diddums Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 She ended it clearly from GIGs but we didnt end on bad terms just i had to go NC as i couldnt handle it all still loving her and seeing her with this guy yet she still trys to contact me(smells like a rebound) check my old posts for full details. She wished me happy birthday on my birthday and now today is her birthday. I feel i want to send "happy birthday" as a text to show i do know what today is and to just be fair that she sent one to me, knowing her she would probably take this as a excuse to talk as she does near every month and did on my birthday attempt to reach me but at the same time ive heard that i shouldnt expect a reply or i would get crushed more. I see it as if i get a reply thats nice of her and if she doesnt ever then i feel i can say well clearly shes a huge waste of effort to not reply to something so small like i did for her. Its tough and ive asked this all before but now that its reached the day of it ive become very confused if to just carry on NC or just send "happy birthday" text and not expect or reply to anything she trys. I want her back still and love her alot just need some help. Thanks Link to comment
dramallama Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 Do you know how common it is for ex's to dump you before special occasions (your birthday, their birthday, christmas, vday, thanksgiving)? It is INSANELY common, according to this board (and I believe that a lot of break-ups spike before christmas). It's because your ex has already checked out of the relationship and they cannot bear the guilt of pretending to be happy on a special occasion, or taking gifts from you, or even spending time with you, when they know deep down they want out. Your ex has chosen not to have you in their life, which means that you are NOT their friend or their lover. They have chosen not to have you as emotional support, so they are not going to die if you don't send them a birthday message - they have friends and family to do that. Even if you pretend that you have no expectations - you do! So do the best thing for yourself - accept that it's over and move on. Link to comment
livestrong23 Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 See my recent thread in the healing forum...similar circumstance,same question. Her bday was last week...I didn't txt. Livestrong Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 As long as she has a BF, don't do it. She may want you as a backup plan or as a friend, but that is not what you want nor it that what is good for you. You should tell her that if she breaks up with her BF and changes her mind and wants to try again, you'd like to hear from her, but otherwise please leave you alone to heal. Her birthday may have meaning for you because you still want to be with her, but remember that she will be spending her birthday celebrating with her BF, not you. So you're little text might arrive in the middle of their special birthday dinner, or in the middle of him giving her a really hot birthday shag, or while they're cuddling on the couch watching TV, or anything else. Remember, she is with someone else and not you, so that text really isn't appropriate since she has a new BF. We tend to blot out that uncomfortable reality that they have moved on with their life, but please don't continue to celebrate her 'special days' when her special days are spent with someone else. They are his and her special days, not your special day anymore. I don't mean to be cruel, but to point out that your focus needs to be on you and your future rather than looking for little excuses to pretend like you're part of her special world anymore, because she has moved onto someone else. Link to comment
diddums Posted June 5, 2011 Author Share Posted June 5, 2011 Thanks guys lama i kinda agree but at the same time ive had her call me saying she misses me and still cares alot yet with this guy! but like people say actions speak louder. I think shes being stubborn and stupid as she wont leave this guy till he leaves her im sure, many friends and family say she no doubt will come crawling and just wants to try prove something. Ino everyones situation is different i dont think she checked out the relationship way before or i wouldnt of got calls etc 2-4 months later needing me in some way or saying she misses i think she left for the whole grass is greener as we were great together till this guy she got talking to more started snooping around. At the start of the breakup she wanted us to be "friends" i tried it for a month hated it we actually got back for 2 weeks but i think GIG got the better of her again yet from the moment i said i had to go NC it caused her to get upset and down and tell me she misses me etc but if she wants me she can come get me i tried and she wanted 2 things. Im probably now not gonna send a text, i can read this girl like a book and maybe not today as shes with friends and her bf but when shes alone as usual im sure she will come snooping around wondering what im doing to not show ino about her birthday. Link to comment
diddums Posted June 5, 2011 Author Share Posted June 5, 2011 Lavenderdove i see what your saying and im not gonna text shes with him and i havnt spoke to her in 3 months either yet receive 1-2 attempts of contact every month, i can agree 100% that sending a text wont do anything for me and she will prob just see it as o hes talking to me...back to my bf then. But like on my birthday when she was alone and her plans with her bf went down hill she couldnt help but try contacting me all day(see previous posts) Thank you all for your help and quick replys i can now continue my day happily now Link to comment
boyblue Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 Quite right by not sending anything you are telling her in no uncertain terms you will be no ones back up plan, which is what she has been laying the foundations of over the last wee while. Cut the cord and let her know you mean business. BB Link to comment
dumpee Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 Do you know how common it is for ex's to dump you before special occasions (your birthday, their birthday, christmas, vday, thanksgiving)? It is INSANELY common, according to this board (and I believe that a lot of break-ups spike before christmas). It's because your ex has already checked out of the relationship and they cannot bear the guilt of pretending to be happy on a special occasion, or taking gifts from you, or even spending time with you, when they know deep down they want out. Wow, how true this is. My ex broke up with me 4 days before we were due to go away for weeks holiday. She said she was going to wait until after the holiday to tell me but realised it wouldn't have been fair on me. I sent her a "happy birthday text" which she responded to but this was during the period we were sorting out our finances (she was already living with her new guy at that point). Realise now that it just fed her ego. Four months later when it was my birthday (and all finances sorted) I got absolutely nothing from her. Mind you, it would have also been our eleventh anniversary so It would have been awkward for the both of us I guess. Don't send her a birthday message as it won't help you but will give her an ego boost. Good luck and try and enjoy the rest of your day. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 I think you might be in a little denial about the relationship still. It's been over for 5 months and she's been with the new guy for 3. Who is to say there isn't something there with them? I think if you keep focusing on her leaving because of gigs - which I think is overused as 'the reason' for the ex leaving - you will continually be disappointed. She left after a relatively short period of time (14 months) and she was happily stringing you along as a backup for a while. Sounds like she wants friendship and ego-boost from you more than relationship and then she gets her attraction piece from her bf. She has a bf. That's all that matters. Don't text her. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 Just remember, you can really miss your mother or your sister or brother or best friend and want to talk to them... doesn't mean you want to date them.' She told someone she missed your 'personality', but that is telling in that she is saying she is missing one thing about you, but perhaps she finds other things about her new BF more compelling in a way that makes her choose him as a BF rather than a friend. People can be totally in love with someone who frequently exasperates them, and want to hang onto a bunch of friends that they get support from and whine and complain about the exasperating BF, yet keep staying with the BF and going back to him, even 5 minutes after complaining about him to someone else. So don't overweight that fact that she 'misses' you because one misses parents, pets, places we used to live etc. It is her current choices that tell you where her mind and heart really are, and her current choice is her BF. One can miss the good things about an ex, but still be totally confident that you don't want to be with them romantically or have them as a partner anymore, only as a friend. You care a lot about friends and family, but that is not the same thing as wanting to be with them in a romantic relationship, which is a choice, not just a feeling. So don't take it as a big sign that she will be back. She of course could come back, but just as likely or more likely, not. Just live your life healing and moving on and don't pin all your hopes on her coming back, especially if she is with someone else now and has been gone 5 months after a 14 month relationship. Link to comment
diddums Posted June 5, 2011 Author Share Posted June 5, 2011 I actually think myself sometimes im probably in denial but then from things shes done and said have made me think that she still clearly has some deep feelings for me obviously sounds like stringing along which she did for a bit but from what she has with this guy and things ive heard it doesnt sound like a true relationship like we had even for her own friends to ask her if she misses me and notice shes not 100% happy i dont know im happy with myself and my life anyway ive got alot going on that makes me so happy like ive never felt before if she comes back great if she doesnt im happy on my road to healing Link to comment
CMS Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 Dude you are definitely in denial. You do not know what goes on behind that closed door in their relationship. All those "nice" things you mentioned could mean she still find you special or she might just be doing it out of guilt or just trying to string you along and keep you on the back burner. Either way it does not matter, I think you should be moving on to your life. My ex broke up with me 1 week before her birthday, I did not wish her a happy birthday after I started NC 1 day before her birthday. She texted me happy birthday on my birthday 3 weeks ago which I politely replied thanks but thats about it. I kept on following NC and can honestly say my healing is coming along pretty nicely. My point is, let your ex be, let her rebound (or not rebound) relationship run, go and live your own life, hell you might meet someone more special along the way (I met an interesting girl last week and am planning to ask her out again for date #2). Good luck man Link to comment
TheJerseyKid Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 I know how this goes. Your brain totally tricks you and gives you every possible reason and excuse it can come up with to rationalize it being OK to send it. If she was single, It might even have some validity, but shes not. Not sending the message will say a lot more in the long run than sending her a happy birthday. She lost you, she has someone else to wish her happy birthday now. Would you be OK with her ex's texting her while you were dating her? Link to comment
diddums Posted June 5, 2011 Author Share Posted June 5, 2011 Thanks everyone again im not sending the text like i said and feel better for not doing it she lost me and thats it i havnt spoke to her in 2 months and need my time its only a birthday not the last either, im happy with myself anyway it was just today was awkward not knowing what to do, i feel like i am partly in denial like some have said but it doesnt stop me in life thankfully. Time will heal me and who knows what the future holds Link to comment
diddums Posted June 7, 2011 Author Share Posted June 7, 2011 Little bit of a update, i didnt send the text i feel brilliant today for not she didnt want me a part of her life and shes got her bf now so why should i send it! I even just sat myself and thought ive had enough got angry and things gotta change a bit more in my life besides doing NC im just aiming to move on now like never before, but today my ex started messaging me begging me to stop ignoring her! * * * ! and she got a bit annoyed.....am i gonna stop NC HELL NO! thanks everyone though Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 She just wants to know you're there to be a support system/backup plan... just remind yourself it means absolutely nothing at all if she is still with her BF. You're just an ego boost and someone to toy with when she's bored/lonely/mad at her BF. That's all upside for her, and downside for you, so why bother... Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 SHE STILL HAS A BF! I'm glad you didn't fall for that crapola. Link to comment
diddums Posted June 8, 2011 Author Share Posted June 8, 2011 ye exactly agree im not talking to her EVER unless she wants me back and she gotta work to prove that! haha not falling for any of it! She messaged me AGAIN today about a gig this weekend shes going to and that she asked me to go to with her when we were talking, im not going but it will play on her mind as she thinks i still have the ticket. I feel better everyday now and the more she contacts it oddly feels nice as it feels great almost slamming the door on her. Shes got her BF why would she care what i do haha Link to comment
Live-N-Learn Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 Yeah it feels great when they reach out to us. It makes us feel like they want us back. It also prolongs your healing because it gives us hope they may want us them back. The reality is that she is with another guy and left you and is not asking to reconcile. It sounds like she is just looking for an ego boost. Stay strong and keep doing what your doing. I think you are handling this perfectly. Link to comment
diddums Posted June 8, 2011 Author Share Posted June 8, 2011 i can see what you mean by prolong healing but i just see it as like you put, her trying to gain a ego boost for what ever reason so it makes me just want to ignore her more clearly something got to her from me not sending her a birthday message slight ego crush expecting me to send something probably. but serves her right what goes around comes around. thanks though i have no intention to talk unless its reconcile if i decide i want to XD i dont think this will be the last i hear of her i can picture her getting a bit more drastic with time in attempts of attention Link to comment
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