I have no idea what to do right now and why I feel this way.

[gabriella777]

There is a group on facebook I have joined which started from a thread on a forum site. This group was mostly about meeting new people, and making friends in the UK. And most of us are students as this forum site is focused on students. We also arrange meets, we've had two but I haven't been to either of them coz I live far away from London and couldn't go.

 

I joined in february. About a month ago, this guy joined and me and him started talking a lot. After some days, he told me he really liked me and I started really liking him as well. He told me he had two mental disorders- bipolar and anti social personality disorder (sociopathy).

I didn't really know what a sociopath was but I did look a bit into it. look at the bullet points if you're not familiar with it: link removed

 

But I continued talking to him and started liking him more and more every day. When he told me about his disorders, he also told me that he needed someone to be there to support him and he never had anyone. And that the fact that he is a sociopath has pushed a lot of females away.

I really wanted to help him and learn about him and his disorder.

 

Anyway, we became official on friday. A meet was taking place on Saturday. after the meet, I found out that he flirted A LOT with one of the girls from the group, and they even kissed. I learned that on Monday and broke up with him. So we were together for 4 days. I know it's a VERY short amount of time but I did feel extremely close to him for some reason. These 4 days, we were talking a lot and felt that we connected so much...

 

Needless to say I was deeply hurt. I left the group on Monday with the intention of coming back when I was feeling better about it and when I could be friends with him. I know it's only Wednesday today but this is actually killing me! I want to join the group again but I really do NOT want to talk to him or see him on there talking, I can't see how I could ever be friends with him again.

 

I still have feelings for him. I try to see things as realistically as I can and know that I can't be with him because of his condition, but I still can't help it if I have feelings for him.

I honestly can't believe how much these 4 days affected me and how close to him I got. He has influenced me in my thinking, I have learnt stuff from him, I have felt like he is exactly the kind of person I would want if it wasn't for his condition.

 

From the first day we were together he told me he loved me, that he had never felt this way about anyone, he felt that we were meant to be together etc etc. But he could have been lying all along. He can't help it though, which is why I CAN'T be mad at him. I have to forgive him and be friends.

I can't be angry at what he did because he can't help it.

 

I dunno whether to wait more until I join the group again or just join it anyway and talk to him about how I still feel. I really want to join the group again but I don't know if it'd make me feel really bad, especially if I see him flirting with that other girl there again

God, this is awful! what do I do????

 

Sorry for this being too long!

[RedDress]

I was with you until you said this:

 

He can't help it though, which is why I CAN'T be mad at him. I have to forgive him and be friends.

I can't be angry at what he did because he can't help it.

 

No. I agree with a lot of what you said - but he CAN help it. While he may not feel empathy and he might not really FEEL what he's doing is wrong, that does not mean that he doesn't understand it intellectually.

 

If you watch interviews with Charles Manson (also a sociopath), he very much understands why they put him in jail. He knows the laws. He doesn't particularly feel guilty for it. But he knows society sees it as wrong.

 

I don't think you have to forgive this guy at all. He has a problem. He is aware of his problem. Instead of getting help for his problem and making sure that he conforms to what he intellectually knows is right and wrong - he just tramples on people. That's not cool.

 

First - I don't think you should attempt to be friends with someone who you have feelings for. Even less so for someone who announces that they are a sociopath and isn't doing what it takes to help himself.

 

I think you should feel sorry for him that he hasn't learned this life lesson (and it's not something you can guide him towards or anything). I don't think you have to be his friend.

 

I say, avoid the group until you can come to terms with this (and not actively want his friendship). Otherwise, you are simply hurting yourself.

[gabriella777]

 

I don't think you have to forgive this guy at all. He has a problem. He is aware of his problem. Instead of getting help for his problem and making sure that he conforms to what he intellectually knows is right and wrong - he just tramples on people. That's not cool.

 

 

It's very difficult to get treatment for his disorder though. He realises he has a problem, he did seek help in the past but it didn't much work for his disorder. (that's what he told me).

I want to believe that it's not something he can help I guess... how can sociopaths change?

 

I can't think of him as just an a**hole and not talk to him anymore. I don't want to. But at the same time I can't be with him.

 

It's heartbreaking because I care about him and I DO want him to be happy. I feel so confused about how I should feel about this now :S

[Kitkat973]

I want to believe that it's not something he can help I guess...

 

I can't think of him as just an a**hole and not talk to him anymore. I don't want to. But at the same time I can't be with him.

 

It's heartbreaking because I care about him and I DO want him to be happy. I feel so confused about how I should feel about this now :S

 

Regardless of his disorder, his actions do affect others, and they have affected you. I know that it's difficult to face that someone has done something like this, and it feels like his diagnosis is an explanation on why it happened that is outside of him, but people still choose their actions. He made the decision to do what he did, and as difficult as it is, this shows you how he would have behaved in the future.

 

My feeling is that you cannot disregard his actions because of his diagnosis. You can look at them and at him and see if it is something that you can deal with, but it's not something that is going to go away. Wanting him if only he would be X will only hurt you.

[somethngwrng]

Really? There are lots of nice guys out there looking for a relationship who don't have disorders that they can pin their actions on. You're dead set on going after a guy with sociopathy (also known as a psychopath). As the previous poster said, he chose his actions and he will do so again in the future. You choose your pain. Forget this guy and let him deal with his own problems before he brings you down with him.

[sidehop]

He cheated on you the day after you two became official. Whether he has these disorders or not the whole relationship just started with a lie.

 

You need to cut him loose and stay far away before you get hurt again.