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"Dumpee" contacting the "Dumper"


kaboom1218

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I figured this thread might be a good reference for those who may be contemplating contacting the ex who dumped them or who are trying to maintain some distance, but find it difficult. I know there have been other similar threads, but really haven't seen one mostly consisting of dumpees detailing in one place what exactly happened when they contacted the person that dumped them and whether there were positive results or they regretted it.

 

I'm sure the responses span the full gamut, but these stories may be what provides me and others, who were left, the strength to not contact the ex and/or wait for more time to pass so that dumper may make contact first. Or it could serve as inspiration for those that want to reconcile. This would be for those that don't want to use NC as the only option for dealing with the breakup.

 

Dumpers can feel free to detail what happened when someone they dumped contacted them and what the result was.

 

If you could give some brief details about the relationship, like how long you were together, what caused the break, how much time passed before contact was made and what was the result, that would help. Thanks!

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I was the dumper with the ex before this ex. The dumpee contacted me with just a "Hey how have u been?" type text message about a few months later..I'd say maybe 5 months later and I welcomed that message very happily as enough time has passed and I had even forgotten why I had dumped them in the first place lol. I was not interested in reconciling nor did the dumpee ask me to reconcile. They seemed very happy to share what they've been up to and I was very eager to share what I've been up to. The reason I never initiated contact with him is because I know I had hurt him and felt scared and did not think they wanted to hear from me. To this day we remain good friends. I've only been dumped once in my life which is this last ex and he has yet to contact me after 2.5 months of straight NC. Given I have always been the dumper in the past, I have always welcomed a msg or email from the dumpee and never responded negatively as no cheating or abuse has ever taken place in any of my relationships and they were all good men except their were incompatibility issues. I think if the dumpee feels they are ready to make contact and be able to keep their cool and not have any expectations and able to forgive and be friendly with their ex then by all means I guarantee the dumper would welcome contact happily...but a few months 3-6 months at least has to have gone by. The dumper might themselves be waiting for you to contact them as they get scared as well and not sure how to go about making that contact. I've felt that way as a dumper so it's from my personal experience.

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My ex gave me the silent treatment (wouldn't answer or return my calls/texts/emails) two weeks before he dumped me. I sent him an email accepting the break up and wishing him well. I've not contacted him since, and it's been really easy for me not to contact him as I know he will not respond - I mean, he wasn't responding when we were supposedly still an item! Three weeks after he broke up with me, I wrote a nice letter to his mother who had been really sweet and nice, thanking her and basically saying goodbye. I've not heard from her either, and wasn't expecting to. He's the first ex I've ever gone NC with - as I find his behaviour before the split cold and callous. I've got no desire to hear from him and I'd sooner stick a fork in my eye than attempt any contact with him.

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@Heartbroken - Have you ever felt as the dumper you might consider them when they contacted you? or did you? Also were these long relationships? and were you fully in love?

 

As for my experience I contacted my ex after one month of NC. I got a polite maybe on the getting back together at the time. Then I was NC 2 more months until a mutual friend was in town and we had to see each other at a bbq. She avoided me like the plague at the bbq. I tried to talk to her while I was there but the conversation lasted 2 minutes until somebody wanted to take a group picture. We didn't talk the rest of the night.

 

I think she was bit scared of me because in the time between when I first contacted and the time of the bbq I deleted her from FB. So she didn't know what to make the situation. A couple days after I sent her a FB message saying it was good to see her and friend request because at this time I have nearly moved on and didn't mind. She sent a nice message back but did not accept the friend request. At this point she seems more scared of me than I am of her. Its been a little over 3 months since the BU of a 2 year relationship and 6 years of friendship. Oh well... Good or bad, whose to say.

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NCforME- Whenever they made contact with me they never asked for me back. We just caught up with each other's lives and became friendly with each other again. There was 1 ex I was with for 1 1/2 years ( just like this last one) and I made contact with him after I broke up with him for me not seeing a future with him as he was more focusing on his career and he never had time for me. He responded to the msg instantly and was very happy to hear from me. We text back and forth for a few weeks and he asked if we can hang out so we did and continued to hang out quite a bit until I found myself very attracted to him again and he felt the same way. But neither of us made a move on each other as we got scared lol. He is now in a relationship and he has said to me prior that he thinks we would have been really good together again and I agreed. But I was at that time dating someone and did not want to go there. And now I would give him another chance but now HE is in a relationship Lol. And yes my last 2 ex's there was definitely real and genuine love for each other. I was both their longest relationship. But this last ex who dumped me I made the mistake of asking him back after the first month of breaking up and he wasn't interested at that time...it was too soon. I never did learn my lesson even as a dumper from before to not just straight out ask someone to get back together...it doesn't work like that. It has to naturally lead there at some time and be a new relationship. It might take a long time before you get to the point of just being able to hang out with them and them realizing they still like you or like the new you. That ex before this ex who is now in a relationship it took us 1.5 years to be attracted to each other again.

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My ex dumped me back in February and we were together for 11 months before we broke up. We broke up because I started being very clingy and he felt like I was suffocating him.I contacted him in April just to send him a "happy bday!" text, and that's when he asked me to call him and we hit it off again. We got back together that very week and are still dating now. Now, I've started to make changes and be more independent... seek out my own interests and not centre my life around him, etc.

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Great! Thanks for the replies! That's exactly what I wanted. To hear the good, the bad and the ugly, lol. This info will definitely help myself and others make a more informed decision. Heartbroken30, that's too bad about your missed opportunity to reconcile, but who knows what the future might hold. Stories like yours are the reason that I don't want to let stubbornness/fear get in the way of a possible happy ending.

 

Good news to hear, Gumiibear! That will definitely offer a silver lining to some people's stories. My ex's birthday is coming up. I was thinking of sending a message like you did, but unsure if that's acting too familiar since we haven't spoken in over 2 months or if he'll get too much of a rush in the fact that I remembered. It could work for or against me. I've heard of birthday messages going both ways. Unsure if I should take the safer route and wait until the day passes to just send a general message. Thoughts?

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I was thinking of sending a message like you did, but unsure if that's acting too familiar since we haven't spoken in over 2 months or if he'll get too much of a rush in the fact that I remembered. It could work for or against me. I've heard of birthday messages going both ways. Unsure if I should take the safer route and wait until the day passes to just send a general message. Thoughts?

 

I wouldn't think to hard about it. I don't think it much matters what you do as so much how you do it. Basically, focus on not pushing. Just be careful to not send up any red flags. I wouldn't over think it because when you do your expectations will be disappointed and you'll screw up.

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I'm not really sure what you should do about the birthday situation! I've read a bunch of posts that say that you shouldn't send birthday messages, but I did it anyways and got a positive outcome! So I guess it's different for everyone because everyone has different break up stories. Was your break up a mutual one?

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Lets see, I initiated contact after 4 of my breakups (2 of which I was the dumper, I was dumped once and the last one I forced her to dump be by doing the slow fade). I initiated contact after about 2.5 months at least, the longest one was 13 months.

 

Girl number 1, E, I broke up with her because I had to move to DC from Boston for a job after my graduation and she still had a year to go in college. I took us 13 months to speak again, I found out she moved to 2 hours away from me after she graduated 1 year after me, we started hanging out again and eventually became a couple again for another 11 months (dated 4 months back in college), we broke up eventually when she took a promotion to go to Holland 1.5 years ago. I still think about her from time to time.

 

Girl number 2, A, dated for 2 months in college, she became clingy and I slow faded from her and forced her to break up with me. Contact her 2.5 months later after run into her at a bar, and we talked and I apologized and still pretty good friends with her till this day.

 

Girl number 3, V, dated for 3 months, broke up with her because I was not ready for commitment, contacted her about 4 months later and we got back together for another 3 months, broke up again (I cant even remember the reason now)

 

Girl number 4, S, dated for 4 months, she dumped me, I was mad and said and did something pretty mean to her after BU, texted her to tell her I am not mad anymore and I understood the breakup was for the best and was sorry about my behavior about 5 months later, we are still pretty good friends till this day.

 

I am totally for initiating contact, only after you no longer affected by any outcome of the said contact (truly over them)

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After the break up with my current ex we had low contact and then 2 weeks of nc and then had low contact again where I made the mistake of pushing to reconcile and became emotional lol...ex told me to sort myself out and I asked should I come back in a month after no contact...which he agreed yes...so I did come back and yeh he ignored my texts/message when I first came back then I called him out on it telling him I won't put up with being ignored and if he wanted me gone for good to tell me...well he responded but did not say anything about me going for good...so after that I let it go nc for a week and then messaged him again as he was in the midst of some medical things and I was concerned and caring however yet again he ignored a few of my texts...he was being cocky and telling me he is bad news etc that I can get better and he didn't understand why I would text even after he was being a jerk...but I just said I was supportive for what ever he is going through...and I have a heart of gold lol

 

I must admit it was that time of the month so I got emotional again that made him angry and he told me it was over...that I was being unstable changing my mind from working it out to saying I wanted it over [yes I was hurt and angry when I was saying those things]...and maybe when all is good we could go out for a chat and drink...he had told me he would contact me when the time was right...well anyway I had sent an email explaining I acknowledged the mistake I did...I said what I said because I was hurt and angry not because I was unstable and that I bring peace and truce between us that this was not like us at all to be this way with one another and that could he reconsider talking to me again after I come back from holidays [which would have been a month nc]

 

Well I ended up going strict nc for nearly 3 months instead got myself back and let go emotionally...I had to I couldn't make a third mistake...and I just had that feeling that he wanted me to contact him [even though his last text told me not to contact him he would]...or something that he was stressed in his life...intuition feeling...so a week ago I contacted him and he did a 180 in attitude with me...he was completely happy and responsive to replying back to me...it was unexpected and a shock to me...and the thing he told me that he was ok but was stressed beyond belief with his work...so my intuition was spot on !!!

 

So I am taking it slowly and my one thing I have done is to not EXPECT or put expectations on him [which I had told him in my last email I wouldn't] to just send only POSITIVE messages in a happy tone...just how I was before I met him...and to let it flow...I also only reply to his message every couple of days not straight away [i have a life and he needs to see this in action a total opposite to how I normally would be]...so I initiated contact again and I went with what my intuition told me...as you can see this time his attitude and the happy messages I received from him totally is opposite to how he was 3 months ago...now I never knew why he was cocky 3 months ago as that contact had been arranged by both of us so it confused me...

 

I'm just taking it slowly and no expectations...take it one day at a time...no rush and no questions for relationship or anything about missing him or anything..strictly platonic talk because I didn't have to make that much effort from the start so why go overboard with professing things from the heart...leave that...let him be the first to do it if he does...but not expecting it to happen...just remain positive...and the universe will lead the way...

 

edit to add we broke up first week of January this year...

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I agree with your stance on contact cmswifty. I think if the dumpee is ready to initiate contact and not have any expectations at all and would not set them back emotionally because they have moved on from the relationship and accepted it completely, then I say there is nothing wrong with contacting them. As I have been the dumper in most relationships, I have always welcomed contact from a dumpee. I was actually really happy to hear from them. If you had a good relationship with no cheating, lying or abuse involved then for me personally I can not possibly rid of that person from my life forever. This person meant something special to me at one point and I hate pretending that they never existed.

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I've broken NC as the dumpee before and had it lead us to talking again, which resulted in getting back together, only temporary though. So successful in some ways, not in others. Depends how you look at it, while I have no regrets and wouldn't trade those moments for the world, part of me thinks I could have used that time more wisely.

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I think if the dumpee feels they are ready to make contact and be able to keep their cool and not have any expectations and able to forgive and be friendly with their ex then by all means I guarantee the dumper would welcome contact happily.

 

How can you guarantee what another person would do?

 

I've been the dumper enough times to tell you that when I'm done, I'm done.

 

I don't want to hear from her ever again.

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How can you guarantee what another person would do?

 

I've been the dumper enough times to tell you that when I'm done, I'm done.

 

I don't want to hear from her ever again.

 

I think if there was real love and respect for this person you would not feel this way. Seems childish.

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Actually, I think if the dumpee respected and loved the dumper, they would leave them alone instead of contacting to try to change their mind. The dumper has thought things through and made a decision concerning their own life, so for you to contact them with the motive to change their mind is not respecting the dumpers decision making process at all. It's quite rude, in fact.

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I think you have a very mechanical approach at times. We are people with feelings, dumpees, dumpers, I dont know. I dont live in a world where i treat others badly or pretend I never knew someone I spent considerable time with.

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I realise that you have feelings. I don't mean to hurt you. But denial is a powerful thing. And I don't think you're doing yourself any favours by clinging onto hope.

 

How is it treating someone badly by wanting to move on? A dumper can tell a dumpee in a polite way that they don't think they should be in touch, and as a dumpee, you should know that it's best if you don't either, otherwise you will not only hurt yourself, but you will, on some level whether you realise it or not, try to convince the dumper that they have made the wrong decision just so that you can get what YOU want. Whether intentional or not, it's still rude to the dumper's decision-making abilities to try to convince them that they've made a mistake by breaking up, when they have actually put a lot of thought into it (and it doesn't work anyway, because if someone is going to come back, it comes from inside of them, with ZERO input from the dumpee).

 

And if you choose to be in contact with a dumper when they've told you that it's over, then you are the one that is putting yourself in a potential situation where the dumper is going to hurt you sooner or later - whether it's because they are moving on and dating, or they have exploded at you because they can pick up on your motives for staying in touch (which is to try to get them to change their mind). I'm not saying that it's "right" for the dumper to be mean to you, but once they have told you it's over, the expectations for them must change. They don't have to be in charge or thoughtful of your feelings anymore, which usually results in dumpees being hurt. Another reason why it's best to move on, since when dumpees keep in touch, their expectations still stay the same, as if they are still in a relationship.

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I agree totally with LN1987. It seems that Dramallama keeps saying the same things over and over and over again. Every situation is different, every person is different. In fact, I have always kept in contact with most of my ex's (with initially time apart) and to this day I chat with the ones that meant lots to me in my life at one point whether on MSN, bbm, texting and a couple I even hang out with monthly. I know what they are up too because I care about them and they care about me and my life.

 

When you initially contact an ex whether dumper or dumpee I think the safest bet is not to contact them hoping for a reconciliation but a genuine care as to see how they are. If that contact leads into a positive casual friendship and maybe down the road to a reconciliation then that's great. But never go into it hoping for that and if you do then you are not ready to make contact. Making contact with an ex doesn't have to be about "changing their mind" they have to do that on their own. But if you can't even open communication with them on a friendly basis that will never happen.

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Interesting thread. I'm in a difficult decision right now trying to juggle whether or not to make contact with my ex. We broke up 3 months ago, extremely limited contact (she's sent me about 2 one line texts). We were extremely close and share the same mutual friend group, so it's been hard just cutting her out, but i've done it. My previous 2 relationships i got over within 2 months, as in COMPLETELY moved on. This one's different. We ended on really good terms, with her adamant to stay close because i'd become one of her best (if not her best) friends. We got complacent and neither of us was really putting much effort into the relationship, we just grew apart. It feels like she's done us a favor by dumping me to be honest. I've learned so much in these months and i'd love to be back with her.

 

I'm pretty certain she thinks i'm completely over it because i've done a good job appearing like i have, been with alot of girls since and just got on with life etc., and she's not the type to press for contact when she thinks i'm done. That being said, i know she wants contact because we were so close and never had any real issues, she values people extremely highly and especially since i was her first love and we got on great i know she'd be upset over not speaking, but i can't face talking to her as just a friend. Should i just keep on cruising with the NC? I hate being in limbo like this huh. I know someone has to reach out, and i know she won't while she's convinced i've moved on...

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They don't have to be in charge or thoughtful of your feelings anymore, which usually results in dumpees being hurt. Another reason why it's best to move on, since when dumpees keep in touch, their expectations still stay the same, as if they are still in a relationship.

 

This is too true, you may not realise it but if you haven't completely come to terms with things your expectations will quickly shift towards how they were when you were in a relationship.

 

Prime example for me is that i've sent a text message and not had a responce (oh right so i'm being ignored) or i've called and had no answer (oh ignored again?). In the relationship responces to messages always came pretty fast, calls were always answered or returned.

 

Agreed that everyone is different, but not everyone knows how they are going to feel until they've acted and not got the responce they hoped for or didn't expect. It's risky behaviour and can throw your emotions off completely. If you're genuinely confident in how you feel and can handle any responce by all means contact your ex. If you're a bit unsure or have any kind of expectations just remember that you will be sat there dealing with the consequences by yourself.

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I think if there was real love and respect for this person you would not feel this way. Seems childish.

 

I think once you step out of the "OMG I WAS DUMPED" mindset and find yourself in a position where you have to dump someone, you will see what they mean when they say "once Im done, Im done". Its not childish. Its called a break up cause its broken. Nothing is more annoying then a dumpee beggin and pleading and calling when the relationship is clearly over.

 

I have only been cold when the person "didnt get it" as in, leave me alone, Im not changing my mind.

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