandullo]

Eocsor, I too was about to start a thread like this following a good number of helpful advice providers being labeled as pessimists simply because they offered some helpful advice that suggested against certain reconciliations.

 

Funny thing is a large number of those folk who labelled others came back later on posting new threads stating how they wished they followed advice in the first place.

 

All that aside, I think people ought to remember that such online forums are for the anonymous public so naturally, all text should be taken with more than a pinch of salt.

 

Take what works I say and leave the rest. But don't and whine about how someone made you do something when in the end, you hold the power of decision and action.

 

TS

[fullofregret]

I will say that I value everyone's input, advice, opinions, experiences, whatever they are and even if they differ from my own thoughts, providing they are not rude or abusive! think thats the reason for a forum. Although everyone in the end will follow their own hearts, and I believe they must. People give their prespectives and it helps when you're so blinded to everything else other than how you feel. I'd like to think I've considered everything before I potentially make a decision which affects the rest of my life.

[DN]

Although ex's do come back (as did mine) the basic truth that everyone should always return to is that if someone wants to be with you, they will be with you or at least make every effort to be with you.

 

Chasing after someone who is running away or who doesn't want to be chased is pointless.

[endy]

Although ex's do come back (as did mine) the basic truth that everyone should always return to is that if someone wants to be with you, they will be with you or at least make every effort to be with you.

 

Chasing after someone who is running away or who doesn't want to be chased is pointless.

 

And that coming from the man that SUCCESSFULLY reconciled with his ex.

 

I'm not going to alter my advice. I don't try to control anyone's decisions. I put myself in their situation and explain to them what I would do with the information that they gave. If they don't like it, they want to judge me because of it, that's their choice and their issue. I think ena could seriously change the name of this part of the forum, but it wouldn't matter. If it had anything to do with get and back together in the title you're going to get the same posts/answers.

 

Everyone has their own time, pace, and place to change who they are. That's for them to decide. I think a lot of people get offended because a lot of us have been through this multiple times, and we are telling them basically to change themselves first. We all know you really can't tell someone to change. They have to want to change for themselves. What some posters say may help manifest that change, but I think the problem lies when you get people who don't want to change and just want the ex back.

[oldenoughtoknow]

I agree that we are all responsible for our own actions. Regardless of any advice received from ENA, we still have to live our lives by our own decisions and no one else's. I think one of the greatest strengths in a forum like ENA is the ability to become aware to that which you are blind. If you're ready, open and willing to listen, you will be exposed to the cold, hard truth. You will be exposed to things you don't want to hear. And, you will be exposed to things you'd never thought of. In the arena of reconciliation, there usually are no irrefutable answers. It's hard enough to get into the poster's head, let alone someone (their ex) you've had no contact with. But if you can get someone to step from behind their lens and see the situation from a different perspective, that's when powerful change can take place. That's when a life's path can be altered. But it's ultimately still up to the poster to decide whether to take that step.

[browneyedgirl36]

Great posts, all. I was hoping someone would post something like this. I wanted to, but I knew if I did, it would be really long-winded and no one would read it.

 

It's disheartening to see people labeled "bitter" and "cynical" when we suggest that the best course of action is to let go and move forward. I still believe that this is the path to the most favorable outcome in any situation, whether it be getting over the ex completely and moving on or reconciling.

 

NC is not a cure-all, but I believe that in 99% of cases, it's necessary, at least initially. I also believe that begging, pleading, negotiating, giving ultimatums, writing letters, making "dates" with the ex, trying to "build the attraction back" by actively doing things to "win" the ex over -- all of these things and more -- are a waste of energy and in most cases end up being counterproductive to both healing AND reconciliation.

 

I also believe that while some couples CAN reconcile successfully, many others can't -- and shouldn't even attempt to. I would never make a blanket statement that "reconciliations never happen" or that "an ex is an ex for a reason and you should never go back," but BOTH people need to want to reconcile, and they BOTH need to be willing to make it work, and it needs to be a healthy situation -- not going back out of fear, or desperation, or unhealthy attachment/obsession/addiction.

 

Bottom line: I agree with the OP that people are going to make their own decisions regardless of the advice they receive on here (especially initially, when there's a lot of shock and denial), and that perhaps its necessary for them to do that. If they're successful without taking the advice, great, and if they're not, then they've learned a valuable lesson. At one time or another, we've all been there -- being given advice and not wanting to take it. I hope everyone will keep up the great work and keep giving great advice. I know I've learned A LOT from reading the posts here for the past few years.