Trying to rebuild or bailout?

[HappyCat]

We've been married for 16+ years. Over the years we were so busy w/kids and hectic jobs that we became distant. I gained weight and he withdrew. He came to me last September and told me he couldn't watch me kill myself with my weight and our marraige was over. For a month he came in and out of our house and finally decided to try and moved back in. I found out over the Holidays that he was seeing a much younger, prettier, and slimmer girl at his work during the month he was "in and out". (She is 17 years younger!)

 

He says its over but he sees her everyday and she still calls about work etc. I can't seem to get past the negative thoughts that something might still be going on. Meanwhile at our home we are more like roommates. I have lost 70 pounds and am beginning to regain some of my self-esteem. He does little to encourage me and tells me he is not romantically/sexually attracted to me at all. This makes me feel like I can never compete with the other woman and that erodes what self-esteem I am trying to regain.

 

How long do I try to awaken this dead horse? I feel like I owe it to my family to stick it out to try to make it work but staying I fear is what is/has helped to destroy my self-worth.

 

Can people who have affairs go backward and be friends? If I saw a few positive moves from him I could continue. I feel like I am shopping for apples in a shoe store. Some things just aren't in stock and will never be. I do not want to stay together for our kids. We all deserve better...

 

Help.

[Mike_Wazowski]

hey there happycat...Firstly let me say if your husband tells you that he is not romantically or sexually attracted to you at all...well, then he surely has No Respect for you and is definitely not a gentleman.

 

And about your husband and his girlfriend being able to take a step backward and just be friends is pretty impossible in my opinion. I base this on my own experiences with this type of situation. I had an affair, we called it quits, and for about a year it worked, we just stayed friends, but one day we happened to meet up after work(We worked together) and well....she said she missed me...then the next thing I knew, we were Knocking Da Boots.

 

Having sex forever changes two people....Impossible to return to a platonic relationship.

 

You've lost 70 pounds! That's awesome....keep it up, keep building your self confidence then find a new man to show it off too.....And I bet you when your Husband finds out that you may or maynot have a new Flame in your life, just watch him come crawling back begging to take him back...Then....YOU will have the Power to decide your own fate..Take him back or tell him to Kiss Off!

 

Good Luck to you!

[peanut15]

First of all, your husband needs to support you in some way or to give you some positive feedback. If he's not intersted now then that's his problem and you shouldn't do anything to make him interested. It sounds like he's just waiting for you to do things for him and yet, he's not willing to do anything for you.

 

My husband gained a lot of weight since we got married and I never withdrew from him. I was concerned about it yet and I told him but I never once stopped being attracted to him. I would always throw myself at him but many times he would reject me. My attraction towards him was more than just physical appearances. And then there was me, I am thin and even after 2 kids, it doesn't look like I have had kids. I had a lot of confidence and was always there for him. Yet he was the one who had the affair with someone with an average body, no personality, and no looks. I look at myself now and have no self esteem and no confidence at all. I wonder why with all that I had to offer, why he would go to someone like that. I look at myself now and think that I have to compete with someone like that other woman. Even though I know the affair is long over with and has been long before I even found out, it just kills me inside. I wonder why I gave so much and got nothing in return.

 

I am rebuilding my relationship with my husband only because he is truly sorry and he's trying everything to show me that I am the one that he's always wanted. Its hard for me to believe sometimes. I've only been married to him for over 5 years and I could easily just leave him as I think I'm still young enough to start over again...then again, you are never too old to start over anyway.

 

Your husband really needs to show you he wants to be in the marriage. Then he also tells you that he's not attracted to you romantically. That is something I couldn't live with either because I need needs fulfilled too. I want to be with someone who shows me support and love (emotionally and sexually).

 

Its all up to you and I think you know what you want. I know its hard considering you have had a life together for so long. But you do need better...

[HappyCat]

Thank you for the kind words. In all areas in my life I am pretty comfortable...job, kids, friends....but when I think of him I feel like I am something he puts up with for the kids. I feel worthless and that no matter how much healthier and in shape I get it will never be good enough. As I recapture parts of my self-esteem I think that I put so much of myself into this family that I lost myself. I feel like he maybe never was the partner I needed. (believe me i am not high maintenance but a little support and affection would be nice).

 

The co-worker will not go away so I guess I have to learn to deal with that. He also tells me I am crazy for being so worried about her. I am beginning to get tired of feeling like all the changes are coming from my side of the fence.

 

Are there really people out there that start over at 40? I guess I might be more afraid of "change" than of losing him.

 

Take Care---

 

"Barn's burnt down...now I can see the Moon"

[mscolly]

Your story reminded me of my own, except for a couple of, I believe, crucial differences.

 

After 24 yrs of knowing my wife, 18 yrs of marriage and 5 kids, I discovered that she'd had an affair, over a period of a year or so with a man 20 years her younger. I can't even begin to describe the pain, the sense of having been stabbed in the back by my wife, of having been lied to for a period so long. It hurt. But, despite (even more probably because of) that event, we now have a relationship that is 100x better than before. At times we feel like newly-weds!

 

The crucial differences here are the fact that I know my wife suffered in that year in a way that I don't understand (she has most of the msn logs for me to see, and she kept a diary that screams out her pain). As she can't understand my hurt, I can't even begin to understand how she was torn in two during that affair. She never stopped loving me, of that I'm sure, she was overwhelmed by something she thought she was proof against. I can (begin) to understand what she felt like, and the why's. But, she broke off 100% with this man, and then told me everything, immediately, any detail, all of it. She suffered seeing me suffer. It wasn't all roses, 6 months have gone since she told me and only now can I begin to not feel twinges when I remember certain things or imagine cetain images, but we're still here, fighting.

 

Your husband doesn't show any of these sorts of attitudes. He doesn't say he always was and still is in love with you. He doesn't support you. He hasn't cut off all possible contact with this girl (at the cost of changing his job). He offers you no hope.

 

I'm catholic, I don't know if you were married in church and if you're cristian too. It goes against all my principles, but humanly I would have to tell you that your husband doesn't seem at all interested in making your marriage work. Please note, I'm not blaming anyone. Perhaps he's felt for years that he was not #1 in your heart, there were the children, the house, all sorts of things that came higher on your priority list than he did. Perhaps there were other problems between you two. Perhaps you got married for all the wrong reasons.

 

Please, by all means, take time to decide. There are the kids involved, a new life to construct, endless details to attend to. But you could face all that as an adventure, as a way of proving to yourself that you're worth something, whatever your husband thinks or says. You've lost 70 pounds, I don't know if it was the emotional stress or a determined diet, but I'm sure you look at yourself in the mirror now and see someone that could well be desirable to the right man. I'm sorry for your husband really, he probably won't realise what he's lost until it's too late. Don't stay with him for the wrong reasons, you'll hate him, you'll hate yourself. Decide if you want to risk everything to stay with him, or without him. The risks are there on both sides, but the risks are also similar to the potential rewards. I vote for a new life (against my personal beliefs and against my own experience).

[Mun]

Hi Happycat,

It is never too late to start over. Look at yourself ! You were able to lose 70 lbs. , now that's quite an accomplishment.

 

Sweetie you are just too special to waste any more of your time. You can't make this marriage work all by yourself. If your husband has no remorse and no desire to leave that affair, then you have no choice but to look out for your own best interest.

 

Start by loving yourself. Recapture the person you once were or become the person you were meant to be. Sixteen years of marriage is a long time and I can see how the daily routine and stress can take its toll on a woman. Find yourself again. I think it's just as important to change the inside ( how you feel) as it is to change on the outside. One reflects the other.

 

Have you gone in and gotten yourself that new hairdo to go with the new body? Do it, looking good is as important as feeling good. You should always look your best, especially at this difficult time. A couple of pretty, sexy outfits wouldn't hurt either Reward yourself for your weight loss--treat yourself a bit girl--you earned it !

 

Cat, remind yourself daily that YOU deserve the best. You deserve respect and love. Believe this. Don't allow anyone to treat you with disrespect. When someone pushes you aside, you walk away, you don't stay there hoping they will change their mind. Sometimes your dignity is the last thing you have left, but from that foundation you can start rebuilding again.

 

Keep your chin up girl.

[mb37kids]

Oh boy can I can relate completely. I am going to be 39 this year and am in exactly the same cirumstances that you are -minus the husband's extra curricular activites. I am both afraid of being on my one but believe that I could do it if I have to. What am I afraid of though: social stigma, less money, upsetting the children?

Someone once said to me to flip a coin! You have two choices-stay or leave. As the coin is in the air, IF you want it to land one way or the other than your choice is made before the coin even hits your hand or the floor!

You deserve a life that makes you happy (should take my own advice) and it may not be with your husband.