I need of some advice on my breakup with my girlfriend

[jimb2k]

Hi Everyone,

 

I have recently just broken up with my girlfriend and I am looking for some advice. We broke up 4 weeks ago.

 

We were together for almost 2 years and in that time we were both very happy most of the time until the last few weeks of the relationship when most of the time we were arguing or snapping at each other.

 

This is going to be a long story do bear with me...................

 

Before we started the relationship we were very close friends. We saw each other almost everday and we would confide in each other. At this time she was engaged and living with another guy. However, she was very unhappy in that relationship for a long time before it finished.

 

I backed of a little when their relationship was turning really bad because the guy was accusing me and her of being at it behind his back. Which we were not. Anyway, a few weeks after their relationship finished she started to call me and come round to where I was hanging out with my friends. A few weeks past and the friendship we had turned into us going out.

 

We discussed how we felt about each other and low and behold she had liked me for a very long time, just like I had liked her. She had told her friends her feelings for me long before her relationship finished. The only reason she didn't finish the other relationship sooner was due to the fact they were engaged and they had a house together. She felt like she had to give it a go due to how deep they were involved even though she knew it was never going to work.

 

3-4 weeks into the relationship and there was a major problem. I had suspicions that she may be pregnant. Not to me but to her previous partner. My Suspicions proved true after I convinced her to take a pregnancy test. At this time I backed off. Not to the extent of ending the relationship but enough to allow her space to figure out what she was going to do. I had to let her make her own mind up without me influencing her decision. She decided her feelings for me were so strong that she chose to have an abortion as if she decided to keep the baby she wouldn't have made me stick around to bring up someone elses child. I supported her through this time, taking her to hospital and being their for her. This made the relationship stronger.

 

Time went by and 9 months later I was feeling suffocated. We were still seeing each other everyday and I had began to lose contact with my friends. I asked her for some space to sort my head out. She was devasted but she respected my wishes and she never contacted me. It only took me a couple of days to sort myself out so I called her up and we talked about things and sorted it out. I asked for some time with my friends which she agreed to. It turned out that I would see my friends on a Thursday and Friday and see her the rest of the week. This routine continued right up until the end of the relationship.

 

Over the last few months of the relationship we were never out enjoying oursleves in social environments. This was largely due to the fact that money was tight for both of us. I had to clear my debt I had and she had just bought a flat 2 minutes walk from where I stay so she could be closer to me. (I still live with my mum and she was living with her dad). We were both becoming bored of the routine which led to us arguing. It all came to head one night when we were arguing, both in self defense mode,both of us trying to be heard but neither of us listening. I told her to just forget about the whole thing and end the relationship. She turned around and said "well remember, nobody will give you as much security as I did" and then stormed out. I sat in my room and thought about what had just happened. I expected her to call me as every time we had an argument she would be the fisrt one to call to sort it out. Guess what? no phone call. I waited for 2 hours and she never phoned, so I called her. She seemed to be quite together when I spoke to her. I told her that I didn't mean what I had said and we could sort this out. She just kept on saying she didn't think it was going to work out. The phone call lasted 2 hours and still her answer at the end of it was no. I was devasted to say the least.

 

I called her the next morning and she agreed to me going round to her flat at night to discuss things. I went round and for about 90 mins we talked with both of us shedding tears. I aired my feelings and she aired hers. Finally, she said she still loved me and still wanted to be with me so we were going to give it another go. She even asked if I wanted to stay their that night, which I did. The next day I called her at lunch time which I normally did anyway and everything was fine. She asked if I wanted her to call me later on which I agreed to. She called me at about 4.45pmand again everything was fine. The conversation lasted about 25 mins. I asked her how sure she was about this and she replied as sure as she can be. The conversation ended and I thought everything was ok. 35mins later she turned up at my house. She came up to me gave me a big hug and started crying. I asked her if everything was ok and she said she couldn't do this. Something had changed inside and it wasn't fair on me to lead me on if her feelings had changed. She said that she felt it was better we went our separate ways and then she ran out of the house. I ran after her but when I caught her she pulled away from me saying " please, don't make this any harder than it already is". So I had to let her go.

 

Over the next week I contacted her 5-6 times trying to reason with her, trying to express why I had acted the way I had, trying to get another chance. She just kept saying it was to late and she loved me but she wasn't in love with me. She said that she needed her space to be on her own and that she didn't want a relationship right now.

 

Now before we split up she had used my credit card to purchase some stuff. She was still due this bill and we agreed on a way for her to pay it off. She was getting a credit card off her own so when it came she said she would phone me and come to my house to transfer the balance. She phoned and she came up to pay the bill. When she came round I put on a happier attitude and kept smiling. She said that I seemed better. I told her yes that I was. I said that I had thought about things and I agreed with her that the relationship was not going to work and that I felt bad for her for what I put her thorugh the last few months. I told her she deserves much better and I wished her well. She said that she wasn't interested in anybody else ans that it wasn't all my fault. She said that she suffocated me and it was no wonder I pushed her away. We ended on a good note but there was a problem transferring the balance so she said she would phone me when she got the money and she would bring it round.

 

I didn't contact her for 10 days. She then phoned me at work saying their was a problem getting the full £150.00. She could only get £100.00 just now and she would get the other £50.00 next month. I said that it was alright. She said she could bring it up that night but I said to her if it would be alright to bring it up the following night as I was busy. She said okay that wasn't problem.

 

I wasn't busy, but I didn't want it to make it look like I was going to drop everything the moment she called. I done it in a polite way nothing nasty.

 

She came up the following night and I decided I would get dressed up in my smart gear as if I was going out. She came to the door and she looked quite surprised. She said "Have you got a hot date tonight" and she was curious about where I was going. We again ended on a good note with her saying "have a good night". Now I wasn't going out for a drink but I told her I was. I made it look like I was going out and enjoying myself because I knew she had been going out clubbing with her sister.

 

Two nights later and I was going out with my mate for a drink. Guess who I saw? She came accross to me and said hello and i said hello back and then she walked away. About 15 mins later she came back up to me and said she didn't want this to be awkward but she felt this was this best way. I agreed with her and we stood and spoke for about 5mins. She was dancing next to me and we had a light cheery conversation. She then went back over to her friends and I went the opposite way with mine. I made it look like I was enjoying myself just incase she happened to look over. She was up dancing but with no guys (which I felt good about) and she left when the last song came on which was a smoochy love song.

 

Now I know it is a lot to read but I need some advice.

 

I haven't contacted her since we saw each other on Sunday night. I have heard nothing from her either. It is her birthday in two weeks. Do I send her a card and present, just a card or nothing? I am not due to see her now until the middle of May when she is going to bring the remaining £50.00 to me. What is your reading on this situation?

 

I am moving on slowly with my life. I am joining a gym, I am going out socialising with friends etc. I have had interest from 3-4 other stunning girls when I've been out but I love her so much that I want her back. Please give me some advice. I know I have to let her go if she is ever to come back, but will she?

 

Cheers

 

 

 

[paul475]

Somebody out there has a good-old-fashioned NORMAL relationship in early adulthood!! Praise God, praise Jesus, praise Buddah, praise Allah, praise Amon-Ra, praise every friggin' god in the book!

 

What was your secret??

 

I don't mean to make light of your situation because I know these feelings are oh-so-tender at the moment, but you have no idea how fortunate you are to be experiencing such normal feelings. But I think I can help you gain some perspective here.

 

First, let me get the good stuff out of the way.

 

1. You located a woman who has some good character traits. Alot of women would simply blow you off and justify not paying you a dime/pence. If you succeeded in finding a good woman once, you can do it again. And that is because YOU are a person of good character. That's hard to appreciate, especially since you have always hung out with YOU, but it might be time to give yourself some appreciation in this regard.

 

The folks we attract and who are attracted to us, regardless of our efforts, are the folks who are very much like us in values, beliefs and habits. If you think I'm kidding, go to a "lonely hearts" meeting some time and listen to the stories. Some guys will unwittingly choose to go out with women who have recently attempted suicide. Five times in a row! And all this strife and anguish was required before they realized that the magnet for this crap was hidden inside themselves in places they simply chose not to look at...for OBVIOUS reasons.

 

2. You are both very thoughtful people. Considerate. Confused, perhaps due to youth, but considerate. I can hear and feel the struggle in what you shared. On both sides.

 

3. When you lost your temper with her, she ran away and spurned your attentions and affections until she got her bearings back. Had she listened to your pining horse manure as to why you lost control of yourself, she would not be worth much to you as a person.

 

4. When YOU became confused and overwhelmed by your feelings, you asked for some time and space to sort things out. This is a remarkable and admirable achievement. You clearly needed more time, of course, but that you SLOWED down, rather than speeded up, your relationship is very worthy behavior. Quite healthy. That she accommodated you, or at least tried to, is also a sign of respect and good character.

 

5. You are asking for help right now. Your feelings are overwhelming you and are feeling pulled in multiple directions, unable to sort things through. This is also healthy behavior.

 

Okay, that's all the good stuff I can remember that impressed me. If you read some of the stories up here, you begin to wonder if there is such a thing as a reasonably healthy adult anymore.

 

Now here are some opportunities for improvement or paths toward enlightenment.

 

1. The abortion thing concerns me. A person of otherwise good character would only attempt this solution once. Abortion is a nasty business and it involves the individual extinguishing hope for humanity, in general, and for their situation, in particular. This can't be anything like a regular medical procedure. And from what I understand about how women think and feel, this action will come back to haunt her later. You, also. If you ever have children of your own, that is. Infants are infants, it doesn't matter who the biological father was.

 

It doesn't take much to be a sperm-donor. It takes some serious muscles to be a parent and a father.

 

2. The hanging-on with her fiance because of a material possession. Depending on age and experience, this is a forgiveable offense, because age and wisdom would contraindicate allowing anything like a house to stand between her greater self esteem and her painful circumstances. It was deception, however, pure and simple, and if she did it to FAVOR you, she can also do it in your DISFAVOR.

 

The poet Maya Angelou said it best: "When someone shows you who they are for the first time, believe them."

 

3. You are not paying attention to issues of character in your partnership selection criteria. Being young means being hormonally challenged, which distracts a person from paying attention to what is actually important in a relationship, and crucial in a partnership arrangement that is expected to last at least 7 or more years. Your 20's are FOR establishing and maintaining good personal habits. So keep a mental list whenever you're in a dating situation. If they fall off the "partnership list", they fall into the, "short term relationship, low expectations list." If they seem unable to deal with that classification from you ina healthy way, you don't feel comfortable in their presense, or they are just plain obnoxious, they fall off the "short term" list and into the, "do not call, do not write, do not give your phone number to," list. In fact, if they don't seem to be good partnership choices, don't give out your phone number.

 

Another clue: if they are quick to give out their phone number, they go immediately to the, "short term," list. And that's because they are in too big a hurry to enmesh themselves in someone else's life. If they can't stand being alone with themselves, how is anyone else expected to be comfortable with them, either?

 

Here's a plan for remediating a situation where there is confusion as to the functionality of the relationship: two weeks, zero contact, zero drive-bys, zero hang-up phone calls, zero showing up to places where they might be, nothing. At the end of those two weeks, the agreement is to come together on neutral turf and decide which direction the relationship is going to go.

 

If the agreement is to move forward as a couple, the next evaluation time is at 90 days. If at that time either party does not feel that the relationship is worthy of any further investment (because of the down-time required to be restored to pre-coupled sanity), you break it off at that point. Period. You move on with your lives.

 

At six months it is time to decide whether or not to consider a partnership or living together arrangement. If you've been struggling to get along or agree on much of anything, or there's been alot of emotional instability with either party, opt out. Trust me, there are better problems to be had in this big, wide world. It may feel personal, but it really isn't. Better to hope for 4 happy people than 2 very miserable ones.

 

The last point I want to touch on is your ages. If you both decide to couple and make a go of it, this means that you are foresaking all others for quite some time. This is not the most compassionate or self-loving choice to make at this stage of your lives. It is better to set sail and travel the seas of your experience, learn your patterns, become comfortable with the ones you appreciate, and discard the ones that aren't working for you. In this way, you are less apt to feel like your hormones trapped you into commiting to a relationship that wasn't quite as entincing as you once thought it was.

 

Coming together as friends who have really tried to live their lives makes for a much better coupling than the kind that happens when two uncertain or insecure people bond, get some strength, and then start questioning themselves mercilessly until everyone becomes uncomfortable.

 

I don't know if this woman will work out for you. It really doesn't matter. You have alot to offer a woman, and will have more the longer you wait. Time is on your side, period. As women age, they LOSE power while men GAIN it. So be compassionate for her need to strut her stuff for a while. She won't always be as beautiful as she is today.

 

When it comes to pretty women, keep your hand on your wallet. If you're not getting a good, interesting or enticing value for your time, shove off. There are plenty of fish in the sea.

 

4. You both seem young. You both seem to have positive feelings for one another, but you need to remember that I am seeing with your eyes at the moment. There is still a possibility that this woman is not quite the maiden I've understood her to be.