My separation journal and NC/LC log

[CrazyMiner]

I visited a councillor earlier this week to just get a bit of help on how to cope with the break up of a long term relationship. She suggested that I write a journal and so I've decided to give it a try. The first entry is pretty long as I just decided to dump all my thoughts at the time onto paper, but please feel free to read and comment on it. I do appreciate comments on what I write and any advice is always appreciated!

 

 

07/05/2011 - 10am

 

I visited a Relate councillor on Thursday and she suggested that I write a journal, so lets give it a go!

 

I can't believe that it has been nearly 2 months since Faye told me she wanted to separate. It still feels so strange, the person I was expecting to spend my life with isn't around anymore. I just find it so hard to understand, she was my Faye and I was her Phil and that is how we had always been know. Perhaps that was part of the issue?

 

Although I'm getting out and socialising, it's still very early days and what does hurt a fair bit is seeing how much Faye is enjoying herself. Right from the start she was out partying, seeing Tom most weekends... I'm glad she is enjoying herself and has a supportive group of friends around her, but when she says how much of a good time she is having it tugs at my heart strings, because I'm no longer involved. I wonder sometimes how much she even thinks about me - 8 years is such a long time to just walk away.

 

Recently I've started having dreams about Faye. Always nice ones, past memories and sometimes what our future could have been. They can be pretty hard to wake up from, mainly because after a few seconds I realise that it was only a dream, and that my thoughts of the future aren't going to happen. The hardest dream happened on Wednesday night; we were at my aunt and uncle's place in Canada with the rest of the family. Initially, Faye was sat next to me holding my hand, but then she disappeared. The whole family searched for her but nobody could find her. I woke up with tears in my eyes that morning. The councillor said that it may be due to my sub-conscious mind trying to make sense of our separation. It was certainly a hard dream to have.

 

Faye received the NC/LC letter on Tuesday. Her reply was friendly enough and she said she understood my reasons for stopping the meets. I found it so hard to send that letter, in a way I knew it was for the best but it still bloody hurt. It felt like I was closing another door to my princess - I can't call her that anymore. She called last night and we discussed the house, but also asked why I didn't reply to her text in response to my letter. How do you answer that? I was worried I would say something needy and so destroy the whole point of the letter, but I told her I was just waiting for her to call like she said she would in the text.

 

She's coming round on Wednesday to collect some things (shoes, make-up etc). It's strange to think that, in a way, by doing that she is slowing picking our lives apart. She also said that her mum was back in a few weeks and that she would come down with her then to do the 'final collection'. That's going to be so difficult - the house finally being empty of any reminders of the life we shared.

 

She asked if my parents hated her because they hadn't been in contact but I had spoken to her mum a few times. What was she expecting, my mum and dad to call up after we had separated for a bit of a chin wag? Although they sometimes had a funny way of showing it, they loved Faye as a daughter. They now see her as someone who led me on a bit; their biggest issue is the fact that we brought a house together when Faye had apparently been thinking of breaking up with me for upwards of two years. I told her that mum just kind of saw it as her 'little boy' had been hurt and had thought about contacting her but didn't really know what to say. I didn't want to hurt her feelings. If we ever got back together, of course all would be forgotten, it's just a bit difficult right now.

 

I told her I was glad she was having a good time and she asked "why, are you not?". I said I was enjoying doing new things and it was like "being in my 1st year of University again". What I didn't say was that it would all be 100 times better if we could have done it together.

 

I suppose the only other thing playing on my mind right now is that when we initially separated, Faye mentioned quite a few times that after the dust had settled in 3/6/12 months time we could take a look at where we had landed and only then would we be able to "potentially discuss the possibility of a re-run" as she put it. Of course, nothing was guaranteed, and rightly so. But the majority of that was said right at the start of the separation and, if I remember rightly, only once in April. Was it just said to try and make things easier for me? Or was it serious? Of course, I have made some huge mistakes throughout the separation (not giving space when asked, being clingy/needy etc). I just hope, in my heart of hearts, that I haven't pushed her away so much that she has decided to not ever consider a potential reconcilliation in the future, ever. Only time will tell.

 

Wow, that was a pretty long first journal entry! I must admit, it did feel good to just dump everything down onto paper. Did I get upset? Once or twice, but that's positive and means I'm putting down my true thoughts. I'm off to the cinema in a while to watch Arthur with a movie group I've joined which should be epic and then we're off to Knott for a few drinks - it's going to be a good Saturday!

[andreea]

it s a good idea keeping a journal, it helps clearing your mind, and it also might help you to find some reasons in your actions, when you see it written you understand it better... at least for me it was a help, somebody wrote in this site that she made a list about good and bad things of the relationship she had and it turned out there were more bad things in that relationship than he thought, and that was also my result after making my own lists, so maybe you should also write about how/why things went wrong between the two of you, so you might understand the problems, her problems better this way, and you also might find answers for it easier, or just move on easier... I recently made an "inventory" of red flags of my relationship, so I realized there were lots of signs and I didn t pay much attention to, so I paid the price later... but do these things first of all to your own peace, don t have high hopes, don t even think about that she might or might not come back, just somehow try to accept the fact that it is over (for now or for good) and save yourself, focus on yourself, make another list with things you have to do, things that you always wanted to do, alone, without her...

[CrazyMiner]

07/05/2011 - 9pm

 

Just a quick update to end the date. The cinema was good and gave me the extra laugh I needed. Unfortunately I didn't get to go out for drinks as after the film I couldn't find the rest of the group and didn't know where everyone was heading. That was a bit crap but there we go!

 

Still playing on my mind is whether Faye would ever want to try dating again. The whole 3/6/12 months thing and then, potentially, trying a re-run as she put it... when is too soon? It's been 2 months now, how long do I wait? God I love this girl, but I don't want to try anything too early, but also I don't want to leave it too late! Imagine if I leave it, say, another 4 months making it 6 months since the separation and then Faye says that she has already fully moved on and isn't prepared to try dating again or, heaven forbid, she is dating someone else by then! Mum thinks I need to be careful not to leave it too long, but on the other hand I don't want to rush anything as I don't believe it would be helpful for either of us. Why isn't this easier - grrrr!

 

Anyway, time to watch some TV and do some washing so everything is ready for mum and dad bringing up the furniture.

[CrazyMiner]

08/05/2011 - 1pm

 

Last night was better than I expected. I did end up going out with some new friends in the end and not getting back until 5am which was great!

 

The one downside was that I had already taken my respiratory medication and so my tolerance to alcohol was pretty low. So I had around 4 drinks throughout the night - it's always an interesting experience when you're semi-sober and everyone else is off their faces! But a good night none the less.

 

When I got to bed it was already starting to get light outside and so the room wasn't that dark. I don't think I got into a deep sleep but still managed to have a strange but vivid dream. The best way to describe it is as one of those arty TV effects where the main character retains his usual speed but everything around him slows down. There were a lot of people around coming and going but I couldn't make them out. They all seemed to be wearing blue hospital scrubs, the same kind that Faye wears at work and like the pair that she got me as PJ's. The thing my dream concentrated on was a clock that seemed to be displaying dates rather than times. It was slowly ticking forward but as the dates moved on from early to late May and then into June and July the clock seemed to be moving further away and the ticking got quieter, until it just disappeared and at the same time the people who had been coming and going in the scrubs disappeared too.

 

The only way I can explain it is to do with the unknowing in regard to the "3/6/12 months and then we can potentially look at a re-run" statement that she made, mostly towards the start of the separation but also said last month when I broke down on the phone to her. It can only have been related to my worry about leaving things too late. How will I know that she has healed enough to even consider talking about a re-run? And when will I be ready to fully invest in that having made all my really positive changes? Does she even want to consider a re-run anymore? She seems to be having a really good time at the moment, and I've initiated NC/LC and stopped us meeting up. She agreed with the idea. Will she ever want to meet up now in the future, or will she use my own NC/LC letter to permanently keep space between us?

 

Well, those are my questions to ponder on for the day, time to go and make the beds!

[CrazyMiner]

09/05/2011 - 2pm

 

Mum and Dad came up yesterday to help with the furniture and left this morning. I'm so glad they did, god knows how I would have managed otherwise. At times, I'm breathless even climbing up a flight of stairs thanks to this bloody respiratory disease.

 

Faye was right about the chest of draws not fitting in the rooms. She always had a knack for that sort of thing; planning rooms out in her head and knowing what would and what wouldn't fit... she hasn't even seen the rooms for over a month!

 

Viewings over the weekend seemed a bit half arsed. There were 5 in total and I'd say that 3 of those just seemed to want a look round. I've got 1 of the 5 coming back on Thursday for a 2nd viewing. He's looking to just rent out 1 of the double en-suite rooms which suits me as long as I can find someone else for the other room.

 

Weird dream last night about being chased down by some people who wanted to do tests on me. I think it was from a Star Trek episode that I had seen last week whilst channel hopping. For the first time in a long while it didn't involve Faye. Positive step?

[CrazyMiner]

10/05/2011 - 11am

 

Today's proving to be a bit hard. 2 months today I lost my gorgeous, beautiful, intelligent Faye. Although I feel I am beginning to move on and heal, I still find it hard to take in that she has gone from time to time. It'll all become very clear very soon though - she's coming tomorrow to collect some shoes and make-up apparently (I'm out with some friends so won't be here) and then in a week or two is coming with her mum to collect everything else.

 

The house is going to feel so empty then. The large mirrored wardrobes half full and empty of her clothes, her jewellery gone, even her stuffed animals that are in the lounge cupboard and ame me smile when I catch them out of the corner of my eye. And when that's done and all of her belongings have left the house that we brought together only 8 months ago? Stranges are going to be moving in, 2 people I do not know but need to cover the mortgage and the bills. A complete lack of privacy in what was meant to be our dream house.

 

My hope and want for her to call or communicate with me in some way is reducing, but I still miss speaking to her. We used to speak twice a day when she was away with work, once when she had finished work and then again to say goodnight to each other. Especially when we first separated I found the loss of that really difficult, but now it is just one of the many things I miss. She very rarely now initiates contact, and this was the case a week or so before she received my NC/LC letter so I wonder whether she had already begun to implement some form of NC/LC anyway. But the letter gave me a bit of closure and left a door open to potentially trying being friends or a reconcilliation in the future. In a way I really hope that we can both stick to LC... It'll allow us to both heal properly and without interuption. A few weekends ago she called me to ask about how the benefits system worked. I explained it to her thinking it was for her brother who has now finished University but doesn't have a job right now, and she told me she was in the Midlands. It was only later that I let my mind rather than my heart have its say, and I realised that she had been asking for Tom. That was pretty heartless, phoning me up to ask for information for someone who I know discussed us breaking up and then gave her the strength to do it. I don't know why she is being so secretive about him, and I know it's not just to me. I know that she used to have a pretty big school girl crush on him and probably still does, and perhaps has found a really good support system in him/party companion. When I knew him years ago he was gay, and as far as I know still is (based on what Faye has said), I just don't understand the secrecy!

 

A song that popped into my head whilst I've been writing this is 'Fire and Rain' by James Taylor:

 

"I've seen fire and I've seen rain,

I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end,

I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend,

But I always thought that I'd see you again".

 

Off to prepare for a meeting with the boss, fingers crossed!

[CrazyMiner]

11/05/2011 - 11am

 

I think dreams can be your best friend and also your worst enemy. I see them as a way of my sub-conscious having a chance to process my thoughts and feelings in an unbiased way.

 

I woke up this morning at around 7am feeling pretty refreshed. I hadn't dreamt of anything that I could remember and was quite surprised that I hadn't dreamt of Faye as today is the day that she comes to pick up some things. She said it was just some shoes and things for her hair but I fully expect to come home and find more gone.

 

So feeling refreshed I made the terrible decision to go back to bed for an hour, and of course then proceeded to have a dream about her. Unfortunately it was the first nasty dream that I've had. Basically, I was at some sort of party where my mum was there as well. After a while, I went back into the house and saw Tom coming down the stairs. I reached out my hand for a handshake but he looked down at it, refused, and then walked off. I then saw Faye coming down followed by a few others who looked dressed to go out. I decided to walk into the kitchen and she came in too. I asked how her night was going and she replied with something along the lines of "fine, but that's none of your concern anymore". I asked her what I had done wrong now, and she said "look, I don't talk to people who lie on my reference forms" and walked off. That was the end of the dream.

 

A bit of a strange one! I have no idea what was meant by 'reference forms', perhaps it was my mind confusing some different things. It was a pretty hard dream to wake up from, the first hostile one I've had of her, and to be honest I wasn't that happy that Tom was in it - I know he gave her the encouragement to be 'led astray'. It's a shame, I liked Tom and his cool/quirky ways when I knew him years ago, and if the situation was different it would have been great to have caught up.

 

I know I had jealousy issues during the relationship, and this is one of the many areas I'm working on right now, but concentrating mostly on jealousy for the time being. Faye hated it, and it is only since we separated that I've been able to step back and analyse all my issues. If Faye and I did ever get back together, it's something that would simply rip us apart again if left unaddressed. I know most of the issue was due to my lack of a social life, and this is something that I'm working on each day, and I'm happy to say I'm seeing improvements as well.

 

Writing this, although the dream wasn't the best in the world, some lyrics popped into my head from a song called 'Open Roads' by Cerys Matthews:

 

"And as for then, and as for now,

As for who, and as for how,

There's just one thing, I can't forget,

How beautiful you are".

 

I've now got a 1 and a half hour each way drive down to the head office to do some hand holding for some new starters, oh joy of joys!

[CrazyMiner]

11/05/2011 - 11pm

 

So Faye came with Sash to pick up a few things. It was good to see her, but I told her that I wanted to stick to the NC/LC letter. So we hugged and I left. She had text me earlier in the day to ask when it was best to call by. I replied with 7pm - 10:30pm as I knew I would be out socialising, but she called to ask if she could come earlier as she had finished at the hairdressers and was nearby, so I said it would be fine. Anyway, I drove round for a bit but then realised the time as I was meant to be going out at 7pm (in around 15 minutes) and I hadn't got changed, so I had to go back about 10 minutes after I left.

 

They were still there and left about 10 minutes later. We hugged again and off she went. It wasn't as bad as I thought, I didn't feel overly upset, and it was just good to see her after not having done so for 4 weeks, albeit briefly and with limited conversation. She looked well which was good to see, and all I can remember thinking was that I was happy that she looked somewhat content - strange I know considering that it still hurts that we aren't still together. But hey, I've always been a soppy git!

[CrazyMiner]

12/05/2011 - 11:30pm

 

I've finally managed to rent out one of the double rooms for £395 per month. At least that will cover Faye's share of the mortgage and leave a bit for me to cover some of the bills. The guy doesn't want to move in until the middle of June so at least that gives me some time to get everything ready. To be honest, he wouldn't be my first choice, but needs must. Although that's probably me just being Mr Nice Guy again so that Faye doesn't have to fork out any money. I've done all the work and she was the one who moved out...

 

Anyway, enough of me being annoyed. I've just got back from an outdoor cinema that was showing 'The Social Network'. I've already seen it but the socialising group I'm part of wanted to go so that's fine. It seemed a good idea when we were in the pub beforehand but when it gets to 10pm and your sat in a deck chair in the cold in the middle of Manchester, the novelty starts to disappear pretty fast!

 

During the film my mind kept drifting off to Faye; thinking about what she was upto, hoping that she was enjoying her rotation at work now just a little bit more than she was... in the end I had to hold back the odd tear whilst surrounded by people in deck chairs - a very odd experience!

[CrazyMiner]

13/05/2011 - 5pm

 

I found out today through a 'mutual friend' that Faye is seeing someone. Apparently they have only been on one date but she plans on going on another. Hearing this was the news that I had been dreading - she had told me when we separated that she wanted to be 'young, free and single' and to try dating other people, so it was nothing more than I was expecting to happen. But of course, why shouldn't she be dating, we've been apart for over 2 months now!

 

When I initially heard I was upset for a while, but not for too long. I feel I've got to the point where I can think things through about the relationship both logically and emotionally. Of course, I was upset, but then my thoughts turned to her happiness. I know we grew apart somewhat and became damaged, so her going into a new relationship with all the novelty factor that comes with it can only be a healthy and positive move... aren't I a nice guy? Potentially a bit of a downfall - I feel towards the end of the relationship Faye was the one wearing the trousers and was able to steam roll her points of view over me. She always said she wanted her man to take control and lead the way and towards the end it was her doing this. However, for the last 4 months of us being together I had developed a chest disease and so wasn't able to be superman, so I offer no apology for that.

 

My thoughts are still all over the road, but from my heart I do wish her well. A song I heard earlier feels appropriate here, it's called 'Everyday Hurts' by sad Cafe:

 

"I never wanted anything in my life,

Not until I met you,

I thought you'd see me through,

All the bad days that I had before I met you,

Something in the past, never thought it couldn't last, forever,

There's one thing I can say, everyday, how I miss you".

 

I need to change my radio station...

[Danny77]

 

Im sorry mate.

 

That scares me so much too.

[CrazyMiner]

Im sorry mate.

 

That scares me so much too.

 

Thanks mate. I suppose I'm just glad in a way that she didn't find someone straight away. That would have been awful, and probably meant that she already had someone lined up before she broke up with me. At least from the way it has happened she broke up with me due to the relationship and not because she had her eye on someone else, not that it is exactly a bonus or anything!

[CrazyMiner]

14/05/2011 - 1pm

 

The dream fairy returned last night. Thankfully it was a nice dream where Faye and I ended up kissing. I can't remember too much else to be honest.

 

I say thankfully it was a nice dream, but I suppose not exactly the most helpful. Come on sub-conscious, I thought you were back on my side after the not so pleasant dream you produced last time. As nice as it is to think about Faye and enoy what I see rather than being upset, it's not exactly conducive to healing and moving on. The other thing that I need to start remembering is that I believe Faye had 'checked out' of the relationship long before she wanted to separate, and so it is very unlikely that she will be having or sharing the same sort of dreams. It's all very one sided and, especially with her having arrived at the point where she is starting to date, not likely to be reciprocated.

 

I still miss her so very much and do feel that I am moving on and working on myself, but I find it pretty upsetting that I'm not able to share these, or indeed, any feelings with her. She'll be off partying somewhere this weekend without a care in the world, whilst I sit here and miss her counsel, touch, and well, just her!

[Danny77]

But does soften the blow a bit.

When I look back at all my ex's I try sometimes to compare them and find the "best"

I always end up thinking that the one just passed was the best.

All the others blend in to the same catagory.

I have a fear that when my ex moves on and finally meets someone it doesnt matter that he won't be as amazing as I was.

I'll still be thought of as just another ex.

Not me.

 

Hopefully, by then I'll be thinking the same about her so her opinion will not matter so much.

oh it's a funny game.

 

My ex's mother died and she left our relationship for reasons I will never know.

I have not heard from her and we are in a state of NC.

I have heard that she is getting on well and going traveling to clear her mind.

I can do nothing but get on.

 

Stay with the NC buddy!

Everybody thinks that their ex was "the one" and they think that nobody understands how amazing that person was!

If this was really the case then EVERYBODY would be amazing right!

Truth is, she's just on the pedalstal at the moment and you'll be taking her off soon.

When you're ready.

[CrazyMiner]

15/05/2011 - 2pm

 

Watched the Eurovision Song Contest last night. I usually only tune in for the comedy factor of some of the acts but this year the majority were pretty good and so it felt like I was watching the semi-final stages of something like X-Factor or American Idol. I wouldn't go as far as to say the finals though...

 

I had a strange dream last night. I can only remember a small bit but it just seemed to involve Tom (though I may have forgotten other parts). All I can recall is seeing his face for what seemed like an extended period of time. I do find that a bit weird - perhaps it is a feeling of resentment due to the fact that he was involved, albeit not necessarily his fault, in Faye and I's final argument... the straw which broke the camels back. I do wonder how much coaxing he gave Faye to initiate the separation - she did say that he had recently come out of a long term relationship so I wonder if it was a case of "if I can do it so can you". I'd hate to find out that this was the case, someone she hadn't really spoken to for 6 years providing the encouragement to end an 8 year relationship. Perhaps that says more about Faye than him? But hey, I'm obviously spending too much time thinking about someone I don't know and shouldn't really care about. But in a way I do care, because he is the one who now speaks to her on the phone/skype multiple times a week and usually will meet up with her once a week. I think my jealousy issue still needs a bit more work!

 

I've been working on my involvement issues as well recently, namely keeping the house clean and tidy. Faye used to ask me time and time again to do simple things like hoover the house - I'd always say I'd do it tomorrow and it wouldn't end up being done for 3 - 4 days... always tomorrow. Even when I came out of hospital with my chest disease it wasn't exactly too much of a hardship for me to get off my arse and just help out a bit, especially when she was coming home from long shifts and cooking me dinner etc. What an idiot I was - of course over time this led to trust issues as basically Faye stopped believing things I was saying. Things just snowballed really, and when your partner no longer believes anything you say the relationship is only ever going to head one way! It's amazing how you can only really analyse things or notice how much of a problem they are causing when it is too late to change anything as the damage has already been caused beyond repair.

 

A song from Eurovision last night that I felt I could relate to was 'New Tomorrow' by A Friend in London:

 

"Wake up, slow down,

Do nothing right now,

Breathe in, breathe out,

Did we forget how to live, how to dream,

And what it all means?

It's like we don't care".

 

The problem is, I do still care, but, for the moment at least, it feels like a very solo affair.

[CrazyMiner]

15/05/2011 - 11pm

 

I've been trying to keep my entries down to one per day to reduce my gift of the gab, but after what I've just seen I wanted to pop it down onto paper to help me sleep.

 

As a bit of a catch-up, Faye phoned me about 2 weeks ago (around 7 weeks post separation) when she was travelling back from partying somewhere to say that she had spent £6.00 (around US$10) or so on one of my credit cards as she had run out of money at a service station. I said it wasn't a problem as we were still trying to go down the 'friends' route so soon after the break-up.

 

As a reminder, the reason Faye was holding my credit cards for me was due to her lending me around £7,000 (around US$11,000) only 3 - 4 weeks before she told me she wanted to separate to help clear my student overdrafts and credit card debts. I was constantly struggling with debt and was only just able, if I was lucky, to pay off the interest on them all each month. As part of the money lending I gave her my cards so that I wouldn't have the opportunity to spend on them again. She did offer to give them back around 10 days after we separated but I told her to keep them for now as it was so soon after the break-up and I was hoping that a fairly quick reconciliation would occur. She has associate cards attached to my accounts as we were using them to collect points etc and I fully trusted her, of course I did after 8 years. We used the cards for shopping and general joint purchases where we didn't quite have the money to hand in our current accounts.

 

Well, I checked my bank account today and saw that when she went to the hairdressers the other day (the same day she came to the house to collect some things with Sash), she had charged £220.00 (around US$350) to one of my credit cards for the hair extensions she had put in. She did then transfer the money from her own account the same evening straight to the credit card account so I wasn't at any point out of pocket.

 

But, £6.00 is one thing, £220.00 is another. And the worst thing? Unlike the £6.00 situation, she didn't even tell me she had done it even though she saw me literally 15 minutes later! I thought at first that it was simply cheeky, but then I thought about it more and mentioned to mum and she feels that Faye over-stepped the mark. Even though she paid it back straight away, it bugs me that she didn't check with me first or at least tell me afterwards. I mean, she has her own credit card now for god sake! And I don't even get to enjoy the hair extensions; she is dating someone else right now!

 

It's the first time since we broke up that I want to call and have a go at her. I need the cards back, she over-stepped the mark on this one.