You give, they take, they say goodbye. Who's really losing out?

[ladyninja30]

It is very nice to know they are the ones losing out!! I have heard some stories about my ex with this new girl that make me realize he seriously downgraded and now he's doing bad in school. My thoughts go aww too bad that your unhealthy relationship is starting to show in your schoolwork, sucks for your karma.

[Silverbirch]

LOL Ladyninja, if your ex is anything like mine, he will soon be blaming her for this. He's been mucking around with a pHd for years, and has been given an ultimatum. When he was first with me and people would ask him about it, he would say he had much better things to do with me (inferring sex) than working on his thesis. Then over the years, there were plenty of other excuses, none to do with himself. Last time I saw him, asked how it was going. Now, considering how he has treated me, that he is seeing a woman I believe he is obsessed with as well as other female "friends, it's laughable that he replied that he can't concentrate on it because of the break-up, that he has been so distressed. Yeah, right.

[blackhawks1287]

Haha lady. Mine too. She was even doing bad in school when we first started dating (lied to me about it lol). She is impulsive and compulsive. In the midst of breaking up she got a new job at a restaurant/bar, quit her old one on the spot (gave her my two cents for how that was wrong). I am assuming with the party lifestyle only getting worse, and seeing pictures of her where she gained some weight she really isn't thinking about the healthiness of her life instead of how she should actually be bettering herself for the future.

 

Makes me happy, and I know your happy when you hear such news. I mean it is terrible for them and you wish they would wake up, but..gotta love karma.

 

And yeah tiredofgames (which we all are) everyone on here can relate so much to one another, it is so motivating and inspiring because even though the trend may show that we are the unfortunate ones, we all know who the better people are and how much better we will become.

 

GO US! haha.

[Kev0s1983]

^ that must feel really reassuring ladyninja I find myself 12,000 miles away now and keep in contact with nobody mutual. Havent snooped once other than once early on first few days we were still in contact but not on fbk. NC has been total other than an email or two from her lovely mother - who i adore. Never mentioning the ex but I made the decision to stop that a couple of weeks ago.

 

I know that the new relationship with her chap probably wont last. But I know nothing about it or have an easy ability to find out.

 

Despite the improper conduct of my ex I still wish her no harm. I dont think I ever have... Im not sure if that means I still have a fair way to heal or just... I dunno... I care for her a lot still.

 

ToG - Be good to share some beers with you guys and share stories in person

[ladyninja30]

It's very reassuring you guys. He just started grad school last year so he will (maybe) finish his phd in the next 3 or 4 years or so. He got rejected by the advisor he really wanted and had to settle for one he would say was a lesser one. The advisor isn't agreeing with him and isn't liking his work. My ex was last heard saying he was thinking of taking on math education instead after he's studied number theory for so long. The jump from number theory to math ed would be like getting demoted from admiral to sailor. My speculation is that since new girl is so demanding, controlling and manipulative, that she takes his time away from his work so he isn't doing a good job anymore. He has to have this advisors approval to do research so he can teach at a university level and make more money, teaching with a degree in math ed will get him a much lesser position somewhere else and certainly not at a major university. The other thing totaly not related to any of this story that is making me die laughing is that a few of my friends from my work met him and her at a party recently and these girls happen to be gay. I was walking a tad on cloud 9 when they told me the girl was so not cute and actually just kind of nasty. It is far funnier to me to hear that gay girls find a straight woman to be a dog rather than my guy friends (and his friends and family) thinking she's god awful...like I said earlier sucks for your karma.

 

Be good to share some beers with you guys and share stories in person

 

I like this. I almost wish I could make it out to Australia. I want too someday..if I ever do can I join the fun of having beers and sharing stories?

[Kev0s1983]

The more the merrier

[90_hour_sleep]

The more the merrier

 

are you advocating healing orgies, kev?

[mad rabbits]

badhabits- The way I see that quote is that everyone you know, whether it be friends, family or lovers, they have all done something that may be forgivable yet still hurt your feelings in some way. Lies, broken promises, arguments that have resulted in nasty and harsh things were said. You know it hurts but you make up, talk it out, apologize. You love them enough to rekindle that bond but if in the end you have no desire to make up at all then clearly it was not worth suffering for.

 

Yeah, that makes sense. Its true that even those who love you will hurt you to some degree. But if people are going to hurt me willfully or blithely then they can go jump as far as I'm concerned.

[Kev0s1983]

^ haha 90, thanks man, jus spat water on my laptop

[ladyninja30]

Yah 90 that was pretty funny, nice one. Dang a few of you guys live in Australia, someone send me tim tams! LOL

[blackhawks1287]

Reading through all of this, taking a deep breath, and then I said "Thank gosh...." As much as I think it sucks that I was betrayed, I am so happy it is over. I am so happy that I no longer have to worry about any of it lol. I love this bantering back and forth.

 

You guys are awesome, and beers in Australia would be awesome! haha. Healing orgies...hmm...sounds like a new fad Part of me wishes I saw this site a long time ago, but everything happens for a reason as they say. I am not a big believe in it, but when enlightening discoveries like this happen, where you are able to see objectively, pushes to make me a believer.

 

Opened up a fresh one and I toast to all of you, our combination of emotions that help make us stronger, even though we don't know each other, nothing is wrong with expressing ourselves for the greater good of the community in hopes to make everyone a better and more enlightened person. Cheers guys and gals.

[TiredOfGames]

are you advocating healing orgies, kev?

What in the world did I miss during my absence???!!!

[90_hour_sleep]

You guys are awesome, and beers in Australia would be awesome! haha. Healing orgies...hmm...sounds like a new fad Part of me wishes I saw this site a long time ago, but everything happens for a reason as they say. I am not a big believe in it, but when enlightening discoveries like this happen, where you are able to see objectively, pushes to make me a believer.

 

objectivity.

 

no idea what's right or what's wrong...but i've always thought that things just happen. we make the reason behind the rhyme (that phrase always seemed kinda backwards to me). kind of like the chicken/egg debate. which came first...the rhyme or the reason???

 

maybe everything we perceive is just an interpretation of a neutral event. maybe we don't really love other people...we just love our own idea...our own idealization...our own hope in who we think that person is. if we really love that person...why do we fall out of love? really...i think that's an amazing question if one actually thinks about it. why do we fall out of love. i think it's a giant paradox to be honest. waaaaaaaaaaaaah!! don't imagine i'll get much support for that particular notion though.

 

back to the orgy.

[TiredOfGames]

On reflection it's not like we really expect anything in return when in a loving relationship. We give out of love, unconditionally. But... reciprocation of that love is all we really look for. This shouldn't be too difficult for someone that truly loves you.

 

Are we blinded by our love? Most certainly, at least to a degree.

 

Do we realize we are doing a majority, if not all, of the giving? I think it takes a certain amount of time to actually realize this. For me it was several months before I began questioning what was happening. Then several months more before I decided that enough was enough.

 

I think we do keep on giving for a long period of time because of the love we have for our S.O., and we do it without question, because that's what loving somebody unconditionally is about.

 

Was my ex willingly taking advantage of me? Maybe not so much at the beginning. But she certainly checked out of the relationship long ago, which is why it was so easy for her to let go. So yeah, she knew for a long period of time, which means she also knew, without saying a darn word to me, that she was being selfish, and to that somewhat cowardly for not ending things much sooner.

[TiredOfGames]

P.s. This orgy that you are all speaking of...... Is it alright if I don't invite my ex? Because, you know, she'll take and take and take, and she won't give anything back, and I'm really not a fan of one-sided orgies!

[TiredOfGames]

Its true that even those who love you will hurt you to some degree. But if people are going to hurt me willfully or blithely then they can go jump as far as I'm concerned.

 

I couldn't agree more.

[blackhawks1287]

You see though, knowing that we have the ability to get so caught up in someone, loving them unconditionally, and actually being so blind to see it, is something to be cherished. We know what we gave, and we can appreciate and comprehend the amount of love that we gave and we know that there is someone more beautiful, more understanding, more appreciative, more sincere and genuine, more selfless out there waiting for us to discover or to discover us. I don't believe in "the one" but there is "a one" that will love us unconditionally right back, and that is what I look forward to. Finding that person, even though it may be a journey of hardship, will be a life worth living and a life worth all of the hardship and work that we put into our past and into ourselves.

 

 

"maybe everything we perceive is just an interpretation of a neutral event. maybe we don't really love other people...we just love our own idea...our own idealization...our own hope in who we think that person is. if we really love that person...why do we fall out of love? really...i think that's an amazing question if one actually thinks about it. why do we fall out of love. i think it's a giant paradox to be honest. waaaaaaaaaaaaah!! don't imagine i'll get much support for that particular notion though."

 

I like knowing the fact that even though I was taken advantage of (I was treated seemingly well to my face), I never fell out of love. I loved that person for who they were and how I perceived the relationship. It is not about what it is to the rest of the world, it is about what we see it to be. This is like the movie "Shallow Hal" in a broad aspect. We see what the heart wants us to feel, and it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks or see's. In reality this is a childish way to think, because it could be detrimental to one's life if it is that bad, but bottom line it is the truth. Outside perspective and outside sabotage is what really messes some relationships up. If people didn't thrive on the opinions of others and just took a step back to see what they really had in front of them when they were theirs, then most relationships I think would work. That is my notion lol.

[ladyninja30]

That is true. I can only speculate what Bob Marley really meant by that quote. He could have meant it in the sense of people hurting you willfully or even just accidently like when you don't think before you speak and wind up regretting it. If he just meant relationships, then yes everyone has their ups and downs in relationships as well, you just gotta find the ones so worth it, you're willing to put in the effort to make it work.

[Kev0s1983]

I get the feeling I am a bit of a moose! You guys seem to be in a place where you regard your ex's coldly/with distaste... I guess I feel the distaste but I still cant help but care a lot feel like a bit of an arse cos of it as well. I was cheated on/lied to (not the lies such as "i will always love you" etc which i remember people classing as lies on a thread a while back. But REAL lies, such as who she was hanging out with, what *certain* people meant to her etc) but I cant seem to think badly of her or not for long...

 

This i bad. Right? How can I change my mindset? How do I focus on the negatives? ... Or is it really that simple? Just focus on the negs and ignore the good stuff?

 

lady - Tim Tams = WIN.

[ladyninja30]

Kev- I have very fond memories of my times with my ex. I think my emotions are rather mixed up on trying to get over him/moving on, keeping the hope alive that I will find someone I want to be with as much as I wanted to be with him, hating her and loving the fact that lesbians I know think she's a total dog...yadda yadda. It's the fact that I have such good memories of us together that it winds up making me bitter and angry at him. It can be hard when you can remember the good things and bad things and yet try and decide if one outweighs the other.

 

Yes tim tams are a win! We the deprived in San Diego don't have them.

[Kev0s1983]

I guess I will jus make myself feel better knowing that I have those memories and contributed to having some experiences she would not have had less she met me. Quite arrogant in some respects but its good to know that you did something good for someone else. Even if she ended up being a nasty piece of work to me. I kept and continue to keep my dignity in my reactions and continued silence.

 

That and these tasty white Tim Tams mmmmmm (making myself feel better)

[blackhawks1287]

Lady and Kev- Just look at it like this. Look at the end. Look who ended it and how it ended. Those good memories will be there forever especially when YOU or I in this case were responsible for those good memories, in my case I was the one who provided that part of the relationship. It is not a battle to have the bad outweigh the good, because it never balance out. They left and that is bad enough, especially after those good memories and what you gave and put into.

 

Look forward to the better memories with better people, and I have no idea what tim tams are so...i'll pass on that. (you beat me to a response kev

[Kev0s1983]

... Pass ? Pass on Tim Tams ??

 

My good man, you may want to reconsider that... Unless, ofcourse, you pass them to me hehe

 

its all good. I just guess I miss the good her a lot that seems to have vamooshed. Meh. Nothing lasts forever. And its good the relationship ended sooner rather than later when married or something. Could always be worse!

[90_hour_sleep]

why focus on the negatives at all? is that the mindset you want to adopt? seeing the 'bad' in other people so your own sense of self can thrive? because i think that's what it comes down to. what other purpose does it serve? maybe it serves to knock 'em off that soapbox so-to-speak. but beyond that...i dunno.

 

i like where you're coming from, kevs. think you're on track. keep your own integrity.

[TiredOfGames]

This i bad. Right? How can I change my mindset? How do I focus on the negatives? ... Or is it really that simple? Just focus on the negs and ignore the good stuff?

 

I guess I chose to just not focus on her whatsoever any more. I no longer mean anything to her, so she means nothing to me. What she did is in the past and what she does from now on has nothing to do with me. I still love her for sure, and I hope she's able to figure her life out for herself, but she's no longer my 'problem'.

 

So I'd say it's probably more constructive for your healing to not focus on anything related to her at all. Focus on yourself. Make plans and give yourself short-term and long-term goals. Imagine a future where you WILL meet someone who deserves what you have to give and will reciprocate in kind. I'm not saying it's easy, it requires a concerted mental effort, like a physical one would for exercise.

 

And keep on coming here to read read read threads and posts. This has helped me immensely too, and it's all because of the community here, including everyone posting on this thread. So thank-you.