*Update* 3.5+ years together and she moves on in 1 week

[american dream]

My god I feel awful. I feel like someone has killed my puppy. I was with a girl for 3.5 years, lived together for over 2 years and now it is all over. I am mad and sad and angry and confused, and just generally sick. We have had ups and downs, but this came way out of the blue. I don't even know where to begin.

 

Well I guess, to start a little background. We met in college, dated for a month or two before going steady. She and I got along in almost every aspect possible. We moved in together after dating for about a year or so, when she was broke, so she moved into my place and I helped her out financially. When she was on her feet again she moved out and got a place with one of her friends. No big deal. Eventually I graduated from college, and got my own place (no roommates), and she came over and would stay with me like every night. She said she didnt like her roomie, and didnt like all the things she did and how messy she was so she just stayed at my apt. For a year. We moved a lot of her stuff in to my place. We got a dog. When the lease for my apt was up, she was graduating college, and her dad gave her a downpayment for a house. She had nothing else before this house (remember, financial problems). We had been through so much together (for example, she has 2 dui's and I spent one summer picking her up from jail at 4:30 AM every morning for a month) this was like a dream come true. The house, nice cars, a dog, "our family" if you will.

 

When she bought the house, the deal was, I would furnish it, bring the dog, and I would pay the household bills, and she would get the mortgage. Everything was going more or less okay for a few months in the new place, but she is a depressive person, and has a few serious problems (drinking). She eventually would be crying all the time and drinking, I told her it needed to stop as it was affecting both our lives, and especially our sex life. I requested (not demanded) that she go see someone about therapy and medication for her depression. She went to a general practitioner, not a therapist, and she was put on Zoloft, and ASKING HER TO DO THAT WAS THE WORST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE. We had a good life together more or less, going out once a week to see friends, but otherwise staying in because money was pretty tight a lot of the time with the new house. After about a month of the Zoloft she began to change. She wanted to go out all the time, but had no money to do so, so she began to drink a lot at home. She didnt like a lot of her old friends from High School and college and had made new friends at her work. I was cool with this, and she said she liked hanging out with them. I felt okay about it, but the weird thing is that she never wanted me to meet any of her new coworkers (got the job out of college, was interning there for a year, so it is not like the chance to meet them never came up).

 

She became less interested in sex (as I have found Zoloft will make people) than before, and for me this drove me crazy and led to more fights and hurt feelings. Zoloft is for "social anxiety disorder" so her wanting to hang out with people more often was somewhat expected.

 

Then I find out there is a guy at her work who is calling her (not often), emailing her (very often), and text messaging her (one every other day or so). I confront her on this and she says he is just a friend and that I am acting all jealous. But something in my heart tells me differently. We played Yahoo!Fantasy baseball together and she also had Yahoo mail. One day when I went to check and see how our team was doing she had her mail page up (we used the same comuter). I could see like ten emails from this guy. Long story short, he was trying to get with her, very slow and sly like, by advancing, then backing off, then advancing again. This guy would tell her how hot she was, how she shouldnt settle for me, how he thinks she is just the most amazing person. Then he would back off a bit, then be right back into the same mode the next day. I confronted her, told her I knew what was going on, wanted it to stop, she said he was just a friend and had no intentions, then I told her she left her mail screen up. She just froze. Caught her in her lie. She said she didnt want to be controlled and she still loved me and she would agree to not talk with this guy anymore.

 

She lied. Started talking to him again a week or so after. I pay the cell bills so I could see it. Confronted her again told her it had to stop. I was like, "Do you want me to move out? What is going on with you???" She said no. Then on Saturday July 2 she wants me to babysit with her for her kid brother and sister, so I skip a BBQ to do this. They were supposed to be staying for the night, but then thier mom came to pick them up. So they were gone at like 8pm. She said she decided she wanted to go to dinner with her ex-roomie and her roomies mom (old friends) and I was kind of upset b/c my night was now shot. She said she would be back by 10 or so at the latest. At 10:30 I get a call saying she is going out drinking with them at a club. I am pissed so I just hang up. Totally left me out to dry. Then she doesnt come home. And I mean ALL NIGHT. Remember, this girl has 2 dui's and a history of bad decisions, so I get REALLY worried. I cried all night from 2:30am on. I did not sleep one wink. Incedenilly I know she wasnt with that guy because he was in San Diego that weekend. But after dating for 3.5+ years and 2 years of living together, she just doesnt come home??? WTF? Needless to say, I am wigging out, so at 8AM I get in my truck and go to her old roomies house. She answers the door all hung over. I asked her what was going on and she just kept apologizing. I was bawling. I told her that if she wasnt here, my next stop was the hospitals, and then the jails (btw, the state I live in, a third DUI is a FELONY!). She just keeps apologizing.

 

We get home and I am crying. She says lets have a good day, try to forget about it and she is really sorry. My buddy is having a pool party for the 4th of July, so we go over there. Everything was cool, she was hugging on me, smililng at me, talking to my friends ect. She got all plastered like usual, so she just passed out when we got home at like 11pm.

 

The next day I have to work, but she has the day off for the 4th of July observance. I leave at 9am, kiss her goodby, tell her I love her, she says the same back. I get to work and it is just dead. No one is calling us. I get a leave early and I call her to tell her we can get some lunch. She asks when I will be home. I tell her at like 2pm or so.

 

When I get home she isnt there and the dog has torn the house apart. I go upstairs and find a "Dear John" letter. Oh my god. I was, am, and will be devistated. I was screaming mad, and I called her over and over, but she wouldnt answer the phone. It wasnt even a decent letter. It was one page. 3.5 years reduced down to one page. She said she loved me but wasnt in love with me, that I was the most amazing guy, and I had done so much for her, but I made her "too comfortable". TOO COMFORTABLE???? What is that? Isn't that a good mans job? Is that not what I am supposed to do.

 

I had a nervous breakdown and went to get my gun to end it all, but I didnt have any bullets. I was driving to WalMart to get some when my best friend called and talked me down. I went to his house, and that is where I have been since. He was my own personal Jesus Christ that day . It was the only thing that made me think god might still be there. I have been back to her place once to get my stuff out, and it is in storage now. I have my bed, my dog, and my computer. I went from everything to nothing in a month. She must have really hated me to give up everything we had.

 

We made a pact, the ex and I, a long time ago and we reaffirmed it a few times that if we ever did break up we would not see anyone right away. She is seeing this guy already (started from what I can tell about 1 week after we split), and she lied to me when I asked her about it. It is like she has become a habitual liar. I am so angry and confused. At her and him. Some people say it is not the guys fault, but he knew she had a boyfriend. I want to beat him up so bad (I am a big guy, he is not). So anyway, I know they are seeing each other like every night, having dinner, she mentioned she "left some clothes at his house on purpose so she would have an excuse to come back" so the are having sex too. She has completely disrespected me, our relationship, our time spent, and my feelings entirely to be with this bastard who tells her all these things like a snake, and prys away girls who have boyfriends. I know he will not be as good to her as I was, but that doesnt help.

 

I just dont know how she could do this. Please, anyone who reads this please reply and help me out. I am so sad and angry and I feel like I am going to die. I feel like I am rotting from the inside out. It hurts right down to the bone.

 

American Dream is dead.

[Wagga]

Hey...

 

Sorry to hear about what you are going through. I really don't think this girl deserves you. I don't think she realizes what she is missing out on. What you need to do now is initiate no contact. Don't go after her. She needs to solve her issues by herself. What you are experiencing at the moment is attachment which is unhealthy. You have to let her go. From personal experience this is very hard to do specially when the other has been with you for 3.5 years, but it has to be done. She has major issues that you tried to help her with but remember no one can help you but only yourself. So let her be. If she is lucky enough to understand what she is missing out on she will be come back. But she has to solve her issues first. Good luck!!

 

Wagga

[CarterJonas]

Wow what a story.

 

I feel for you man. Firstly do not shoot yourself over a woman. No one is worth shooting yourself over.

 

From what I have read you sound like a caring person, especially when she was feeling down, you made her go and seek professional help which was the right thing to do.

 

Now she has behaved irresponsibly after starting treatment, especially if she is mixing the zoloft with alcohol. She also has not treated you properly, maybe because of her current state of mind?

 

I know it is difficult to throw 3.5 years away, but you now have to look to the future (the only thing that you can control), so concerntrate on yourself at the moment, getting back on your two feet and having fun with that (really) good friend that you have.

 

best of luck

[ravens_folly]

thats quite the story,

 

but there is probably something more wrong with her mind because of the drug and the alcohol, more than anything to do with you I think. Plus that other guy doesn't help. She needs help, but if she doesn't want it, there's really not much you can do unless she is seriously in a life threatening situation.

 

I hope you do thank god for your friend that day, God does exist and things happen for a reason. You just have to figure out what it is.

 

Keep strong, and think positive thoughts. You will be alright. Do what you can to get yourself through this. Its a tough situation. You seem like a very nice guy, and I bet there are a lot of people wishing they had someone who cared that much for them. And I hope you find someone deserving of what you have to give!

[MrKawabata]

Sometimes it takes a while to get to know a person. If she is behaving this way when you have been so good to her and trying to help her out then there is not much more you can do. She is not helping or supporting you - a relationship works both ways. Worst of all, she has been deceiving and lying to you. If she cared about you she wouldn't be doing this this, especially if you were her boyfriend. Remember that you have to think about your own health also. Psychologically she is not healthy - so don't let her problems spread into your own problems. Don't let her destroy you. Try to live a happy life and get involved in activities that will make you happy. Your ex-girlfriend is nothing but a tragedy, but that is her choice.

[JonnyG]

Sorry to hear that mate. I feel like u, just on a much smaller scale. U are the better person, just like I probably was with my ex, but girls dont always want that for some reason. Glad u didnt do anything stupid. I don't really know what to say but lifes a ......

[american dream]

Hi guys, thanks for the replies. It helps to know there are people out there who care. This is so hard, and it has been just over a month, but it seems like it happened yesterday. It is like Groundhog Day (but just the part where he is dying over and over again).

[chai714]

I feel you man . . .groundhogs day WILL end soon though, I guarantee it. I can honestly say, I've been there . . . . it's like school: it really sucks while you're there but after it's over, fun times are to be had.

[aireyc]

Holy crap dude that sucks so bad. Yeah I haven't had anything like that happen to me, but I do know the feeling when people treat you like that. If you gave it your best (which it sounds like you did), there really isn't much else you can do. Just try to forget her (for now at least) and move on with your life. You can't let a bump like that keep you from doing stuff with your life. Luckily, you aren't in your late twenties or early thirties so you still have plenty of time.

 

Chris

[maninaredstealth]

wow man i feel for you. its strange cause i also went through something kind of similar like you. i was with my ex for 3 years. she suffered from depression. at first she hardly took her pills but later when she started to take them more things went alittle down hill. of course every relationship is different and in my case we fought way toooo much. besides that she never knew what she wanted. it hurts doesnt it. i thought she was the one. this dude at her work into our last year together started calling her. she says he was a friend. i believed her cause she and i are both social people. well they hardly and rarely talked. only at work. never on phone or text till the last month before we split he started callin. i called it on her and she said they were friends. believe me i saw this dude and he was nooooo threat at all so i didnt care. well we got into a big fight cause i had alittle of a jealousy problem and she wanted to take a week apart to sort things. fact of the matter is this guy planned this just like in your situation. 1 week after we split he made a pass at her and she fell for it. we talked afew times and she told some of her and my friends that she didnt know what she was doing and basically he was there at the right time. she wanted me around but knew that she couldnt and this dude just filled the space. lucky she didnt mess around with him cause she is smarter than that and didnt like him like that she said. anyway no offense to people with depression but they are hard to deal with. i was great to this girl. she no longer talks to this guy cause she still is not over me, even after 4 and a half months. i was sooo devastated at first i almost had a nervous break down. the reason she ended it was cause of the fighting and jelousy. i just gave her her space. you gotta keep with the cold turkey. just remember the hurt they caused you and have that be your fuel to move on. shure you can always love them but you are young, there are alot of fish out there. i didnt know what to do. you lose all your confidence after being with one person for so long. i tell ya. hook up with someone. some fresh blood. it helps. meet new friends. hang with more people that didnt know about you and her. that way its a clean start. i rarlely think of my ex now and when i do it doesnt hurt. just remember the good times. i am acutally thankfull for the break up cause i have accomplished alot more now. a new house, lots of new friends, new girls, more spending money to my self. there is more light out there. just think there is always someone else out there that has it worse than you. it was a hard obsticle to go over but i did and i know you can too. stick to your close friends. meet new people. meet new girls but only when your ready. stuff happens and it sucks. you question wy me but hey obviously it wasnt meant to be so there is still someone out there that is meant to be. feel free to get ahold of me if you wanna talk more.

[Rangoo]

My friend, what a horrible mess you have found yourself in. Good thing you had a friend who was able to help you get through that day.

 

It sounds like she has multible issues, depression, drunk, and low self esteem. She needs help from a professional, which only she can decide to do.

 

Please don't blame Zoloft for the change in your girfriend. Zoloft can in some cases lower your sexual drive, but in my case it didn't, it make me feel better in general which in turn made me a horny devil all the time...too bad the wife isn't interested, she doesn't know what's she's missing....LOL

 

Also Zoloft loses much of its strength if the person drinks, I know when I drink the effect hurts the good from the drug. The drug does no good if the person drinks.

 

Best of luck my friend!

[american dream]

Well, I have made it one week with no contact. I am still very confused and hurt, but it is SLOWLY getting better (then worse, then back to better... lol). No contact is hard, but if anyone in the same situation is reading this, IT IS THE BEST WAY. I tried to stay friends, I was holding hope, but that is not happening any more. Sometimes I miss her terribly, but then I think of what she did to me. Sometimes I want to pick up the phone and call her but then I think of her and him together and I get physically ill. I have to keep thinking, she is a bad broken person, and I am a good person and I will get through this.

 

I thank everyone who has responded, and especially those who took time to send me PM's. It is so appriciated I can't hardly express it. I would still like a few new responses or PM's just because they are one other thing I can use to fill my time.

 

Thanks again

American Dream

[sandbox2832]

hi americandream,

 

NC is the best way. It's been about a month since my breakup. I've broken the No Contact rule numerous times. I did make it to a 7D-NC once.

 

I contacted my Ex on the 10th, so i started over again. Today I was on 5D-NC then realized I was off. On the 13th I asked a work lady about my Ex and if he was biking and happy, as she bikes frequently on the same rides the Ex goes on. Then I read a response that asking about the Ex was not a great ideal.

 

I realized today that my asking about my Ex is like an indirect phone call to a third party, so in essense, i broke the NC rule again. So i'm starting from the 13th--so today will make it 2D-NC.

 

It's best to not even ask about the Ex--just let them go. It's easy to say yet hard to do.

Be strong if you can. The people here do care.

[MrKawabata]

After an irrepairable breakup we all have to move on. But why is it so hard to forget about what has happened in the past and the loss of a partner?

[Carthiana]

Zoloft is definitely not the cause (tho it could contribute, many react differently to it), but could have compounded things.

 

You are better off w/o this, without her, and I hate to say that, but given the facts you have laid down, it is overwhemlingly true.

 

Having someone like that in your life is not going to help you live a successful life. We all have ups and downs, neither lasting the entireity of our life tho!

 

You will find yourself eventually realizing that she is not in a place right now where she can appreciate what she had, or what you were willing to offer and do.

 

We can hope people make choices, but we can't make them make the right ones.

 

You are making the right choice to move on, and start NC if that is what you choose.

[AndrewOZ]

Dude,

I can relate to your story nearly EXACTLY!!

I was with my ex for 3.5 years. She moved in with me because her parents were giving her heaps and she wasnt very financially stable. We lived together for 6 months.

 

I bought her a car, paid all her bills, and get her into university (I have good contacts there)!!!!!!!!!

 

Needless to say, some wanker who she was working with, was in her ear all the time.

She left me for some stupid reason, and a week later i see her out kissing this guy at a club. So obviously she left me for him, and made up some bullcrap reason.

I was that close to smashing a bottle over his head.

 

Then after that I felt suicidal and was VERY close to trying it a few times too.

 

That was around 3 months ago now.

What I came to realise (and you will too) is that I (and you) deserve ALOT better, and someone who treats you back the way you treat them. You sound like a very caring guy, and for that, you deserve someone who really appreciates what you do.

 

Last month, I was asked out by a girl who I'd always thought was hot, and Ive been with her ever since. She is fantastic, and in that 1 month, I have had such an unreal time that my break-up was probably the best thing that happened to me.

 

It is such a cliche thing, but you will find someone out there for you.

Guys like you dont go lonely for too long.

 

Yes, the pain will last for a long time. I still think about my ex now and feel sick in the guts. But over time it generally gets less and less, and one day it will be her who feels sick, for letting you go.

 

cheers,

Andrew

[Cheeky_DeeDee]

Just read through your post & felt incredibly sadddened because you have obviously gone through a lot recently!

 

As others have already mentioned, your ex is unstable & she has a lot of issues which only she can resolve, and thats only if she puts her mind to it as no-one will be able to force her to do anything she's not willing to do..

 

You sound like a lovely bloke & you should really go with 'No Contact' as I certainly believe its the way forward after a painful breakup!

You deserve to be happy so go out there and make new friends, plan a holiday with your friends to a place where you've always wanted to go, etc! Dont sit at home thinking about her every night; you need to keep yourself busy and you will discover soon that things will start to look up again & more importantly you will have your life back..

 

Take care xx

[ReadyorNot]

Im not going to say anything except be THANKFUL you are out of the relationship (and that you got to keep your dog)

 

My mom has been an "alcholic" for the past 8 years and it is pure hell.... I would never wish someone to live with an alcoholic ever..... would you really want your children to have to see their mother drunk all the time? Its also so embarrassing when you have friends come over or call and your mother is drunk...

 

You dont need to be with an alcoholic. Be happy.

[american dream]

Hi all,

Well it has been 2 and a half months since we broke up. About a month or a month and a half since I last spoke to my ex. I have been holding steady with NC and it has been okay.

 

I have been trying hard to focus on myself, and getting my life back together. I have moved in with my other best friend in a more permanent situation. I have gone on a trip to San Fran to see some friends. I have been working hard at the gym and at my work. I am trying to recenter myself.

 

My biggest hangup has been that I feel like I actually HATE my ex for what she did to me. I have never hated anyone before, and it is eating away at me. I can't seem to let it go. I am so mad at her for what she did, and I would never want to be back with her, so I just don't know why I am so angry. I think about her all the time, and how I would tell her off, and beat up that guy if I saw him. It is like I obsess on little sollioques about how I hate her, and the stunned look it would give her to hear this. I really do hope she rots in hell (or whatever may come after this).

 

The biggest problem for me is that I was raised Christian, but through my own searching I have found Taoism to be the way (pardon the pun) for me. Neither of these outlooks on like say I should harbor such anger at her, but I simply can not shake it. Any ideas? Anyone? I have tried journaling, meeting other people, talking about it with my friends (they say I should hate her), and working out to get the aggression out. I want to be at peace with it.

[chadntx]

I can understand your hate , my wife filed last week for divorce out of the blue and that was that after 5 years of marriage and all. Now she seems just so happy go lucky and like her life is so much better. She said stress had to do with it. Funny though cause I sat by her bed for over year while she had cancer and never thought of leaving. But I also deal with the hate issue, one minute I hate her, the next I'm in love with her. Eithier way I still feel sick all the same.

[guy40az]

Well when you breakup with someone it is like something in you dies and there are 5 steps of grieving. You don't have to go through the stages in sequence and you can skip a stage or go through two or three simultaneously. You can also go through them in different time phases, intensity and duration. i have found the Anger one last a while in a breakup.

 

 

DENIAL

ANGER

BARGAINING

DEPRESSION

ACCEPTANCE