Jondwnr Posted May 6, 2011 Share Posted May 6, 2011 So the past 4 days she has been constantly wants to talk to me, hell we spent 7+ hours on the phone late at night in 2 days. And yesterday she was basically stalking me on facebook by commenting on every status and dragging them out into conversations. She hasn't been this clingy with me since we dated. While we were on the phone she is starting to open up to me with her feelings saying stuff like "i miss you" "you are my first and only person i want to talk to". She has not said this stuff to me since the break up. She talked to me on the phone while she is at her boyfriends house and says how he gives her no attention and how she is getting closer to the edge to actually leave him(she said this before) so i'm not taking any of this to heart until she puts it into action. I using nonchalance to attract her back and i think its working, but i'm putting no expectations into this at all and my feelings for her have definitely subsided. I'm gonna start to ignore her cause i don't know if she is just using me or she is actually getting close to me again? Link to comment
NANsense Posted May 6, 2011 Share Posted May 6, 2011 Are you seriously contemplating getting back together with this gal??? She is basically cheating on her current BF with you--and what they do with you = what they will do to you! IMO she found out the grass isn't greener and will come back.....and when she's back she'll be searching for greener pastures behind your back--just like she probably did to you with this guy--and just like she is doing to him now! Link to comment
happyfrank Posted May 6, 2011 Share Posted May 6, 2011 Imo she is just telling you what you want to hear. She could be getting off the phone after talking to you and having sex with her bf.. I would block her from facebook and go NC. Link to comment
Jondwnr Posted May 6, 2011 Author Share Posted May 6, 2011 You would count that as cheating? She would prolly justify it was "we are friends"...GIGS seems like whats going on here, i also see that she is wanting more from the relationship she is in and i don't want to give it to her so she can just get her fix and then act like all is good with her boyfriend afterwards. And yes i am contemplating getting back with her hence the forum i'm in haha. I don't know for sure she will come back for sure, but who cares right? lol I love your post NANsence i love honesty! Link to comment
Jondwnr Posted May 6, 2011 Author Share Posted May 6, 2011 Frank that is a possibility, but not true cause she asks me to stay on the phone till she falls asleep and both times while we are on the phone she is asleep. Link to comment
WildChild Posted May 6, 2011 Share Posted May 6, 2011 Situations like this are tricky. I think your best option is to tell that once she has ended it that you would be willing to continue talking but for now it's best to not talk. This could go on forever with her backing and forthing, and unless and until she is completely through with this guy she will continue to talk to you if you let it continue. The thing to keep in mind is this, is that it's always assumed that once the ex breaks up with whomever they dated during the BU, that it's over between them (the 'new' person). But unless and until all loose ends are tied shut, there is nothing saying that they are through, or that the 'new' ex will stay out of YOUR exes life, especially if the 'new' ex is being left for another person, or the 'old' ex. I know she is YOUR ex, but he will be too if she goes through with ending it; and as long as she is on the fence with indecisions, and as long as you keep talking to her, even IF it's enough to sway her to your side, she has to close that chapter of her life, before she can start a new chapter with you again. Anything short of that, and she's going to play both sides of the fence for as long as she can, because if HE doesn't want to lose her he may not just walk away, and there you have a whooooolllle new can of worms that has been opened. So with that, I do always believe that a substantial amount of time must be made between the relationships of 'returning to an ex' when someone has dated during a BU so that people who want to reconcile know that they are free and clear of any ghosts of the past. So once all ghosts are gone for good, that's where you start building back a friendship, and taking baby steps towards a committed, monogamous relationship. Link to comment
Jondwnr Posted May 6, 2011 Author Share Posted May 6, 2011 Good thoughts Wild and its true that the ex doesn't stay out of their lives, and i know she will still want him in her life because they were good friends before they dated so again it makes it even trickier lol Link to comment
paradiselost Posted May 6, 2011 Share Posted May 6, 2011 how long were you together for? how long has the bu been? how long has she been with her new boyfriend before getting in touch with you? thanks Link to comment
Jondwnr Posted May 6, 2011 Author Share Posted May 6, 2011 1 year 3 months shes been with him almost 3 months and we have been in almost full contact for the past 2 1/2 weeks. Link to comment
May2011 Posted May 6, 2011 Share Posted May 6, 2011 I think you are giving her the attention she is not getting from him. Let her deal with it on her own, she'll figure out what to do. When they fizzle out, that's when you can talk to her. Link to comment
Jondwnr Posted May 6, 2011 Author Share Posted May 6, 2011 Yeah i know i'm giving her the attention that he WON'T give to her...i know i have to leave her be, i'm just wondering how long it will take for her to figure things out? It does seem like its getting worse cause no communication isn't good for a relationship along with him being an ass to her all the time. I'm just glad i'm not involved with their problems, i refuse to do that again lol Link to comment
Slimpee Posted May 6, 2011 Share Posted May 6, 2011 If it were me I would most definitely feel like the second option. I would tell her not to talk to you until you break up with her bf because it's incredibly rude to both the bf and you. She shouldn't talk to you until she knows what she wants. Link to comment
Jondwnr Posted May 6, 2011 Author Share Posted May 6, 2011 Funny thing is she told me 2 weeks ago she doesn't want me and loves him...she's prolly just really confused, and i don't want to be a second option that's why i'm not letting myself be that! Link to comment
May2011 Posted May 6, 2011 Share Posted May 6, 2011 Yeah i know i'm giving her the attention that he WON'T give to her...i know i have to leave her be, i'm just wondering how long it will take for her to figure things out? It does seem like its getting worse cause no communication isn't good for a relationship along with him being an ass to her all the time. I'm just glad i'm not involved with their problems, i refuse to do that again lol The fact that she complains about him, is good in your favor. It indicates that she has gone past the honeymoon phase. With that said, if you stop giving her this emotional support, it will be a matter of weeks till their relationship " feels the heat" Think about this scenario. If she goes to him about the lack of attention from him, chances are there will be a back and forth that will create a fight, then BOOM! they'll start falling apart. But if you let her complain to you all the time, you will help her get over the both of you and move on to a third party, whenever she is ready to "date". Best thing you can do is to let them duke it out. I'm not saying she will come back to you after, but doing this may increase your chances. Gently let her know you can't speak to her while she is in a relationhip, as it is direspectfull to her bf. Wish her luck and happiness. Link to comment
Jondwnr Posted May 6, 2011 Author Share Posted May 6, 2011 May Those are really good points, also he is a runner as well so it makes things even more outrageous. I didn't even think about the honeymoon stage being over. Do you really think i need to tell her? i was just thinking about ignoring her, but then again he is ignoring her and might put me in the same position he is in? hmm... Link to comment
May2011 Posted May 6, 2011 Share Posted May 6, 2011 May Those are really good points, also he is a runner as well so it makes things even more outrageous. I didn't even think about the honeymoon stage being over. Do you really think i need to tell her? i was just thinking about ignoring her, but then again he is ignoring her and might put me in the same position he is in? hmm... Don't just ignore! You don't want her to assume. She needs to know excalty what's going on. Something along the lines of " hey listen I thought about this, and I'd rather not be involved in this mix between you and him. When you're single feel free to contact me, depending on my availaibility maybe we can try a friendship or talk about what happened with us" Word it in a sense more proper to you, but make sure when she reads it she understands : - you don't need to hear about him anymore - you dont't want to hear from her till she is single - you are not waiting for her to make up her mind - that you mean business Be respectfull! don't don't don't talk to her till they fizzle out! stick to your guns Link to comment
Jondwnr Posted May 6, 2011 Author Share Posted May 6, 2011 The thing is if I meantion something like that she will assume that I only want to talk to her to get her back then it might ruin our good rapport we have. Idk, I wonder if I can word it differently or something? Link to comment
prettynthecity Posted May 6, 2011 Share Posted May 6, 2011 Funny thing is she told me 2 weeks ago she doesn't want me and loves him...she's prolly just really confused, and i don't want to be a second option that's why i'm not letting myself be that! She's not confused. She wants both of your attention and has the 'grass is greener' syndrome. This is SO clear to me. You need to stop talking to her right away. It's one thing for her to be alone and call you because she misses you, but the fact that she's been shacking up with this other guy since almost immediately after you broke up reads STAGE 5 CLINGER to me. She needs the attention of a man and is acting very selfishly. Don't get back with her for at least a long time or until you really think long and hard about your feelings for her. In the mean time block her from facebook and stop answering her calls unless she breaks up with the other guy/figures out what she REALLY wants. Link to comment
May2011 Posted May 6, 2011 Share Posted May 6, 2011 The thing is if I meantion something like that she will assume that I only want to talk to her to get her back then it might ruin our good rapport we have. Idk, I wonder if I can word it differently or something? Yes definitely! you should word it a way that applies to the both of you directly. Let me ask you, do you want to be friends or get back with her? If there are any chances of her wanting to come back to you, telling her something like this will not ruin anything. As far as rapport goes, it isnt a good one. You're the other "man" now. you use to be "The MAN". now he is that man. So this rapport for her is not what it is for you. But if it makes you feel better to just ignore, go ahead and ignore. NC the hell out of her. everytime you feel low and want to break nc call a friend or post here. I'm pretty sure many will support you, I know I will. Link to comment
Jondwnr Posted May 6, 2011 Author Share Posted May 6, 2011 I think i will just straight out tell her cause it can't hurt my situation just hers, and you guys are awesome...btw i haven't been low in weeks, i highly suggest reading "Nonchalance is your friend" it does wonders for you and gives you a high like no other, confidence is great Link to comment
May2011 Posted May 6, 2011 Share Posted May 6, 2011 I think i will just straight out tell her cause it can't hurt my situation just hers, and you guys are awesome...btw i haven't been low in weeks, i highly suggest reading "Nonchalance is your friend" it does wonders for you and gives you a high like no other, confidence is great Yes! great to hear you pick up the good spirit. Keep strong. Link to comment
Jondwnr Posted May 6, 2011 Author Share Posted May 6, 2011 Hey may where in NY are you located? just wondering lol Link to comment
May2011 Posted May 6, 2011 Share Posted May 6, 2011 Hey may where in NY are you located? just wondering lol I'm on Long Island. I was wondering about Troy! lol is that Upstate or Long Island Link to comment
Jondwnr Posted May 6, 2011 Author Share Posted May 6, 2011 lol its near Albany, like 10 minutes away, ive never been to Long Island... Link to comment
May2011 Posted May 6, 2011 Share Posted May 6, 2011 lol its near Albany, like 10 minutes away, ive never been to Long Island... Wow we're at least 6 hours apart!? right? Link to comment
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