Hurt all over again :(

[angelsgal]

Some of you may have seen my previous posts about dealing with my breakup and handling NC. Here's the story:

 

Anyway, I maintained NC until the ex-BF started calling and emailing me, and dropping by places where I was going to be. Finally I agreed to meet with him to talk and it went very well. I even thought he just needed to do some more thinking and he would want to get back together with me. So I stupidly started taking his calls and being friendly to him again.

 

I invited him over to my house for cards (lots of other people were going too!) and he showed up early. Again, I assumed this was a positive response and that he was going to ask me to stay afterwards and say "let's get back together again". Instead he starts with the small talk and when I asked him why he came over, he said, "We always have so much fun together and others are coming to....it will be fun". Before I could say anything, several other people showed up and I didn't want to deal with it in front of them, so I said nothing.

 

I was doing so well until these "talks" began. Now I feel like I'm right back where I was 6 weeks ago.....alone & miserable. (And I'm normally such an upbeat person too!) He's confusing me so much that I decided to go back on NC again.....even if it means not doing things that I love just to ensure that I don't run into him (something I refused to do weeks ago). I am just so tired and drained emotionally, and I'm having a hard time dealing with this the second time around.

 

It sounds like he just wants to be friends, even though I've told him twice that I didn't want to be friends with him. But I also feel stupid for thinking that he wants to get back together with me just because he is calling me all the time! Does anyone have any thoughts on this and how I can deal with it?

[lisaria]

Hi angelsgal,

It seems like the NC worked better for you. This being friends is bs until you can handle it without wanting anything more from him. It's tough, but seeing him and talking to him is just hurting you. Don't let him do that.

[life_can_be_painful]

there are two things happening...

 

1. he's being possessive and wants to be there to know whats going on in your life, for example, seeing if you are talking to other guys or finding your own happiness and such.

 

2. He wants you to be in this confused state, because he doesn't want you to be happy with anyone else. But at the same time, it seems pretty clear that he doesn't want to be trapped in a relationship.

 

I doubt that he loves you, because he doesn't act that way.

 

My suggestion, do the NC. But permanently. You don't need someone like that in your life and its clear that he hasn't got any good intentions, doesn't care about your feelings, let alone understand them.

 

You don't need this person.

 

 

Good luck

life

[LostAngel]

Hi angelsgal

 

KEEP THE NC GOING -HE NEEDS TIME TO MISS YOU

(HE IS TAKING YOU FOR GRANTED BY JUST BEING WITH YOU BECAUSE

IT'S FUN)

 

IF YOU LET HIM CARRY ON LIKE THIS -YOU WILL NEVER GET HIM BACK

 

HE NEEDS TO KNOW HOW MISERABLE HIS LIFE IS WITHOUT YOU!!!

 

JUST TRY THIS --I GUARANTEE IT WILL WORK!!!

GIVE HIM AS MUCH SPACE AS YOU CAN...

 

(I DID NOT TAKE SOME OF THE ADVICE GIVEN TO ME & I AM BACK TO WHERE I STARTED --NOW MY EX IS NOT EVEN TALKING TO ME)

 

You can read my post & see WHY IF YOU DON'T GIVE HIM SPACE

YOU MIGHT JUST LOSE HIM...

 

My post -"I'm not sure what to do -I JUST WANT TO BE WITH HIM"

IN "GETTING BACK TOGETHER"

 

HOPE I WAS OF SOME HELP

 

LostAngel

[trishcollins]

I agree with all the responses. Particularly about NC. When one person wants to get back together and the other just wants to be friends -- it DOESN'T work. You just end up getting hurt every time you see him or talk to him. I know from personal experience that it becomes a vicious cycle -- and the more upset you get, the more likely you are to say or do something to push them further out of your life. The best thing to do is walk away and give them the space to see what they are missing. It's not fair to you to be expected to be there to appease their guilt or to be their friend and amuse them.

 

If it is meant to be, he will be back. Otherwise, as hard as it is, it's best to just move on. The sooner you can get through this the better. "Trying" to be friends will just drag out the pain. I know, I did it for 18 months after my breakup 7 years ago. It was awful. This time, I invoked NC after the first three weeks, and so far I have stuck to it. It's really hard, but I know if he wants me back, he knows where to find me. I don't want to end up going through another 18 months of pain, only to find out that there is no hope in hell of a reconciliation. He wanted to be friends because he liked me -- nothing wrong with that -- but I had other motives and eventually it became clear that it was never going to happen. What a waste of time an energy. I won't let this happen again.

[Blue Skittles]

NC is good - as painful as it is, trust me. I know its hard - I am going through this NC bit myself - With 2 guys - cuz I went through one breakup right after another. Ugh.

 

Anyways - best just to put it in the past - I don't speak to any of my exes even though we had such great times together - It just ended up being easier to not speak to each other. The hardest part of having contact is that deep down u are trying to get back together with him and, its so painful when u hear things about his life like him having another girlfriend, etc.

 

You know its gonna be rough at first - but u will appreciate having done it in the end, when u are healed. You can't possibly give yourself time to heal if u are still seeing him and talking to him all the time.

 

Wishing u all the best..

[rich46]

Trish, your post has just reinforced my opinion that I have done the right thing, so thankyou for that. I tried to be "best friends" with my ex for 1 week after the split and it was impossible. So I told her that I am giving her this "time and space" to be "single for a while," as it is too difficult for me to be friends right now. Like you said, she'll come back to me if it was meant to be...she has my number! In the meantime I can try and rebuild my life without having to worry about her going out, or analysing her every word. Thanks again.

[angelsgal]

It seems like the NC worked better for you. This being friends is bs until you can handle it without wanting anything more from him. It's tough, but seeing him and talking to him is just hurting you. Don't let him do that.

 

The thing is....I don't think that I can ever be friends with him. I tried to do the "friendly" thing with him by chatting to him whenever I saw him, but I wasn't doing anything other than hurting myself because I do still want him in my life as a boyfriend. Until I can get past that feeling, I would rather not be around him.

 

I don't know what's worse.....never seeing him or having to deal with all the "small talk" from him if I did.

[trishcollins]

Believe me, the "small talk" is much harder than never seeing him again.

[angelsgal]

there are two things happening...

 

1. he's being possessive and wants to be there to know whats going on in your life, for example, seeing if you are talking to other guys or finding your own happiness and such.

 

2. He wants you to be in this confused state, because he doesn't want you to be happy with anyone else. But at the same time, it seems pretty clear that he doesn't want to be trapped in a relationship.

 

 

Thank you, Life! That's a new perspective on the situation that I haven't considered before. It's like he's keeping me on this emotional string so that I can't move on with my life.

[angelsgal]

When one person wants to get back together and the other just wants to be friends -- it DOESN'T work. You just end up getting hurt every time you see him or talk to him. The best thing to do is walk away and give them the space to see what they are missing. It's not fair to you to be expected to be there to appease their guilt or to be their friend and amuse them.

 

If it is meant to be, he will be back. Otherwise, as hard as it is, it's best to just move on. The sooner you can get through this the better. "Trying" to be friends will just drag out the pain. I know, I did it for 18 months after my breakup 7 years ago. It was awful. What a waste of time an energy. I won't let this happen again.

 

Trish,

I guess I stopped doing the NC before I was ready to deal with him. I did think that he wanted me back (as his GF) and that's why when he first contacted me after doing NC, I agreed to meet with him. Maybe during that first talk, I should have just asked him if he wanted me in his life as his GF or as friends only, then at least I would know one way or the other. It's hard not knowing either way, but I'm not strong enough to ask him that.

 

Angel

[trishcollins]

Got with your gut feeling. I always figure if you are afraid to ask, you probably already know the answer.

[angelsgal]

KEEP THE NC GOING -HE NEEDS TIME TO MISS YOU

(HE IS TAKING YOU FOR GRANTED BY JUST BEING WITH YOU BECAUSE IT'S FUN)

 

IF YOU LET HIM CARRY ON LIKE THIS -YOU WILL NEVER GET HIM BACK

 

HE NEEDS TO KNOW HOW MISERABLE HIS LIFE IS WITHOUT YOU!!!

 

quote]

 

Great points! When I first started doing NC, I was getting stronger and felt like I was moving on with my life. Then, when I saw him again for the first time since the breakup, it was like getting hit with a ton of bricks. Talk about back-pedaling. At least if I stop doing some of my normal activities for a while, I avoid him trying to make a "chance" meeting happen between us for small "friendly" talk. If he wants to have a real talk with me, then he knows where to find me.

[angelsgal]

I don't speak to any of my exes even though we had such great times together - It just ended up being easier to not speak to each other. The hardest part of having contact is that deep down u are trying to get back together with him and, its so painful when u hear things about his life like him having another girlfriend, etc.

 

You know its gonna be rough at first - but u will appreciate having done it in the end, when u are healed. You can't possibly give yourself time to heal if u are still seeing him and talking to him all the time.

 

 

Thanks Blue! The thought of hearing about any new women in his life.....well.....that's something that I can't handle right now, and I don't want to! (I've had nightmares about it). And I know I don't want to just be friends with him when I want so much more. I want it all, or nothing. Either he wants me in his life as his GF or he stays out of my life altogether. At this time I'm not emotionally stable enough to have him tell me that he just wants to be friends, so doing NC will be much better.

[angelsgal]

 

Rich,

I didn't try and be friends with my ex, but I'm sure to him, it probably looked that way since I broke NC. I agree with all the posts that said it's impossible to be friends with an ex if you still have feelings for them. If my ex started telling me about some new girl he started dating, I'd probably lose it. There's no way I can handle hearing about that.

 

Angel

[angelsgal]

Believe me, the "small talk" is much harder than never seeing him again.

 

I just have to keep reminding myself how I felt when he was "small talking" me, when I really wanted him to have a REAL conversation with me about our relationship.

[angelsgal]

Go with your gut feeling. I always figure if you are afraid to ask, you probably already know the answer.

 

And that's probably why I never asked the question. Sub-consciously, I know what he's going to say and I realize that I'm not ready to hear it yet so I have to get to the point where I'm strong enough to handle it. Or would it be better not to have the conversation with him at all, no matter how strong I am feeling?

[ReneinDC]

Trish I couldn't agree more with your statements! I'm in this vicious cycle myself and trying to be his friend when I want more is only interferring with my process to heal and find someone else worthy. Only problem is.. he wont leave me alone.. yet he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. I'm about to change my phone numbers today because this simply must end once and for all! Thank you for your post it really hit home to me

[lisaria]

That's the thing about staying in contact with them, they never talk about what you want to, the important stuff. They'll keep it light and "friendly" which will just drive you up the wall. AND it hurts! It's not like they don't know what you want to talk about, they just pretend they don't.

 

The way you are feeling right now, you just need to drop any contact with him. You aren't strong enough, believe me, I'm still there. I dread...absolutely dread seeing the ex, much less being friendly with him. He can't give you what you need and want right now, let him go, at least until you've worked on yourself.

 

You were feeling stronger until he popped back into the picture and it just put you back to the beginning. You are giving him too much power over you. Take it back girl. You will feel so much better and stronger if you take control. It's tough as so many of us here know. But if it will make you feel better then do it, seeing him is not doing it for you.

 

I wish you the best of luck. Hang in there, you'll get through this and feel so much stronger and wiser.

lisaria

[angelsgal]

I'm in this vicious cycle myself and trying to be his friend when I want more is only interferring with my process to heal and find someone else worthy. Only problem is.. he wont leave me alone.. yet he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. I'm about to change my phone numbers today because this simply must end once and for all! Thank you for your post it really hit home to me

 

Rene,

You're much stronger than I am! I caved in (gave him power over me) when I responded to his emails/calls. If I would have just stuck to my guns and maintained the NC, I wouldn't be feeling so miserable and alone right now. My problem is the battle between my head (which tells me to forget him & move on) and my heart (which tells me that there's still a chance for us). I have to find a way to get them in balance or I'll never be able to move on with my life.

 

Angel

[ReneinDC]

Awwww I'm so sorry you are going thru this AG.. I'm sorry we're all going thru this! I couldn't agree more about the battle with balance between our hearts and our heads which is why I have to get extremely tough and make sure he doesn't interfere with my healing.. I'm making about me this time not about HIS wants. I too caved in before I healed and I'm right back where I was.. hurting all over again. I've filtered his emails to go into a folder so that I dont see his name.. and changing my numbers will help me get out of the cycle. He is a commitment phobe thru and thru and it's a hopeless situation which is why I have to do everything to protect myself now. I suggest you take a hard stance yourself and put the energy into healing.. make it about YOU! It's funny.. when I implement NC.. he is all up my behind texting me all day etc etc but when I let my guard down.. then he's seeking attention elsewhere and I dont exist.. classic commitment phobe and who needs that?? I wish you the best of luck dear! Remember it's time to be selfish and put yourself first!

 

I'm in this vicious cycle myself and trying to be his friend when I want more is only interferring with my process to heal and find someone else worthy. Only problem is.. he wont leave me alone.. yet he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. I'm about to change my phone numbers today because this simply must end once and for all! Thank you for your post it really hit home to me

 

Rene,

You're much stronger than I am! I caved in (gave him power over me) when I responded to his emails/calls. If I would have just stuck to my guns and maintained the NC, I wouldn't be feeling so miserable and alone right now. My problem is the battle between my head (which tells me to forget him & move on) and my heart (which tells me that there's still a chance for us). I have to find a way to get them in balance or I'll never be able to move on with my life.

 

Angel

[angelsgal]

That's the thing about staying in contact with them, they never talk about what you want to, the important stuff. They'll keep it light and "friendly" which will just drive you up the wall. AND it hurts! It's not like they don't know what you want to talk about, they just pretend they don't.

 

ITA!! And that is what's driving me absolutely CRAZY!! It's like being on an emotional roller coaster.

 

 

The way you are feeling right now, you just need to drop any contact with him. You aren't strong enough, believe me, I'm still there. I dread...absolutely dread seeing the ex, much less being friendly with him. He can't give you what you need and want right now, let him go, at least until you've worked on yourself.

 

I actually have friends who are telling me that I need to confront the ex immediately and tell him to stay out of my life. They don't understand that I can't handle doing that right now. I'm glad there are people like you out there who have been through it and can understand how I'm feeling.

 

 

You were feeling stronger until he popped back into the picture and it just put you back to the beginning. You are giving him too much power over you. Take it back girl. You will feel so much better and stronger if you take control. It's tough as so many of us here know. But if it will make you feel better then do it, seeing him is not doing it for you.

 

Your words mean so much to me!! I do feel like I am giving him power over me and that's why doing NC is so important to me right now. I have to take that power back in order to make myself stronger for dealing with it in the future.

[angelsgal]

I suggest you take a hard stance yourself and put the energy into healing.. make it about YOU! It's funny.. when I implement NC.. he is all up my behind texting me all day etc etc but when I let my guard down.. then he's seeking attention elsewhere and I dont exist.. classic commitment phobe and who needs that?? I wish you the best of luck dear! Remember it's time to be selfish and put yourself first!

 

 

That's exactly what my ex is doing to me! As soon as I implemented NC, he began calling & emailing me constantly, but once I responded, he took off running again. He's also a classic commitment phobe and you're right! I don't need that! I definitely have to put myself first, but that's hard for me since I tend to put other people's wants & needs above my own. (Part of the problem with my relationship with him). Any suggestions?

[ReneinDC]

Our love of them cannot fix nor change them these are deep seated issues within them that will keep them from loving unless they seek help for their issues.. which is why we must run to the nearest exist! And the more energy you spend trying to love commitmentphobes then we will be blinded towards the actual good people that come into our paths. I personally suggest you block his number *ask the phone company how you do this* and set his emails to go into a folder or even the trash and keep yourself busy busy busy because it's going to be very rough but you know this already. The days will get easier trust me and you will come to a point where you'll be like "god I cant believe I wasted energy on that fool" I signed up for karate class and I'm going to start doing volunteer work at an animal shelter in my spare time. I'm going to give my love to those who need and want it.. not to someone who's not capable of wanting my love nor loving.

 

I suggest you take a hard stance yourself and put the energy into healing.. make it about YOU! It's funny.. when I implement NC.. he is all up my behind texting me all day etc etc but when I let my guard down.. then he's seeking attention elsewhere and I dont exist.. classic commitment phobe and who needs that?? I wish you the best of luck dear! Remember it's time to be selfish and put yourself first!

 

 

That's exactly what my ex is doing to me! As soon as I implemented NC, he began calling & emailing me constantly, but once I responded, he took off running again. He's also a classic commitment phobe and you're right! I don't need that! I definitely have to put myself first, but that's hard for me since I tend to put other people's wants & needs above my own. (Part of the problem with my relationship with him). Any suggestions?