Are breakups easier to accept through FB messages?

[Tryptophan]

My friend just got a FB message from his now-ex-girlfriend. It consists of 5 lines saying she can no longer be with him because of "general life issues" conflicting with the relationship. He got it while we were at work, right before lunch time. He basically went and talked to me, holding back the tears and wondering how he should reply (thought process: how do I get her back?). Of course he addressed how cowardly it was of her to do this through FB but he said he didn't want to mention that to her. He asked me to help her write her a message back, but here's the situation: he had time to think it through and not respond by doing the old begging, pleading, and/or emotionally blackmailing.

 

Seeing what he was gonna say in writing (emotionally charged), he went back and deleted everything and just typed: "I see where you're coming from—thanks for taking the time to let me know. Good luck in your future endeavors. Best, R" I had no objection to replying this way; it exudes dignity and utter acceptance. Honestly, it just seems like having the time to reflect on what was said through a message seems better than being there to face it all at once which can lead us to respond with our emotions. He is still torn up—and probably taking the rest of the day off—but his dignity is still intact.

 

Have you ever been broken up with through a similar media outlet and replied with such a nonchalant message? I'm actually hoping that if a breakup were to happen to me this way, it would play out like this. Do you agree?

[Mustachio]

Sure it may be "easier" for someone to dump someone through facebook. And it may give the dumpee some time to compose a more thought out response without letting their emotions get the best of them. I do agree your friend responded in a good way, but i think to be dumped like that has got to hurt more than if she actually had the balls to do it face to face, I think thats sort of a common courtesy.

 

But I think its a horrible way to break up with someone. After sharing your life with a person for however long I think its incredibly rude and cowardly that they cant even face the person to tell them its not working for them.

 

Edit: If I was a dumper, even though it would be much harder in person I wouldnt want my ex to think of me as a coward who hides from problems like that. The politeness of the breakup was only superficial and I am not sure how much dignity is really saved by doing it that way.

[Tryptophan]

You're right but see, it makes the dumper look bad. She obviously knows her breakup strategy is probably the sh*ttiest one on Breakup 101 so she will (most likely) be experiencing tremendous amounts of guilt for doing it. On the other hand, the dumpee has time to think it through and ends up looking like the more mature person out of the relationship. I mean, he didn't beg, he didn't badmouth her even though she had a screwed up breakup strategy, and he accepted it. I know this would have probably played out way worse for him had it been in person considering the sad face he now has.

 

There's no good way to breakup but I think the dumpee in this case got to redeem himself through a dignified breakup response.

[Eocsor]

I think if you dump someone, you do it in person. Anything else is cowardly and disrespectful. There are no good breakups and I think as a dumpee it helps to get it in person. My ex dumped me by text after 14 years and I can tell you honestly I would have rather had her do it to my face so I could have said what I felt.

[lana111]

its funny bc i agree with the statements that this is something that should be done in person. but id rather do it via text/email.. and i mean as in dumping or being dumped. id def prefer it!

[a123]

Tryptophan, I agree with you about the Facebook breakup making her look bad. It's actually help me get over them, because that way, I could think 'well good thing it's over, he didn't even have the respect/decency to do it in person... clearly he wasn't worth being with if he deals with things like that'; whereas in person, they could try to act supportive and understanding - making them look good. Last thing you want in a breakup is for your ex to look good...

 

As for if I've had it, I've had similar, except in person. When someone says something like that to me, where I'm deeply hurt or disappointed (breakup or something else), I just go cold and kinda refuse to humiliate myself. I don't go emotional or angry, I don't have outburts. I just try to look completely calm and unaffected, say something accepting and polite and leave. I think it is better, because I never look desperate and I keep my dignity.

[browneyedgirl36]

I think if you dump someone, you do it in person. Anything else is cowardly and disrespectful. There are no good breakups and I think as a dumpee it helps to get it in person. My ex dumped me by text after 14 years and I can tell you honestly I would have rather had her do it to my face so I could have said what I felt.

 

Oh, good lord! By a TEXT, after 14 YEARS???!?!? That's incredibly callous. I was dumped by e-mail -- a MUCH shorter relationship -- and I couldn't believe how cowardly THAT was. In fact, I refused to remain friends with the guy (he'd remained "friends" with pretty much all of his exes) mainly because of how he ended it. But ending a 14 year relationship via a text is just....ugh. Unreal!

 

The ONLY time I think it's acceptable to break up with someone via electronic media -- a real relationship, not just a few dates -- is if the dumper fears for his or her safety because the dumpee has exhibited violent behavior in the past. Otherwise, if you were in a relationship, it requires a face-to-face breakup. Period.

 

To the OP: Your friend handled that well, actually. I think it's great that he removed all the emotions from the message, even if he was feeling them, and just left it at that. I would have been tempted to say at least something about her *method* of breaking up (like "While it would have been a lot more considerate for you to do this in person, I understand and accept your decision. I wish you well") it's probably better he left it alone.

[Tryptophan]

I guess it's because I've never truly been in the dumpee situation but this seems like the way I'd want to act. That doesn't mean I haven't been through the pain of loss. I'm not one to check out before and then let THEM know. I experience it all the same, and probably even worse particularly with the last one since he cheated.

 

a123, I guess you're one of the lucky ones that doesn't act out with emotions. I personally have a hard time controlling them, and keeping myself composed. This is why I'd rather have time to reflect on what I say rather than have it said all to my face and have no time to think. I guess it's scripted but scripted is better than screwed.

 

Just thought I'd share the story.

[browneyedgirl36]

You're right but see, it makes the dumper look bad. She obviously knows her breakup strategy is probably the sh*ttiest one on Breakup 101 so she will (most likely) be experiencing tremendous amounts of guilt for doing it. On the other hand, the dumpee has time to think it through and ends up looking like the more mature person out of the relationship. I mean, he didn't beg, he didn't badmouth her even though she had a screwed up breakup strategy, and he accepted it. I know this would have probably played out way worse for him had it been in person considering the sad face he now has.

 

There's no good way to breakup but I think the dumpee in this case got to redeem himself through a dignified breakup response.

 

I agree. It was an excellent response. Classy, understated, no desperation. Very nice. We should all follow his example!

[Mustachio]

I think Eocsor hit the nail on the head with one word, disrespect. As much as it would give you the opportunity to think out your response if any, You would just feel so badly disrespected that it wouldnt matter.

[Tryptophan]

Yeah that situation with the 14 years is definitely something that required some face-to-face contact. I guess I didn't take that into consideration. This relationship I think roughly 1 year.

 

I think I would have been tempted to say the same too. ("You ******* *******, you couldn't even call me?!?!!?"). But who knows, I think if I were the dumper in this situation, I would feel so dumb that I couldn't even face it, and he acted all the opposite of what I thought he would.

 

Edit:

 

 

 

Probably but I think it just depends on who you're focusing on. He didn't even give HER any attention that she probably craved as a dumper (like many check for revalidation, that dumpee is still available, etc.) so the one that's on the winning end (so far) is him.

 

Yeah, it's disrespectful nonetheless. However, the last thing you want your dumper to be is "nice" about the breakup. The rose-tinted glasses would just turn bright red with love and that hurts even more. Some negative feelings about them always help you move on with reality. Every time I feel like I want to get back with my ex, I just remind myself of how he cheated and I'm right back on track towards recovery. **** him.

[Angel Irulan]

Dumping someone online, on the telephone or via email is simply childish. Don't sweat that they said goodbye. You are likely better off without them!

Angel

[Eocsor]

However, the last thing you want your dumper to be is "nice" about the breakup.

 

Why? Some people just come to the end of the line in a relationship. They still care about the person, but don't love them anymore. As the dumper you owe it to the person you are dumping to be straight up with them, but decent to them. And you have to take the anger directed back at you with grace. The person you are dumping may not be the right one for you, they may have some fairly bad qualities, but they tried and you owe them the respect to make the ending personal. And that means doing it face to face.

[Tryptophan]

Why? Some people just come to the end of the line in a relationship. They still care about the person, but don't love them anymore. As the dumper you owe it to the person you are dumping to be straight up with them, but decent to them. And you have to take the anger directed back at you with grace. The person you are dumping may not be the right one for you, they may have some fairly bad qualities, but they tried and you owe them the respect to make the ending personal. And that means doing it face to face.

 

I guess that was a confusing way to put it but I guess I would hate something along the lines of, "It's not you, it's me; you're perfect" because we all know that's BS. If the dumpee really was perfect, most likely he or she would not be getting dumped.

[leda]

I was recently dumped by email after four months of dating someone I felt very strongly about. I really thought he felt the same way but I kinda knew the breakup was coming. It couldn't have continued because I was moving. My illogical side harbored the desire that he'd come with me (and he even talked about that, without any pressure from me). But instead of having the courage to tell me in person, he closed up and acted cold to me. It hurt so incredibly bad to be leaving the place and to be leaving him, then get home and see this email saying "sorry for ignoring you, this whole situation is so painful and I feel so stupid. Neither of us are ready to be in a relationship, it's clear." I moped for days and tried not to reply to the email. I didn't even want to dignify him with a response. I wrote a letter that I never intended to send, telling him it was childish of him to do the things he did, how much he hurt me, etc. It felt good to write it out. To answer your original question, it did not make it easier to be let down by email message. It made it a bit worse and was really cowardly of him. I snapped and ended up sending him the reply (it wasn't as calm and mature as your friend's). I don't expect a response and I'm starting to not care. I didn't redeem myself with dignity like your friend did and was just so angry and know I won't be seeing him so really don't care anymore. When you are dumped by email or text, it's probably a good idea to not respond or respond coolly the way your friend did, but if you are in a situation like mine where you know you will never see the person again (you are in different countries), and you are so angry and just want him to hear what you have to say, no harm in responding in an emotionally charged way I say.

[Flywest29]

Yup was just dumped less than 2 weeks ago, got the silent treatment first. No replies to phone calls, texts, emails. Took me three day of losing my dignity and pride, begging her to tell me what was going on. Told me via text that she was in love with her ex. We were off and on for over a year and she was with that guy for maybe 2 months, and he dumped her. But this was pretty typical behavior for her. However it is unacceptable to me and showed zero class, respect, character, dignity. This is a 40 year old mother btw. We were long distance, so the least she could have done was phone. I know I am better off without her but still hurts like hell.

[skyhigh2]

I was dumped in person. However, I think it really depends on how the dumper handles the whole break-up. If a dumper decides to dump someone in person, they need to come prepared and know how to handle the situation. When he dumped me, he immediately just sped off. This before I was able to say, react, or fully understand what was going on. No explanation, nothing. Said he doesn't want to do this anymore and left. I stood there watching him leave like that.

Being dumped hurts your self-esteem, but being dumped like that just kills the self-esteem.

[Tryptophan]

Yeah I think it was just an idea that it was because it was through a message that he handled it well but from reading what you all say, I think it's the same and maybe even worse. I think the way my friend responded was more out of hurt rather than acceptance now that I think about it. I think it's the same situation that if it were face-to-face then. I think the way you handle it ultimately depends on your personality, emotional stability, closeness, and whatever else. I think I would still prefer a message though I can't know until I'm actually there.

 

I see that your situation is way different considering you wouldn't see them again though.