Ex agreed to meeting up and then changed her mind.

[Mustang]

At the weekend, I received some really sad news about my mother and reached out to my ex for comfort and support at what is a very upsetting time. She said things like "I'm here for you", "I am your shoulder" and "I wish that I could make it all better".

 

I explained to her that it would really mean a lot if I could see her and speak to her about everything. She told me that I don't know what she's going through right now but I want to. I care about her and want our break up to end on good terms rather than the way it's been so far.

 

She agreed to meet me and said she was free tomorrow as it's her only night off work this week. I suggested a time and a place and she's now come back and said "Actually, I don't think it's a good idea for either of us. x"

 

Right now, it feels a bit like she's either had a better offer or she didn't want to meet me in the first place. If that's the case, why didn't she just say that? Is she playing games with me by keeping me at arm's length?

 

I've asked her what makes her think it'll be a bad idea. Maybe in normal circumstances it would be but I am wanting to see her because she is/was my best friend and knows my mum very well. It would really help me get things off my chest and have her there for me right now.

 

Do you think she just doesn't want to see me or does she still have feelings? Or am I just being taken for a fool?

[wilyone 11]

Very sorry to hear about your mom. You're not being taken for a fool. She probably still has some feelings, is trying to move forward with her life but doesn't want to risk a major setback by seeing you. Also, it could very well get your hopes up for a reconciliation when that's not what she wants. I'm sure she wants to be there for you but realizes it's not the best thing for either of you. The bummer about break-ups is that you now have to find someone else to comfort you rather than your ex.

[Angel Irulan]

How can you ask "does she still have feelings" when your idea of meeting her was to get her shoulder to cry on over your mom's death? Toxic toxic toxic! Turn around three times and throw salt and pepper over your shoulder!

 

When you've just broken up and something awful happens, like the death of a loved one it's natural to turn where there was comfort. The problem is, you two are broken up and she's likely leery. She might think that either you or she will re-attach yourselves to each other and that is not what she wants.

 

I think she was wise to do this, even though it leaves you cut off from a source of comfort! Here 's the problem with relying on people who leave you: emotionally you're always going to ask yourself again, was it the right thing to break up? Sometimes that's just a harder question than some want to answer.

 

Please, find a counselor to get you through this time! You got whapped over the head with not one but two huge losses and that's terrible. Put yourself in therapy, even if short term to get through it all.

 

Hugs

Angel

[thejigsup]

She's a smart girl. She does care about you. She cares enough to not give you false hopes of a reconcilliation or set your healing back by meeting with you. I know you are hurting but please try to find comfort elsewhere. She is not the person to do that with anymore.

[tresqua]

Every response on this thread has been unanimous and spot on, which is rare.

 

To reiterate, it's not your ex's place to be a shoulder to cry on.

 

Let it be.

[Mustang]

Thanks guys. As heartbreaking as it is, I agree. I wish things were different though.

[Ms Darcy]

Sorry you are going through this. I don't think she's trying to string you along ... I think she realized you might want to reconcile and she changed her mind. Hopefully you can find someone else to talk to.

[sadchick83]

As a person who had to deal with a break up and the death of my father from a galloping form of cancer, I can tell you your ex is being selfish right now and not considerate of your feelings. My ex would suggest meeting up, then cancel. If you ex really cared she would actually go visit your Mom, send flowers, not cancel on you. When a parent is sick, the "fresh" ex should put their feelings aside and give you some form of comfort.

 

Really? A better offer? If this is what you suspect, she is really not a kind person.

[Mustang]

Today is day one of NC. One question though, do I tell her when my mum passes? Not for me but should she know?

[sadchick83]

No I wouldn't. Let her ask on her own. None of her business if she is not going to be there for you. WHat? Are you thinking she might actually do something nice?? Let her do it on her own. She knows your Mom is sick she should be checking in.

 

I emailed my ex my Dad's obituary...all he did was message me back a one liner with spelling mistakes. Sorry, but having just gone through this myself, since your ex hasnt not even bothered to visit you Mom in the hospital, send flowers, etc., she doesnt need to know. Write your ex off unless she does some thing really nice. And I dont mean a lame text message to get the latest details.

 

Focus on your Mom and your family. If you can, and you are able, ask your Mom all the questions you can, tell her how much you love her. If all your ex is doing is sending texts, she is really showing her true colours. You had mentioned she was close you your mom?? SHe should visti her, send flowers-- its the right thing to do.

[sadchick83]

Dont even think this is going to pull the two of you together. Actually, if she does not show some genuine sympathy in actions, consider yourself lucky you actually figured her out--Selfish individual with a capital "S." This is a real test for your ex. You cannot believe how many of my sisters classy ex bf's came out of the woodwork when my Dad passed. They wrote beautiful cards, that would bring tears to your eyes (one found out a month after he died).

 

Be a good son and focus your attention on your Mom and other family members that might need your support.

[Mustang]

Maybe you're right. Maybe she just doesn't know what to do. She's obviously happy without me and doesn't want anything more to do with me and everything with my mum must be difficult for her because she can't be there without seeming like she's giving me the wrong idea.Honestly though, I think if things were the other way around, I'd have reacted differently to her.

[sadchick83]

Everybody "knows" what to do....even people I dont get along with at work showed up at the visitation, to show respect.

"Don't know" in love means "no." Even if she is happy, she should show her respect. It's ok...Loook on the brightside. You now know what kind of a person she is.

[Mustang]

The last text to me said "Just focus on your family" which says to me that "I don't care. Leave me alone.". I refuse to believe that she's that person but her actions do suggest otherwise.What I'd give for a hug from her right now though.

[magnoliatree]

I think you have to leave her alone and stop expecting her to give you support - you are broken up and even if she cares, she doesn't want you to get the wrong idea about her actions. Turn to your friends and family instead.

[motleylou]

Sorry to hear about your situation,and honestly I don't know the detail of your breakup. But there are two sides of the coin here. On one hand she was very important to you and it would be nice for her to be able to be there as a friend for support. On the flip side she doesn't want to complicate things by seeing you and then maybe having to deal with the whole feelings of the breakup again. It's a tough spot for her and you. I would hope that my ex would be there for me and would probably reach out to her. But I know for a fact that as far as our healing goes it would be disastrous. Old feelings might come back and Id be back at square one. Especially after leaving that meet up and knowing that she's still not in my life to the extent I want. I would just say well thanks anyway, and you never know she might she that and then reschedule the meet up.

[sadchick83]

"Just focus on your family" is a nice way of saying "I don't want to see you." Seriously, you should heal and look for someone who will be around when life is tough. SHe is not this person. She is actually using this as an out.

[tresqua]

Even if she is happy, she should show her respect. It's ok...Loook on the brightside. You now know what kind of a person she is.

 

I never understand why people say this. She "should" show some respect by comforting him. Why? Is there some sort of rule of morality that she's breaking by choosing to cut ties with him and not getting involved? Is she somehow a "bad" person because she's not doing what she "should?". There's no law, there's no rules, she doesn't owe him anything just because they were in a relationship and she knows his mother. I give her credit for initially giving the idea of comforting him some thought and then gently telling him it was a no go. In fact I think she showed him a great deal of respect by giving his offer sincere consideration before finally rejecting it.

 

He's still in denial and is hoping some sympathy directed towards towards him from his ex because of his mom might be enough to get her to reconsider the breakup or at least provide him with a few more bits of much craved attention from a girl who has obviously decided her decision to move on was for the best.

[sadchick83]

She certainly should not play him during this time and cancelling on a date is really lame. Tresqua, doesnt sound like this sort of thing has happened to you? I was in the exact same position as M a few months ago. My ex set up dates, then cancelled to go to a party. Then, he did not show up at the visitations, send flowers, call, or even send a card when my Dad got cancer and died 6 weeks later. My ex went to my parents cottage every week end in the summer, lived at a house my Dad owned rent free, drank his beer, ate his food, drove his boat,was commissioned by my Dad to build him a new bathroom when he had no clients for his new reno business.

 

Not only did he not do anything, he started to go psycho and call me every few days after my Dad died demanding his tennis racket back....never acknowledging the death, never called my Mom, or asked how any of us were doing.

 

She SHOULD not set up a date then cancel, not suggest "Just focus on his family." SHe has no class. She SHOULD send some flowers send her wishes, and leave it at that. SHe was close to his Mom, so just 'cause she conveniently broke up with him in time to not have to deal with this, she should still show respect to the family. Sorry, but a text message or two is lame.

 

Hopefully she will do something respectful. As I mentioned previously, it meant a lot to my Mom to have some of my sister's ex's acknowledge my Dad's death. They were the same as my ex-- spent every weekend at my parent's summer home, came to their house for CHristmas etc. Although they have moved away and dont even speak to my sister, it was very classy to write a lovely card thanking my mom and dad for the memories. It's just a classy thing to do. Some people have class, some don't.

 

No, she doesn't "owe" him...it's true. That is why any act of kindness would be much appreciated. Nobody HAS to show up at a funeral, but they take time out of their busy lives to show respect.

[ghostgirl116]

wow sadchick, i don't understand your vitriol for this woman??? are you projecting something?

[tresqua]

She SHOULD not set up a date then cancel, not suggest "Just focus on his family." SHe has no class. She SHOULD send some flowers send her wishes, and leave it at that. SHe was close to his Mom, so just 'cause she conveniently broke up with him in time to not have to deal with this, she should still show respect to the family.

 

I think you're missing the point. My issue is with the use of the word "should", and how it implies that a person is obligated to do certain things just because some other person thinks its some sort of "code of morality".

 

She can say and do anything she wants, she's not obligated, she "should" not do anything she doesn't feel like doing as long as it's not in violation of any local or national laws.

 

There's only one person we really need to answer to in our lives, and that's the person who looks back at us in the mirror. And of course our children (my opinion only, yours may vary). Anyone else? Heck they're expendable, we owe them nothing, and there is no "should have to do" anything at all.

 

As far as this particular situation goes I disagree with your contention that the woman has no class and is being anything less than responsible and courteous and trying to make the best of a bad situation. I think she handled it as well as can be expected after giving it careful thought. Apparently after a few MORE texts were exchanged after she gently begged off, she then told him "focus on family" which is a more gentle way of putting it than she might have.

[sadchick83]

No, as I said -- hopefully she will do something respectful. I was in the exact same situation. A difficult break up quickly followed by death of one's father is utterly painful. By the way, isnt ENA for projecting and discussing from personal experiences? Mustang can in fact draw some positives from this challenging time. He can find out who his real friends are and feel blessed.

[sadchick83]

So great, disagree....you are entitled. You sound like M's ex. I have a different opinion because I don't consider anyone as expendable. Also, congrats for 843 posts since May!

[Mustang]

I sort of agree with you both. Whilst she doesn't owe me anything, considering we've only been broken up a few weeks, lived together and loved each other, I am a little bit disappointed at how she's able to just leave me to it. I don't think I could do that if things were the other way round. Even if I'd moved on, I'd still support her but that's just me. My ex has made it clear to me that she doesn't care and is happier not having to deal with it. Which she doesn't have to do, I know that.I just expected more from her considering last week she told me that she "really loves me forever in her heart". It's very upsetting to not have her support but I also know she doesn't have to give it. Day two of NC now.

[sadchick83]

Im so sorry Mustang, I know exactly how you feel. Feel free to PM me if you need to chat. Really, even if you were together, she may not have been all that supportive from the sounds of it. I believe you when you say if things were reversed, you would not pull a disappearing act.

 

My ex was looking to buy a house shortly after we broke up. He begged me to help him with the process, since I am a lender I know a lot about real estate and see many first time homebuyers overspend. I even pulled some strings, did a lot of homework of my own and got him $10,000 off the price of the house he eventually bought. Did I have to do this? No. Did I owe him? Nope, but I just couldn't stand to see him taken for a ride and over pay for this house. This was a couple of months after we broke up.

 

Since you lived together and you have only been broken up a few weeks, she really should go visit your Mom, or take you for lunch to cheer you up. This is not about owing, it's about respect for you and your family. Of course it might be a bit uncomfortable to do the decent thing and visit your Mom, but just think how uncomfortable your Mom feels? When someone becomes very ill, it is all about them. I'm guessing here, but is she a selfish person?? I know this is hard but this will be a blessing in disguise. Do you really want to prolong a relationship with someone who could do this??? The writing is on the wall.