I need to break up with her...

[8888]

I'm at a point where I just can't handle this relationship anymore. I see things so clearly now and we've definitely been misatched. Why doesn't she see this too? I feel like she thinks that when two people argue a lot or see things differently, marriage is the magical solution. It'll only get worse. I fell in love with her and now she's totally different. I feel like I've been scammed and now that we've been together for 1.5 years it isn't acceptable to just end things. The worst part is that I'm acting like I'm ok when I'm really not. I know it isn't fair to her but I just don't know how to end things without it being a surprise. I find myself fantasizing about being alone and going on adventures and exploring new places and new people. Then I come back to reality and realize that I'm in a relationship and she is the last person I want to do these things with. I'm so frustrated.

[Eocsor]

Well, she hasn't really done anything wrong and she's probably in love with you so of course she thinks yiou're well matched. It takes two for a relationship to come apart so you've had your part to play here too. Thats not to say you shouldn't break up with her. If you don't love her, you don't. Be straight up with her and tell her it's over. Don't string her along anymore if she's not who you want. People are allowed to change their minds and as much as it sucks that appears to be whats happened to you. Just do it honorably and don't place the blame on her.

[8888]

I'm not placing the blame on her. We just argue a lot and don't see things the same way. And I've noticed a lot of childish like behavior and I have a hard time tolerating that. She just isn't the girl I fell in love with and I changed because of this. I'm not 100% into the relationship.

[tattoobunnie]

Break-ups aren't easy, and no matter how you try to make it pleasant or rational, you never really know how she'll take it. She may be seeing it the same way, and don't know how to tell you, except though marriage at you thinking it'll scare you. Or she may completely blow up on you, even if there are plenty of reasons why you don't belong together.

 

Just like a bandaid, rip it off. Going the passive-aggressive route where you try to get her to break-up with you is lame. Just go with, "the relationship is not working out." Sure, she'll probably play victim, but better get out before she gets strung along even further.

 

I doubt she's changed in a year and half. You're just not tolerating things anymore.

[Evilpumbaa]

It may be tempting to try proposing a break to try and ease her suffering from the break up. Don't go down this route. Asking her to wait around is not cool. If you feeling you have nothing left, you have to end it. The horrible part is you are going to break her. But that is something you can't stop. This is the one tome where you have to be selfish.

 

Try to be kind but honest. She wil hate you, but it is the kindest way.

[LoveSoDeep]

You argue all the time and she thinks the answer to that is marraige? If you really think its time to end it then that's is what you need to do. I would tell her the answer to fighting all the time isn't getting married, it's breaking up and that's what you are going to do. Tell her you feel she's changed or maybe you have both changed and it's just not working anymore. It may hurt it really is the right thing to do if you don't want to continue.

[8888]

It just so hard because I still care about her. I really don't want to hurt her. I went through the exact same thing with my ex. I'm starting to think that I'm not meant to be in a long term relationship.

[Chicklet]

What exactly do you fight about? Just because two people fight, doesn't mean that they don't love eachother and just because two people don't fight, doesn't mean that they DO love eachother. I've known many a relationships where they never fought and the really didn't love eachother....they were just relationships of convenience. You say you care about her......now, do you really mean that you love her? or you just care about not hurting her? If you don't love her...then you gotta move on. It's not fair to her........she'll find her happiness elsewhere, just like you will. Just be sure that you're okay with HER being with someone else too......you can't just move right back in to her life once her's starts progressing again without you.

[8888]

We fight about all kinds of dumb things. She has a problem that she hates being wrong and takes everything personally like I'm arguing just to piss her off. I really don't have this problem and whenever I argue with her it's because I strongly believe that she is wrong and maybe she can learn from it. And it's the way she argues that gets under my skin. When I argue, I say " I think it isn't this, or I think you might be wrong about that" because sometimes I'm not 100% sure. But with her, when she argues all I can focus on is her tone which is telling me " no you're wrong, you're an idiot". Not cool.

[Sim54]

Basically, at 1.5 years, the honeymoon is well and truly over, and you are now dealing with a flesh and blood person. You've entered the power struggle phase.

So many people breakup around the 18 month to 2 year mark as that is roughly when all the chemicals that bonded you when you first met have finally worn off.

She isn't different from the person you fell in love with. She hasn't change, you just weren't seeing clearly when you were in love. Now is the time to really get to know her.

Love isn't just a feeling, it's also an action, and a way of life, and a way of being with someone.

 

Perhaps you should stop pretending it's all ok, and actually be honest with her about how you are feeling. Tell her the truth. Don't break up with her just yet, but simply try being open with her. Honesty and openness have a tendency to create intimacy, and you never know, she might open up too, and instead of two love struck teenagers who are all disappointed that their fantasy didn't work out, you might find yourself turning into mature adults with a real relationship.

 

Give it a try, as you have nothing to lose by doing that, and everything to lose by hiding your true self.

[CMS]

you still care for her, do you love her? are you still in love with her? Think hard on those 2 first. I want an honest answer from you

[Chicklet]

Yep, I agree with the dude below me. If you can't handle her after a couple of years, you're never gonna be able to. I looked through your old posts....seems that you've been contemplating this since last Summer. Sounds to me like you already know what to do, especially since you didn't tell me that you were in love with her. Maybe an overlook on your part, maybe not? One thing is for sure.....life is too short to spend it with someone that makes you miserable. I'm on my 3rd longterm relationship (I am now 42) and while I'm a FIRM believer that couples fight (I did with the first two and do with the current one), if the couple is truly in love, they can weather any storm. I knew for a fact that I didn't love my first two guys anymore......I love this one, but hell....another thing that 42 years has taught me is that there are never any certainties.

 

I wish you nothing but luck. It sucks to be a rock in a hard place, it really does.

[Lavender25]

Good advice.

 

Chicklet, do you not accept PM'S?

[8888]

you still care for her, do you love her? are you still in love with her? Think hard on those 2 first. I want an honest answer from you

 

I'm not in love with her anymore.

[Chicklet]

Ummmm.....Just came to this site after leaving one for 8 years. I'm still trying to set everything up. I will take a look at that, because YES! I always love PM's! lol

[Chicklet]

Then there's your answer. There's never an easy way, but it must be done. She'll move on, as will you. It's how life works.

[8888]

Ahhh! This is driving me crazy. She really isn't expecting this. I'de rather get dumbed..no joke.

[Chicklet]

aaahhhhhh. you don't wanna be the "bad guy". Eh?? Have you tried to be the bad guy so that she will leave you? If you turned in to a giant * * * * , would she leave? Hell, that's not that right thing to do anyway. You're gonna have to do it. Another thing that I've learned is that we are all responsible for our own actions,

no matter how we want to feel about it. But if we want to live a happy life, unfortunately, we will have to hurt some people along the way. Sounds harsh, but if you REALLY think about it, it's true.

[Chicklet]

Another thing that I've learned is that we are all responsible for our own actions,

no matter how we want to feel about it. But if we want to live a happy life, unfortunately, we will have to hurt some people along the way. Sounds harsh, but if you REALLY think about it, it's true.

 

Well, where unhappy relationships go, that is.

[8888]

I know I know. I've done it many times unfortunately. And I've been dumped before too. Both aren't easy. I guess it's harder with her because she's so attached to me and she doesn't have many friends to hang out with. But you know what, it's time to think about what I want. She did just fine without me before we started dating. She'll be ok.

[Chicklet]

Best of luck!

[CMS]

You can do the brave thing and break up with her, or take the coward's way out by slow fade on her to force her to break up with you. IMO you already checked out of the relationship, there is no fixing at this point for you, its just going to get harder.

 

Think long and hard why are you not IN love with her anymore, figure out what you wanted and best luck.

[Sim54]

Why can't you just sit down and TALK to her about it?! Include her in what you are feeling! Don't just do it TO her, but do it WITH her. Does that make sense?

This is her relationship too, and she has a right to know what is going down. You have been lying to her and yourself for almost a YEAR now! Stop it and open up.

Of course you are not in love with her, you haven't even given it a chance since last summer. You've been hiding away. And it's IMPOSSIBLE for a relationship to work without total openness and honesty. You killed it ages ago.

[8888]

Why can't you just sit down and TALK to her about it?! Include her in what you are feeling! Don't just do it TO her, but do it WITH her. Does that make sense?

This is her relationship too, and she has a right to know what is going down. You have been lying to her and yourself for almost a YEAR now! Stop it and open up.

Of course you are not in love with her, you haven't even given it a chance since last summer. You've been hiding away. And it's IMPOSSIBLE for a relationship to work without total openness and honesty. You killed it ages ago.

 

I understand what you're saying. But like you said in your previous post, I was just blinded and she didn't change. I feel like now I really see her true colors and I can't see myself getting married and starting a family with her. Is it fair to be honest with her and tell her what I don't like about her. There's just too many things. I think it's best that she finds someone that loves her just the way she is. No?

[Chicklet]

I understand what you're saying. But like you said in your previous post, I was just blinded and she didn't change. I feel like now I really see her true colors and I can't see myself getting married and starting a family with her. Is it fair to be honest with her and tell her what I don't like about her. There's just too many things. I think it's best that she finds someone that loves her just the way she is. No?

 

Well, she's gonna want to know the reasons why, which is also going to POSSIBLY cause her some insecurity issues....best case scenario is that she takes a good look at herself and makes the necessary changes so that she can have a healthy relationship one day. Of course, when that day comes...she'll prolly be EXACTLY the girl that you want. Hmmmm.

 

Let me ask you this. Are you still telling her that you love her? Do you go out of your way to give her attention and affection? Or are you aloof and off doing your "own thing" for the most part. I'm just curious what it would be like to be a fly on the wall of your home. I mean, is she going to be taken aback by your news or will she have seen it coming?