She says she is still in love with me but has taken up with my mate!

[Luigi68]

Me and gf have been supportive of each other through thick and thin over the last 6 years but due to complications with ex partners and kids have been unable to cement out two families together. She reached a point earlier in the year where she felt she could see no future in the 'partnership' although wanted to stay friends forever. We struggled along and I was happy with our progress but recently she ended it, albeit we still saw loads of each other, in particular with her kids which was lovely. Earlier this week I popped round and found that my mate was there and gf told me that she had started seeing him. This has left me devastated. She says she loves and I love her and never want to break the bond we have. She does not know whether she loves her new flame. She is 46, start of menopause and scared of being left on the shelf, not one for datign websites or picking men at pubs etc and has said she gone for mate because she knows him. This has cut off my 'family' time as she and her kids were my normal day to day family with me having close access to my daughters a couple of times during the week.

 

I want her back but fear that she set on not being with me and part of the reason for getting new chap is to help with the 'it's over' process.

 

Any advice for me as I am struggling to come to terms and desperately want to get back with her?

[CatsMeeoow]

I'm very sorry for the turmoil you are feeling at the moment but the very first step you need to take is to recognize - its over.

 

I know its hard and its so easy to rationalize that she says "she loves you" but those are just words. I'm sure she no doubt has feelings of affection toward you given your history but if she really loved you and wanted to be with you she wouldn't be with your mate.

 

If you share children together the very best thing you can do for them is set up a formal visitation schedule that works for both of you and kids. They still need both of their parents and its helpful to have a routine of who sees them when. Gives them some stability in an unstable time.

 

Your best bet is to sit at this site and do lots of reading - search some old posts about relationships/break ups/make ups. You need to walk away and clear your head. The more you start at this point begging and making promises the more she is going to stick with the new guy.

 

You'll find lots of support in this site - many people going through the very same things you are and many people who have been there and found ways to move on either with their partner again or onto something better. Be prepared that there will be good days and bad and its normal. Use this site to vent and get things off your chest.

 

Hang in there... there is indeed a light at the end of the tunnel.

[NANsense]

It seems you were in agreement that the "partnership" was not going anywhere....is that something you now feel can be rectified OR do you hope to get her back as a girlfriend?

[shuttlefish]

Ouch, that's gotta hurt. Two thoughts:

 

1.) Your mate is an #$%@&. 3 billion women in this world and he goes out with her

2.) Search your heart...are you SURE you want her back? Or is it just your pride that is messing with you?

[Luigi68]

It was a challenge to get to the next stage as my 15 year old would not accept her. We ought to have just got together, lived together and let daughter get used to it but I was scared of losing daughter over it!! I have hope that we can get close again and work at it and believe we have so much in common. She does too but just not enough it seems.....at present i hope only

[Luigi68]

I really want to be back with her - never felt such a strong bond. We have been through some awful situations together and sttod by one another, domestic violence, hospitalisatioon, safe house, suicide of ex, etc etc etc and worked through it all!!

[CatsMeeoow]

It was a challenge to get to the next stage as my 15 year old would not accept her. We ought to have just got together, lived together and let daughter get used to it but I was scared of losing daughter over it!! I have hope that we can get close again and work at it and believe we have so much in common. She does too but just not enough it seems.....at present i hope only

 

Personally unless the woman you were with was or had been rude or abusive to you daughter I think you gave your daughter too much freedom in running your personal life. Divorce sucks. Its hard on the adults and the kids who have to learn a new way of life schlepping between homes. Its not glamorous and yes there are times such as with my husband - he's a much better dad and way more involved with his kids than when he was married. He was constantly told not to do it that way or he was doing it wrong when he was with his kids/helping them before he just stopped being around. I know its been hard on them to adjust to having separate parents then he remarries and then they now have an instant step family. We've given all the kids some extra leeway in that BUT, ultimately its our job to help them learn that life goes on... things change... sometimes for the better and sometimes not. Giving them skills now to cope with changes can only help them in the future. We always talk with the kids, let them know how much we lover them and we show that we recognize their points of view but ultimately they are minors in the eyes of the law and its our job as the adults to make choices which we feel are best for everyone.

 

I think you've been letting your daughter make your choices rather than helping her acquire the skills to be adaptive to her surrounds. You will have an uphill battle with not only her but this woman you supposedly love. If I were this woman and I had waited 6 yrs for someone who put the needs of their daughter before hers I would be moving on as well.

 

I stick to my original advice - you have to accept that its over. You have to move on. I'm not saying that there may not be a day where the two of you get another chance but you can't sit around waiting for it happen.

[NANsense]

I really want to be back with her - never felt such a strong bond. We have been through some awful situations together and sttod by one another, domestic violence, hospitalisatioon, safe house, suicide of ex, etc etc etc and worked through it all!!

 

In my opinion you left one very vital thing not worked on & that was her rlshp with your daughter...

 

Hindsight is always 20/20....in this instance I feel counseling between the two of them--or the three of you might have worked & sorted out your daughters issues with your X?....

 

The question is....is it too late?

[Luigi68]

Thanks for the prompt response. I had gone through the process of accepting we were no longer bf/gf and that we could see each other as best mates, do stuff together and always accepted that we would be a big part in each others lives. I turned up at the house to drop something off and she ushered me outside with 'i've something to tell you' then realised that he was in the house, and that she had started seeing him. My 'father figure role' for her kids in tatters and my head all over as I really thought that was my future! Clearly the times I see her now are more limited although she does still want to go on our pre-booked holiday and has told the new chap that she will be going with me and he has to accept it!

[NANsense]

Another question....you mentioned having close access to your daughters a few times a week....how much time are they with you exactly?

 

I'm a bit unclear as to how a daughter who was 9 when you met, through the age of 15, who wasn't keen on your GF, had as much influence as she seemed to have?

[Luigi68]

wednesday overnight and saturday tea through to sunday. My ex blames my gf for our marriage breakup and daughter was party to some of the horrendous things thrown about anfd formed her opinion. We had been unfaithful (for which there is no excuse really) but the circumstances that threw us together I would challenge anyone not to get wrapped up in emotion and maybe not make reasoned judgement calls

[NANsense]

Thanks for the prompt response. I had gone through the process of accepting we were no longer bf/gf and that we could see each other as best mates, do stuff together and always accepted that we would be a big part in each others lives. I turned up at the house to drop something off and she ushered me outside with 'i've something to tell you' then realised that he was in the house, and that she had started seeing him. My 'father figure role' for her kids in tatters and my head all over as I really thought that was my future! Clearly the times I see her now are more limited although she does still want to go on our pre-booked holiday and has told the new chap that she will be going with me and he has to accept it!

 

It sounds as though the main reason you're upset isn't the break-up, but losing your "father figure" status with her children...

 

Just to clarify, are any of her children also your biological children?

 

You seem to have a very strong family bond & are very protective of your ties to the children (yours and hers)...this is an admirable quality....surely you can understand her being really hurt by the past circumstances not promoting/offering her the ability to be close to your children?

[Luigi68]

No I am devasted to have lost the closeness of having someone to discuss my day with, be there for her and share life together, she was where I saw my future and to be replaced with such seeming ease cuts like a knife

[NANsense]

wednesday overnight and saturday tea through to sunday. My ex blames my gf for our marriage breakup and daughter was party to some of the horrendous things thrown about anfd formed her opinion. We had been unfaithful (for which there is no excuse really) but the circumstances that threw us together I would challenge anyone not to get wrapped up in emotion and maybe not make reasoned judgement calls

 

IMO It's always the best policy to keep this information from the children...but once it's done it's done & from that day forward honesty is always the best policy!

 

Are your daughters unaware that you continued a rlshp with her?

[NANsense]

No I am devasted to have lost the closeness of having someone to discuss my day with, be there for her and share life together, she was where I saw my future and to be replaced with such seeming ease cuts like a knife

 

IMO if you are going to try to get back together you need a plan & though it probably would mean hard work on your part--you'd have to be willing to stick to it and accept any bumps along the road....

 

Have you given any thought to speaking to a family counselor? Maybe you could devise a strategy to deal with this situation?

[Luigi68]

yes, but in the early days I sheltered them from it. her husband killed himself in horrendous circumstances and we were blamed from all angles although the fact that he had been abusing her for years and had put her in hospital was ignored. We both went through a tough time from that and i tried to protect my kids as bext i could from fear of losing them - we should have just set up home and dealt with the issues arising from there but we were dealing with so much else our thinking wasnt clear perhaps

[NANsense]

yes, but in the early days I sheltered them from it. her husband killed himself in horrendous circumstances and we were blamed from all angles although the fact that he had been abusing her for years and had put her in hospital was ignored. We both went through a tough time from that and i tried to protect my kids as bext i could from fear of losing them - we should have just set up home and dealt with the issues arising from there but we were dealing with so much else our thinking wasnt clear perhaps

 

With so much blame, shame, and guilt directed at you (rightfully or not) it's understandable that you wouldn't want to add more...

 

I meant that completely non-judgmental--I hope it came accross that way?

[Luigi68]

I feel i could write a book about the last three years and tried to pitch it right on here as I would be typing for days. As daft as it sounds I am not angry with her because I feel that 'mate' has been pursuing her and she is at a very low point health wise at the minute and think he has just been there! I have been so unhappy this week and normally I havea cheerful exterior despite whatever goes on in the background. I am told by single female friends that there are very few 'good guys' of my age out there and that I would be a good catch but I just cannot imagine being without the persona who i saw as a soul mate/best mate/gf and someone I wanted to become my wife in due course. Maybe I have dragged my heels too long.

[NANsense]

It seems to me that this last statement is correct....again hindsight is a good/bad thing....it's good if it gives us meaning to where we are at & allows you to either accept the current circumstance or repair mistakes and move forward....

 

IMO you avoided the messy situation of the GF/daughter issue a bit too long....

 

I don't think your X would accept going back to the old situation....the question is would/could you make a new/better situation? And how would you go abt that?

your thoughts?

[Luigi68]

i am strong enough of mind now to make the decision to move in, marry her and then deal with the fallout from that. It may mean I lose my relationship with my eldest for a while but sure that could be rectified, youngest at 12 is fine and has been away onshort camping hol. I do fear at present it is too late and I intend to try and toughen myself up, accept it's over for now, live a life where we remain good friends and hope that in due course she realises what she's lost. This may take some time given the new chaop buit I'm sure that is not a heavenmate relationship just one of convenience and company (that is not me being bitter either as I try and be objective on these things). I may have to play the long game, if someone else comes along for me, I may start to date but at the minute I feel I would be misleading that person as my loive lies elsewhere

[NANsense]

Considering your thoughts....do you plan to give her the option of moving in and marrying you now or not?

 

Just thinking that if this is truly what you want & she does too....maybe the option would be best put forth to her?

She may be (as you indicated) only with this man because she felt your rlshp was going nowhere....if that's true I doubt she would be giving you any options (marry/not) at this stage....she would most likely stay where she's at--feeling 6 yrs was long enough to wait...

 

just something to ponder...

[NANsense]

I hope this doesn't sound confrontational....but you sound like you are still on the fence...on the one hand you say "I'm strong enough to make it work" and on the other "I'll move on"....

 

This is a huge decision & being on the fence with it is OK....but in the end IMO what's best for you to accept is either taking the bull by the horns and trying to win her back & doing whatever that entails....or accepting it's over and moving on...

 

either answer would be very difficult for anyone in your position because they both would entail a lot of change & difficulty...

 

I would recommend again, seeing a therapist, if you'd like to talk out your decisions with someone in person...

[Luigi68]

Having listened to the responses tonight I feel an ideal situation would be that we went to counselling as a couple, moving onto family and then hopefully helping us both to realise where our hearts lay. Working together on this would give us the necessary direction.

 

We do still have an excellent relationship and when the time is right I could put forwward those thoughts in a logical manner. I suspect though this may fall on deaf ears at the minute given the 6 yrs bit (I know you are right here and regret not moving sooner but we got comfy and I was scarred and a bit relationship scared as i carried the guilt of everything for a long time. Counselling helped me to deal with that so I am not averse to that route. I am really appreciative of your advice. I have jumped about a bit in my summaries because simply there is sooo much to the situation or maybe I have overcomplicated matters

[NANsense]

Considering all the factors and rlshps concerned: you & your X, you & your children, she & your children, you & hers, the new guy, etc....I think you did a mighty fine job of presenting the facts clearly!

 

IMO that would be a really wise decision & since you already know how the process works, your knowledge of that would be a big benefit in helping to form a good plan with a therapist!

 

I'd love to hear how this works out for you!

[Luigi68]

Thank you. I will see how matters pan out, it may be a long process but to spend the rest of our lives together it would be worth it.