How to handle slowing things own?

[jackflash]

I work with my girlfriend. We both are recently divorced (last 5 months). We were and are very good friends and we have both decided that we have a long term relationship, and have discussed marriage, a future. We fell totally in love with each other and know we complete each other.

 

She is the ONE I have looked for all my life. She has a little boy and I have 2 girls. We were both going thru really rough marriages. We were basically best friends, and both felt a mutual attraction with each other. We have been friends for roughly a year.

 

We have discussed our goals and expectations from a relationship and are totally in tune with each other. We share the same values etc. When our kids are with our ex's we go away for magical weekends, horse riding etc. She has told me that I am everything she has always looked for in a man, and she loves me like no other. I feel exactly the same.

 

I have reached a stage where I hate being apart from her, and even visiting her and leaving or going home after a weekend away together is hurting me no end. Our sexual life is awesome to say the least. Its the most intense, physical and emotional thing I have ever experienced.

 

Our children love both of us and everyone gets along so wonderfully. We dont sleep over while we have our children, but luckily have every second weekend "off" together with no kids.

 

NOW THE DILEMA

 

I told her 2 months ago that I am battling to handle this seperation and she changed the whole pace of the relationship. She said her previous 2 relationships were a pattern and how she had never really been "dated" and then courted, and I suppose done things the right way. All I wanted to do is communicate my feelings and take a relationship check every now and then about where we are going.

 

She maintains she basically moved in with the others after a few months and it did not work out. She wants to do it right this time. I am trying to do this but I feel so depressed, and insecure all the time. After this discussion, if I try talk about our future or my feelings about any of this, she has told me she feels pressurised, and I must "live" the moments and stop thinking of the future. Everything will fall into place. We still have the most amazing times together.

 

I need advise on how to give her the space she is obviously needing. I feel I am now invading her time with her little boy even if I pop around for coffee during the week and am trying to stop doing that as well.

 

Now to end off this long post.

Is it natural to feel like a relationship is ending because a decision has been taken to slow it down?

Why do I feel like I am walking on glass all the time?

Am I being obsessive about her and if so how do I change?

 

I really would like various opinions on this, because I will try anything to not lose her.

[evepm]

Dear jackflash:

 

It is very natural to feel like a relationship maybe ending when the other person wants to slow things down. But, remember that she has said that she wants to make the right decisions with this relationship. Which I take to mean that she really wants it to work out with you and that she is taking time to look at past mistakes and not repeat them. That to me is a good sign.

 

You sound like you are insecure about the relationship so it is probably time for you to take a step back and figure out why you feel so insecure. If she has given you no indication that she wants to end it, then why would you feel insecure? Maybe it's time for you to explore a little distance on your own. That's not to say end the relationship. Just allow her to have some space and during that time explore the reasons why you need things to move fast.

 

Take Care,

Eve

[OceanEyes]

Why do I feel like I am walking on glass all the time?

 

You feel this way because you know exactly how much you have to lose:

 

complete each other

 

are totally in tune with each other. We share the same values etc. When our kids are with our ex's we go away for magical weekends, horse riding etc. She has told me that I am everything she has always looked for in a man, and she loves me like no other. I feel exactly the same.

 

To me, it's pretty obvious that you think you've found something that most people will never have. And you would be right. Being totally in tune with someone, sharing an amazing connection and knowing that you would do anything for that special person is incredible. But it is also very unnerving and scary at times, because a little voice inside of you (your insecurities and fears), are telling you that it all could end in a second if you're not careful. By the way you've described the union that you share with your girlfriend, I see no reason to feel insecure. In fact, you two are in great shape.

 

Here's what I see, trying to put myself into your girlfriend's shoes. And by the way, I totally understand where she's coming from and I think she's handling herself amazingly and doing something most of us don't do - she's trying to learn from her past mistakes and behaviour to prevent things from going the way they have in the past.

 

I too have been the type to rush into relationships with little or no real 'dating' involved. I really wish that I hadn't. Dating, and doing the fun things that you and her do are the best way to really get to know someone, to learn to appreciate them, and ultimatley, to miss them when they're not around.

[jackflash]

Thank you all so much. You make it sound so simple. You are right. I am feeling insecure. I think its because of the magic we have, and the way we spoil each other - candle lit baths, rose petals, leaving little notes, writing poetry, romantic dinners, walks, going away for weekends. etc. It feels like I am so complete because of her. Oh we are 39 (me) and she is 32.

 

Perhaps I feel like this because I have always felt comfortable with marriage, and although I know she is right, it feels so lonely not being together. I suppose rushing didnt help in the past.

 

I am going to take your advise, and let her take the pace. Still spoil her and continue as normal, but let time take its course.

 

Thank you guys and gals. Its so nice to get outside opinions. Have a great weekend.

[1Mccarty]

Read my post below.... We shared exactly what you did, perfection between us... Something neither oif us had ever experienced in our lives, sex, inimacy, security. She started wanting to slow down but work it out.... It ended very abruptly a week ago. She went from all this to " It will never happen and I will never fall in love with you and can never love you the way you love me.

[jackflash]

Hi Mccarty.

 

Sorry to hear about your loss. As you can see I have been feeling the same. I think the difference is that we have openly said we are both in-love with each other. My G/F admitted last night that she still has issues from her previous marriage, and hence her being distant. she is feeling scared because everything we have is so perfect, and I think she is waiting for the bomb to drop.

 

She was also feeling scared around my asking relationship questions, and that I was perhaps about to pop the question so to speak. Last night we had a good one on one and I told her that if we are where we are now in 2 years time, and she is happy with that, then so will I. I have given her all the time she needs and told her I love her unconditionally.

 

I just have to believe in her and trust that time will make her see that she is my world and my dream come true. I know I am hers, but I also want her to heal before we can think of a life together. I can't commit and give myself when she is not ready. BUT I will also not wait forever. I have to look after myself as well, but hey, thats a long way from even being thought of.

 

Keep your chin up mate, and visit here often as I do when the "Bad Days" hit you. It does hurt sometimes, but this forum is brilliant.

[1Mccarty]

Thanx.... I had a real bad week. I guess you could say I had a nervous breakdown if there is such a thing. I was emotionally overwhelmed. Ended with severe anxiety attacks, etc. Wasn't eating or drinking. On 4 different meds by 3 different dr's. Fell asleep on the couch, went into some kind of shock. Had to have CPR via EMT to hospital in ambulance. Had acute renal failure. Ended up there for 4 days. No girl is worth that but it also stemmed from a lot of other things going on in my life. I feel horrible. Found out my ex, is seeing someone, spent the night with him 1 week after we parted. I guess everyone was right. Shes gone. Everything I thought I wanted in a woman. She told a mutual friend that I reminded her in some ways of her ex husband and that is what made her run away. She said I have issues, and I do, that need to be taken care of. I do believe that there is a chance in the distant future we might try again but at that time I or she will be involved with others. This is only the second woman I have ever been in lve with. I'm 33. It doesn't look good for me. I find myself wondering if sher is hurting or missing me, thinking of me... I guess not. I know she does try to get info from mutual friends on how I am. She wanted to call and see me in the hospital but said she didnt want to give me any false hope of us reuniting. I am in therapy now. She is the one that lost out. And the 4 psychologists that I have seen guanteed me she will come back around. I told them everything beginning to end, emails, everything. They told me she is suffering badly abd I now feel sorry for her. They say that I need to focus on myself and when she does come back around to be strong and not let her in again.

[Rockymountainhigh]

Hope your doing better. You have been thru a lot. I simpathize because I've been dating someone married and I see how it affects people. The 2 of you got involved after breaking up with others and that makes it tough. Your ex-gf is like someone who's afraid to get hurt or hurt others again. You must have touched her deeply to make her react with such fear.