depressed over anxiety over potential relationship

[candianeh2000]

hey,

 

in the past 2 months or so, I have developed really strong feelings for the girl who I would probably say is my best friend. She and I live in different parts of the country and only see each other during the school year, so this is why I haven't said anything about it.

 

I chat with her nearly every day, mostly over instant messages, but once in a while over phone. we basically are always chatting in the neighborhood of 2 hours per day at least, often much greater.

 

my friends tell me that i have nothing to worry about that it is so obvious she likes me back but I am not so sure about that. One thing I consider a major problem is she, my ex gf, and I are all part of the same group of friends at school. My ex and I only broke up about 4 months ago and while I certainly am much closer to my friend than my ex is, I dont know that my friend would be willing to most likely sacrifice her friendship with my ex.

 

everyone who ever saw us interact said they thought for sure she liked me. i have no idea how they came to this conclusion though I had had some suspicions myself. for example, when i first started going out with that girl, rather than be really happy for me like i expected, she was quite upset, and kept asking things like, 'what is it you like about her'

 

she and I get along so well, and I really am falling in love with her. I can't focus on anything at all. lately I have been making myself miserable and over analyzing every single detail. just wasting time worrying about stuff such as her posts in people guestbooks saying things. like if she denies having a crush on someone in a guestbook, it doesn't really mean anything i wouldn't think, but then i worry about stuff like that actually meaning something.

 

i can't do anything any more. i seriously feel like just killing myself at times over how anxious i am over whether we can ever have a relationship. despite my friends claims that she definitely likes me and even if she doesn't, its not that big a deal, I just can't stop worrying about it. The good thing is in a few weeks, I'll be able to see her in person and confront her about my feelings, a task which I can't really even contemplate the enormity of it.

 

i just feel absolutely awful right now. i know we would be great together. i mean we chat for hours almost every night. clearly she likes me a lot, she would have to to give up that much time chatting with me, even if it is only through IMs, but HOW does she like me i guess is the question.

 

im not even sure what advice i would like to read. just any support i suppose. I simply can't take this right now. I feel like just crying at the moment. Right now, I'm not surprisingly chatting with my friend over IMs, and I am trying my best not to be overly smothering, since i know what a big turnoff that can be....yet its really hard. i would like nothing more in the world than to just say "i love you" and hear it back.

 

thanks in advance for any support you give. right now i feel so lonely.

[Beec]

Whoa, you talk to her how much? It's way too much. Back off just a little on that, nothing drastic.

 

Is there anything sexual invovled in your talk, or is it just chit chat?

 

The important thing to read is not her words, but her body language. Body language does not lie, except for a very few people who really master the art of deception. You can't see her body language now, but try to remember what it was, and learn about how to read it.

 

Finally, just make a move. Don't talk about how you feel.

[candianeh2000]

I know....I realize that the amount of time I spend thinking about her and talking about her borders on obsession heh.

 

Unfortunately, it is very difficult to distract myself as all of my friends are currently on vacation or dealing with problems of their own. I realized pretty recently that aside from meaningless "chit chat" with coworkers during the day, my only human contact in the past few weeks has been with her. Aside from that the only person I talk to is someone whom I have watched a few sports games with on television.

 

Obviously it isn't healthy to focus all my attention on one person, be it a friend or someone who I hope for a relationship with, but it is hard to avoid it. I love talking with her so much!

 

Fortunately, the fact that I'll finally get to see her within the next few weeks and get a chance to tell her how I feel will put an end to this ignorance.........and will either start a really happy or really sad period lol.

[simply_r]

hey i totaly understand what u feel, lately i've been going through a similar situation. My problem however is that he doesnt want to risk our friendship

I guess what we need to do is stop thinking about that person as much and view them the way it is now.......as friends.....if it develops into something more than that will be great. I also talk to my friend for 2 or 3 hours over the phone everyday and i am so comfortable with him, i don't think i can find that with jus about any guy...

Tell me how it develops because i could really use some help too

[Beec]

candianeh2000,

 

Don't tell her, don't tell her, DON'T TELL HER.

 

Look, I want you to get her. But telling her is the way you take all your chips, put them on one number and spin the roulette wheel. Not a lot of money is going to be won betting on roulette, especially on one number.

 

Don't tell her how you feel, because that's not the way to get her. Learn a few skills and some strategies that will help you get her, and go do it.

 

I am sure you know plenty of guys who are called players. Players have the skills you need, and there is nothing wrong with the skills. They just use them for shallow reasons. Try to learn a few skills, like they have, and you will be more likely to succeed.

[candianeh2000]

so i am kind of confused.......beec, what is it you would suggest I do, can you give me an example of a "skill"

 

to begin with, im not sure the best way to tell her is just flat out saying it as it is......i think if i help to create a situation where emotions get the better of us and we just kiss, things have a better chance.....Then if things don't work, I can just blame the moment as opposed to anything else.........

 

Also given the situation, particularly since I think there is a pretty good chance she does like me that way (though perhaps she is not actively thinking about it as much as I do), that if a moment develops, there is much less chance she will give me the line "i dont want to risk our friendship" or "i couldn't do that to your ex, she is a friend of mine even if what we could have would be special"

 

anyway, what do u mean by skills......frankly, i dont really have many friends who are players, the people who i talk to about this stuff have had at most a couple of girlfriends in their lives.........

 

thanks

[Beec]

Biggest skill you need: knowing how to read her body language. Have you ever read anything about what it means when a woman makes eye contact with you? What her looking down versus up or right or left means when she breaks eye contact? How to use eye contact to make her feel more interest for you? How to look for different movements that would signal interest or no interest? You see signs of interest, but how do you confirm it? You have the right idea with the kiss, but I would really suggest the simple hand hold. Your hands bump a few times, make contact, break it, contact, break, contact break, see if she comes looking for contact, see if she lets it linger, if she does, let it linger for a few seconds then just try to put a finger in her palm, and work it into a hand hold. It is a low risk move, because you take baby steps to get there. (Hey ladies am I off or on here?)

 

How to flirt a little bit is another thing to know. How do you say things to her that have a double meaning? For instance, you and a woman are sitting somewhere to eat and your order comes out, when it is placed ont eh table, you say "looks pretty delicious to me" but you say it in somewhat sultry manner (for a guy is sultry the right word?) and you are not looking at the food but are her. You words can be taken to mean that the food is delicious, but with the manner and body langauge, you'll really be saying she is delicious. When she picks up the phone, you say "Hi Gorgeous" once in a while. Use her name a lot, we love to hear our names. (Need to do that myself more.)

 

Those are the two biggest skills that you need to land her, but you also need to know toher things once you do. Where do you go with her on a date. You are obviously a student, but you need to have a date once you get her. Where to? I go out with a woman above 25 and we go to dinner. Dinner is not always cheap. How to do it on the cheap? Get the food and have an evening picnic maybe. After the first date or so, it will be easier, but you should still come up with things to vary it.

 

The other big thing to know is how to keep her. This all requires knowledge about her and about what most women will react to well, not what they say they want in words, but what they show they want.

[candianeh2000]

yeah, those are some good tips......actually the hand holding idea i had thought of as well, since this is much less risky than kissing.......Before my ex and I went out, this was something that tipped me off. I think we had went ice skating or something and the whole time we were holding hands partly out of necessity on her part, but I figured (correctly) that there was something more.

 

I have heard a few things about the eye contact thing you were suggesting. For example, it was my belief that if they look down and then away, that often means they are interested? Other than that I dont really know about anything there heh.

 

I have been flirting in a manner similar to what you describe. Double meanings and such. I normally get a relatively positive response to them. Its funny that you mention saying her name, as for some reason, I really like doing that, though it never even really occurred to me as a method to win her over.

 

I think perhaps going ice skating with her might be a really low risk way of getting some sort of indication. Holding hands there has a real double meaning. If she wants to interpret it as me liking her, then there is that interpretation. Or there is the interpretation of us not wanting to fall down.

 

any comments, particularly about this eye contact stuff as i know little about it?

 

thanks again

[Beec]

Look, first things first, you are now hunting. When you are hunting what is the first thing you do? Sneak up on your prey. Over the last week or so before you see her, and the first days when you are back, pull back. You want her, you know you do, she probably wants you, so you need not be too indirect, but don't go chasing her. Withdraw just a little to make her want you. It may only take a day at school, but don't noticeably stalk her.

 

Then, used mixed messages. Messages that you want her, and maybe you don't. Use ones with double meanings and you can also from switch positive ones to indifferent ones. Make her wonder.

 

With eye contact, when you talk to her, focus on the triangle from her eyebrows to her nose when she speaks, and when she is done with each sentence let her finish and keep your eyes on hers for just a moment past her being done. And have a slight smile on your face so long as it is appropriate. This works well.

 

Step No. 3 would be to make yourself an object of desire. If you have mutual friends, try to make yourself the center of attention somewhere with them. Tell a great story or something to get attention of you.

 

Finally, the skating idea is great. As you are from the great White North, I will assume you can skate. You know how to have a whip skating on ice. If she won't take your hand without prompting, then get hers in a whip and break it with you and her still holding on and try to skate her into your grasp, like you were going to hold her against the boards, and act like you want tto make sure she did not fall or something, stick a little eye contact in there with a smile.

 

I find the easy move with the handhold is always when you are walking. It is easy to walk with someone and talk and just bump into them slightly and bruch hands. It is such a low risk manuver and you do the repeated bumps and judge how she reacts. You can probably make it work on skates too.

 

Finally, there are plenty of resources out there for how to keep her. If she is this good, learn.

[candianeh2000]

Thanks for all the great input, and yes, I do know how to skate lol. I guess one of the keys will not to be too overanxious. This whole summer I have worked REALLY hard NOT to do stuff like "fish for compliments" or do other things which make me seem rather needy. It would be wrong to just ruin it all by rushing things at this point.

 

Do any females have any suggestions/agree with Beecs advice?

 

Thanks for all your great help! If things work out, I have to give a lot of credit to you lol!