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Please advice - lost and confused


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Please advice - lost and confused


I am a single mother and my son is 2 years old. My son's father left us about one and half years a go and even during the times that we were together he was not around my son that much. I got the divorces finalised about 3 months a go and never asked for any compensation or child maintenance. After the divorce my life has been very peaceful however i am very worried as to what i could say when my son asks about his father. I got the full custody of my son, however, my ex husband has given the visitation hours but cannot take my son alone without me having around. up until today he never came to see his son and i am sure even in the future he wouldn't and in a way i am happy about this as my ex is a bisexual and he cheated on me with other men. also he is a narcissistic and no empathy whats or ever towards me and my feelings and very good in bad mouthing about me for the mistakes in his life. I am very glad that the judge understood the situation and i got the full custody of my son however, i am worried now as to how to the face to the questions that my little son would ask when he starts realizing that others have dads but not him and where his dad etc. can someone please advice me how to handle those questions. also would love to hear from those who are in similar situations and those who grew up without a father and how they felt about it. my son is all i got and i do not want him to suffer because of a bad decision ti took in terms of choosing my husband.

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Hi Dilmi

I am in the same situation as you. My daughter was 6 months old when her father decided he did not want to be a father to her. I have also since, worried about what to tell her.

I vowed that I would tell her the truth. She is now 8 years old and has only now begun to ask whether she has a "Dad" or not. I have explained to her that of course she has a dad and have told her the truth, that he didn't want to be a father.

I think it is important that your son is told the truth, (although I think it will be some time before he really asks too much). It is also important to make sure your son does not think it is anyway his fault. That it would have been the same, regardless. Try not to speak badly of his father but at the same time don't let your son put him on a pedestal. As long as he knows that, and that you are there for him no matter what, I think he will accept the situation.

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The fact that he is bisexual and the fact that he cheated on you has nothing to do with the relationship that he should have with his son. There must be more to the story, the courts must have felt that he was a danger to his son if the visits needed to be supervised. For the time being he doesn't need to know about the problems that you had with your ex, essentially that is between you and your ex and he doesn't need to be involved in that anyways. Still it is a difficult thing to try to explain that the father doesn't want anything to do with his son.

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Hi Dilmi, That's a tall order... but here is a fragment.


Disclaimer: No one can predict the future or tell you what to do. That said…there are common threads that run between all of us. So here’s a hypothetical.


Only after several insistent "whys" answer...


Son - But why?


You – People have free will and can choose their paths in life. Your Father chose his path.


Son - His path makes me unhappy.


You – I know it does Son.


Son - I don’t understand he doesn’t seem to be happy either. Why would he choose to be unhappy?

(Don’t worry about this dilmi… I can guarantee you he’ll will have plenty of life regrets.)


You – I know, it doesn’t make sense to me either.


Son - I don't understand...doesn't he love me?


You - Sure he does but that does not take away his right to make choices.


Son - Okay, I think I understand.


You - Good, you’re still young one day you will fully understand and have the chance to make your own choices.


Son -You know Mom when I make my choices they we’ll be like yours.


You – Thank you son. Now are you ready for dinner?


Son – You bet…I love you Mom.

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I think Lester's post is a good one. I was thinking basically the same thing - to tell your son that it's his father's choice and it's not his fault (your son) and that he does love him but sometimes some people can't fulfil the roles they're in. Lester's post is better.


Good luck and take care.

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