Please help, I'm falling apart

[chilla]

My boyfriend left me after 3 years. I had a susspision that he was cheating but he said he wasnt. He left on real bad terms and we ended up back together. I became pregnat and when I was 5 months pregnant I found out that he had been having an affair with a girl he worked with for 6 months. My daughter is 4 months old now and I can't seem to get over it. He did alot of terrible things to me during the time he was cheating. He told me then it was cause he was having an identity crisis. Stupid me I believed him and went after him when he left. He says he loves me to death and he has been trying to do anything he can to help me but it's not working. My life is falling apart, I can't shake the feelings of hurt that he put me through, or the visuals of them together. Please someone help. What do I do?

[OhJeeeez]

Ok, this may sound silly and many may not agree with me, but I think you need to forgive him for what he did to you and move on as friends.

 

The baby makes a whole world of difference in this case. I am a father of a 4 year old son who is my life. I broke up with my girlfriend, she came to me telling me she was pregnant so we tryed to work it out. 3 years later, she cheated on me. It took me a long time to get over what she did to me, but in the end, all it took was forgiveness. I realized that it wasnt my fault and I actually control how much pain I am in. What she did to me was the worst thing anyone has in my entire life.

 

But, she is my mothers son and I had to find a way to get over it, for my sons sake. So I forgave her for what she did and I moved on. People make mistakes, we are only human. That doesn't mean you have to forget and run back to him. Never forget, that, makes you stronger. But forgiving him, lets you move on.

 

Hope I helped you..

[Dezeard]

I actually agree. Just make end on good terms with him and move on. It'l make it easier on you, and trust me, the baby dosn't need to grow up early around such negativity.

[chilla]

The thing is we are still together, I cry alot but keep a positive attitude around both my kids. I love him very much and thats why I'm hurting so bad after this. It's just I don't know how to teach myself to move past it and strenghthen our relationship, and impure thoughts cloud my head, like when he touches me a certain way I think to myself "did he touch her like that" does he think of her or is she just a bad memory to him now after it causing so much trouble in all our lives. He knows how bad he hurt me and says he would die before ever hurting me again, he is really good to me again, but I feel like I'm pushing him away all the time cause I can't stop thinking about it. Will it ever go away??????????????When??????????

[Celadon]

Chilla, you're carrying a heavy load right now, so if you can find some ways to treat yourself well and pamper yourself, I think that will help. I don't know if you experienced post-partum depression, but having a baby, combined with the shock of your ex betraying you, is enough to leave you still feeling hurt.

 

I know what you feel like. My ex strung me along, saying he wanted to be with me and yet claiming he couldn't commit because he was still finding himself. Looking back on things, he was just using me because he didn't want to be alone. He didn't think about my feelings; he was just manipulating me so he could get what he wanted. He treated it like a game; not like love.

 

My ex is also seeing someone, so I know how treacherous it is to think about "them." If you can, put him out of your mind. It only brings on pain.

 

I agree that forgiveness is powerful. For some of us, it takes multiple times to forgive. If you do forgive, you do it for yourself as much as for him, if not more. Decide to put him out of your thoughts. You are a wonderful person, and a better than your ex because you know the meaning of love and faithfulness. Take care and I hope some of this helped.

[Celadon]

Hi again, Chilla. I think we posted at the same time, and now I realize your situation's different than I thought. So disregard my previous post.

 

I agree with the others-- try to forgive him. And if you can go to counseling to put aside these feelings of distrust, try to do that too.

 

I hope everything works out for you.

[hurtabandoned]

My husband cheated on me and we are still together. I understand what you are going through. It takes so much to get past something like this but if the two of you are willing it can happen. Negative thoughts still cross my mind once and a while but what helps is realizing that they are just that ... thoughts. What has been done has been done. I look forward and not back.

 

The thoughts you are having right now are normal and with the passage of some time they will fade. The time it takes to heal is different from person to person. Try to keep the focus on your children. For me, my daughter was what kept me going.

[mscolly]

.. impure thoughts cloud my head, like when he touches me a certain way I think to myself "did he touch her like that" does he think of her or is she just a bad memory to him now after it causing so much trouble in all our lives...

 

Ask him, directly. He put those thoughts in your head, he made you suffer this way, the least he can do is to help soothe you. But for you too. You might discover that he actually suffered during the affair. That he is suffering looking at you suffer. Ask him. Talk about it till you're blue in the faces. One piece of advice, avoid exasperating each other when you can't seem to understand or empathise on some point. Either stop talking about it for a while, or talk with some third person around whom you both trust. Don't wonder, try to get to the facts. If it's worth saving your relationship, it's worth fighting for it. And part of the fight is with yourself.

 

Oh, and forgiving is a daily battle. If you're religious, pray for it daily, even when you think you've already forgiven him. I know I do, and that I have to.