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"Dumpee" contacting the "Dumper"


kaboom1218

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Drama, I agree with your stance when it comes to fresh BU, keeping in touch will most likely results in dumpee getting hurt. Thats why I am voicing that its ok to contact after the healing period, when both parties have moved on, got over the BU and just curious about each other's life. IMHO you are not ready to contact if you still not over the breakup or the relationship. BUt lets say 6 months down the road and you are no longer hurting, no longer pining for the ex and just curious about their life because they used to be an important part of yours, why not call or text or email or whatever way you communicate?

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My ex dumped me just over a month ago, and still finding it hard too swallow. What was really sad was that I didn't get to say goodbye to her properly.

 

Reading these posts does give me a glimmer of hope. Not hope that we will get back together but hope that I will see her again, and possibly be friends.

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In my first relationship I was the dumper and I am not interested in having contact with this ex at all because he emotionally abused me during our relationship.

 

My second relationship ended 3 months ago. He just suddenly changed, he became extremely cold and distant and he stopped calling me. I couldnt take his behaviour anymore so I sent him a text telling him I didnt want to do this anymore if it is going to be this way. He never replied to my text. I then sent him an email a few days later, he didnt reply to my email either. I just never heard from him again and it really hurts to not have closure. I am not planning on trying to contact him anytime soon but I'm thinking that after a few years I might try to contact him just to see what would happen.

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First off, for those that want to be critical of dumpees wanting to reconcile and who spew the same "Stay strong, keep NC" mantra or act like they're stupid for wanting to try to reach out, try to consider the posters feelings and think about how you would feel if you were the dumpee. You wouldn't want someone diminishing or patronizing your feelings. To me, if you don't have some explicit examples of using NC in your life, then what makes you the authority on it? You can't be the most reliable source if you haven't experienced first-hand the advice you're giving.

 

I think most posters are wise enough to know the negative alternative--they can read on plenty of threads about those feeling rejected by their exes. But this thread and others, can provide some hope and give some examples of how dropping one's pride and/or fear and reaching out, can lead to that reconciliation some desire. Or just maintain a connection with an ex that can result in friendship or more, depending upon the circumstance.

 

The main reason I want to reach out is because my ex did at least level with me and I did get some kind of closure. He didn't leave me hanging or keep me guessing like some. I believe my ex handled it the best he could under the circumstances and other factors led to the early demise. Remember people, they are human too with the same issues and insecurities, so to approach them as if they're some bot with no human qualities, is crazy. I just in essence want a do-over, to start fresh and proceed the way I knew we should have, but didn't against my better judgement.

 

In the cases of abuse or neglect, I think it's much easier to let go. But if you did feel that the person might be a soul mate caught up in bad timing or really could be a good match under other circumstances, where there were issues that could be addressed, I think it is harder to let go. Now, I'm not advocating making a fool of yourself or giving up too much of yourself in the process, but maintaining a balance.

 

I have to admit, I haven't quite built up the courage or created enough justification in my mind to contact my ex, but when I do feel I'm ready for whatever may come, I will. Just a friendly 'hello' and if that's rejected, not much skin off my back, but at least I'll know for sure that there is no connection to be had and I can move on. As someone said, some of us need the final nail in the coffin to move on. Just as long as you don't get buried with the coffin, I think it should be all good.

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I agree totally with LN1987. It seems that Dramallama keeps saying the same things over and over and over again. Every situation is different, every person is different. In fact, I have always kept in contact with most of my ex's (with initially time apart) and to this day I chat with the ones that meant lots to me in my life at one point whether on MSN, bbm, texting and a couple I even hang out with monthly. I know what they are up too because I care about them and they care about me and my life.

Well, you and I can disagree then, because I think that essentially, all break ups are the same. One person doesn't want to be with another person anymore. So the dumpee can either hang around hoping to change their mind, or they can move on.

 

And if you actually read my advice you should know that I do encourage dumpees to contact their exes but only when there has been a significant amount of NC in-between, like at least a year or two to let emotions die down and for the dumpee to start dating again without thoughts of their ex creeping in, AND when there are zero expectations to get back together. You don't have the expectations to get back together with your exes, do you? Then that's fine. If that case, you should contact them. But it's when dumpees DO have the expectation on some level to reunite with their ex, that is when problems arise.

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And that is why I said I had initial time apart after a break up before communicating again. There can be no expectations. The best way for a reconciliation to work is when you can answer the question "How did you guys get back together?" and your response "I don't know it just happened". It needs to 'just happen'. It can't be forced, It can't be pushed and you certainly can't change someones mind. And no I don't want my ex's I talk with back.

 

But my ex ex who is now in a relationship and I had a chance to be with him again we both got scared...but that would have been a case of it just happened because really it would have just happened. We started hanging out and liked each other again. But no emotions can be involved. We never even officially asked each other out for dates when we went out...it was just sorta like "what are you doing tonight? Wanna get something to eat?". So we both had no expectations about getting back together we just let it flow naturally. And also, out of curiosity I once asked him if he would ever go back out with me? (I was not interested in doing so but just to make conversation) and he said he would absolutely go back out with me because he says I seem more fun now (which I punched him for lol) and I seem to communicate a lot better and that he finds me more attractive and confident now then back then. So there you have it....you have to change something about yourself. They will notice with time and it could be the one thing that draws them back. But it has to be a natural change not something that is faked.

 

Also one more thing...I think a year or two is way too long to not have had emotions die down. If someone is still hooked on someone and can't move on after 1 or 2 years then they need to do something different in their life to help them move on. Dating other people will help tremendously. You will view your ex in a different light. I don't know i would personally find it kinda creepy to hear from an ex after 2 years. I would definitely think there were ulterior motives to his initiating contact after so long. Something must have happened in their life and they need to use you to make them feel better. I have no problem making contact with an ex after 3-6 months.

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I'll chip in here. First off there does seem to be a vein of "hardness" running through this place where people who spend a lot of time here get their views polarised into how and why every dumper and dumpee acts. I don't think contacting the dumper is wrong under certain circumstances, and wanting to get back is certainly no crime.

 

I dumped my ex around 2 years ago after an incident in a local town which was horrendous, she basically ignored me all night while with her friends. Anyway, she begged and pleaded and begge and stalked essentially. While it was irritating at the time, after around 6 weeks it started to die down to the point where I didnt hear anything. (NC)

 

Anyway, I happened to be browsing her FB one day, while I thought I was over her, and noted she had a status about going on a date. IT DROVE ME CRAZY. I instantly became heartbroken, got in contact and long story short we got back until very recently.

 

The moral of the story is, not all breakups follow the blueprint person A gets dumped, tried desperatley contacting person B who then ignores them. person A then goes hardcore NC and eventually both move on,. Life and people aren't pigeonholed like that I dont care what anyone here says. Christ, Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor got married twice.

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There's always going to be somewhat biased adviced based on experience, wants, and needs. I try honestly to look at the situation deeply and then give honest advice. I do agree sometimes there's hardness, but sometimes there's extreme softness as well. It's here that you get opinions and advice that you can do what is best for you after you've read it all. That's really what OP's should do IMO. Gather all the advice and then figure it out for themselves. The truth is the OP's always know themselves and their ex's better than we do.

 

People do what they are going to do regardless of the posts. We are our own person, at the same time I do agree not all breakups follow a blueprint. But what is usually best for the individual IMO to grow is ALMOST always the same. That's what I usually try to encourage first and foremost. It's what makes us stronger, and it's what makes our future relationships have a better chance at succeeding IMO. Even if it is a reconciliation.

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Well my ex bf who dumped me initiates conversation with me : ) I still love him, and but he thinks I think he's moved on. (If that makes sense). I don't think he has. But I don't want to be accusing him of loving me.

 

I feel we are meant to be. And I am willing to be there as a friend for him (as we ended up being best friends). The only issue in our relationship was that it wasn't ENOUGH of a relationship. What really defines a friendship with a relationship? A lot of things. But mainly intimacy. And we didn't have a lot of that going out.

 

If we ever got back, thats one thing we'd definitely both want to change : ) But anyway, there are many reasons why both the dumpee and/or dumper don't want to make contact. Some hold resentments, some are afraid of falling back into the relationship etc. Lots of reasons. I do not believe that there is one particular was to go about making contact. Depends on how you are with eachother I guess : )

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Also one more thing...I think a year or two is way too long to not have had emotions die down. If someone is still hooked on someone and can't move on after 1 or 2 years then they need to do something different in their life to help them move on. Dating other people will help tremendously. You will view your ex in a different light. I don't know i would personally find it kinda creepy to hear from an ex after 2 years. I would definitely think there were ulterior motives to his initiating contact after so long. Something must have happened in their life and they need to use you to make them feel better. I have no problem making contact with an ex after 3-6 months.

I think that a dumpee should have moved on by one or two years, as well. However, it is not up to us to put a time frame on when a dumpee "should" feel ok with contacting an ex because everyone is different. However, IMO, just because YOU felt ok in contacting an ex after 3 - 6 months, that is not typical of a dumpee to feel like they could contact an ex as friends, with no expectations. From what I've read on this forum, after 3 months, and even 6 months, a dumpee deep down still has loads of expectations to get back together.

 

And some dumpees decide that it's best for themselves to never contact their ex again because they don't want to be back in a place where they once were, and they are too busy having fun with true friends and dating to risk having all of the drama brought up again of the past. If you could contact your ex again, that's fine. But it's very unusual for dumpees to heal fully in less than a year where they feel no romantic feelings or expectations if they do contact their ex. And if you feel that your ex is someone very special and you would like to be friends some time in the future, then what difference will a couple of years make, so that the emotions can die down? If your ex is a true friend to you, then they will understand and be willing to give you as long as it takes so that the dumpee can heal and expectations can fade completely.

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So we both had no expectations about getting back together we just let it flow naturally. And also, out of curiosity I once asked him if he would ever go back out with me? (I was not interested in doing so but just to make conversation) and he said he would absolutely go back out with me because he says I seem more fun now (which I punched him for lol) and I seem to communicate a lot better and that he finds me more attractive and confident now then back then. So there you have it....you have to change something about yourself.

 

I read this part quoted here about how you "asked him if he would go back with you just to make conversation" and how "you changed and he likes you better and he might take you back". My very first thought was if you want to make conversation then why not talk about the weather, and also that you think he's going to take you back because you're better now. You've definitely got hopes and expectations, and he has all the power because if he says he'll take you back, you'd go back in a heartbeat and until and unless he says so you're just going to "hang out" (with no expectations as you put it). I hope for your sake you are not giving him any sex.

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I think that a dumpee should have moved on by one or two years, as well.

 

 

If you haven't moved on from a regular relationship in one or two years, and it wasn't a marriage... You probably have an abandonment issue. Anyone can have these issues. You don't have to be a small child to develop it. I found that it's taken me longer than 3-6 months to usually move on properly. I'm about to read a few books right now to see if this is actually an issue, and from what I've read online so far I think it very well may be.

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I think that it's a fair expectation that normally people should be moved on from being dumped after two years (because even after 1 year - 12 months, some emotions can still be there). And if you are not, then you should look into why not - are you choosing to think of them every day? Do you have too much free time on your hands? Do you need to socialise more? Are you checking their facebook? etc. And some counselling might be worthwhile, as you said endy.

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Ok, this thread has gotten off-topic. Let's steer this back to describing actual stories and experiences where the dumpee contacted the dumper and not turn this into preaching about how long you think the dumpee needs to wait before contact and telling them the circumstances under which they should contact. The purpose of this thread was to examine all sides of a reconciliation or attempts at one. I was hoping this wouldn't turn into another typical thread with typical single-minded advice.

 

If certain dumpees want to reconcile or contact their ex, then others and myself looking for alternative advice, want to read those stories and what happens. Hard core facts and not theory are what this thread is all about. Everyone doesn't necessarily want to move on right now, so telling them to do the exact opposite of what they want accomplishes nothing, unless that's what they're asking about.

 

The readers can take the facts and go from there. I think they're smart enough to decipher the stories and come to their own conclusions without biased opinions trying to dissuade them about a situation only they really know the full extent of. So some of the advice is futile and becomes mute points if repeated time and time again. Advice that's beaten like a dead horse starts to go in one ear and out the other. So I'm still interested in more specific examples of reconnection or attempts at one and I'm sure others are too.

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I don't think any good comes out of a dumpee contacting a dumper. If a dumper wanted to be with you, they'd be the one contacting you. Usually the dumpees that are the ones contacting the dumper are the ones with expectations, of which they shouldn't be contacting their ex in the first place. It's the dumpees with high self esteems that are staying away - because they are actually living their lives and spending time with true friends as well as dating people, not trying to cling onto the past.

 

I know you're looking justification or success stories, but they just aren't around. Take the hint and move on with your life because your dumper has. I think that's where your temper and touchyness comes from - you don't want to be told to move on and get all up in arms when people tell you that it really is the best option of getting an ex back or healing - because it is.

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The readers can take the facts and go from there. I think they're smart enough to decipher the stories and come to their own conclusions without biased opinions trying to dissuade them about a situation only they really know the full extent of. So some of the advice is futile and becomes mute points if repeated time and time again. Advice that's beaten like a dead horse starts to go in one ear and out the other. So I'm still interested in more specific examples of reconnection or attempts at one and I'm sure others are too.

For you maybe. But then there are also plenty of readers who actually apply advice of mine, and similar to mine, that pretty soon find themselves in a much better position than when they were posting threads, "should I contact my ex? Please, I just need stories where this has worked!" Meanwhile tumbleweeds go by because the number of people who have stayed in touch or tried to contact their ex (because they are "sure" that "no-one know MY situation like I do - you don't know my ex!") only to be burnt, simply because their situation is oh-so unique, only to have to resort to NC to heal, which is what they should have done in the first place.

 

But I don't blame you for thinking that your sitch is different. Everyone does. But if someone doesn't want to be with you - walk away with diginity. They know how to contact you if they change their mind. If they think you are the love of their life, they aren't going to sit their twiddling their thumbs waiting for you to contact them - they will be proactive and do it themselves. They won't leave it up to the hands of fate - or you - to have the opportunity to tell you. I guess it's easier to think that a dumper's silence means that they are "scared" to contact you, than to realise that the silence you're hearing from your ex is because they have moved on a long time ago, and you should too.

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Well, then other threads might be suited for your advice, but not one explicitly asking a question that goes against what you always say on these boards. Especially posted by someone who you knowingly don't see eye to eye with. Why continually post advice on this thread that's unrelated to the agenda you always mention and where it doesn't seem your advice is contributing to the purpose of the thread?

 

You've said the same thing a million times and plenty of people have commented that it's getting old. You never have a personal story to share to back your theories up and help prove your opinion. You only reference others' stories, but you never really even know all of the facts unless you're in the situation. And for as many unsuccessful reconciliations you can mention, I can mention as many successful ones, so that point is mute. There's one mentioned in this very thread. Search for more and you'll find them.

 

How has all of this advice you continually push no matter what the thread, benefited YOU?!?! Have you applied your advice to your own life? Maybe if you'd explain that, others would hold more credence to what you're saying. I question someone who preaches advice they don't practice. I think you should know by now that you're not going to persuade me to your way of thinking, so don't know why you try. Just like I can't really change your mind, but do think appropriate advice needs to be given on the appropriate threads. And you will never know my situation and what will work best for me, so don't clump my situation with the other status quo you refer to.

 

Like I said before, I'd appreciate actual stories on attempts at reconciliation or starting communication with an ex and not comments that have nothing to do with the purpose of the thread.

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And plenty of people have also commented and PM'd me to ask me for advice or to tell me that my advice and approach has helped them tremendously. And your point is?

 

Yes, I have walked away and gone NC from someone that has chosen not to be with me. I'm not exactly sure what is so radical about that idea that you'd find it hard to believe that I have the dignity to walk away from someone that has chosen not to be with me. And I have experienced most, if not all, of the benefits that NC has to offer and I'm glad that I did it that way. And when I think back to the time where I didn't, I wish that I had.

 

So I'm not sure where you get the idea that I don't put NC into practice, or that I wouldn't in the future. It's not such a crazy idea that walking away from someone who has chosen not to be with you wouldn't work. And also expecting that if they change their mind, THEY will be in touch and tell you so. The people that usually have a problem with it, are the same people that are choosing not to let go, or are resisisting the idea of letting go because they think their case is unique. Well, if you want to be in touch with your ex, that's fine. And if you have a long-lasting reconciliation of more than one year, that's cool too. It would be very rare, but I guess it might happen once in a blue moon. I just see more pain come from it than success stories. Much more.

 

Besides, let's say that hypothetically I didn't ever put NC into practice, I can still see that it works - from the many people who have contacted me telling me that they are in such a better place from using it, and from seeing myself the change in perspective and increase in self esteem from those that have taken my advice and continual help. And if that isn't success, then I don't know what is.

 

If you are so sure that you want to be in touch with your ex, then why aren't you doing it? If you have so many stories of people getting back together from staying in touch, where the dumpee initiates contact with the dumper, then why the need to create this thread?

 

Also, if you want to see just how many people support moving on instead of staying in touch with their ex - read the first thread in my signature. There is a reason it's so popular - it's true and many of us have been there. And there's a reason why NC is said so much - because it just works.

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Dramalama makes a good point,

 

Usually, if a dumpee contacts the dumper, it's because they want validation and a return on all the investment they've put into the dumper which the dumper will not give because it's simply unattractive.

 

I used to be like that loads until i recognised this flaw in me and decided to change and improve myself.

 

It only reinforces things once you see someone behaving like that towards you. It's currently happening to me now with a girl who i've been seeing but recently decided to stop things after i felt her becoming very posessive - She texted me 5 long messages in the space of an hour while at work, caused unecessary drama and analysed every little thing i did and framed it all as negative. This put loads of pressure on me and got me incredibly worried.

 

I've tried telling her what she's doing so i could help her, but she just hasn't listened and has used it to get even more emotional. It really is horrible to deal with someone like that; especially when you try helping them and they refuse to accept it - I used to be the same, so as a result i don't hate or dislike people who behave that way now.

 

I think the key things to recognise in order to stop this behavior is to accept the following -

 

1) Accept people for who they are and not what you expect them to be

2) If a person decides to cheat on you, then they will and nothing you do will stop them from doing it.

3) Not every person will like or agree with you.

4) Allow people the space to live their lives without you.

5) If a person no longer wants to be with you, don't take it personally - It just means they're no longer in the same headspace as you.

Lastly and most importantly...

6) You can't make anyone love you - If they want you, they'll find you and will make that decision on their own without your help.

 

I no longer hate my exes now because i now know how it feels being on the receiving end.

 

If you want to improve your dating/relationships, seek to improve your self-esteem. There are many places to go to get information about this.

 

The key to improve any aspect of your life is to first recognise it and to then start taking steps to improve it - You can't change the things around you; you can only change yourself.

 

A good place to start is to get hold of and read the book "The Psychology of Romantic Love by Dr Nathaniel Branden"

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All I can say is there are BILLIONS of people out there...no two people are the same...not everyone has the balls to make the first move...but in order for something to happen SOMEONE has to initiate...and it is NOT just the soul purpose of the dumper...it took two people to MAKE a relationship...BREAK a relationship and if someone is just that more gutsy to try again...it only takes one to initiate the first move...

 

Sometimes a dumper feels like a coward to come crawling back...and that's what they can feel like ...because they see the other not making the move ...so they can think he/she obviously doesn't want them back...

 

And I'm not pulling crap out...*I* was such a person ..a dumper...and I regretted not trying to this day...but I had hurt them and I didn't want to make the first move because news flash..it takes guts to ask someone out again...rejection is a strong negative feeling...and the biggest strongest man/woman can feel like a limp noodle when it comes to matters of the heart...

 

No two people are emotionally made the same...each has their fears...

 

The bottom line is...SOMEONE has to make the move...whoever is the bravest...and why not take a chance...and if you come away empty handed well at least you can go about this life not having a *What If* hanging on your heart...

 

I'd rather go away empty handed knowing I fought for what was in my heart...rather then walking away and not knowing if only I took a chance...

 

There are so many fears of rejection in all of life...and if everyone gave up once they were knocked back there wouldn't be success...

 

I say get yourself back to your original strength and when you are strong and know in your heart the timing is right...then you can make that move...slowly but surely...

 

At least at the end of the day YOU gave it your BEST shot...and that's all that matters...much better then having tunnel vision and assume...you don't know if you never try...

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8+ months later after my BU and although I am not in a new relationship, and not pining after my ex like I was at 3, 4, 5 months, I still miss him and by contacting him, I definitely would only have the reason of a possible "rekindling" .. I attempted contact around 6 months. I felt strong, and the erratic emotions had subsided and I was living my life on my own and feeling great about my life. Fine without him...

 

The contact was well received, he was cordial and polite, but that was it... How did that make me feel? It made me feel a sting of rejection all over again. Why didn't he want to talk to me as much as I still wanted to talk to him? Was he totally OVER me? All these thoughts started rolling around again. I chose the path after that of not making any contact first ever again. There was no dignity lost. Nothing like that, but the hurt I felt was not fair to me.. not again.

 

My point is, to stay on topic here is, a dumpee CAN contact a dumper, BUT you have to have ZERO expectations and at best.. it should be when you are over them, completely.. no feelings on your end have to be there.

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My point is, to stay on topic here is, a dumpee CAN contact a dumper, BUT you have to have ZERO expectations and at best.. it should be when you are over them, completely.. no feelings on your end have to be there.

I think once you are at this stage with zero expectations to get back together, most dumpees don't feel the want or need to contact their dumper anyway. Because they are too busy living their own new life to bother with digging up the past and the potential hurt that could arise from that. So most dumpees that are contacting their ex DO have expectations, no matter how much they say they don't. I'm sure if your ex changes their mind, they will stay in touch - they know how to use a phone. But it's easier on the dumpee's ego to say that they are "scared" to contact you (after THEY have dumped you). Sorry, but if someone can't even send me a simple text, then they don't deserve to have me back.

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I know you're looking justification or success stories, but they just aren't around.

 

Oh please... There certainly are stories where the dumpee moved first. The JerseyKid comes to mind and I've read some others. Also from personal experience I know of some. Is it the best idea? No, not all the time but it certainly works out sometimes.

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