LC - low contact experiences

[tacs1895]

I'd be interested to hear people's experiences of LC, I've found some but not tons of information here, so thought I'd start a thread where we can collect people's experiences.

 

Notice I said experiences, more than opinions I know that most people advocate NC and nothing else, but I'm hoping this thread can be kept clear of massive generalized statements saying why LC is no good. I think the arguments for NC are very well represented elsewhere. I'd like this thread just to be a place to discuss the various aspects of LC, rather than a debate of whether LC is a "good" idea or not.

 

So what I'd like is for people to contribute what their experience of LC has been. I'd be interested in things like:

- Did you have some NC first, and how much?

- What kind of LC did you have? (e.g. phonecalls, meeting one to one, only ever in a group, just at work, in social situations or just practical things like finances)

- The reasons you felt LC was the right for your situation.

- How much you discussed with your ex what kind of contact to have. Or was it not explicitly discussed?

- How did you find it? Are you still doing it? Or if not, how long did you go before you decided you needed to change something? What did you change (e.g. reduced contact, or went NC?)

- How your relationship with your ex is now (e.g. got back together, friends, on good terms, still awkward, still want them, over them, don't see them)

- anything else that's relevant...

 

Looking forward to hearing from you...

[Bankkkai]

uhm, been with my ex for 2 yrs, she left to another country, fell in love with someone else and i got dumped. So this was beginning of April.

- Did you have some NC first, and how much? no, i went NC after some 2-3 days of angry emails to each other and skype talking, no begging or asking her back though, too much pride which for once helped me

- What kind of LC did you have? (e.g. phonecalls, meeting one to one, only ever in a group, just at work, in social situations or just practical things like finances)it was purely emailing, and only once over a skype, but no video or voice. But I will have to see her this june-july for a month in another country which we booked together and now it's non-refundable and is pricey, so it's complicated

- The reasons you felt LC was the right for your situation: it wasn't. I simply had to have it to discuss the trip details and conduct

- How much you discussed with your ex what kind of contact to have. Or was it not explicitly discussed? was not discussed. it was more like a f** you and went NC without any explanations

- How did you find it? Are you still doing it? Or if not, how long did you go before you decided you needed to change something? What did you change (e.g. reduced contact, or went NC?)I wish i always went NC, but i broke it once for a couple of days to email because she was asking some important questions.

- How your relationship with your ex is now (e.g. got back together, friends, on good terms, still awkward, still want them, over them, don't see them) them more or less[/b]

- anything else that's relevant: still having trouble to decide how to communicate with her on that trip in summer which will involve us being in the same apartment. don't want to talk to her even if it's pretend niceness.

[doiiiieeezie]

While I may not be of real help... I will try to give it my best shot.

 

Current situation: Dated ex (i think) on and off for 6 months... asked for a break weeks ago due to his sudden shift of interest, plus communication issues.

 

- Did you have some NC first, and how much?

The most we have been in NC/non communication was a week and a half 2 months or so ago after he had a sudden interest in someone else. We had the heart to heart talk but I did not feel respected and ceased communication. Note, it was not to get him back, but for me to gain my own self worth and composure.

 

 

- What kind of LC did you have? (e.g. phonecalls, meeting one to one, only ever in a group, just at work, in social situations or just practical things like finances)

 

Current LC: Occasional Text to check up on each other. Talked last week about our feelings, and they haven't changed. We still love and care for each other... but a few events of the past week may have made things worse.

 

- The reasons you felt LC was the right for your situation.

 

Communication style is a huge problem between him and I, simply because we are alike in many ways but the issues that keep us apart remain. In order to fix them, LC is the way to go. I don't recommend it for everyone. You need to be strong willed to keep in contact with someone who has pulled the plug on you.

 

 

- How much you discussed with your ex what kind of contact to have. Or was it not explicitly discussed?

 

It was not discussed

 

- How did you find it? Are you still doing it? Or if not, how long did you go before you decided you needed to change something? What did you change (e.g. reduced contact, or went NC?)

 

It's hard to be honest. Both of us have feelings for each other yet the issues remain, and probably will for a while unless both eliminate outside sources that seem to want to ambush what we have. Reduced contact may be in the future if one or the other dates someone else, but again it is simply not relevant to go full NC. It is not to get your ex back, it is to give space and help yourself heal.

 

- How your relationship with your ex is now (e.g. got back together, friends, on good terms, still awkward, still want them, over them, don't see them)

 

Could I say all of the above? Asking for a break did some damage and so did a few other things that were not in our control. We love each other, mostly on good terms, but it is awkward and yes I still want him. But I also want a healthy sustainable relationship, one that is built on communication, trust, loyalty and passion. I don't text or call or see him everyday currently, and I think that is best for now. As much as you want to hold on to the bond that you have or once had, you do need to let the person go with love. I know my limitations and continue to work on my issues independently, while keeping in touch with someone I cherish dearly.

 

- anything else that's relevant...

 

Only do LC if it is within your heart to do so. Do not define it as LC/NC/whatever.... if you are still talking to your ex for whatever reason, make sure that both sides mutually agree as to why. It is easy to get over the ex and take advantage of someone who may see you as a doormat. Find out what's right for you first.

[tacs1895]

Interesting responses...

 

(doiiiieeezie, why did you think what you put wouldn't be helpful? I thought what you put at the end was very insightful

 

Guess I should have put some of my own info, although there's not much to say...

 

Basically I'm NC at the moment, it's been six weeks. But at some point LC will have to happen, because of shared work and social things.... too small a network to remain NC indefinitely, means giving up too much of my life. But right now I do need my space. Think I will have to see her one to one before anything else, in order to agree what kind of contact we have and the reasons why.

 

In a way I'm dreading it, because I think I will find it very hard to see her happy and doing ok (at least from the outside)... not because I would wish for her to be unhappy... just that I miss her and it will be hard to be around her but not with her. In some way or other we will have to adjust to how we behave around each other, and that will be really hard.

[Mangiafuoco]

let's have more opinions

[sharky988]

Yeah, let's hear all those successful reconciliation stories that happen from staying in contact!

 

Cue crickets....

[jphcbpa]

God this sounds painful

[Mangiafuoco]

Yeah, let's hear all those successful reconciliation stories that happen from staying in contact!

 

Cue crickets....

 

Still the better chance if you aim to reconciliation, you know.

[sharky988]

Still the better chance if you aim to reconciliation, you know.

 

How's it working FOR YOU?

[Mangiafuoco]

How's it working FOR YOU?

 

I will tell. But for sure i know how as worked your NC. Your ex is still with another woman. Not a successfull reconciliation at all. Sad

[sharky988]

I will tell. But for sure i know how as worked your NC. Your ex is still with another woman. For sure not a successfull reconciliation at all. Sad

 

I wasn't hoping for reconcilliation. I used NC to heal and move on, which I have!

 

YOU, however, are refusing to accept that your ex is with someone else now and are staying in contact..... thinking this will bring her back! So I ask again: how's that working for ya?

[Mangiafuoco]

I wasn't hoping for reconcilliation. I used NC to heal and move on, which I have!

 

YOU, however, are refusing to accept that your ex is with someone else now and are staying in contact..... thinking this will bring her back! So I ask again: how's that working for ya?

 

I will keep the forum update when i will come to a result. And my ex single mate. As usual you do wrong assumptions for your argumentations.

Sure you wasn't hoping for reconciliation, yes of course. But it's right, you used NC well indeed! NC is for self heal and not for reconciliation as you know. So i repeat, Limited Contact give the better chance to a reconciliation.

[sharky988]

I will keep the forum update when i will come to a result. And my ex single mate. As usual you do wrong assumptions for your argumentations.

Sure you wasn't hoping for reconciliation, yes of course. But it's right, you used NC well indeed! NC is for self heal and not for reconciliation as you know. So i repeat, Limited Contact give the better chance to a reconciliation.

 

Actually, No Contact has a better chance for reconcilliation than so-called "limited contact", which is really just staying in contact with an ex, just trying not to have a lot of it.

 

Most reconciliations that last happen after an extended period of complete No Contact. Go look in your getting back together thread and you'll see this is the case for most "happily ever after" stories -- there were months, if not years, of No Contact.

 

But good luck keeping contact WITH YOUR EX! I'm anxiously awaiting to hear any progress report you ever care to make!

[Mangiafuoco]

Actually, No Contact has a better chance for reconcilliation than so-called "limited contact", which is really just staying in contact with an ex, just trying not to have a lot of it.

 

Most reconciliations that last happen after an extended period of complete No Contact. Go look in your getting back together thread and you'll see this is the case for most "happily ever after" stories -- there were months, if not years, of No Contact.

 

But good luck keeping contact WITH YOUR EX! I'm anxiously awaiting to hear any progress report you ever care to make!

 

 

Reading the getting back together thread i see that the majority start communications at some level and use NC for a limited period just for selfheal.

 

I will keep you updated, and you pls let me know if during your extended period of NC your ex left the other woman for you. Would be nice, so you can post your happy story in the getting back together thread!

[sharky988]

Reading the getting back together thread i see that the majority start communications at some level and use NC for a limited period just for selfheal.

 

I will keep you updated, and you pls let me know if during your extended period of NC your ex left the other woman for you. Would be nice, so you can post your happy story in the getting back together thread!

 

YES -- communication FROM THE DUMPER.

 

I've never been so foolish as to waste time TRYING to desperately chase after someone who would leave me for someone else! BUT PLEASE update us on how well YOUR plan of staying in touch with your ex has been working out these past few months!

[Mangiafuoco]

YES -- communication FROM THE DUMPER.

 

I've never been so foolish as to waste time TRYING to desperately chase after someone who would leave me for someone else! BUT PLEASE update us on how well YOUR plan of staying in touch with your ex has been working out these past few months!

 

Oh mate, next time try it without desperation, you can give it a better chance.

Do you know what is LC? Do you know how it works? If your answer is yes you can understand that your request of update after few monthis is just unfounded (and i'm not surprised as i find unfounded a lot of your posts), if you answer is not there is a lot of stuff written about LC, go study.

[sharky988]

Oh mate, next time try it without desperation, you can give it a better chance.

Do you know what is LC? Do you know how it works? If your answer is yes you can understand that your request of update after few monthis is just unfounded (and i'm not surprised as i find unfounded a lot of your posts), if you answer is not there is a lot of stuff written about LC, go study.

 

You're the one who's pushing contact out of desperation, my friend. People turn to LC because they're desperate -- and it's not cool to encourage this in others who are recently dumped and in a vulnerable state, which is the only reason I respond to your many many threads about it.

 

Truth is, it only rarely works. What DOES work is accepting it when someone leaves you -- especially when there's someone else in the picture!

 

But YOU chose to remain in denial! So I ask again: in all these months, how is LC working FOR YOU? Isn't your ex still with someone else?

[Shane Falco]

I will tell. But for sure i know how as worked your NC. Your ex is still with another woman. Not a successfull reconciliation at all. Sad

 

Pretty sure she wasn't trying to reconcile. Anyway, any sort of planned contact, no matter how little or frequent it is, comes off as a con or a hustle to your ex. It comes off as manipulation. You bump all of these threads looking for ways to manipulate your ex into taking you back. That's not love dude. The reconciliations that I've seen work in my life came from significant time apart from contact (at least six months, even multiple years) then either a) the dumper initiating contact and coming over the top to convince the dumpee that they are genuine or b) letting life happen naturally and having a chance, unplanned encounter get the ball rolling again. Because there was significant No Contact with the expectation of moving forward, the dumpees in these cases were emotionally stable and able to deal with their exes in a healthy, easy-going manner and actually have new relationships with their dumpers. You are looking to bring back the old relationship -- which is stupid, because the old relationship died. It didn't work. You want a new relationship with someone, be it another person or your ex, and you are not going to be successful in doing that if you keep trying to find angles to resuscitate the old, failed relationship. It's time to bury that body and move forward.

 

What you are wanting to do is transparent. You are wanting to trick the dumper into feeling something for you again. At best, maybe you get a few turns in the sack before she wises up, realizes that you are the same dude with the same problems that she didn't want before, and re-breaks up with you. And that's the best-case scenario. It's far more likely that she'll either a) get angry with your attempted manipulation and tell you to f--k off for good, or even worse b) she'll enjoy the ego stroking your contact is giving her and keep you around as a platonic buddy, which would torture you because you obviously have greater feelings.

 

Instead of bumping all these old posts looking for hope and petulantly arguing and throwing out cheap shots and insults to people who are posting in your best interest (even though their posts aren't what you want to hear), why not use NC to better yourself for you -- not for some silly plot to fool a woman you previously had relations with to take you back. Stop trying to manipulate, meddle, and control everything and just exhale, decompress, work on yourself and let life take its course. If you do that instead of the foolish crap you're doing now, you'll be in better shape to attract the next one, be it a new woman or a new relationship with your ex. But stop this lunacy and stop with the "na na na boo boo" stuff.

[abitbroken]

I used LC with my ex only for the purpose of taking care of legal matters. We only communicated by email or legal document as necessary to wrap loose ends of the relationship up. Trying "light contact" in hopes you can get them back doesn't work because you could be interpreting their "tolerating" of your contact with "hope". And they can't mis you if you don't go away. And they are getting what they want - the benefit of being able to know what you are up to without having the maintenance of being with you.

 

The only way to get back with your ex is if they want to. Not by staying in their life a little here and there.

[Mangiafuoco]

You're the one who's pushing contact out of desperation, my friend. People turn to LC because they're desperate -- and it's not cool to encourage this in others who are recently dumped and in a vulnerable state, which is the only reason I respond to your many many threads about it.

 

Truth is, it only rarely works. What DOES work is accepting it when someone leaves you -- especially when there's someone else in the picture!

 

But YOU chose to remain in denial! So I ask again: in all these months, how is LC working FOR YOU? Isn't your ex still with someone else?

 

There is no desperation on LC, because it implies only some very light contact with your ex, just to keep open a way of communication. This way give you the possibility to show your ex how you are working on the issues that had lead to the breakup. And in the meanwhile you need to work on yourself, have your independent life and go on. This is LC.

 

I think every people have his brain and can decide for himself, for sure it is immature and wrong the beahaviour of who, like you, thinks she have to save "vulnerable" people hiding informations to them. Let the people decide for himself what's the way to move they want, because there is a possibility that you are wrong with all your NC bla bla bla. And for sure you are wrong when you write of NC to people aiming for reconciliation. If people ask about how to reconciliate, the go full NC forever is a crappy answer simply because NC is only for self heal and not for reconciliations.

 

You also like to write things like "Truth is, it only rarely works", but when i ask you: hey this is interesting give me some evidence of your "truth", why you write that? do you have some statistics? do you have numbers? ... you simply can't answer in a precise way. This is because the "truth" is that you have not a clue of how "rarely" the LC works, you are only defending your idea, acting simply like a NC foundamentalist. For this reason i have no interest on discuss with you.

 

To your questions i have already answered, go read old posts.

[Shane Falco]

Dude, you just don't get it. There are two fundamental things wrong with your approach.

 

1. It takes two people to want a reconciliation. It's great that you want one, but it doesn't matter at all if your ex doesn't. It takes two to make a relationship, and you can't successfully manipulate someone who doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. And even if you could, would you really want to? You are coming up with all these strategies and gameplans, but there's one big problem -- you're the only one playing the game. Stop trying to meddle and control her free will.

 

2. If an ex wants to "check in" they are more than capable of doing it on their own instead of getting "progress reports" from you. And honestly, it would make more of an impact if you did it for yourself without her input and approval than your plan right now. Like I said in the other post, what you are doing comes off as a game, a hustle. If you stop trying to control things and let things happen as they may, you'd be a lot more successful. If she did check in, it'd be more genuine. If she didn't, who cares, you are on your way to being a better man that can attract someone better.

 

I think at this point you are trying to crusade against NC and go with this LC thing out of stubbornness and a desire to be right. You don't care about your ex -- you care about moving the goalposts and manipulating the situation to get what you want. Unfortunately for you, you're not a Jedi Knight.

[Mangiafuoco]

Ahah, sure mate, keep your ass away from my beam sword!

 

I don't fully agree with your points, or better i don't agree on 1 and agree on 2. Reconciliation need two people, uh! really? This is meaningless. LC is not reconciliation but it's a try to give a good chance with it. You are not pushing, you are not controlling, you have to let the ex go his way, you are still giving a lot of space and time, you are communicating in a soft and polite way, and if ther other part is not interested, or thinks there is some manipulation, you can ask about it or they will inform you, because you are talking each other. And yes on your point 2, it's better if the things you wrote happen, then? what's the point? This doesn't mean at all that is wrong if you find a good and respectful way to inform your ex about your progresses.

 

About my crusade, relax mate your NC is not in danger. I fully understand what is NC, and i respect it. What it seem to me you still don't undertand is that NC is not a way to reconciliate, it's only for you for heal.

I'm not a Jedi Knight (and i'm happy with this!) but if i ask you what to do for reconciliation and you answer me go full NC i start suspecting that you are Jar Jar Binks.