Frenchfrog’s healing journal – or so she hopes

[deeplongbreath]

It’s been a month and something now you disappeared from the surface of earth again, and I still think of you every day, several times a day. Sometimes in a bad way, going “I deserve so much better than this d*mn freak”, but most of the time in a way that makes me feel immensely grateful that I have met you. Yes, I’ve been very lucky you once crossed my path, because I now know what real love is (you should, too, but that’s not the main subject today). You and I have had to wait to be nearly 40 to experience intimacy, chemistry, complicity and passion all at once with the same person, but it was well worth the wait, like we used to say.

 

I trashed your toothbrush weeks ago, don’t sleep with your t-shirt any more, took down all the pictures of you, put away the scarf you had left, deleted our conversation thread from my phone, but I still can feel you around. This is weird. Each and every time something happens to me you are the one I want to share with. When I get a bonus at work, when I’m sick, when the trains are late, when Alex says something hilarious, anything… instantly I think of telling you. And I can’t. It’s just as if you were dead and the only thing I can do is spread words over your grave without expecting any kind of response, except that I’m aware you’re well alive, somewhere out of my reach. Painful really.

 

What Sharon said when I told her how you dropped me this time, not texting me, not emailing me, not calling me, not talking to me whatsoever, only changing your Facebook relationship status and blocking me right away : “Not even to your face?? Utter b*st*rd!”.

What my mom said : “He has never been reliable anyway, you’re better off without him”

What my daughter said : “Aww, how old is he again? Even my ex-boyfriend did better and he was only 17”

 

Several times I’ve been asking you why you suddenly decided to break up when we were house hunting and making plans for our blended family, but not answering me at all you obviously don’t want me to get any closure. I keep wondering why, so that makes another “why” spinning in my head, and it is one too many.

 

And there comes another why yet : why do you hate yourself so much? I reckon you’ve been through tough times during your childhood. Your father was always away, your mother used to beat you, you lost an eye when you were just a little boy, got bullied by the other kids, and then your favourite brother died. I know your early adulthood didn’t go easy either, because women rejected you or used you… until you met your wife-to-be. She was the first girl and probably the first individual who loved you for who you were (or at least she seemed to), she trusted you so you started to trust her back and you loved her so much you left your family and country, landing here in Paris when you couldn’t speak a word of French. You guys built something real, had two children… and then she dumped you for another man, sending you back to square one, broken and all self-esteem gone.

 

Are you afraid I’m going to do the same? Don't you have any faith left? If so, we are really different people because I’m a firm believer, but does it mean we cannot be happy together? No, no, no. I want to help you regain confidence, I want you to realize and admit you’re not “doomed”, and that it is possible to overcome your fears even if they are ingrained deep inside you.

[deeplongbreath]

I've got news darling, you killed our plans but you're not running away with all my dreams and hopes!

 

Just booked a 4 days trip to London with Alex. She's so excited! And I am, too So I'll be visiting England WITHOUT YOU. Ha!

 

Do you ever think of that stepdaughter of yours, who loved you so much and was so nice to you? Don't you miss her? You didn't even say goodbye to her... How cruel.

[deeplongbreath]

Another day has started and nothing has changed.

 

I woke up thinking of you.

 

I'm trying to work but I'm thinking of you.

 

I was talking to a guy earlier and couldn't help but notice how boring he was compared to you.

 

I don't have the slightest idea of what your life is like right now, it's killing me.

 

Lordy Lordy... I so wish this would stop.