Was sleeping with my best friend a mistake?

[RealCity19]

I considered my best friend to be my ex who broke up with me 3 months ago but I always had this girl who is my best friend outside of a relationship, basically like my sister. We talk with each other about everything including love life etc. We are so close that if it comes to relationship advice, we tell each other the cold hard truth. We are both very protective of one another and don't sugar coat anything as we both care so much for one another. She was friends with my ex but she told me she would not let us get married had it gotten to that because she does not trust my ex and she is a divorce waiting to happen. I give her the same in return, she was seeing a boy and I thought he might be using her, so I told her. Come to find out she was trying to make their relationship work and out of nowhere he just stopped talking to her after she didn't sleep with him on a recent trip they took(they had slept together before.) We always have the time of our life together and are always smiling/feed off of each other very well, but we both know dating would be a bad idea. We all have the same mutual friends and she was friends with my most recent ex and still is a friend with another ex of mine. I will be honest I have never thought of her in any other way but as a friend but the past two times we have gone out we have been very touchy feely at the end of the night, holding hands etc. Honestly, I have never been sexually attracted to her but she has the personality every guy is drawn towards including myself.

 

Well this weekend we both got very drunk and not only made out for the first time, but had sex for the first time. Leading up to this we were holding hands and kind of all over each other. We both stopped midway through sex and I went and slept on the couch, just knowing, this is wrong(on both ends)...So I woke up the next morning and went to the bathroom which happens to be right next to her room, she comes out and grabs me and is flipping out. Not mad, but what happened and oh crap this is going to kill our friendship kind of flipping out. At the same time, we both said we didn't regret it but we knew it was wrong. For the next hour or so we cuddled(very unlike us.) I had to leave due to prior engagements, but oddly enough, I really would have liked to stay in that bed. We both agreed to not tell anyone and if we absolutely needed to talk we would talk to each other about it(I trust none of you will tell.) We talked this morning and just kind of got it out there. Saying hey, that was not right, there would be so much drama that came with that and we both have a lot going on in our lives right now with both our personal and work lives. I digress, she said it was a relief knowing that I knew it might not be the best thing. We are both very sarcastic and can joke so we even joked about the sex almost in a flirting manner the past couple of days.

 

She wants nothing but friendship as I think losing one another would be a big hit to both of us and I agree to a point. This said, there is a reason obviously we have been on one another the past two times we have hung out, granted, both situations alcohol induced.

My parents love her like she was their own and her parents feels the same towards me. My mother recently cornered me and asked why we aren't together, that we just seem so happy all of the time together. I said we just can't do it.

 

We are on fine terms right now, the same ol' us. That said, what should I do if this arises in the future? I am not a big one night stand type of guy but like I said, I didn't hate the experience, I just know it was not right. Knowing it's not right I still think about it a ton and kind of want it again. Anyone else have advice based on experience or the best way to handle this?

[DigitalSpy]

This is the second story I have read like this in just over a week. Two people who are clearly so compatible but they have managed to convince themselves that its not "right". Why?

 

Aside from loosing your friendship, what are you both afraid of? Everyone around you can see it, so why can you guys? I genuinely am curious about this.... If it were me I would sit her down and talk to her. Say "look what ever happens our friendship will remain at the end of it, but I really think we should give dating a go". To me its worth taking the risk.

 

You clearly love each other, but perhaps you don't see it as "love love" either way you two would have some seriously strong foundations to base a relationship on, surely its worth a shot right!?

 

But hey, it might just be me....

[lavenderdove]

If you want to maintain the friendship i would suggest you not let it happen again. Usually you can get back on track again right away if you have a sense of humor about it and just immediately go back to the friendship and redraw the line and don't do any cuddling or handholding etc.

 

btw, there is nothing wrong with turning a friend into a romance if you've both agreed to it and think it is a good idea. But if you go down that path, then it doesn't work out, it usually wrecks the friendship if one person's emotions are involved and the other person's aren't.

 

But i would really talk it thru with your friend, to ask her why she doesn't thinking dating is a good idea, and the same for you. But don't attempt dating unless you are really sure it might have a good chance of succeeding.

[lastcall23]

I had a similar friendship of about 5 years. My best friend was a guy, like my big brother/protector. We had the exact same relationship as you describe with your friend though we never go physically involved.

 

Sadly, my friend and I had to end our friendship because he was starting to treat me like his girlfriend and I did not have those feelings for him at all. I could not see past our friendship, even when I tried because I knew we were so compatible that it would more than likely have worked but I just couldn't. I hate to say it but if you two have feelings for each other, your better off acting on them and turning it into a relationship. This kind of situation can get extremely messy, trust me. If the feelings are there, and mutual, I guarantee less harm would be done and a friendship salvagable if you two were ever to break up. If you left it this way, having those sorts of feelings towards what has happened between you two, eventually one or both of you could become jealous or possessive when seeing the other with someone else, and not even realize the way you are acting. That ruins the friendship worse than dating would. I think if you two have an open line of communication like you say. Sit down and talk about the possibilities of being together. Be completely upfront and honest about your feelings and she will do the same im sure.

[RealCity19]

I understand your reasoning DigitalSpy. I guess where I run into bumps in the road is starting a relationship with someone too soon following my past relationship. One, I am not over my ex girlfriend. It's been three months and I have been NC for two now but to say I have let it go, I would be lying. Me and her started as just friends, were very close for about 6 years before we started dating and now I am at a point where I am cotemplating a friendship with her(She did however screw me over so that makes it easier to get over.)

 

I certainly don't want to rush into anything. I recently have however gotten a lot more excited about hanging out with her when we do hang out. The first time we got close all of our friends were out of town doing separate things whether it be a wedding, visiting family, vacation, etc. She came into town(live a couple hours apart but a very easy drive) just to hang out for a weekend, nothing better to do. We ended up having a blast. We left the weekend and could not stop talking about how much fun we had. We held hands which is uncommon and were just genuinely happy. It's hard to put into words why it would not work. I guess the cuddling after the sex is what threw me off. We were both doing it but both agreed it was not right.

 

I guess I should just let the pieces fall into place? Give it time?

[lavenderdove]

It you just don't address your feelings directly and let it take the line of least resistance, the whole friendship could eventually implode... i.e., if you just drift into sex whenever you're drunk or don't have another person in your life, or you're bored and nobody else is around, that can trash the friendship over time because you keep using it as a fallback plan without much thought, and will have awkward/confusing spells where you're not sure what the other person wants or what they are thinking or where it is going (if anywhere).

 

So you need to discuss it openly, and either get a commitment from both of you to try to have a relationship and see where that goes, or to not have a relationship and quit playing with fire.

 

Almost all instances i know of where friendship has gone into a romance or lots of sexual activity, ultimately the friendship falls apart when one or the other falls in love and wants it to go farther, and the other person gets attracted to some new person and wants to revert it back to just friends. The one who fell in love is heartbroken at losing the romance and can't continue in the friendship, and the one who didn't fall in love is heartbroken from losing a friendship that was important to them. So the situation is indeed playing with fire and fraught with risks, and should not be something you think you can just drift in and out of with no consequences. You need to talk about it openly, decide which way you want to go, and then stick to either friends, or pursue the romance in the same manner you would pursue anyone else new you met that you were interested in dating.

[RealCity19]

I know where you are coming from. We are very open with one another. We actually just recently went a week without talking. She was seeing the guy and I told her I had a bad feeling about him, she got defensive which is fine. I told her she needs to figure out what it is because they have been talking since October but never commit to anything, but she started liking him. She went on a trip with him and I told her to figure out what it is, that she deserves to know what is going on with this guy who is sleeping with her, yet contacts her sporadically and she has developed feelings for. I got kind of upset with her, I told her this happens to you all of the time and then the guy hurts you even more by cutting off all contact....what do you know a few days later she hasn't heard from him. She was afraid to tell me so we didn't talk for a few days and honestly it felt very weird. So this past weekend we talked about it. I told her I could never be mad at her truly, I just care too much. We get into spats like a couple, but we both realized and discussed that the only time we do is when we hear the truth and it's not what we want to hear. We always apologize because we know we both have each other's best interest in mind.

 

Honestly, I love have opening relationships like this with the opposite sex. I am protective and her to me and I think we both like that feeling. To this point, we let each other make our own decisions but we are also truthful in our feelings towards them. Also, in the week we didn't talk I thought about the two of us and what she means to me. That is where the confusion sets in. I think she put her foot down in saying that she just wants the firendship and none of the unnecessary drama involved. I for some reason don't see that as the case. There is a reason we have been all over one another the past two times spent together. That is why I want to let things play out.

[RealCity19]

So I have not talked to her about it, but did find out some interesting news. The guy who used her for sex who she started to fall for even though I warned her, well she texted him the night after we had sex. She hadn't heard from him in a week and apparently he didn't respond that night either, so she got really upset Saturday night, which I was not with her, but she just got down and went to bed. I guess that answers my question and whether I should pursue or not. I think I am going to just give her space to figure herself out.