An opinion from the "other side"

[switchbladeromance]

While thinking over past relationships, I wondered what you guys think of this.

 

This happened to me about half a year ago,

 

After being confronted about what was wrong, I said to my (ex)gf that I needed time to think about things, "a break" to realise what I wanted. But she said she needed to know that night, bad idea, being pressurised I just broke it off.

 

If she had said ok that's fine then went NC with me I would have presumed she was NCing as was hurt and no longer interested.

 

If she had said ok that's fine then turned the heat down let things be cool, be in contact occasionally, friendly, flirty but not pressurising me or all emotional, I prob would have realised what I really wanted. Some time alone is fine to sort out your head, but too much time you start to forget what they are like, so forget reasons why you would be with them.

 

So anyways what actually happened after the break up is, that cause of having mutual friends, our paths crossed occasionaly. We chatted, I was a bit ackward as thought she was hurt, but because of the way she presented herself (confident, friendly) it was good - I did find myself still attracted to her. This happened a few times, also met up and we watched a movie together.

 

In the end we decided to leave it and just be friends as she was moving to a different country in a couple of weeks.

 

What I am trying to say is I think advice is all to often it is "NC! NC! NC!" There is plenty of situations I have read on this board where I think limited, friendly conversation would have worked better than NC as long as you are calm and incontrol of your emotions (on the outside anyway )

 

What are people's opinions?

[RayKay]

I agree. And that is my "strategy". Many people on here DO advocate NC, but not all do (minority) - at least not for any extended period of time. I don't agree with full NC, or even much NC if you are strong enough to not break down in front of them or beg, plead, etc.

[Mun]

I totally agree. NC is about putting yourself back together again ( yea ! like Humpty Dumpty ).

[anon728]

switchbladeromance, interesting question. I was just thinking the same thing.

 

RayKay, are you initiating this contact or are you just being a little more open to your ex's contact?

[RayKay]

RayKay, are you initiating this contact or are you just being a little more open to your ex's contact?

 

It is a bit both ways. It started by me being open to his. We had opportunity to cross paths as we are both active in cycling/racing so got together to carpool, etc for that sort of thing. I would not contact him otherwise, though he would email me with mundane things, and I would respond - it would turn into a day long email-frenzy (lol). Right now, well, I will email him sometimes with something small (nothing mundane, but a funny quip or something - something with no pressure to reply if he does not want to). He does same at times, and often we email back and forth a few times. Or he will call with something and we will talk a bit. It really varies.

 

I left my watch (honestly, by accident!) in his truck on Sunday after a ride, he dropped it off last night. He did not have much time to spend with me though he had originally planned on it. He felt bad about it, so actually invited me over on Saturday evening for dinner and a movie - and chilling as we have a race next morning. A month ago, he would of thought of that as too couple-y, yet he invited me. We were supposed to be "biking buddies" only...so somehow "carb loading" the night before is an extension of that

[switchbladeromance]

Well I am using that experience in reverse on my current relationship.

 

With regards to initiating contact in these circumstances sometimes they feel they need a specific reason to contact you even though they are just wantin a chat. If they don't have one they might be hoping you would call - not everyone is power hungry and wanting you on a leash

[holaguys]

hi switchbladeromance,

I think u are absolutely right.

 

I made the same mistake that ur exgirlfriend did. Pushed him for an answer. then went into NC phase. he called me three weeks later. I did not answer. he did not call again. But I called him again on his birthday which was in the same week. Though i did not actually say i missed him. I made it obvious in some other ways that I still care, like i called him three times the same day for stupid reasons, just to hear his voice!

he was very distant during all this. he has not called me since its been ten days already.

But I would like to follow ur strategy even we have mutual friends. But we dont meet so often.

 

Can all of u tell me what I should do next, should i call him or just wait till we meet again and appear confident. it was me who called him last time?

help me please!

[mookey]

I don't think the point of NC is just to make them miss you. It is help yourself get some things in perspective, and to get your thoughts and emotions together.

 

I only did NC for 10 days, but prior to that I was acting terrible. I was crying everytime I saw or spoke to my ex. I was being emotionally needy to the extreme, and worst of all my days were consumed with thoughts of him. I am currently looking for a job, and instead of concentrating on that I sat around all day obsessing about him.

 

Finally, one day when his phone got cut off, I decided he had changed his number so that he would not have to talk to me. I went to his house, and peeked in his windows and saw alot of new furniture and decided his new chick was moving in with him. I called him at work, but he was in a meeting. I called about 8 or 9 times more. Finally his coworkers thought it must be an emergency and got him out of his meeting. He said no he did not change his number and he was angry because he thought something was wrong. He works late, so around midnight I went to his house. He came outside, we talked some, and no the furniture was not hers, but extra stuff his sister had dropped off. I continued to be an emotional wreck and he finally said, "look we obviously can't have a relationship right now, we can't even be friends. We need to not talk for awhile, I will call you at some point, but I don't know when"

 

Well, I went home and felt like an idiot. I'm still embarrased to write down the things I was doing. So I decided that was it. In the 10 days I didn't speak to him he sent two e-mails and called once. Then, finally, I sent him a short unemotional e-mail. In the next 3 days, he e-mailed, called and even tried to stop by.

 

As for me I am MUCH, MUCH calmer, and have a much better perspective. We have started talking more often, and yesterday we met for lunch (I only teared up a little at the very last minute

 

So, to make a short story long, that I think, is the point of No Contact. Maybe if you already have yourself and your emotions under control then you don't need to use it.

[switchbladeromance]

Hmm... I feel dumpee doing NC would more make the dumper think;

 

1. That you are fine - which would either be what they wanted (glad you aren't hurting) or they be thinking that you don't care anymore, when they still might...

 

2. That you aren't contacting cause you are really hurt and dislike them for what they have done...

 

Well those are just some things I have thought when someone has initiated NC with me... All of which would make me less likely to get in contact with them.

 

 

[Mun]

I feel dumpee doing NC would more make the dumper think

 

 

What you said here makes sense and is the most important part of what you wrote. ( The rest is great too but this part is key).

 

When you do Nc it makes the dumper think about you . I know that's not exactly what you said--but look at numbers 1 and 2. You said it there. They are thinking about you.

 

If we obsess and hang around or keep calling to see if they will talk to us it just makes them want to get further away from us and they start to think that they did THE RIGHT THING in breaking up with us because look at us--there is no way we can have a relationship--we're no fun at all. We are acting like we need to be committed .

 

If the person broke up with us because they seriously no longer love us. Then NC allows us to go away with dignity. No groveling, begging, pleading or threats . We simply walk away.

 

But the best part of NC is what it does for us. NC is to help you start healing and moving on. To remember to think about YOURSELF right now and not about the relationship. To heal so that you can have a better relationship next time. One that will outlast and outshine all the ones that came before.

 

Love