Jump to content

Recommended Posts

Longtime member but I haven't been on in a while.


So, I was dumped by my boyfriend of 3.5 years in January. It was messy, we have given each other our space, and now we consider each other to be good friends, but the relationship is broken and we're leaving it broken.


Fastforward to June. A friend of mine suggested I join ok cupid, and while I wasn't really ready for a 'relationship' he made it sound like fun, so I joined.


I wasn't really expecting to meet anybody off the site, and to be honest it was really overwhelming (a lot of responses) and I felt like I was being judged/judging people. But, I did meet one guy off there that I ended up liking enough to meet in 'real life'. We've been on 2 dates so far and have a third one planned.


So, I've been honest with this guy from the start about my expectations:


1.)I will be applying to vet school this summer, and I could be leaving the country as early as this fall, or may start vet school in our state/another state in one year. I've already stated several times that I don't want to be long-distance, so this might be a short-term thing.

2.) My previous ex was my only sexual partner, and I'm not mentally ready to take that step with anyone else. I've told this guy that sex is not on the table, at least not for a long time (6 months) and I only have sex with guys I'm in love with and see a future with (which may not happen, see point #1)

3.) I've told this guy that we're dating, but we're not exclusive. I'm not really looking to juggle a bunch of guys and I'm not on the look out for anything 'better', but I'm not ready for an official, committed, super serious relationship.


I like this guy a lot, we have fun when we're together and he seems to really get me. He wants to be exclusive, and I'm getting the feeling from him that he likes me enough to wait 6+ months for sex and that he likes me enough to try it long-distance if it comes to that.


My issue is that I feel like I'm being selfish. I've been honest with this guy from the start and he seems to want to go forward despite all of the circumstantial things standing in our way. I'm worried that while I've been honest that I'm just looking for a casual (not casual sex, just casual) relationship and that it might end when I leave for vet school, and that he's looking to fall in love and get married and that I might end up breaking this guy's heart.


But on the other hand, he's a big boy and he seems to understand the circumstances and what might happen. I brought it up and he said "Let's just try to have a fun summer and go from there".


But I wonder if I'm just being selfish, and if I should break it off before he gets too attached. And I feel guilty for not being in the same place he is. But it's not like I shouldn't be allowed to date just because I might leave the country in a year or less, right? As long as I'm honest about my circumstances?

Link to comment

Wouldn't it be great if we had a crystal ball and we could see into the future? Well fortunately we don't, so my suggestion would be to just enjoy this!


It's great and all, that you want to make sure this guy doesn't get hurt, but you don't know how things are going to pan out. You may be the one to end up falling passionately in love with this guy - or loads of things can happen between now and the future.


You should just enjoy what's happening now and live your life, you can always work out the kinks later on - should they arise.

Link to comment

No you are not being selfish. You have been open and honest. That is all you can do. And seeing as you are being so, I see no reason why you should put your life on hold. As has been said above ... go have some fun!

Link to comment



Let me commend you on being so open and honest about your situation and letting him know upfront your path of travel.


Wouldn't it be great if we had a crystal ball and we could see into the future? Well fortunately we don't, so my suggestion would be to just enjoy this!


We don't have a crystal ball, but we do have what's called intution and we have to utilize that to the best of our abilities. For the sake of sparing his heart I would suggest that before you become officially exclusive, you pursue your career path and then once you get an idea of what's what, if you still feel like the option for a relationship is on the table; take it, obviously if it's worth the risk for you both.


By you stating your objectives on the front, it puts the ball in his court so that he can make a decision as far as what he wants to do. That's not being selfish at all; very mature of you to put that all out there despite the risk of possibly losing a good catch. The only flip to that is that he possibly might be tagging along in the hope that you sacrifice and throw away your path of travel to be with him. It's just a thought, but let's not run to hard on that one, right now.


I just recently came from a situation very similiar to this. The difference, the woman I was seeing didn't really tell me she was planning on leaving the country until we became an official and exclusive couple. Things became really complicated between us. But my wants were simple; I wanted a committed relationship and she would warn me that she wasn't sure if she could truly make a committment based on her plans to leave. Unlike you, she was being selfish, wanting to keep the relationship afloat but without a solid foundation, primarily her level committment. I couldn't bare weight on that so we broke things off. Now this will give her an opportunity to pursue a dream and me the chance to find what I'm looking for. And it's just like that sometime.


Good luck with your situation.

Link to comment

Thumbs up for having such solid boundaries in place, and being able to vocalize them! If more people behaved like you, their lovelives would be a lot less painful and complicated.


Hey - you were honest with him. Whether he chooses to believe that, or think he can "change" you, is his problem. You've shown him the respect, so you're clean in any way this turns out.


Love is a risk, and he's willing to roll the dice and sign up for something short-term, so let him.

Link to comment


This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

  • Create New...