Transitioning back from the Getting Back Together forum...

[mark4]

Well, I am back here.... after a couple months kidding myself in the Getting Back Together forum.

 

Just a brief note on my story: she decided she needed space in early feb - breaks up with me - I cry/beg/grovel for 1/2 weeks - I go NC for 2 weeks, start to feel great and independent.

 

SHE CALLS ME!.....

 

She decided she wants to tell me she will do anything for us to get back together because she missed what we had.

 

 

So for the last 2-3 months I took all my focus off me and put it into trying to impress her, taking her out for dates and things, meals, cinema - all that stuff.

 

It began to come clear that I had became a backup incase her new venture into the single life went wrong, I became her last priority after everything else and she blew hot and cold all the time.

 

I have fed her ego to the point she was completely over the break up and she is now full of confidence - my confidence the other day was at an all time low and hers seems to be at an all time high.

 

I have been doing all the chasing taking her out etc and she has been able to have her cake and eat it (having the single life - as well as me there as a backup)

 

So on the advice of my friends and some people in my last thread I have called it off, she has since been updating her bbm status with what a great time she is having on nights out and even randomly like (great night out..even better morning)... she never does that so it was clearly to try and say 'I dont care'...I guess anyway.

 

 

Well, I'm back here anyway... I thought she was the one so I risked all of my healing and now I'm back, and she is doing JUST GREAT!

 

All thanks to me....

 

 

Not really sure how I feel, disappointed, sad? At least I tried, I just dont know how she has been able to turn her feelings off?? Ive been there for her in the last 3 years more than her friends and even her family and helped her thru some pretty tough times, but she's decided she's just done now.

 

Her ego is so massive she thinks she is so great right now and she's going out like every night and spending money I know she hasnt got, it's like she's masking it with alcohol.

 

I wish I hadnt risked my healing because I am back here now and i'm gutted because I was doing so well before I fell for the phonecall which got me back right where she wanted me.

[ferna3069]

man im sorry to hear this. this girl your talking about sounds bad. it better that shes out of your life though. great people like you are hard to come by

[mark4]

thanks that's kind of you to say, i'm annoyed at myself because i've been through all of this already!!

[rkw]

Don't be mad at yourself. I know if my ex called me right now, I'd probably find it hard not to at least catch up with him. It gets our hope going, maybe they might be different this time. I guess one "positive" in this situation is that you've seen what this girl is capable of. You deserve someone who isn't so selfish and willing to crush you emotionally just to make herself feel better.

 

You were able to start feeling better the first time, and you'll be able to do it again.

[mark4]

It's pretty much all I can think about at the minute, i'm just gutted it's turned out this way. I thought the relationship was invincible which is why I fought for it. Feel like a total idiot now, I could have had three months of healing under my belt but now I just feel empty.

[mark4]

actually no, I am proud that I was able to remove myself from a situation that was ruining me as a person.

 

I am determined to get over this before she comes crashing back down to earth and her ego needs refuelling.

[Silverbirch]

She sounds like a nut case to me Mark.

[mark4]

She sounds like a nut case to me Mark.

 

haha that brought a smile to my face, your not the only person who has said that.

 

just need to start fetting on my life now, although it does feel a bit weird now.

[mark4]

Ah man, really struggling...

 

My heart feels funny like i'm anxious, all I can think about since I woke up is her and hoping I get a text off her like last time we called it off and I went NC.

 

I don't think that will happen this time though, I'm struggling to keep all the bad times in my mind and all the happy memories are just playing with my emotions.

 

It's so hard and I feel really down. I feel proper gutted today. Its the worst feeling in the world when all you want is to be wanted by the person they thought were the one but they managed to shut you out and start getting on with their life.

 

I don't want it to be like this

 

Everyone around me keeps telling me that they are glad that it's happened and they didn't like her for the way she has played this out, they are telling me I can do better in looks and personality but never wanted to say.

 

I just feel like they are just saying it to make me feel better because I just don't feel that way at all.

 

I feel like I will never be wanted again and it makes me feel rubbish, my confidence is so low.

[mark4]

My eye wont stop twitching, my brain must be so stressed - I think I need a kick up the backside and need to just get over it

[twitchyfingers]

Go easy on yourself, mark. You gave the relationship another go, and put your all into it...so at least there is no "What if? Maybe I should have tried again..." kicking around in your head. I think most of us dumpees would've jumped at the chance for a second chance with our exes, risks be damned.

 

Be proud of yourself for walking away from it when you realized it wasn't good for you. That took guts. Yep, there is the short-term pain, but long-term, you will be in a much better spot. Just gotta move thru it for now. It's a process you can't really rush, so "just get over it" isn't realistic. Instead, focus on learning about yourself, and self-improvement, while you go through the hard yards.

 

If there's a way to keep from seeing her updates, that will help a lot. She's acting out; you have better things to focus on.

[mark4]

Yeah I did, it's been expensive to me though. 2.5 months of potential healing time were spent on being her emotional crutch and a part-time ego booster. Now she thinks she is great, full of confidence and didn't need me around, and it showed. Ah i'm getting angry now at how she was with me, from crying on the phone to get me back where she wanted me, to being cold and emotionally just not there. I got her through the break up, I am so annoyed because I am suffering because of it.

 

I'm glad I ended it this time and got myself out of there, at least I have that. No questions left unanswered, but like I say it has cost me dearly.

 

I feel strange, like a piece of my life died, the lovely girl I fell in love with turned into something I could never love again. It's so heartbreaking.

 

There is one phrase stuck in my head and that is 'Everything happens for a reason'...

 

I don't see her updates now, she deleted me from bbm, she kept telling me to do it but I said why dont you? She said it didnt bother her, the next day when I posted a pic of me playing golf with my friends and changed my status about a great shot I had just hit, she deleted me. I updated that status and photo because I was out doing something healthy where as all her ''oo...look at me having a great time'' night after night statuses were all alcohol fuelled.

 

She never used to drink when we first met. How people can change, like I have said though I think she is masking it with nights out on the drink. I'm healing properly, i'm pleased about that from my point of view, i'm facing it, accepting it and getting on with it and wading thru all of the crap day by day.

 

I think when her money runs out and she realises what she has lost she will come back. Hopefully this time I won't be so stupid. No one is perfect but I know that I was a good boyfriend, I loved her, looked after her, paid for all of our dates, and gave her advice whenever she needed it, which by the way was A LOT of the time.

 

Thanks for your support twitchyfingers, which reminds me....my eye is still going crazy twitching!!!! It does my head in!

[dullmoment05]

Mark, I feel your pain. Just know that you have to keep moving forward. They will take all they can, since they are only looking out for themselves. You are already the past to them, why would they worry about you. You need to take care of yourself now. Keep going bro.

[mark4]

I feel sick like I have a knot in my stomach

[Radeon]

This sounds so awfully familiar. I was with a young immature girl like this up until last night when I couldn't take it anymore. Very very similar though.

When I met her she thought alcohol was "gross" and didn't really enjoy partying. One year ago she started going out every night and drinking heavily. Same bbm status bull too.

 

She dumped me and came back three weeks later telling me how shed do anything for us to be back together again. I took her back because I was desparate for her. I put up with the ill treatment while she did whatever she wanted. She lived life how she wanted especially because we were long distance. God knows what she was up to behind my back. But I know exactly how you feel. I best myself up constantly trying to be a better boyfriend for her because I blamed myself foe the breakup.

 

I'd spend nights disciplining myself and beating myself up for upsetting her. But last night I realized all this time, I had my problems, yes, but it takes two to tango. If one doesn't put in the effort you're better off alone.

 

You and I, we're strong for ending it like we did. Some men never get out of it. Don't sit and wallow over the tine wasted though. Just think about the future and what else life has in store for you.

[mark4]

wow, you sound almost like me talking! the situations are totally similar.

 

Do you get the feeling your ex will realize that the party girl lifestyle is actually not what she wants and attempt to make a comeback?

 

I have a feeling mine will, once her student loan dries up.

 

The one thing mine did to me which has hurt so much was talk somedays like we were going to be together forever still. Talking about houses and even kids names and stuff. Then a couple days later would hardly even wanna speak to me as if it was a headache.

 

I'm not counting days of NC this time... it's been since the weekend at some point, but i'm not going to count. I just want to forget about her, I want her to not enter my head the second I wake up.

 

I feel a bit low in confidence at the minute, but I need to stay positive, I want my mind to stop playing tricks on me and thinking of the good times because there were bad too. Especially in the last two months, it was not enjoyable in the slightest for me.

 

Felt a bit happier today though, like i'm not bad looking ive had girlfriends before and most importantly to me now I have got a good career path in front of me. So I have to concentrate on that.

 

I have a holiday booked with my friends! The first time since 2006 that I have been away with friends! Great! Looking forward to that.

 

Something just jumped in my head there, in the last two months of hell she was adamant that I book up with her friends and not her, and for me not to wait and see if we could still go away together as planned, she also would never agree to doing ANYTHING over summer. Everything was a maybe.

 

That now just screams to me that her intentions were NEVER to get back with me. I was just being used as an emotional crutch whilst she got over the break up.

 

I can't explain how rubbish that feels, I spent a lot of money in the last two months taking her on dates every week.

 

What a waste of time, good will and effort. I should be saving it for someone who will appreciate it because treating my girlfriend is something I like to do, but only now I have realised it can be taken for granted.

 

I feel like my heart was broken, and now it is back together but its not in the right shape and needs more work to be fully fixed.

[CMS]

The partying right now is just a phase, stemmed from repressed desires. Take a goody 2 shoes and never partied a lot for example, there will always be a voice in the back of their mind wondering what is it like to be on the other side (partying) even if they openly voiced or believed that partying style is not for them, once they get exposed to the said other side, its like tasting the forbidden fruit and the repressed desired burst forth from the confinement like water through dam, they will party it up extra just to make up for the lost time. But its just a phase and that phase will be over too, but the duration of that phase is unpredictable at best and varies from situation to situation.

 

It is perfectly normal to feel less confident after the BU, even the most confident people would feel like crap after being dumped. Its now your job as a dumpee to pull yourself out of that pit, rebuild the confidence level from scratch. There are many things that you can do to help that, go to gym and lose a few pounds is a great way, you look better and you feel better which ultimately make you feel more confident; Focus on your job is another way, do well at work and get a promotion or praise is another good confidence booster; Lastly do something you are good at repeatedly is another great confidence booster, I mean nothing boost the confidence knowing that you are good at this and knowing that the job will be done properly.

 

I would personally avoid hitting on the opposite sex right after BU, start by talking to your friends of other sex and get comfortable with just conversing with them, its a no pressure way of brush up your conversation skill without the risk of getting rejected (rejections are a big hit to the confidence level especially so soon after BU).

 

Keep busy and start healing. Remember one person's trash is another person's treasure

[mark4]

I went out last night and woke up this morning and burst into tears, I feel like i'm going to have to live with this forever I just cant shake it off. I can't talk to anyone now because i've told everyone i'm fine but in my heart i'm not. I'm totally broken. I miss her and its really hard living without her.

 

This is a horrible morning, it feels like it did the first day she broke up with me.

[professorplum]

I know exactly how you feel mark. I am waking up at 5 or 6 most mornings with this pain about being dumped last week by text (real shock as you can imagine) and cannot get back to sleep. I go over and over things because she feels I am mainly responsible for what has happened - it's never that straight forward though. I so want to talk things through but she is ignoring me at the moment. I think you need to concentrate on getting through each day for now, look forward to the holiday with friends and only give her so much time per day in your head. At least you seem not tempted to break NC. I think part of the problem is it is the weekend and normally you have to make more of an effort because you are at work.

[lonelyinSA]

mark - I think we have a similar story in that I find myself back to square one after a second chance, actually it's a third chance. We were so great together, but she has done things twice behind my back now in the last year that have broken me. I just posted a new thread called "Need encouragement to walk away" on this forum, so go there if you want to read up instead of me hijacking your thread.

 

I'll just say I think the partying thing is a phase - my ex has gone through that twice - and that it is not fair how our exes can present themselves as so uncaring about something you and I both know they really did care about. It's like their heart went missing.

 

I am not contacting her anymore. I'll reply to her depending on what she wants, but I'm working on moving on … again. It hurts, but no one said love comes easy. My therapist told me to get everything off my chest that I want to say to her (I did last night in a letter) and then pretend like she is dead to me. That sounds mean, but that's what we must to do move on … go back to the time before they even existed in our lives. We just need the magic formula to get us there.

 

Good luck to you in this recovery.

[mark4]

thank you, I think it was the hangover? I just cried and cried like it had just happened. I feel okay now, but it's worrying that it's still inside of me. I know I am stressed too because I cant get my eye to stop twitching. I feel like slapping myself and shouting COME ON MAN MARK!!! I want to beat this, I want to be happy, I want to not miss her, I want her out of my head.

[CMS]

I hear ya man. I am nursing a massive hangover right now and I felt like absolute crap this morning when I woke up from my one night stand. I should be happy that I got laid last night but all I felt is strange emptiness and sadness, its like an important part of myself is missing.

 

I did not plan on the one night stand it just happened, but I do not think I am emotionally capable of being with a girl right now even if its just sex.

 

Mark I want to beat it too and I am absolutely sure that we can in DUE time, I guess just have to ride with it.

 

BTW I went for a run just now and it really helped clearing your head. Try that

[mark4]

I hear ya man. I am nursing a massive hangover right now and I felt like absolute crap this morning when I woke up from my one night stand. I should be happy that I got laid last night but all I felt is strange emptiness and sadness, its like an important part of myself is missing.

 

I did not plan on the one night stand it just happened, but I do not think I am emotionally capable of being with a girl right now even if its just sex.

 

Mark I want to beat it too and I am absolutely sure that we can in DUE time, I guess just have to ride with it.

 

BTW I went for a run just now and it really helped clearing your head. Try that

 

 

You went for a run on a hangover! haha I don't think I can handle that, i'm really fragile!

 

At least that you got some action I feel like totally low on confidence like no-one wants me! I hate it, i'm not trying to get with other girls. I dunno if i'm ready?

I'm going to be so proud of myself when I get through this, when I ACTUALLY don't care about her anymore and I have FULLY moved on.

 

Right now i't still not there because I still cry when i'm alone, and it's in my mind all day.

[CMS]

ha, the run sucked, I stopped twice to throw up but it did clear the head. I know how bad your confidence took a hit after the BU, I was right there too. But like I said, your confidence will come back, mine did when began to talk to girls (girls I already knew and have no intention to date, just talk and interact) and was able to have some good laughs with them. Appearance helps too, bought some nice shirts and doubled my workout schedule (now working out 6 days a week). People will notice it and like it and thats a huge confidence boost. Baby steps man, you can do it.

[mark4]

I just broke down because I saw she has detagged loads of our photos on facebook