Help desperately needed with stubborn, indecisive boyfriend!

[kittykins]

Hello. Warning this is going to be a looong post as this is a long story.

 

Basically me and my boyfriend (both mid-20s) have been together for nearly three years now. At first our relationship was quite hard as his best friend is a girl and their relationship is incredibly close, which i found difficult to deal with at times. Eventually i got used to the idea and it became a bit easier and she grew to like me.

 

My boyfriend is very ambitious and sometimes dreams a bit too much about what he want to achieve and do with his life. Travelling alone in asia was one of these things. I found this difficult to deal with also, but because i love him, i let him do it. So in September 2009 he went on his merry way. We were both devastated to be apart and our relationship became extremely powerful trust-wise. He emailed me every day for five months while he was there, and when i finally went to meet him in the last stages of his trip, he asked me to marry him. I said yes and everything was fantastic.

 

It was only after that that the problems started re-surfacing again. He easily makes friends with girls rather than boys because hes a sweet, easy going hippy type and girls think hes cute. He met a few good friends when he was travelling and they were mainly women. I had no problem with this at all, but he is so stupid, he doesnt realise when these girls a blatantly flirting with him on facebook etc. it has been a common argument with us becuase they will message him for all to see, calling him baby etc! obviously this made me jealous and slightly suspicious.

 

I trust him completely and i know for a fact that he would never cheat on me and that these girls are just like that. I myself would never facebook an engaged boy with these statements cus i know what they do to a girl! but anyhoo, i swallowed it and dealt with it.

 

Then in august 2010, he suddenly became distant with me within a week or two. I sat him down and probed him as to why he was moping and sullen. eventually i asked him if he was considering breaking up with me and he said yes. I was devastated as he told me he didnt feel the same about me anymore. The next two months were very difficult for me as we are doing the same degree at uni so we saw each other every day.

 

I knew he still loved me and then one day he came to my work wanting to speak to me and begged me to give him another chance. I said yes and things were great again. I continued to put up with his female friends, and even let him got to visit them in London (there was a guy there too also). But still my annoyance over their messages to him wont go away. I even caught him ogling a picture of one of them in a bikini which didnt help!!

 

Then last week things came to a head when, i was drunk and saw a message on facebook where he was telling one of them he loved her (in a platonic way), and stupidely checked his private box as it upset me. There was nothing incriminating, apart from the annoying fact that he called one of them honey bunney and said he missed her loads.

 

I exploded and his best friend heard me ranting about how upset i was. We have recently booked a holiday together in italy and he expressed a desire to meet up with another friend there. I have no problem with this, but as i was drunk and an idiot i said that it disgusted me and he had no right to. He was extremely annoyed at me understandably, because i told his friend and bugged her to tell him what i had said. Now, he thinks i have no trust in him and thinks the future is bleak for us.

 

I love him dearly and told him that i dont want to break up and i apologized for my behaviour. i might add at this point that he often says stupid things and has upset me a few times when he is drunk, too. I have been struggling with stress over the past few weeks. I suspected I have depression which was triggered by the death of my father and my mother's heart condition. He doesn't believe depression exists and that it isn't my fault or his fault that this has happened. He said he needed time to think because all of a sudden he isn't sure whether he loves me or not, AGAIN! And he said he though we should "take it easy" and that this has been building for weeks.

 

I didn't understand as it has been good since we got together, and he arranged a surprise party for my bday and got me lots of lovely gifts the week before! So he went to work and i didnt contact him, as i was giving him space. I was going out with friends that night and suddenly he text me wanting to know where i was going. I told him and he text back something nonchalant and ignored my next message. I went out, had a good time and left him to it the next day. He didn't text me either and I was going out with another old friend i hadn't seen in ages last night. We ended up in our regular pub and i saw his best friend there. I thought she didn't see me and got nervous as i knew he would be there and paranoid that he would think i was following him around like a lost puppy.

 

I went to the loo and while i was in there she came in and was wandering around on her phone and immediately left, again I thought she didn't see me. Then as i left the loo, he was there, sitting directly in front of the loos! he wasnt there before! I hurredly went past as he wasnt looking as i would just get upset if i tried to talk to him again, and i wanted to discuss our problem in private without being drunk. We went to sit at the back out of sight, and then the best friend suddenly came marching over again "not seeing " me with her phone and had a cigarette in the beer garden near we were sat. It was at this point I sussed, or thought i sussed, that she was being sent around the pub to look where i was and was texting him about it!

 

Would she be so silly to do that? (She's done stuff like that before though) It was unusual that he didnt go for a cigarette either. She left after that and he was nowhere to be seen, i didnt even see him leave. I dont know whether he was upset to see me as he still loves me and made her do that because he was upset, or whether he was annoyed that I was there after not contacting him and left as he thought i was not giving him space. Im so confused and I do love him ever so much.

 

All i wanted to do was rush and cuddle him as i saw him, but i thought he would be mad at me as he shunned affection last time we talked. Why does he keep changing his mind?? Ive tried to explain that long term relationships are hard and that over time the excitement factor isnt what it was in the honeymoon phase. But hes soo stubborn and once he gets an idea in his head he is hesistant to change it.

 

Childish I know, but i love him. What should i do.? Continue to cease contact after last night's weirdness? Or arrange a chat? I have until tuesday when i have to see him again in class, and if i dont talk to him before then i think it will make things worse... I desperately dont want to break up with him:sad: Sorry for the length, you need all the detail to understand I think.

[Ambiguous X]

Thats alot of drama for a guy that wishy-washy. How about focusing on your self and school and kick him ot the curb.

[catfeeder]

I definitely would not contact him. Whether he decides to want you back or not will only be aided by missing you, and he can't do that if you won't go away.

 

There is nothing 'wrong' with you for not appreciating his closeness with other women, you're part of a majority. But this is why it's up to each of us to decide whether we are made of the stuff that's truly 'okay' with your BF's lifestyle, and if not, we need that clarity to avoid involvement with someone like BF while attempting to 'pretend' to be okay with it. As you've seen, that only comes out sideways.

 

You handled the night perfectly, so don't ruin it. If BF decides that you are the one for him and wants you back, nothing will prevent him from making sure you're the first to know it. He knows how to reach you if he wants to. Keep your dignity and don't contact him--it won't 'help', it will do the opposite.