Need your opinion - can't seem to heal at all

[deeplongbreath]

Hi all! I'm brand new to this forum and I'm from France

 

So here is my story (I apologize in advance for the length of this post but I think it’s better to be clear and precise when looking for some real sound advice)

We are both divorced, in our forties, and we have kids. We met in spring 2008 and three years later I can't even tell how many times he’s left me, I’ve lost the count.

 

Sometimes we keep in touch, sometimes not. Our periods of separation have been of various length, depending on the intensity of his crisis. During the longest of them, we both tried to date other people and nothing came out of it, ever. We really feel good together, have so much in common despite our big differences... Plus, we have this chemistry none of us had ever had before, and can’t seem to find again with someone else.

 

He doubts a lot his being able to commit, to ever be happy again, and mostly I think he sees himself as a man who cannot make a woman happy (his ex-wife initiated the divorce). I've tried very hard to talk him out of it, but I obviously couldn’t succeed. Each and every time I feel upset (by him not calling when he gets home late, or him spending Christmas with his former wife’s family instead of mine), he immediately goes “see, you’re not happy with me” (which is totally ridiculous, because I think these things can be sorted out, communication and dialogue being the key) and breaks up if not right away then a few days later, giving me the usual “you deserve someone blah blah blah”, “I have issues of my own”, etc). At least that’s the way it went during the first year.

 

During the second year, the “official” reasons why he was breaking up were always different, always coming out of the blue, and always lame. It’s almost hilarious how imaginative he can be! A few examples :

- “You will never get along well with my best friend” – Hmm, let’s see… I don’t know her yet, she’s an ex girlfriend of yours who has every reason to be jealous of me… and, are we going to live with her or what??

- “I don’t love you” – well of course not, everybody can tell by the way you look at me, hold me, etc, and you sssooo don’t tell me you love me like every day… tsssttt.

- “I have met someone else” – he confessed later it was a big fat lie, and when I asked why he simply replied “I wanted you to hate me”. Duh.

 

Now we’re entering the third and last year (it’s getting worse I’m warning you – don’t read any further if you don’t have any sense of humour and/or compassion). At this point of our relationship, after admitting he truly loved me and couldn’t stay away from me, things got serious and we started to make plans. We started house hunting, decided to spend the summer holidays all together with the kids, and so on. Then one night I had an argument with my step daughter C, who is nothing like my own daughter (if she’s not perfect mine behaves, works hard at school, she’s responsible and polite, while C is a spoiled and cheeky teen, obsessed with her own person). I told her I wouldn’t tolerate laziness when we live under the same roof, that there would be rules applying to everyone, and her father agreed to that, supporting me during the whole conversation - sounding somehow like he was relieved I was doing the dirty job. The day after, I found out on Facebook I went from being in a relationship to single, and he had removed me from his friends list!!! No call, no email, no text, nothing. I tried to get in touch with him but he never picked up the phone or answered any of my texts. This time I was left there with no explanation whatsoever.

 

We’ve been doing NC for 5 weeks now, but I know he has subscribed to several dating websites because I spotted him (he knows I know). It drives me mad even though I’m kind of sure that even if he has met someone, no woman will have the strength and patience I had to endure his mood swings. Besides, like I was stating earlier, the “big love” might not happen 50 times in a lifetime. The complicity, intimacy and chemistry we had, all things that make a relationship both comfortable and exciting, if they were unexpected at first, they were real and made us feel great together, nothing like what we had known before with our previous partners.

 

I have read a lot about self-sabotaging people, and I think he is one of them, he’s afraid to be happy. He also has unrealistic expectations about love and relationships, like “a couple never fights”.

 

But I love him deeply, passionately. Probably even more now that I know he acts out of fear when he leaves me. I would forgive him for getting cold feet… if only he was willing to get counselling or something, so that he and we can rebuild properly.

 

Anyway, the chances of us getting back together are now slim to none, things have gone too far. C will never want me back in the picture, for she’s afraid she will not be able to manipulate me like she does her dad (which is true), and my boyfriend hates being in the middle of a conflict, just like he hates conflict in general.

 

Right now I’m a mess, because there’s absolutely nothing I can do to make things get better. There are days when I nearly feel relieved having gotten off the rollercoaster for good, and other days when I am persuaded this is a huge waste for everyone, children included.

 

Now please feel free to comment, give me your piece of advice… or tell me I’m plain dumb.

[catfeeder]

[…] Then one night I had an argument with my step daughter C, who is nothing like my own daughter (if she’s not perfect mine behaves, works hard at school, she’s responsible and polite, while C is a spoiled and cheeky teen, obsessed with her own person). I told her I wouldn’t tolerate laziness when we live under the same roof, that there would be rules applying to everyone, and her father agreed to that, supporting me during the whole conversation - sounding somehow like he was relieved I was doing the dirty job. […]

 

He wasn't as 'relieved' as you thought. It's a serious mistake to force a kid into an adversarial position with a step parent--it hits them where they live. Children of divorce have already had their world torn apart, and expecting them to live with a step who adopts an authority position is asking for chaos and misery for all concerned.

 

You might have a shot at dating this man again someday, but combining households isn't really what you want anyway, is it?

[jt214]

I definitely don't think you're plain dumb. i'm sorry this is happening to you right now, but i agree with the above post that trying to set ground rules with the step daughter may have been going too far. from everything that you told me, it sounds like this man has been severely screwed up by the women he was with before you, which have caused him to have certain deep seeded beliefs, like that he cannot make a woman happy, no matter how much you or anyone else try to convince him otherwise. that's something i'm currently trying to accept with my ex as well, that there are certain things about their beliefs that are irreversible.

 

i'm not saying that he won't come back, because from everything that you told me he can't seem to stay away from you. but i also don't want to give you false hope, so for now, keep busy, try to take your mind off it, and make steps to see other people.

[deeplongbreath]

Thank you guys for your replies.

I think I might have been a little on the self-sabotage side myself this time, messing with the child and all... should I have waited to actually live with her before trying to set rules? That would have been complete hypocrisy and manipulation in my books :s

Besides, it seems to me that my ex's kids really need to have boundaries, because right now they're like totally spoiled, disrespectful towards adults, and so on. The way they talk to their father has been a shock to me from the very beginning, but I have managed to keep my mouth shut... until recently, when things were getting really serious. My mistake...

However, no false hopes here. It looks like my ex suffers from a lack of self confidence anyway, this is just another excuse for him to leave me.

 

jt214, I'm so sorry you're having a tough time dealing with the same problem.

 

Anyway, NC is killing me, I might just break it tonight. Or start a healing journal, dunno. I've been trying to see other people but I'm definitely SO bored with each and every man I meet... unbelievable!

[catfeeder]

Thank you guys for your replies.

I think I might have been a little on the self-sabotage side myself this time, messing with the child and all... should I have waited to actually live with her before trying to set rules? That would have been complete hypocrisy and manipulation in my books :s

 

It doesn't sound like self-sabotage because you knew on some level that this would be a dealbreaker. You're lucky this came up before the move. This wasn't about two adults finding a place and then inserting their children. It's a parent's job to -always- find the best situation for his/her children--period. This man recognized that it's wrong to position his daughter to live with an adversary. That's why this couldn't have worked whether you fought with her sooner or waited until later.

 

Besides, it seems to me that my ex's kids really need to have boundaries, because right now they're like totally spoiled, disrespectful towards adults, and so on. The way they talk to their father has been a shock to me from the very beginning, but I have managed to keep my mouth shut... until recently, when things were getting really serious. My mistake...

 

It doesn't matter how 'right' you may be in any given instance. No doubt the kid was a real charmer, but the minute you insert yourself into someone else's parent/child relationship, you are instantly the 'bad guy' because that's not your place. So the question becomes, would this have been a good arrangement for you?

 

Anyway, NC is killing me, I might just break it tonight. Or start a healing journal, dunno. I've been trying to see other people but I'm definitely SO bored with each and every man I meet... unbelievable!

 

You have nothing to gain by breaking NC, but you've got your best dignity to keep with silence. There isn't anything to negotiate right now. If the guy wants to speak with you again, he knows how to reach you.

 

Head high.

[deeplongbreath]

Thank you for your insight catfeeder (btw, I love cats myself, owned by two of them right now, lol), I somehow knew where things went wrong, only needed to hear it from another person I guess.

I've been searching the forum for a while before I post my first message, and actually still wonder if I hit the right section because this break up is hurting me more than I can tell. I'm getting drunk tonight, and I have a tendency to hurt myself when I feel lonely, unheard. I don't want that anymore. I don't want to die, I don't want any more scars on my arms. I feel helpless. But I'm going to try hard not to do it again, no cutting, no self harm.

[catfeeder]

[...] I'm getting drunk tonight, and I have a tendency to hurt myself when I feel lonely, unheard. I don't want that anymore. I don't want to die, I don't want any more scars on my arms. I feel helpless. But I'm going to try hard not to do it again, no cutting, no self harm.

 

Didn't you mention that you have a daughter?

 

What kind of treatment have you sought, and have you considered researching help lines on the internet to call and have someone trained in this stuff to help talk you through this?

[deeplongbreath]

Just "talking" is unfortunately not helping enough, as it seems. What keeps me strong - no drinking, no cutting - is the thought of my daughter, yes, even when she's not with me (she's with her dad this week). But at the moment I feel so lost I might just let go of everything. I know it's wrong, I'm struggling really hard. I have not been able to cry since the last break up - it's weird. I want to cry my eyes out, scream, but no harming myself whatsoever.

[catfeeder]

Just "talking" is unfortunately not helping enough, as it seems.

 

Who are you just 'talking' with? If it's a professional, then tell her/him that it's not working and ask for a referral for more assertive treatment.

 

If it's not a professional, then you need a professional. In the meantime, phone a helpline and speak with someone who knows how to get you through this.

 

What keeps me strong - no drinking, no cutting - is the thought of my daughter, yes, even when she's not with me (she's with her dad this week).

 

Then get on the phone with a help line and plan with them exactly what your daughter will be coming home to. Step by step. That's not 'just talk,' it's being a good mother.

 

But at the moment I feel so lost I might just let go of everything. I know it's wrong, I'm struggling really hard. I have not been able to cry since the last break up - it's weird. I want to cry my eyes out, scream, but no harming myself whatsoever.

 

This is why you need to make the call. Either that, or get yourself straight to an emergency room, tell them you're in danger of hurting yourself, and not only will your daughter thank you later, you'll thank your Self later.

 

Do the right thing, Frenchie.

[deeplongbreath]

Trying to make me feel guilty is not going to help either, you know. I may be a frenchie, but I'm still a human being, no need to be hard on me. I been talking to a professional, as well as with hotline people, and then what? Spitting my guts out doesn't change anything. The pain is still mine.

Anyway, thank you for your time, I appreciate it.

[catfeeder]

Trying to make me feel guilty is not going to help either, you know. I may be a frenchie, but I'm still a human being, no need to be hard on me. I been talking to a professional, as well as with hotline people, and then what? Spitting my guts out doesn't change anything. The pain is still mine.

Anyway, thank you for your time, I appreciate it.

 

We're not experts, here, Frenchie, and we're just as human as you are. What would you tell a mother who says she loses self control and drinks and cuts herself? The best we know how to do is ask you to speak with someone trained to help you deal with that. The guilt part is up to you, but if keeping yourself together for your daughter's sake is a priority for you, then how can asking you to get assistance in doing that be a bad thing?

 

My best,

Cat

[deeplongbreath]

Well I prolly wouldn't be like you are, but then who am I to give anyone lessons? You're right, I'm a terrible mother, a terrible step-mother and on the whole a terrible person, I don't deserve to be happy. My parents once taught me that but I wouldn't listen, stubborn as I am. Geez, I thought asking for listening and help would be a better thing than just cutting myself and then complaining, but here again, my great fault! Never mind, I wish you all the best, and g-nite xx