pl3asehelp Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 It does NOT make you insecure to be turned off that your SO wants to have a threesome. You would really be showing your insecurity and low self esteem to just tolerate that kind of behavior from a SO. I'd stand up for yourself and tell him that this isn't something you're into and that if this is what kind of values he has regarding monogamous relationships, then you guys aren't compatible. Believe that he told you because he wants t to happen. Stand up for yourself if this isn't who you are - that takes guts and confidence. Contrary to popular opinion, good self-esteem does not mean tolerating any kind of behavior a person chooses to throw at you. You deserve someone who treats you how you expect to be treated and it's far from unreasonable to expect a partner who doesn't ask to sleep with your friends. You choose how you let other people treat you. Link to comment
kmh1239 Posted May 17, 2011 Author Share Posted May 17, 2011 It does NOT make you insecure to be turned off that your SO wants to have a threesome. You would really be showing your insecurity and low self esteem to just tolerate that kind of behavior from a SO. I'd stand up for yourself and tell him that this isn't something you're into and that if this is what kind of values he has regarding monogamous relationships, then you guys aren't compatible. Believe that he told you because he wants t to happen. Stand up for yourself if this isn't who you are - that takes guts and confidence. That's what I did-and I don't think he will ever bring it up again. He seems genuinely sorry he brought it up, which I'm glad about. I am glad that I stand up for myself in situations that upset me, even though other people think I'm overreacting. It just guarantees that things that I don't appreciate him doing won't happen again, and if they DO, then I have something to be mad about, because he knows how I feel about it. Link to comment
zakky Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 Thanks for opening up - its good to recognise these things. From what you say it appears that deep down you may have some low self esteem issues and I understand you. Maybe you don't feel good enough for him (or just don't feel that great about yourself sometimes), and that is ultimately what is the deeper issue here. I don't think there is a magic formula to make you more confident in yourself but i think confidence comes from having a full and varied life full of interests, connections, activities and family support. In the past i have felt the same and when I do I become aware that it has made me a little needy in a relationship with a tendency to attach more importance to the relationship than I should. I try and fill my time, expand my network and live life as fully as possible. Of course a relationship is important but it doesn't define you and you can be perfectly fine with or without your partner but sometimes we lose track of this. We should never fall into the trap that any one person is the be all and end all of us. For me, I found that hypnosis was great to program the mind and build confidence, people may disagree but it worked for me from a download from the internet. I would focus on you for a bit and make sure you are really feeling good about yourself because this will possibly raise its head again in other ways if you don't.. Link to comment
kmh1239 Posted May 18, 2011 Author Share Posted May 18, 2011 You make really good points, thank you Link to comment
lostnscared Posted May 18, 2011 Share Posted May 18, 2011 Meh, I'll be honest, the only time I have EVER done that was when I had an agenda. I don't know your bf, so don't know why he would tell you about the dream, but from an outsiders view I am betting that he wants a threesome and felt that this was the way to introduce it. I just don't know why else he would tell you that dream? I don't know if it's so much about him being attracted to your friend, as much as it is, that maybe he just wants to have sex with you and another girl. I would just let it go. If he brings it up again, then you can tell him that it's concerning you, but otherwise whether he had an agenda or not, it's a one time thing and you don't know what his intention was. Link to comment
kmh1239 Posted May 18, 2011 Author Share Posted May 18, 2011 Meh, I'll be honest, the only time I have EVER done that was when I had an agenda. I don't know your bf, so don't know why he would tell you about the dream, but from an outsiders view I am betting that he wants a threesome and felt that this was the way to introduce it. I just don't know why else he would tell you that dream? I don't know if it's so much about him being attracted to your friend, as much as it is, that maybe he just wants to have sex with you and another girl. I would just let it go. If he brings it up again, then you can tell him that it's concerning you, but otherwise whether he had an agenda or not, it's a one time thing and you don't know what his intention was. That's what I was thinking. He swears up and down that wasn't his intention, but I really don't know. Either way though, I'm pretty sure it won't be brought up again. However, now I can't help but think that I'm not enough for him Link to comment
lostnscared Posted May 18, 2011 Share Posted May 18, 2011 That's what I was thinking. He swears up and down that wasn't his intention, but I really don't know. Either way though, I'm pretty sure it won't be brought up again. However, now I can't help but think that I'm not enough for him Has he ever expressed interest in a threesome even in a joking way--or has he said it was a fantasy of his? Honestly it seems like a lot of men have that fantasy so I don't think it has anything to do with you not being enough for him(if he even wants a threesome) I think it's more like a fantasy for him and that's it. But honestly unless he brings up something relating to a threesome, I would just assume that it was a "dream" and that was it, and take his word for it. Because again, you don't really know what his intention was. He could have very well been just telling you about the dream without any other hidden agenda. Link to comment
kmh1239 Posted May 18, 2011 Author Share Posted May 18, 2011 Has he ever expressed interest in a threesome even in a joking way--or has he said it was a fantasy of his? Honestly it seems like a lot of men have that fantasy so I don't think it has anything to do with you not being enough for him(if he even wants a threesome) I think it's more like a fantasy for him and that's it. But honestly unless he brings up something relating to a threesome, I would just assume that it was a "dream" and that was it, and take his word for it. Because again, you don't really know what his intention was. He could have very well been just telling you about the dream without any other hidden agenda. To be honest, a threesome isn't something I'd picture my boyfriend wanting. His family is religious and (I could be wrong) feel like I am the most he's ever had(he wasn't a virgin, but we experimented). When he told me about his dream, I couldnt help but think think I wasn't good enough for him. I honestly think it's a self esteem issue, and much less to do with him than it has to do with me. I feel like until I am comfortable and happy with myself, I am going to have confidence issues. It's something I am definitely going to need to work on. However, informing me that he had a sexual dream involving my best friend wasn't something I was dying to know. Link to comment
zakky Posted May 18, 2011 Share Posted May 18, 2011 You are enough - focus all your energy on making YOU happy for a while, it will build you up and your confidence will radiate though. There is nothing more attractive than a secure confident woman and that comes from within Link to comment
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