Days come and go but my feelings for you are forever

[jakel]

A quick history I am 6 months BU and 32 or so days NC the majority of the 6 months has been NC. (my past threads explain more)

 

My ex broke it off while she was out of town and subsequently moved there. We had, had, a tumultuous 2 year relationship by every description of the word. I loved her though and she is largely responsible for me reuniting with my daughter I was separated from for 9 years. I was going to try and marry this woman.

 

My pattern has been NC for a month, call or text with some apology, well wishes, etc. I have also left some resentful messages. A month ago When I was told her status on FB, (Which I'm not on), was in a relationship. I Googled her name and up came her profile picture with her her mom, and the new guy his arm wrapped around her.

 

I assumed it had been going on for the whole time we were broke up or was ultimately the catalyst for the break up. I let her have via email called her a psycho other choice words said I didn't envy this poor (rhymes with luck). I texted her later apologized, and asked her to not out of resentment, but out of self preservation to not respond. That was 32 days ago.

 

She isn't coming back.

 

Why cant I stop thinking of her?

 

why do I find myself attracted to a woman only to realize they look like her?

 

will I ever lose this bitter jaded feeling about love?

 

do I need to communicate with her to have closure ?

 

Should I be trying to date at this point?

 

Should I be over this?

[AutumnBorn]

....She isn't coming back.

 

Why cant I stop thinking of her?

 

why do I find myself attracted to a woman only to realize they look like her?

 

will I ever lose this bitter jaded feeling about love?

 

do I need to communicate with her to have closure ?

 

Should I be trying to date at this point?

 

Should I be over this?

 

 

You can't stop thinking about her because you're grieving. You miss her friendship, the sense of belonging.

 

Neil Gaiman once wrote, regarding his heartbreak over the end of his marriage: “Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” He went on to find love again, marrying Amanda Palmer this past January. You'll find love again, too.

 

Closure is a gift you give yourself. She can't give it to you, so no, you don't have to communicate with her.

 

You should date only when you feel it's right for you. Maybe the thing to do is to join some co-ed activity, team, or become involved in something that will fill your mind and days and allow you to interact with people without the pressure of dating.

 

You should be over it when you're over it. You can't rush healing. It takes as much time as it takes. You heal until the healing is done. There's no pressure, but you can expedite things. Do you have a plan in place?

 

One thing I realized fairly early on is I thought the basis of my unhappiness was the end of my marriage. While it was profoundly sad, I wasn't really happy in the marriage, either. It was so messed up. It took true effort for me to make my life, as a whole, the source of my feelings of happiness or contentment, at least. I started putting effort into living, not just letting the days pass. I began living louder and I'm truly happy with my life and who I am as a human being. If life is cake, love should be the icing. The cake should be made in such a way that it's still really good without the icing and you can enjoy it until someone comes along with icing. Try making a better cake, Jakel.

[jakel]

Thanks AutumnBorn, I have felt at my best when I was actively trying to improve my life, I may have gotten off track with that. I do have an ideal for where I would like to be financially and emotionally before getting into another relationship. Its really good this forum exists its been very helpful. Wow Neil Gaiman are you reading my mail?