My former fiancee's family is not supportive for no good reason?

[Nikki11]

My problem is the guy that I was engaged to, broke things off because his

family was not supportive, simply because I did not visit his dad when he was ill,

and I did apologize for it. It been nearly 4 months now, and he hardly contacts me but says that

he is trying to resolve the issues and don't know when would that time be, so I am in limbo.

 

What should I do, I do contact him now and then to ask about his dad, and he suggested that we

could meet one weekend, but he never gives a date and says it's tentative. I think he wants to straighten out his issues but not sure if he is in the process of doing so?

I have decided to stop contacting him and get on with my life, as he has me hanging?

[agent1607307371]

How ill was his Dad?

[DN]

And why did you not visit him?

[Nikki11]

His dad was very ill, but recovered in a matter of days, and I wanted very much to visit him then, so my ex got the impression that I did not care, understanably, and I have expressed my regret, but his mom refused to let me visit after I told her that I was so sorry. Now, as time passes, I am not sure what to do anymore. He likes to please his family, but I know he likes me, and not sure if he can work it out??

[DN]

His dad was very ill, but recovered in a matter of days, and I wanted very much to visit him then, so my ex got the impression that I did not care, understanably, and I have expressed my regret, but his mom refused to let me visit after I told her that I was so sorry. Now, as time passes, I am not sure what to do anymore. He likes to please his family, but I know he likes me, and not sure if he can work it out??

So you didn't visit while he was very ill? Could you have?

 

In any event, if they have the impression, rightly or wrongly, that you are not going to be a good 'fit' into their family, and his family mean a lot to him, then that is a hard barrier to break down. Do they have other reasons not to like you?

[Nikki11]

Thanks for your response DN, I appreciate it. I am 4 years older, and he is a bit more settled down than I am. I am working and also a student, so I guess it's possibly other factors involved but they were okay, up until his dad got ill, so that does not seem fair, he should have defended me, if he really cared. I could have visited, but I never really felt a closeness with his family and wanted to respect their privacy, but I guess it worked out worse than I expected. Right now, I have stopped contact, I know it's a hard situation for him, but I still hope he can talk to his family, esp. him mom and work it out, after all, we were once engaged, how bad could it be?

[DN]

The problem with expecting to be defended is that if he thought you were wrong it would be hypocritical.

 

I realise that saying what you should have done may be too late - but don't you think that one way of drawing closer to his family would have been to go visit his Dad and show concern? Or at least ask if you it would be OK if you did. Did you send any messages of concern to his father or to his mother? I don't mean via your ex but a card or flowers?

 

Do you think that the lack of closeness with his family may have caused some resentment on their part and your not going to visit was the incident that confirmed in their view that you are not really a suitable partner for their son? Perhaps the fact that you are older and a student may play into that as well.

 

You say you think he might want to straighten out his issues. What issues?

[Nikki11]

DN, thank you again, I did send a card, flowers to express my concern.

But no expression of thanks from his family, only him.

 

When I got engaged, his mom was not very happy, I could tell, but it did not matter to him - age or otherwise. I have never met his sister, because he refused to meet me in the first place, even before we got engaged. She is also single and unmarried. Perhaps I should have made the effort to go visit his dad, but I still want to very much, but his mom refused, that does not seem right to me?

 

Lack of closeness was not because of me, it was because of his family, I wanted so much to meet his sister, she flatly refused. Who is really wrong here?

 

His issues have mainly to do with his mom, who is not supportive of our relationship, he wants to speak to her, and his family and then and only then he will feel good about meeting me again, at some point, at least that's the impression I get. We were to meet tentatively this weekend, mother's day, but he never got back to me, so I am just not contacting him right now, I think it's for the best. If he wants a future with me, he is in his late thirties , and should be able to work things out for himself and speak to his family like a man.

[DN]

I think you would be wise not to attack him in such terms if you want to have a chance with him again. Using words such as "like a man" because he isn't doing what you want him to do won't serve you.

 

Have you any idea why his family don't like you or approve of the engagement? There has to be something to cause his sister to refuse to see you. Have you ever done anything that would provoke such a reaction?

[rubberducky]

Only because his family doesn't support of OP doesn't necessarily mean that it is because of something that the OP may or may not have done. I believe that sometimes parents can have their own bias. For example, me and my ex are from different cultural background. When I met his mother, I was aware that she didn't know too much about my culture and I'm pretty sure must have stereotyped me. The culture that I come from is more conservative than theirs but that doesn't mean that I am all backwards and what not. No, it only means that I was brought up with different values and beliefs which aren't necessarily wrong. In fact, the first time I met my ex's mother I went to his place wearing a short skirt with tights underneath. Before his mother came home, he asked that I get rid of the tights and to present myself with just the short skirt, so that his mother doesn't get the impression that I aint 'open minded'.

[Nikki11]

Could it be that his sister, who is my age, and not married, is a bit jealous ? She never gave me a chance, anyways, you are right, I should not attack him, but he has to make up his mind, and not leave me hanging, in any case, I have decided to stop all contact with him, and just get on with my life.

We are both of the same background, ethnicity, perhaps a slight difference in culture, but we have common interests, education etc. and we like each other. I think his dad is very ill and his mother is overly dependant on him, and just can't give up her son. His mom will make him into a lonely man, for sure and will keep on dominating his life.