Cheated and am so remorsefull, ashamed, and sorry. Will she

[memyselfandi]

I have been married for 2 years and together for 7 before that. About 4 months ago I cheated on my wife with a girl who was nothing more than a drunk. I have been an alcoholic for about the past seven years. When I have gotten drunk I said mean and nasty things to my wife. Never name calling but derogatory and harmfull comments.

 

Since the break up after the cheating episode I have been sober for 4 1/2 months, spent over $1000.00 on therapy and have been completley honest in any conversations that I've had with her and anyone concerning my life with her. We never spoke for about 2 months and then started speaking everyday for about a month , about having children, what happened how to deal and get over it etc.

 

I moved back In for about 10 days and everything was fine and then I came home from work one day and she said she wanted me out and was not happy and couldn't do "this" anymore. The days before this she was telling me she loves me and talking about babbies and having sex with me.I have had no contact with her except for a few conversations about legal seperation. When I ask her about filing for legal seperation as far as dates and things go she just say's "what do you think"? She knows I don't want to get a divorce and she's never come right out and asked for one. It's as if she is pushing me to do all the serious stuff against my will.

 

She and my sister were very close and she was a faboulous aunt to my 3 nieces and nephews and I asked her not to "write them off" over my foolish horrible mistake and she said that she's not but no one has heard from her for 4 weeks. Her friends and father hate me now (not that I blame them) and are a great influence on her decision making. I told my wife that there would come the time where I would have to face her parents and other loved ones whom i've hurt and disappointed and try to make things right again, but her father just said "not a f*&$%ing chance!!" HE has constantly been sticking his nose in our lives the whole length of our relationship. He has cheated on his own wife numerous times also and my wife knows this., but she still seems to value his opinion more than anything. I have this constant feeling that there is more to this whole episode than meets the eye. I figure if you want to try and see if you can get over the infedelity, lets try marriage councilling. She wont. I guess she just may want out and has the excuse now that she doesn't look like the bad girl. Thats important to her because she constantly cares what people think. After I sobered up I truly have seen the value of my wife and want so many things with her to put the smile on her face everyday.

 

I have so much regret and shame for what I did and the way that I acted I don't know that I can ever get over it, I am soo sorry for what I did to her. People say I am beating myself up about it too much. She has been out every night since and seems not to be taking it very hard. I am devestated!!! I can't help but feel that I have this new outlook and perspective on the thing that should have been done in our relationship but fear it's simply too late.

 

I have committed 100% to living for our marriage, I only wish I could have been sober enough before this all happened. I've always said I would never cheat on her and truly believed I wouldn't until I got drunk one night and it happened. She's kicked me out before years ago because of the drinking and the whole scenario kinda fells the same.

 

No contact and then 3 months later we're back together fo 2 weeks, everything is good and then BOOM.....out the door again. Please lend me some insight , I feel that no man has enough rope to climb that mountain when the friends and father are against you. I just don't know how honest she's being with herself. She's very vague, and never gives the difinitive YES or NO answers.

 

She has never went to councilling throughout this whole thing and will not consider it. I also would like to know how you deal with the fact that someone else will soon be doing the day-to-day things and sleeping with your wife. I just can't seem to deal with it. I guess I got exactly what I deserved

[Mun]

Hi there,

Sometimes we are our own worst enemies aren't we? I think this is a lesson you won't ever forget. Too many drinks and all of a sudden you change your life completely.

 

I think your wife needs to grow up a bit. Not about what happened with you, but about how she allows her family to mettle in your business. It is entirely up to her whether or not she wants to continue a relationship with you. It should never be decided based on other peoples influence--and the father is the last one to talk.

 

If your wife doesn't want to forgive you then it is her call. You must respect her wishes. Trust is a delicate thing, once lost it could take an entire lifetime and it may never be achieved again.

[Beec]

You want your wife back.

 

First thing to learn. The onyl way to get her back is to make her want to come back. Her emotions are all that matter in any attempt at doing this. You need to see what her fears, desires, wants and needs are and to make sure these are paid the proper amount fo attention.

 

You have some hurdles. She has some fears based on your past actions. She has some others working against your aim. It is not impossible, but it may be very difficult.

[Hopingpraying]

Me,

 

I really feel your pain. I am in a similar situation, I have posted hundreds of emails on it, but mine is Marijuana. I never cheated on her, but I did push her away by saying I was going to quit and didn't. She ended up falling in love with another married man. Not a smart choice in my opinion, but it is what has happened. I basically did what many people advise. Give her her space and do NC. I did a modified form because of our daughter, but I have not spoke to her about our relationship in over six months. Nothing has changed, and soon our divorce will be final. It sucks, but I am dealing with it. Getting on with my life.

 

Beec... I have a question for you. I understand what your saying about recognizing her fears and making sure those things are taken care of, but how do you learn what all her wants and needs are when you no longer communicate??

 

Just curious.

[memyselfandi]

I just don't understand why she would come back after the first 3 months of being apart, telling me she loves me , telling me "don't worry we're gonna be alright". And then while I was out the next day she has tea with her friend and I come home and she tells me "i can't do this anymore" and hasn't spoken to me since. Do you think she still has any feelings for me? That was only 4 weeks ago, and she was telling me she loves me and things felt very good between us. Just don't know how you turn your feelings off like that.

[Beec]

Without communicating? I am not so sure you can learn what she needs and wants. But I think that you can communicate with her. After all, you do see her since you see your daughter.

 

But you need to be careful with how you communicate. For instance, one of her fears has to have something to do with your smoking marijuana. If you go and start taking a test in front of her once a week to prove you are no longer smoking, then you are making a pretty direct approach. But if you can placate her fears by not addressing you having quit to her getting back together, i.e. demonstrate the change without demonstrating that it has a purpose related to her, you and hopes for the relationship, you can.

 

You cannot go and begin to talk realtionship with your wife and sink right into big conversations, but you can slowly begin to communicate. Right now, it is probably all business between the two of you and civil at best. You first need to get back to more than just civil. But you also need to make your inquiries indirect, and so much as making inquiries you need to try to meet a want or need, and see how she reacts.

 

An example that may or may not fit for you, hoping&praying: you see your wife once every week to go and pick up your daughter. She says hello asks "how are you" without seeming to really want an answer, you say ok, and ask about her in the same manner. Little eye contact takes place during the conversation, if you can call it one, and no one really means or wants to listen.

 

Let's change that. You go over, she begins the conversation the same way, but you listen. You look at her when she talks. When you engage in a real conversation about something, you maintain the eye contact, wait for her to finish, let eye contact stay for another fraction of second during jsut a bit of silence, then respond. You are now showing that you are listening. How often did you do that when married? We crave someone who will really listen to us. It is a need, we all have it and you just filled it. (That last little bit of eye contact almost makes people be attracted to you.) Do it a few times, and she will look for it in the future.

 

You took the mundane conversation that you have to have with her and used it to begin to try transforming your relationship with her (you have a type of relationship with her, regardless of its status). But now that she may and proably will want to communicate with you, you can learn about what she wants and needs. She will want to tell you something soon. All you need to do is listen. Just don't be a girlfriend to her.

[peanut15]

Maybe I can shed some light as to why she acts that way.

 

My husbands problem isn't alcohol or drugs, its depression. At the time of his brief affair, he medicine was the wrong dosage (thereforeeee not working) and he wasn't in counseling. I also had a baby several months back and the experience during that lowered my sex drive and it also just made me feel scared about it because it just hurt. All that combined, he thought I didn't love him and that I was having an affair (go figure). So he wanted his needs met so he went out looking for the easiest target to satisfy those needs. He had an affair with someone of course but he just didn't realize that she was looking for a way out of her marriage and wanted him. He had no desire to be with her other than she was willing to give it up for him. Their affair was brief and she still was stuck with her husband. She hired someone to hack into his hotmail account and she found my email address (one that he ONLY knew). That is how we knew someone got into his account when all of a sudden I received an email from someone else. She didn't say much about the affair but just basically called me everything in the book and said that I ruined her life because my husband actually wanted me and not her.

 

I found out on my birthday and it was the most humiliating thing. The thing that hurt me is that I felt that it could have been prevented if I just pushed his counseling, talked to him about my problem, and monitored his medicine. Maybe your wife is upset at herself too because she wasn't able to help you with your alcohol problem too...maybe...I don't know. I do know that she is ashamed of what happened and although she says she loves you the next day the other reality sets in and its unbearable. In these situations you may think with your heart but you also need to think with your head. My friends don't chastise him but rather lay down the options I have for me and my kids.

 

If he falls under another depressive episode, will he run off and have an affair? If I reject him sexually, will he run off with another woman? Instead of feeling that and thinking about that, I sometimes wonder if its just easier to call off the entire marriage. There are so many things going through her mind right now she is not sure of what she wants. When you are gone, she misses the wonderful things about you and wants you back. But then when you are back, she remembers what you did to her. When my husband wants to be near me, all of a sudden the other womans face pops into my head and I think of the two of them and it brings me into another place. I start to cry, get sick to my stomach, and withdraw immediately from him. Its slowly getting better but from time to time I have triggers that sends me backwards.

 

Right now, I am no longer the confident woman that I used to be that was active daily. I am no longer the woman that had a smile on her face and was so happy to be married to a wonderful man and had 2 beautiful kids. I am no longer that person and it kills me because I look at him and blame him for ruining me.

 

Although you need to give her space, you also need to show her that you want the marriage to work. You need to give her everything that she needs because you betrayed her trust in you. My husband is doing everything to show me that he wants the marriage to work and keep our family intact. That is the thing that keeps me from kicking him out of my life.

[memyselfandi]

I have assured her endlesly when we were talking that I really realize how much i really do love her. I have never once tried to justify what I did and take full resposibility for it. She says that I try to blame it on the fact hat I am an alcoholic and just keeps saying " well i'm really glad it took you to cheat and get caught to give up drinking and change your life".Maybe I just bottomed out so hard that it was the ultimate wake up call, I'm sure it was. I just can't help but think that if she finds another man that they'll look much more appeasing than me and the s**t I put her through. I told her if she has to yell at me I want her to, I've suggested marriage councilling and we were gonna go until she talked with her friends and told me to leave. I told her that I felt it was important that we deal with the past issues together and find answers together. My heart breaks for her and I just want to help her heal and give her what she needs. It's hard when she won't communicate at all. I wont call her neither out of respect for her wishes not to contact me, i'm just assuming that she doesn't want to speak to me anymore and am scared that if enough time passes that she will just be used to the fact that i'm not around. My life before was bassically this:

 

No job, going to school

Drinking heavily

Depressed

no vehicle

Feeling Sorry for myself

 

Since break up:

Found computer shipping job

never drank in almost 5 months

still sad maybe not depressed but right now have good reason

bought new mini-van

feel sorry for her and how bad I hurt her

 

My mother thinks that she wants to see if I stay sober which is why she will not have any contact be cause if she does she'll think that I am only doing it until we get comfy again. I 've told my wife since i've been sober and gone through a lot of therapy, i've realized that I want a lot of the same things that she does. It kills me to know that I may never get them.

[vicki88]

Dude, i may only be 15, but I know when someone really screws up!.... and you did. If i were your wife, you would be lucky if you ever heard a word from me. You should not be concerned with what has happened since the separation, because you have caused her more emotional abuse than any man could ever handle. You need to realize that even though, you may want her, you screwed up and right now, she doesnt want anything to do with you. Maybe in the future, but not now. Her family is metteling, and maybe ever her father more than others, but you are the pot calling the kettle black.

PS: You need to lay off a little and let her see the situatiuon for what it it. She sounds pretty smart(your wife) and i think she should make her own mind up with out your input

[Mun]

I have found that the only way to get past wrongs to fade in the background is to replace them with NEW memories and new good times. Peanut for you and your husband to get past the mistakes of the past you need to both work on making new, loving and lasting moments. What has passed will always be there, but it will begin to hurt a little less after you build new, solid memories. ( did I repeat myself?)

 

Memyselfandi, the same goes for you too. I hope that your wife is able to see that you are changing and that you make it clear that it was a stupid mistake and you are truly sorry. After that you can start to rebuild what you tore down.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Beec]

Sorry for my own celebration. I was avoding making a post for while seeing as it was a round number.

 

Then I read muneca's post. I've disagreed with her once or twice before. But the one about making new memories. She hit a big fat nail on the head with a huge sledge hammer and drove it fast and deep. She was really, really good in that post. Excellent. I read it, and had never thought about it that way. But one read, and I saw she was right immediately.

 

Now just figure out how to make them. Might not be easy.

[memyselfandi]

yeah, it's kinda hard when they won't talk to you though. I'm kinda thinking that when she took me back for the breif couple of weeks a month ago and then said that she couldn't do it anymore, was her last attempt to reconcile. I don't know if I'm being over anylitical or not. If she doesn't see me or speak to me, I don't see how she would ever be assured that i've changed my life. I mean, I know that I have changed my life because it was nessesary for me not just her, but I just feel so sad that I may never get to show her and put the smile on her face for the rest of her life.

[Mun]

It's her hurt that is talking right now.

 

You need to go after her. This is one of those times when perseverence can pay off. Wait a little and then go after what you want.

 

Ask her what you can do to regain her trust and then listen to her. Really listen--don't interrupt--she needs to feel that you care about her.

[memyselfandi]

I've asked her that so many times and she just keeps telling me that in 20 years from now she doesn't see herself trusting me. Like I said she is very influenced by her father and friends. Her friends are not married and she is only 26 so she is expieriencing a different kind of life that she's never had in 9 years. You see when she asked me to leave, I left with my personals and gave her everything. I simply felt too ashamed and sorry for her to even think about taking anything from the house. That is the way it will remain also. She has waited for me to file for seperation because she constantly says "don't make me look like the bad person in this". How could I? I was the creep who cheated. When I consulted a lawer he said that things were clean so there really isn't a paper to sighn until the divorce. I recently found out that she can file for divorce ASAP under the grounds of adultery. The last time she talked to my mother (about a month ago) my mother said she should file to bring closure and she said she couldn't get an appointment until Sept.17th. This seems like a long time to wait for an appointment for a lawyer to file for divorce? Or maybe i'm just hoping she's bluffing. I've never spoken to her since I consulted the lawyer. I just called and left her a message explaining what the lawer said,she never returned my call. So the big question is how do you talk to someone who doesn't want to be talked too? I waill fight for it until I die but when should I take the hint and lie down? Maybe she's doing NC so I will get the hint. Thats how I'm starting to think anyway.

I just wonder if I am fighting a battle I can't win. She's told me the last year of our marriage didn't even feel like a marriage and I'm possitive that was because of the alchohol abuse. I don't think the changes I've made in my life will ever overshadow the awefull past.