My ex came around - Not sure if it's what I want

[NG85]

The skinny:

- Dated 2 years

- Broke up mutually 6 months ago

- She began having an LDR with a guy 3 weeks after the break-up

- She planned to move accross the country to be with him

 

I had still been feeling in the dumps months later, deciding to stick to LC and only talk to her when she got in touch with me. But then I decided to take the 30-day NC challenge here on ENA and went 39 days and felt so much better! I ignored texts, phone calls, and IMs from her, and at one point after weeks of silence she was texting me every day to make sure I was alright. I only texted her once in this time to send her my address - She told me she was moving 3,000 miles, most likely to be with her new guy, and wanted to mail back some of my stuff.

 

So a few days ago I get a text from her. "Hey, I'm going to be in your area soon, wanna meet up?" This puzzled me, because I thought she'd be accross the country by now. So I broke one of my rules regarding her...I checked her Facebook to see if she had moved. Well, she was still in the same city, and...

 

...HER RELATIONSHIP STATUS WAS "SINGLE".

 

I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I was no longer the miserable dumpee, now I felt as though I had come out on top. She changed her status that morning, and 6 hours later she was texting me about hanging out. I figured if she'd be in the area anyway it wouldn't hurt to meet up. I waited a day to text her back, and I received a flurry of frantic texts from her. She said she'd get in touch when she finds out when she can take off from work.

 

If this happened a few months back I'd be ecstatic. But at this moment I'm a bit indifferent and very confused. Less than a day after her break-up and she's texting me? Did she realize she made a mistake? Does she want me back? Does she just want a rebound? Does she just want to meet up as friends? I've been making a ton of improvements in my life, and I'm wondering if this makes me more desirable. As for her, she jumped right into another relationship after we broke up and probably still has some unresolved issues from our time together. She's a really sweet girl overall, but I'm wondering if we'll run into the same problems down the road if we got back together.

 

I'm trying to push back our meet up a few weeks just to see if she's really genuine about wanting to see me, or if she's just panicking now that her last relationship ended. And in the event that she does want to get back together, it's going to take a lot of soul-searching on my end, and I'd like to ask her to take a month or so to think it over to make sure if it's what she really wants (And also give her some time to be single - Who knows, she might like that better).

 

Any suggestions on how to approach this? I'm expecting to hear from her within the next few days.

[dramallama]

It's because you're realising that you probably couldn't trust her not to run away again.

 

If you don't want to waste your time in meeting up as friends, ask her BEFORE you meet up, by text, whether her intentions for meeting up are to reconcile or not. She will either tell you straight up that it is, or she will waffle. If she isn't straight up, tell her that you will only consider meeting up with her if it is to reconcile, and ask her to respect your need for space if that's not the case.

 

Or, another way to take the power back apart from doing so above, is to tell her that you need some space and if you would ever like to be in touch, you will let her know.

[faithful14]

Well I do like the idea of asking her what she wants (if she wants to reconcile with you) and see what she says.

 

Another thing that could be happening is that maybe she wants to meet up with you and see how she feels about you. You know, if those romantic feelings/the spark/chemistry is still there from before. You seem unsure too of how you feel so I have a feeling like you both will want to meet up and see what happens. Once you understand how you feel, you can make a better decision of what you want to do.

[HeartGoesOn]

If this happened a few months back I'd be ecstatic. But at this moment I'm a bit indifferent and very confused. Less than a day after her break-up and she's texting me? Did she realize she made a mistake? Does she want me back?

 

I would read between the lines.

 

Her new relationship failed, she can't be alone, and now she feels you should settle for being sloppy seconds. I would give this more thought...

[NG85]

Dramallama and Faithful, you both hit the nail on the head. I am weary of her intentions, since she seemed so desperate to move on when our relationship was coming to a close, and I pretty much lost all my trust in her. It's going to take a lot of work to get that back and to make sure she doesn't do it again.

 

And Faithful, that's exactly what I'm going for, trying to see if there's still a spark left. It's been about 6 or 7 months since we've seen each other in person. My ex and I do have some traveling distance between us, so besides meeting up the next closest thing we could do is webcam chat. But it's much more personal meeting up face-to-face and it's easier to get a feel for someone. For example, I lost 25 pounds since the break up. She doesn't know this and it'll be a big surprise if she sees me in person - This is something that can't really be seen effectively over a webcam. Another plus is she'd be doing the traveling, which is extremely convenient for me and will be less effort on my part - Having her travel all that way shows she must be serious about seeing me.

 

And Heartgoeson, I do agree. She's fresh out of a failed rebound relationship and is probably very hurt - After all, this new guy was supposed to be the greatest guy in the world, according to her. That's why I'm trying to wait out meeting up with her for another week or 2 so she has some time to cool off. If there seems to be a spark or she wants to get back together, then I'm going to make her sit on it for a while to see if she really means it. I think having her be single for a while will help her collect her thoughts.

[MakeItCount]

lol a day after it failed? Tread carefully man, don't get involved with this girl right now after all that's gone on. She's hurting and lonely and jumping back to something she thinks is comfortable. Let us know what happens if you decide to meet up with her.

[Melanieblue]

First of all, I wanted to say that I think it is very strong emotionally on your part for staying away as long as you did. You have a lot of self esteem and emotional integrity. I find this admirable since I don't have that sort of bravery. I am afraid to be alone and was in a 2 yr dating relationship that was very emotionally/verbally abusive. I wasn't innocent either, but my excuse is I was trying to fight back.. anyways I am too tired to write it all up. I did a post earlier today about my situation already

NG85, let us know how things work out...

[endy]

lol a day after it failed? Tread carefully man, don't get involved with this girl right now after all that's gone on. She's hurting and lonely and jumping back to something she thinks is comfortable. Let us know what happens if you decide to meet up with her.

 

My thoughts exactly. This is not healthy behavior. She hasn't changed one bit because she was in a relationship the whole time. Ultimately just give yourself all of the power in this. You can do what DL suggested but I wouldn't even do that at this point. It's going to make your feelings come back and right now this girl just doesn't want to be alone. There's no way she can have any idea what her true feelings are yet. That and well do you just want the same girl back that originally left you? You have probably changed for the better, and she hasn't.

 

Successful relationships after reconciliation occurs after both people have had a significant time apart, and have worked on themselves. Which means being single for awhile. Good luck with this, and ultimately it's going to be your call probably. Let her lay in that bed she made for awhile and chase. I wouldn't even meet her yet.

[Talk2much]

This is so confusing you broke up. She got a rebound and now she wants to try again but yet this time you feel a rebound? Pretty complicated but wait a while don't ask anything serious chat a bit more and see how you feel. Let the EX work for you, shes in the wrong not you.

[DigitalSpy]

I felt the same way before. My ex at the time wated to "hang out" and I really wasn' sure I had just gotten over her and wasn't sure at all..But when I saw her it all cam flooding back.... for bboth of us.

 

Although in this time we had both been single and not dated at all....

[endy]

I felt the same way before. My ex at the time wated to "hang out" and I really wasn' sure I had just gotten over her and wasn't sure at all..But when I saw her it all cam flooding back.... for bboth of us.

 

Although in this time we had both been single and not dated at all....

 

 

 

AND the result was... for the original poster DS?

[NG85]

First of all, I wanted to say that I think it is very strong emotionally on your part for staying away as long as you did. You have a lot of self esteem and emotional integrity. I find this admirable since I don't have that sort of bravery. I am afraid to be alone and was in a 2 yr dating relationship that was very emotionally/verbally abusive. I wasn't innocent either, but my excuse is I was trying to fight back.. anyways I am too tired to write it all up. I did a post earlier today about my situation already

NG85, let us know how things work out...

 

Hey Melanie, thanks for the kind words! It's been a long, hard road to get to the point I am emotionally, and I'm glad that my progress can be seen by others. My ex's situation is probably very similar to your's, afraid to be alone, hence the quick rebound - In fact, I don't think she's been single for an extended period of time since she was in high school. They say time heals all wounds, and while it's hard to be single at first, just keep your chin up and march on. Going NC helps a ton, and after a while you'll feel stronger and more confident. Take it from me, who just a few months ago was a desperate, confidence-lacking mess. Now I'm at the point where I'm happy with myself, and I'm honestly happy being single. Let us know how your situation goes!

[NG85]

Hey Endy, thanks for the words! I definitely agree, she probably hasn't progressed much from when we broke up. I've been doing my best to improve myself mentally, emotionally, and physically, and I do feel I've progressed a ton since the break up. At this point I feel like I'm myself, and I can't objectively tell how much I've changed and improved. The real test will be if we meet up and she notices this.

 

I'm still not sure if she wants to reconcile, but if she does, then it'll definitely take some soul-searching on both of our ends. Our relationship ended for a reason, and if those problems are still present then any reconciliation is doomed. She told me she had been thinking months ago of moving closer to me. If she decides to do this, then perhaps a reconciliation can wait until she moves. It'll be a few months down the road, giving us some reflection time, and we'll be closer to one another so the distance won't be a strain like it was in the past.

[endy]

Possibly could work, but the main thing for you is if you can TRUST this person. You may not know until you go into it. I think it would be beneficial for you to tell her if she does want to get back together that you would like to give her a few months with little to no contact and be single. That you feel you need to grow as a person and so does she. The problem with this is you are both going to want to see each other... and may say screw that... get where I'm going with this?

[NG85]

Possibly could work, but the main thing for you is if you can TRUST this person. You may not know until you go into it. I think it would be beneficial for you to tell her if she does want to get back together that you would like to give her a few months with little to no contact and be single. That you feel you need to grow as a person and so does she. The problem with this is you are both going to want to see each other... and may say screw that... get where I'm going with this?

 

Yeah, Endy, I see what you mean. If the spark's still there it may be difficult to tear ourselves away from one another. I still haven't heard anything from her regarding when she'll be in town, so as of now I think I'll go LC. If she decides not to visit I'll go back to NC. And I definitely agree, if she wants to get back together then a period of LC/NC while we sort out our feelings would be very beneficial.

[NG85]

Just an update - It's been about a week since she texted, but still no word from her. I wonder if she was just acting desperate after the break up and was thinking irrationally about meeting up. I'm going LC for now until I hear from her, but I wonder if maybe I should get in touch soon just to see what's up - She is planning to bring back some of my stuff, after all, and I'd like to get that back eventually.