please help!! ex is confusing... sorta coming back (???)

[monicaa]

Hi everybody,

This is the story. My ex broke with me almost 5 months ago because of insecurity issues, during which I made NC for almost 3.5 months. Though I took that time to improve myself, I still miss him. So I broke NC last month and called him. He has been open and friendly, and have gone out a couple of times for lunch.

Maybe I'm making false illussions about he wanting to be with me. So please tell me if I'm seeing something that is not. Though I know I have to be realistic, it is difficult for me at this time because I still love him.

Last time we went for lunch, like 2 weeks ago, we had a great time talking and laughing. He complimented on my looks and my clothing, and whenever he wanted to remark something he said he touched slightly my arm. He also said he was happy to see me.

During this he started talking about his business and commented that he wanted to participate in some of the projects my company does and that he wanted to introduce me to some of his clients so that would benefit more my company.

I listened and gave him my opinions, and he leaned very closely to me and said "so that means I can call you when I have some of this?". He also suggested that as he was on vacation we could meet more often for lunch, which for me is a good idea.

At the end of that date he said "I'll call you next week"... so last week after I was expecting his call, like murphy's law when I gave up on the waiting he called on Thrusday late at night. He was friendly but talked about what he said of introducing my company to his clients, and talked more about him and what he has been up to. He said he was really interested in participating with my company. This is kind of ackward.

So, days passed and I tried not talking to him, until yesterday that I called him like at 9pm to his cell and when he answered told me that he would call me later because he was at the movies.

That really made me feel weird and sad, if you know what I mean... like thinking "he's obviously moved on".... I knew that he would not call, I felt miserable! Even though I went to the movies with my friends too.

But he did called one hour later. I did not asked who he was with, but just as I answered he said that he was at the movies because he was like bored and that the movie was o.k. he also said that he knew that we spent years working without enjoying life. I just replied nice and tried to appear happy.

I feel very confused, and dont know what to do... because ever since we broke up we haven't talked about the relationship, I have not told him that I miss him or that he is still important in my life... because I'm afraid of rejection. My friends think that if he was not interested we may not been flirting last time we met for luch, not calling me back or trying to make up excuses for being at the movies. They also say that he might be using the "business contact" as excuse for getting closer without feeling threatened, because it is a "neutral" ground.

Next week he will be coming to the company to ask for some product information (I knew that yesterday) and I don't know how to handle all this situation. I obviously want him back, but I don't know if I should just tell him how I feel or to get another chance... or just let things flow.

Please help! I'm so confused!

Thank you for reading my story

[Scout]

I think he's obviously interested in working with your company. He's been very clear about that. To be honest, getting back together rarely works if the original issues that caused the break up aren't acknowledged, dealt with, and fixed. You say you two haven't referred to the relationship at all.

 

Not sure what advice to give you here. I guess we'd need more details about your relationship and what caused the break up.

[monicaa]

About my relationship, it lasted 6 months. We never had any problem, I think I was supportive and he appreciated that. But two weeks before, he was working too much and didn't had enough time to be with me... though he called me every day. I started doing other activities but was not very communicative about it, so he felt mistrust... and when I tried to explain he didn't believed me. So for a couple of weeks we were both needy and insecure because of that situation, but one day he said we were going out but never showed up. The next day I was so angry that refused to see him and became the green-eye lady and he couldn't tolerate it.

 

After that, casual phone conversations which went from cold to more warm until we went out together on July. He has been friendly and I didn't wanted to be pushy by asking at that time about us. I know what were the mistakes that lead our breakup, and I take responsibility for learning from them. I know I cannot turn back time but I know I can be better person.

 

I didn't knew what to do or how to react at first so I made NC and read that it was not good idea to bring up the relationship to conversation unless they do first. That's why I haven't brought it... but I'm having doubts now, because I know that he is proud and somehow insecure too. Some people say that it's no worth the try and that I may make a fool of myself if I tell him at this point that I'm sorry and want another opportunity.

 

At this point, I feel like I must get the nerve to talk about it but I don't know if is a good idea... how to know if what he is doing is good for me to try?

[Scout]

There is a real pattern between the two of you of ineffective/non-existent communication techniques. While you say you've learned, has he? If you are interesting in trying again, I'd sit back a bit and see if he is really interested in more than just getting to your company through you. You will have to be patient about this, though. Eventually, you'll have your answer and know whether to have the "talk" with him or not.

[monicaa]

Why do you say there is a pattern of ineffective/non-existent communication techniques?

About the interest in the company. It gets me confused because the businesses he wants to treat are mostly related with what I do, so I would have to treat with him and he knows that. See it is like I run this business, why would he be wanting to promote or work for my company? Ever since I told the secretary to handle his case, he take lots of time to answer mails, like been kind of cool.

On the other hand, a friend says that I should be clear with him about our feelings in order to make business together... something like "what is it that you feel for me? I need to know before we engage on any business" and things like that. do you think is a good idea?

[Scout]

Why do you say there is a pattern of ineffective/non-existent communication techniques?

 

I may have oversimplified that just a bit, my apologies! But based on your second post, you said there was a point where you became non-communicative, and then the way he reacted to it wasn't helpful, and so on...and for there to be no mention of the break-up/relationship since you two have talked...well, like most relationships that fail, the cause is usually lack of communication, or communicating the wrong way. Believe me, I know!

 

My concern for you is that, while you miss him and have worked on the problems you felt contributed to the break up - has he? Does he seem different in any way? I'm just wondering why you want to get back together with him. I know that being single can be lonely and tough at times, and we start to idealize the ex...and forget what it was about them that helped bring the relationship to an end.

[monicaa]

Thank you very much for your response and support. Sometimes, it is like we need to hear outside perspective to get things clear in our heads. I still miss him, but you are right about communicating in the wrong way.

 

I feel like he is different in some way, because before his work was so demanding that didn't have time for anything and was always tired... and now he made a change in his job and told me that now he realized how he missed lots of things in his life because of that.... yet, the same communication problem is still there in some way

 

I will sit back a bit and see what is he really interested in...

[monicaa]

hi, so...my ex called me on sunday to see how things were going and that he was coming to the office on monday... I think I should have kept the call short but I couldn't. He said that he was working very hard from Friday to Sunday... when he asked me what I was up to on the weekend I told him I went out with my friends, he was surprised and changed the subject to work issues. I told him that I preferred to talk business on business days.

 

So the next day, he came by and on an opportunity we talked a bit. He said that he was working until late the day before, but tried to ask me more about what I have been doing other than work... he wanted to have lunch with me but I had to do other things with some people who were there... after lunch he came by to say bye and he said that he had a work appointment and even showed me the printed email of that appointment.

I really didn't wanted him to come, you know as to not mix business with pleasure... but as he did, I had to behave happy and relaxed because it is my work. It's really confusing though because he said that he knew some people who could give me better price for some of the things we purchase, that he'll speak to them for me.

 

On the other hand, my best friend told me that my ex registered in the same gym that I am... she workouts with me there too. I haven't seen him there yet... but this is getting kind of ackward...

 

I would like to get back together, but in this time I need to figure out more things about myself to heal completely... and now it is like he is everywhere... my work, my gym... and before he didn't had anything to do with those because he doesn't even lives nearby my gym.

 

What is the best way to have NC with him behaving like this?